Twenty Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail".

15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.

12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.

8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

5. SIT & STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

4. Saliva-coated mouse gets might difficult to maneuver.

3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than on-line chat rooms.

And the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE

WeIjTyH P:AzWqS. *

*(Translation - Too darn hard to type with paws.)

(Contributed by Mary Green to the Tulsa Dog Training Club's August '96 newsletter, "PawPrints")