Quotes

** Don't vote. You only encourage them. **
** Hiroshima '45 Chernobyl '86 Windows '95 **
** Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. **
** 99% of all statistics are made up. **
** Windows Error #831: No error[s] found [delete >yes >no] **
** With Alzheimers you get new friends every day. **
** No matter where I go, there I am! **
** Don't speak unless you can improve on the silence. **
** Get a new phone, plug it in, and press redial to freak it out! **
** Can't think of anything that would make your life more difficult? Congress can. **
** Ever notice how justice always prevails in the end? Neither did I. **
** Drugs have taught our kids the metric system. **
** We got what it takes to take what you got! -IRS **
** I had a brilliant idea last night, but I didn't like it. **
** Drink apple juice -OJ can kill you! **
** A new "Health Bill"? Did we have an old one? **
** A thinly veiled allegory, a Metamucil if you will... -Kelly Bundy **
** I bought some paint. It was in the shape of a house. **
** Experience is the worst teacher. It gives the test first and teaches after. **
** You're the computer, YOU tell ME where the file is! **
** Your birthday's next week. Do you want a surprise party? **
** Are males born disgusting? - Charlene, Dinosaurs **
** Scotty, beam us a board! [clunk!] **
** Arkansas figured out a way to get rid of Clinton, why can't we? **
** You're my pyschic, friend, YOU tell ME my credit card number. **
** Death is a health-care issue. - Hillary Clinton **
** You're invited to a sack race in the minefield. **
** Benji? Benji!! @#%^& [*NO TERRIER*] **
** Your motherboard wears combat reboots. **
** Your honor, I move for a bad court thingy. **
** Magic: The art of converting superstition into coins. **
** Press any key to continue. Release to detonate. **
** Book yourself, Dano! **
** Bother!" said the moderator, and deleted 35 AOL "Me Too" posts. **
** BREAKFAST.COM halted. Cereal port not responding. **
** Allllllrighty then! - Ace Ventura **
** Alex, I'll take, 'Things Only I know' for $1000 please. **
** All Bibles are man made. -Thomas Edison **
** A government in "action" is interesting only if it's not your own. **
** 186,000 miles a second, eh?, so what's the speed of dark? **
** Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. **
** 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. **
** Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. **
** My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. **
** If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway. **
** Upgrade: To take old bugs out, put new ones in. **
** BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! **
** Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay... **
** Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... **
** Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors. **
** Nothing is as easy as it looks. **
** Trust everybody ... then cut the cards. **
** If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. **
** Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget. **
** I don't want the world. I just want your half. **
** Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. **
** Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? **
** Give me ambiguity or give me something else. **
** We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. **
** Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. **
** Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. **
** A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. **
** Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. **
** Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. **
** Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. **
** Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. **
** I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. **
** I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. **
** See program run. See program crash. See programmer quit. **
** Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy. **
** A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience. **
** Apple copyright 6024 B.C., Adam & Eve. **
** Apple Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton. **
** C++ should have been called B **
** Careful. We don't want to learn from this. -- Calvin & Hobbes **
** Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery. **
** Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. **
** All generalizations are false. **
** We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? **
** He who laughs last thinks slowest. **
** Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. **
** Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. **
** Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. **
** Born free ... Taxed to death. **
** The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. **
** Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. **
** I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. **
** If you don't like the news, go out and make some. **
** When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS. **
** I took an IQ test and the results were negative. **
** Where there's a will, I want to be in it. **
** OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? **
** I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. **
** Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. **
** IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. **
** Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. **
** It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. **
** According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. **
** Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. **
** A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. **
** Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. **
** We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. **
** Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. **
** i souport publik edekashun. **
** Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. **
** Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... **
** There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. **
** Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? **
** Ever stop to think and forget to start again? **
** Would a fly without wings be called a walk? **
** When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? **
** If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? **
** Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? **
** When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? **
** If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? **
** Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? **
** Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? **
** Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? **
** Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? **
** Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? **
** What was the best thing before sliced bread? **
** If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know? **
** I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. **
** When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? **
** If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? **
** It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. **
** Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? **
** I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. **
** Hermits have no peer pressure. **
** How can there be self-help groups? **
** How come you never hear about gruntled employees? **
** I named my dog Stay. It drives him crazy when I say "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" **
** I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. **
** Instant water. Just add water. **
** I came to a movie theater. The marquee just read: "Dyslexia: Movie The."
** I have a map of the world. Actual size. The scale says 1:1. **
** I have a very rare photograph of Houdini locking his keys in his car. **
** I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten In Tree... **
** Salespeople ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Give me one of those, extra medium." **
** I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. **
** I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. **
** I was born by Caesarian section. When I leave a house, I go out through the window. **
** I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." **
** I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra copy machine. **
** If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? **
** What's another another word for synonym? **
** Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? **
** My friend is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight. **
** My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band." **
** What's another word for "thesaurus"? **
** Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? **
** Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? **
** Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? **
** In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? **
** Why is the alphabet in that order? "It's because of that song." **
** I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. **
** I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. **
** If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? **
** When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. **
** Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. **
** What happens if you get scared half to death twice? **
** Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. **
** How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? **
** Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. **
** Black holes are where God divided by zero. **
** If it's zero degrees outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is that? **
** Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? **
** Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? **
** Why do banks charge a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they know you don't have? **
** If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the driver owe you money? **
** If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? **
** If Superman stops bullets with his chest, why does he duck when someone threw a gun at him? **
** Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? **
** Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? **
** Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? **
** I asked the librarian, "Where's the self-help section?" She said telling me would defeat the purpose. **
** If a psychic knows the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working? **
** Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? **
** War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. **
** Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. **
** Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? **
** What happens if you get scared half to death twice? **
** Why if you send something by car it's called shipment, and by ship it's called cargo? **
** How can you "draw a blank?" **
** If you wake up one morning and think your blind, open your eyes. **
** Sanity is the playground for the un-imaginative. **
** Why do they have interstate highways in Hawaii? **
** Sense is not common or else everyone would have it. **
** Dyslexia often warns without striking. **
** Whenever an officer asks you to walk the yellow line, NEVER say "What line?" **
** I saw a lady in a generic section of a store, her name tag said "Woman." **
** A singer, a politician, don't make us take another life. signed, THE TREES. **
** Everybody talks about reality, but nobody ever does anything about it. **
** Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. **
** Every day you learn new misstakes. **
** If practice makes perfect, and nobody is perfect, then why practice? **
** Ever notice how, despite the cost of living, it remains so popular? **
** Life is the only thing you can't get out of alive. **
** D'ohh! -Homer Simpson **
** I is a graduate. **
** The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up. **
** The easiest way to have your family tree traced is to run for public office. **
** If at first you do succeed, hide your astonishment. **
** How come an educational system that put so much emphasis on penmanship produced so many doctors? **
** Marriage is made in heaven. So is thunder and lightning. **
** It's easy to tell when you've got a bargain. It doesn't fit. **
** Anyone who thinks there's safety in numbers hasn't looked at the stock market prices. **
** Talk is cheap, unless you're talking to a lawyer. **
** If you need a long rest, be on time for an appointment. **
** Being unorganized means you are constantly making new discoveries. **
** Time is not an enemy unless you try to kill it. **
** With television today, the public will soon be demanding longer commercials. **
** What's the opposite of progress? **
** Is there something illegal in Windows 95? Then what's this "illegal error" that I keep getting? **
** Everything can be explained by one simple fact -- God has a sense of humor. **
** Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATM machines? **
** Remember kids, 2 wrongs don't make a right, but 3 rights make a left. **
** Honey, this format thing really cleaned up the computer. **
** What's the opposite of progress? ... Congress. **
** Insanity takes it toll. Please have exact change. **
** One definite way to remember a woman's birthday is to forget it once. **
** If it wasn't for the last minute nothing would get done. **
** To each his own, and to me the rest. **
** I want to die like my grandfather - peacefully, in my sleep; not like his passengers - screaming and crying. **
** A bartender is only a pharmacist with limited inventory. **
** Computer: Touch any key to continue. You: Where's the "any key" ? **
** C:/Dos -- C:/Dos/Run -- Run/Dos/Run. **
** If nothing sticks to teflon, then how does teflon stick to the pan? **
** Team work is essential, it allows you to blame other. **
** Live forever or die trying. **
** Wealth is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. **
** Boxing is a lot like dancing, just no music, no coregraphy, and the dancers hit each other. **
** If at first you don't succeed - re-define success. **
** To get 100 accuracy shoot and whatever you hit call it the target. **
** Laught at your problems. Everyone else does. **
** The older someone gets, the further they had to walk to school as a child. **
** All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. **
** It is bad luck to be superstitious. **
** If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? **
** If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. **
** If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? **
** USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." **
** Whenever you feel that no one cares whether you live or die, try missing a couple of car payments. **
** If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? **
** Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (S)lap nearest innocent bystander. **
** A feature is a bug with seniority. **
** Documentation - The worst part of programming. **
** Not tonight, dear. I have a modem. **
** Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity. **
** A jury -- twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. **
** A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. **
** A critic is a man who knows the way, but can't drive the car. **
** Don't force it, get a larger hammer. **
** Drive defensively. Buy a tank. **
** f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. **
** Government corruption seems always to be reported in the past tense. **
** I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I **
** I used to be schizophrenic, but we're alright now. **
** I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. **
** If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station? **
** If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. **
** Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life. **
** Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. **
** Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? **
** The world is coming to an end. Please log off. **
** The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. **
** To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. **
** When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess. **
** Daddy, what does FORMATTING C DRIVE mean? **
** WindowError:01A Operating system overwritten. Terribly sorry. **
** We need a few mad people these days. Just look where the sane have got us. **
** Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. **
** What was the best thing before sliced bread? **
** What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? **
** Are computers addictive? No, they just take all the time you are willing to give them. **
** Being at work is like being in prison. Except you have to lock and unlock the doors yourself. **
** I don't have a license to kill. I do, however, have a learner's permit. **
** Keep honking, I'm reloading. **
** Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot. **
** Lonliness wouldn't be so bad if you had someone to share it with. **
** I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try and keep up! **
** Any cooked food that does not originate from a microwavable box is extravagant. **
** Everything is a game. **
** If rabbit's feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? **
** Yeah? You want funny? You want to be FUNNY??? You got it!!! **
** No qoutes is good quotes **
** A quote in the hand is worth two in the bush. **
** The worst thing about censorship is ############. **
** Look! I just got a free car! All I had to do was sign a few papers! **
** It's a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two cents in. Someone's making a penny here.... **
** Do they have sight-seeing humans for blind dogs? **
** Geez, they're building nuclear weapons like there's no tommorrow! **
** Lead me not into temptation, just point me in the right direction, I'll find it myself. **
** To err is human, to blame someone else is more human. **
** Don't steal. The government doesn't like competition! **
** As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools. **
** Be Humble. A lot was accomplished before you were born. **
** I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember. **
** If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, the first woodpecker that came along would completely destroy civilization. **
** Sometimes I think the surest proof that there's intelligent life elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. **
** I once was wrong, but I was mistaken. **
** Sperm and Lawyers: Each have a million-to-one chance of becoming a human being. **
** "When you lose your sense of humor it's not funny." **
** In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. **
** You should never be ashamed of who you are -anonymous **
** Last night I was playing poker with Tarot Cards. I got a full house and four people died. **
** I would give my right hand, to become ambidextrous. **
** The day you die is just like any other day, only shorter. **
** What's the difference between mostly cloudy and partly sunny? **
** Shell to DOS, Shell to DOS, come in DOS.... **
** I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure any more. **
** Bad spellers of the world, UNTIE! **
** If I were richer than Bill Gates, he'd be cleaning my Windows. **
** Two rules of life: Rule 1. Don't tell everyone everthing you know. Rule 2. **
** Life doesn't throw me curveballs, it just beats me with the bat. **
** I lost my mind but I know I saved it to disk. Somewhere.... **
** Keep honking. I'm reloading. **
** Smith & Wesson - The Original "Point and Click" Interface **
** If you have time to look at the speedometer, you're not going fast enough. **
** HELP WANTED: Psychic -- you know where to apply. **
** I used to be conceited, but now I'm perfect. **