| The Biography of Pirate Dan The year was 1977. Disco was at it's peak. The nation was healing from the wounds of Vietnam. Jimmy Carter was preaching the goodness of peanuts at the beginning of a recession. And a baby of buccaneer destiny was conceived in the alleys of Okinawa. The proud parents were Yeoman Herman Moscowitz, a sailor enjoying his 2 day shore leave by engaging a healthy appreciation for Asian women, and Dir Ma Chi, a woman who was known around the local club and bar district as a thrifty woman that for five dollars could stretch a sailor's money to create a small group, usually two to three people, party. Unfortunately, due to Navy regulations, Yeoman Moscowitz was forced to return to his ship and never saw the thrify young woman again. Nine months later, in the back of a mahjong parlor, a young strapping Pirate Dan came into the world. His doting mother entrusted the care to her male business manager, a Mr Tricky Bear , who placed the child in the very capable hands of International Pay Adoptions Corportation. Due to the complicated Japanese Tax structure, Internation Pay Adoptions Corporation quickly filed for bankruptcy, and Pirate Dan found himself flowing down a river in a basket, wearing nothing but swaddling clothes, only to found by the daughter of Pharoah Ramses I. Whoops, wrong historicaly significant baby. Pirate Dan learned to walk and speak in an english-japanese orphanage. He called the institution home until 1983, when he was adopted a Charles Wentworth Carlin III, a wealthy land owner who lived on a refurbished schooner. Pirate Dan, as he named himself at age 3 after watching a particularly inspiring episode of "The Carebears", lived happily with his new father and his father's entourage of security men. That is until the mad pirate of the South China seas Moshe Shelvski and his dashing crew tried to raid the SS Dollars and Cents. The resulting duels left Pirate Dan the only living person, aside from a parrot, on the two ships. He found the operating manual on the SS Pirate Ship and learned to sail quite quickly. He grew quickly into a strapping young pirate, and ruled the high seas with his mouthy sidekick, Parrot Jan. But with time Pirate Dan grew up and out. As with all boys he went through changes. He grew hair in places where there had been no hair before; His voice deepened; And he looked at women in a different way. Well, he would look at women differently if he ever saw them. After a quickly aborted attempted romantic rendeavous with Parrot Jan, Pirate Dan decided to find a woman. By this time it was 1990. Puffy pants were in style and male makeup was flying off the shelves. Heavy Metal Rock and Roll groups were finishing their stint at the top of the billboard charts. And Pirate Dan arrived in Miami, Florida. He was promptly arrested by United States Immigration and Naturalization Service (I.N.S.) representatives on the grounds that he was a Cuban illegal immigrant despite the fact that he spoke perfect unaccented english and had explained the situation to the I.N.S. representatives. He quickly was sent to a deportation holding facility, where a miracle occured. He met a man who was being deported who had been a navy yeoman before going Absent With Out Leave (A.W.O.L.) and declaring a small island off Japan Moscowitzilvania. When he attempted to reenter the United States with a passport made from cocanut leaves, which were the primary crop and industry of the Sovereign Republic of Moscowitzilvania, he was promptly arrested and placed into the deportation holding facility. When Pirate Dan and the anonymous ex-sailor and ex-dictator of a small island nation with a population of seven were released, due to a governmental mistake, as Mrs Co He Daa and Ms Martina Gonazalez, the sailor introduced Pirate Dan to many thrifty women with similar careers as his mother. After many days of starting relationships that ended when Pirate Dan did not leave a twenty dollar bill on a dresser, he met a beautiful woman of the name Lana LeBleau. Their relationship quickly progressed and upon learning how lucrative the buccaneer industry was, agreed to be the bride of Pirate Dan. They married shortly and Pirate Dan returned to high seas. Over the next ten years he fathered two children who live with their mother in the Sovereign Republic of Moscowitzilvania, which was won by Pirate Dan in a game of Ro Sham Bo. Pirate Dan still sails the seas with his motley crew of good for nothings and undesirables, but with the decline of the Privateer industry has decided to offer free lessons on how to be a pirate, via the internet. So if you ever see man who looks dashing, dangerous, and with the confidence of some one who wears the skull and crossbones proudly, tip your hat and give a hearty "Argh" to him and maybe, just maybe, Pirate Dan will ask you to be one of his manly crew. -article written by K. Larson copied from Pirates & Buccaneers Monthly |