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So, you decided on the no-brainer... Good choice! We hope these will bring a smile to your face. Newer jokes will be added at to the bottom of the page, in case you've been here before.
Ask people on the elevator if they've seen the first part of the movie "Speed". Put notices in the elevators that read "Last Inspection: Passed. Next Inspection Due: Jan 87" Countdown "5...4...3...2...1" and then suddenly duck. Keep muttering, "I hope it doesn't happen again..." Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!" Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body." Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask,"Got enough air in there?"
Tech Support calls YOU for help. Someone tells you a joke, and you say "LOL" out loud. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out". Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word "i" should be capitalized. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!" You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time. Your dog leaves you. You look at an annoying person and wish you had your ignore button handy. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours. Your ICQ list has over 100 people on it. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake. You type faster than you think. You got your psychiatrist addicted to the internet too & are now undergoing therapy in chat rooms instead of at his office You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie. You don't want to leave in case you miss something. You double click your TV remote You check your E-mail but forget you have real mail. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life". You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed then yourself!
(A story posted in Ann Landers Column 4/21/93)
I woke up early one morning feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older." But I decided not to dwell on it. So I showered and shaved, knowing that when I went to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say "Happy birthday, dear."
All smiles, I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes. They will sing "Happy Birthday" and have a nice gift for me."
There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen and yelling: "Give me a slice of toast! I"m late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked in, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked whether she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.
Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?"
So we locked up the office and because it was my birthday, I said "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when my secretary said, "Why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you another martini?" It sounded like a good idea, as we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis.
After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable." She left the room. In a few minutes she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids.
And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot." In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday." In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed." In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.." On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs." In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced" Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends." On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak." In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished." In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves." On a roller coaster: "Watch your head." On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission." On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
(Editor's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that needs no
polishing or enhancement to make it a good tax story. This is one of those.
It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last
year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits.We
believe the letter speaks for itself.)
Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsibility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem. Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!) Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patios she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd / reggae/yuppie / political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican / Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest , then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
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