* Don't call yourself by your real name, e.g.
Mr Fred Pinchuck
The Amazing Stevie Foster
* Don't call yourself by someone else's real name, e.g.
Mr Teddy Kennedy
Captain Dean Martin
* Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess, e.g.
Captain Power
Thunderman
Mr. Invincible
Justiceman
* But don't labour the point eg,
Mr. So-Fucking-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy
* Don't be too modest, e.g.
Mr. Pretty Good
Captain So-So
Fairly Incredible Man
* Don't choose a name detrimental to your crimefighting image, e.g.
Captain Spongecake
Mr Asshole
Yellow Streak
Purple Helmet
Captain Evil
Dr. Shit-For-Brains
* Don't choose a name with a sexual double meaning. For example, AC/DC
man is not a good name for a man with electrical powers.
* Don't choose the name of an existing superhero unless you have lots
of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
* It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power
is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital
hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
* Don't call yourself The Invisible Boy...if you're not.
* Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy...if you're a girl.
* Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady...if you're a man--even if you
do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body
* Don't give away any important information in your name e.g. The Glass
Jaw, Captian Vulnerable to Strontium 90.
* Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume,
you'll confuse people
Good and Bad Things To Keep In Your Crimecave
Good: Robot doubles
Bad: Rubber women
Good: Presidential Hotline
Bad: Mickey Mouse or Garfield phone
Good: Detailed map of the city
Bad: Color poster of New Kids On the Block
Good: Crime library
Bad: Stash of stroke mags
Good: Your Crimemobile on a turntable
Bad: Skateboard and ramp
Good: Sickbay and Auto-Medic Center
Bad: Tin of Band-Aids
Good: Spare costumes
Bad: Basques and peep-hole bras for the rubber women
Good: Computerized intruder detection system linked to multiplex alarm
Bad: Piece of cotton stretched across door tied to a small bell
Good: Forensic analysis laboratory
Bad: Whiskey still
Good: City in a bottle, shrunk by your arch enemy
Bad: Jar of candy
Good: Teleportation tube
Bad: Bus timetable
Good: Scale model of the galaxy showing life-sustaining planets
Bad: Model railroad layout
Good: Trophy room to display crimefighting and bodybuilding awards
Bad: Trophy room to display bowling awards
Good: Computerized crime files on diskettes
Bad: Collection of Anthrax CD's
Good: Secret emergency exit
Bad: Cat flap
Good: Weapon calibration tester
Bad: Pinball machine
Good: Gymnasium and fitness center
Bad: Fridge full of TV dinners, cold pizza and ice cream
Good: Mainframe crime computer
Bad: Nintendo entertainment system
Good: Hi-octane jet fuel storage for Crimemobile
Bad: Minibar stocked with beer
Good: Self-contained power generating system
Bad: Electricity meter and piles of loose change
Good: Combat simulation area
Bad: Trivial Pursuit set
Sidekicks
Advantages of a Boy Wonder
* They can watch your back in the thick of a fight.
* They can carry your accessory belt if you're feeling lazy
* They make you look taller and hunkier by comparison.
* They're small and supple enough to wriggle out of their bonds and free
you from Puffinmaster's diabolical death trap--just in time!
* They're just about the right height for headbutting or biting a super
villain in the nuts--which makes them a force to be feared in the
criminal underworld!
* They're someone you can explain the plot to for the benefit of
particularly slow readers.
* They can give your comic a vital sales boost--simply by getting
themselves killed
* When they die, you have an excuse to go on a protracted frenzied rampage
of violent revenge--and keep those sales figures high!
Disadvantages of a Boy Wonder
* They'd much rather stay in and play Nintendo than go out on patrol
* They get shy and awkward when confronted by a female supervillain
* They pick their noses when you're with the Police Commissioner
* They want to wear a Walkman into combat
* People talk...
* A 13-year-old boy is no match for a 210-lb criminal sociopath with a
death-ray glare
* They go into a sulk if you won't play a twelve-day game of Dungeons &
Dragons with them
* They embarrass you by whistling at girls out of the Crimemobile
* They never tidy up after themselves in the Crimecave, so the whole place
quickly gets littered with dirty t-shirts, comics, skateboards, apes,
discarded bubblegum, catcher's mitts, smelly socks, half-eaten candy bars,
half-finished model cars, long forgotten packets of contraceptives
bought in a moment of supreme bravado and overconfidence, dirty plates,
CDs out of their cases, stroke mags, tubes of acne cream, and crumpled
tissues
* They don't wash, so they smell.
* They think it's funny to suddenly fart in public.
* They can easily be taunted by supervillains into bursting into tears and
running off--simply by pointing and shouting, "Virgin, Virgin! Look
everybody there's a virgin Boy Wonder over here!"
* They'll quite happily play stickball in the midst of $20 million worth
of delicate criminology lab equipment.
* They get carsick in the Crimemobile
* In the midst of battle, it's futile to yell, "Battle maneuver 18, chum!"
-- because chances are they can't count up that high
* They call you things like 'The Big Enchillada' or 'Super-Dude'
* They get zits and look real unsightly
* They think your bald spot is hilarious
* They talk crap
* They make you feel very old
Advantages of a Girl Wonder
* They look much better than a Boy Wonder
* People don't automatically assume that you're, you know, that way...
* Overall, they're much more intelligent and mature than boys of the same age
* People think you must be OK to be seen in the company of such a hot babe
* Supervillains get dead jealous of you
* You might get lucky
Disadvantages of a Girl Wonder
* They're always holding slumber parties in the Crimecave
* One tiny zit and they're out of action for at least two weeks
* They insist on having at least a dozen different costumes to wear
* They won't fight crime if N'Sync is on MTV
* They won't fight crime if they're waiting for a phone call
* Other superheroes will try to steal her away from you
* They kill people when they're premenstrual
* They jam up the Emergency Crime Hotline with calls to Tammi, Samantha,
Jo-Jo,Mindy,Mandi,Shelley,Bernice, Pam,Tina,Linda,Sandy,Crissy,the
Berkowitz Twins--and Jim
* If you receive an emergency call at 2am and their hair's in curlers --
forget it!
* They're no use for fighting Tarantula Man or Rat Master
* Their approach to fighting supervillains tends to be strictly limited to
pulling his hair, slapping his face or hitting him with a shoe
* They get crushes on your arch enemy because "He's like so totally dark
an' mysterious an' mean an' moody but that's only 'cause someone musta
rilly hurt him bad one time. I can tell.. Etc. etc. etc."
* They won't watch your back in combat if you failed to notice their new
hair style
* They get upset if you and your arch enemy start shouting at each other
during battle
Good Things to Put Down Your Tights Before Battle
* Titanium steel plating
* Electronic groinal defense shield
* Socks (they sexually intimidate insecure supervillains)
* Acid-resistant gonad shroud
* Asbestos fire-blanket
* Electromagnetic scrotal forcefield generator
* Love Blob auto-security screen
* Genital-seeking missile repulsor unit
* Bulletproof penile shaft armor
* Your Girl Wonder's hands
* Your Girl Wonder's head
* All of the above, simultaneously
Bad Things to Put Down Your Tights Before Battle
* Glass jockstrap
* Epileptic lobsters
* Bear trap with a dodgy spring
* Napalm
* 5 lbs. of wriggling cockroaches (unless it intimidates supervillains)
* 4 gallons of quick-drying cement
* Your barbed-wire collection
* Your stuffed porcupine lucky mascot
* Strawberry jam
* Genital-seeking missile
* Your Boy Wonder's hands
* You Boy Wonder's head
* A piece of modern sculpture consisting entirely of razor blades
Supervillains You Want to Tackle
* Fishpaste Sandwich Maker
* Baron Scaredy-Cat
* The Crochet Master
* Mr. White Knuckles
* Nosebleed Boy
* Dr. Scared Shitless
* Bondage Damsel
* Sissy Man
* Fellatio Lass
Supervillains to Avoid
* Emitorr, the Nuclear Radiation Man
* Thargorr the Planet Crusher
* Dr. Slaughterhouse
* Garth, the Gonad Detonator Supreme
* Dr. Disemboweller
* The Slasher From Beyond the Stars
* Krisparr the Incinerator
* Sun-Up, the Solar Sodomizer
* Fellatio Lad
* Mr. Rip-Your-Nuts-Off-And-Eat-Them-In-Front-Of-You