By Matt Sussman
Asst. Opinion Editor
January 15, 2004

One of the world's biggest idiots unleashed his havoc in 2001. Remember? It was towards the end of the year, he caused mass hysteria and we ended up in a giant manhunt for this guy? That's right, I'm talking about Brad Sharp.

Gotcha!

This is a kid who, two months after the World Trade Center came tumblin' down, decided to pull a prank that ultimately cost him. Sharp and his friends stole a garbage can, filled it with water, leaned it against our front door, then rang the bell and made a break for it. Sure enough, the freezing water poured into our house, damaged the wood floor, which trickled down into the basement and ruined some high-quality office equipment. Whatever happened to just toilet papering dead trees?

Turns out this kid was so dumb, he decided to do it again to another random house. Eventually the kid was found, which was fortunate because he had other outstanding warrants. He served prison time, went on probation and paid for the damages he caused. Smart kid. You think he's manager of a gas station yet?

Fast forward to last semester. A Ball State University police officer accidentally shot a student whose blood-alcohol level was 0.34. It's not a good sign if your BAC could have won the American League baseball batting title last year. Tragic, yes. Inevitable?

Here's a tragedy that's fresh in our minds: Garrit Nixon, the University student, is missing after -- get this -- egging cars, running from the police and jumping into an icy cold river. Twice. Was he under the influence of alky-hol? You bet. Not only that, but several of his friends were arrested for underage consumption. Tragic, yes. Inevitable?

While we don't yet know Garrit's fate, I think we can all establish a pattern. Stupid behavior, such as vandalizing property and listening to country music, seems to be the result of a higher power.

Wait, it couldn't be alcohol, could it? Why should we blame booze for what happened to a few unfortunate souls? After all, those Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" commercials are sometimes more entertaining than the television show. Although I could do without those Coors Light commercials with the no-talent singer/talker: "I / love / staying out 'till three / having sex for free / getting STDs / and twins!"

Should we prohibit alcohol, since it seems to be the root of all evil? Well, according to most history books, we tried that and it just made people drink more. Odd.

Every sober person knows vandalism is wrong. Even drunk people know vandalism is wrong, but when your motor skills are impaired, it feels so right. When people drink socially, they usually prevent their friends from smashing a TV on their own head or urinating in a VCR, which is the kind of behavior we emulate from reckless shows like "Jackass" and "The Golden Girls."

Now, my friends like to drink (whose don't?), and all they've done is created countless forgettable memories, though not forgotten by yours truly. They didn't die, and those college students who often get rowdy after a few keg stands will write people like Garrit off as just some idiot. I say this because I've heard it from people. These are people who are adept to the fine art of being drunk, and who will live long enough to have a family and tell their children not to drink. The circle of life is complete.

I say let it happen. Yes, it's a very heartless philosophy, but you can't save them all. That's why we have websites like the Smoking Gun and the Darwin Awards. Dumb people will continue to bring us amusement in the form of their drunken stupor, but every once in a while the house is dealt blackjack, and lives are lost. Even I, the messenger of macabre humor, admit that young deaths aren't funny. They're sadder than a clown with an empty seltzer bottle.

I don't want to stop you from drinking. Why should I ruin your fun? Since most of you live productive lives, what's the harm in living a counterproductive nightlife? What would be left for me to laugh at ---- Wanda Sykes? Oh, I highly doubt it.

You kids go ahead and have your fun. Drink your beer, egg your cars, outrun your local constable and hopefully don't die. Better yet, don't get caught. Now that would be tragic.

E-mail Matt with your thoughts or comments (or congratulate him on his promotion) at sussman@collegeclub.com.