One-Liners - Posted 09/24/20041 My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2 I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3 Some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them. 4 I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5 Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive. 6 You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 7 Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8 Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9 Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research. 10 I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing. 11 Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12 God must love stupid people; he made so many. 13 The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14 It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you. 15 Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 16 Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it. 17 Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. 18 Hangover is the wrath of grapes. 19 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 20 They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 21 He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 22 A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but ! it uses up three thousand times the memory on your computer. 23 HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. ************************************************************************* |
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Conversations - Posted 08/10/2004 IF YOUR DOG IS BARKING AT THE BACK DOOR AND YOUR WIFE IS YELLING AT FRONT DOOR WHOM DO YOU LET IN FIRST ? THE DOG OFCOURSE. HE WILL SHUT UP WHEN YOU LET HIM IN. WHY IT IS MORE IMPORTANT FOR WOMEN TO BE PRETTY RATHER THAN SMART? BECAUSE MEN CAN SEE BETTER THAN THEY CAN THINK. WIFE l: WHEN I MARRIED YOU I THOUGHT YOU WERE A BRAVE MAN HUSBAND: SO DID ALL MY FRIENDS. THERE WAS A LOVER WHO SAID THAT HE WILL GO THROUGH HELL FOR HER, THEY GOT MARRIED NOW HE IS GOING THROUGH HELL HUSBAND TO WIFE: WHY DO YOU KEEP READING OUR MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE AGAIN AND AGAIN? WIFE TO HUSBAND: I AM LOOKING FOR A LOOPHOLE. I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO MY WIFE IN 18MONTHS I DON'T LIKE TO INTERRUPT HER. WHAT IS THE DIFFERNCE BETWEEN A WIFE AND A MAGNET MAGNETS HAVE A POSITIVE SIDE I AM GOING TO GET A DIVORCE, MY WIFE HAS NOT SPOKEN TO ME IN LAST SIX MONTHS BETTER THINK IT OVER AGAIN, WIVES LIKE THAT ARE HARD TO GET. THE POOR WISH TO BE RICH THE RICH WISH TO BE HAPPY THE SINGLE WISH TO BE MARRIED AND THE MARRIED WISH TO BE DEAD. A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE REQUIRES FALLING IN LOVE MANY TIMES - ALWAYS WITH THE SAME PERSON. FIRST GUY (PROUDLY) MY WIFE IS AN ANGEL SECOND GUY, YOU'R LUCKY, MINE'S STILL ALIVE. MARRIAGE IS LIKE A CAGE; ONE SEES THE BIRDS OUTSIDE DESPERATE TO GET IN AND THOSE INSIDE DESPARATE TO GET OUT. THE MOST HAPPY MARRIAGE ONE CAN IMAGINE WOULD BE THE UNION OF A DEAF MAN TO A BLIND WOMAN. A LITTLE BOY ASKED HIS FATHER, HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO GET MARRIED, FATHER REPLIED, I DON'T SON I AM STILL PAYING. TO BE HAPPY WITH A MAN, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND HIM A LOT AND LOVE HIM A LITTLE TO BE A HAPPY WITH WOMAN, YOU MUST LOVER HER A LOT AND NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND HER AT ALL. WHEN NEWLY MARRIED MAN LOOKS HAPPY, WE KNOW WHY BUT WHEN A TEN YEAR MARRIED MAN LOOKS HAPPY, WE WONDER WHY. WHEN HAVING FIRST FIGHT AFTER MARRIAGE, HE SAID THAT WHEN WE GOT MARRIED YOU PROMISED TO LOVE, HONOR AND OBEY SHE SAID, I KNOW BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO START AN ARGUMENT IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE. THE FARMER SAID TO HIS WIFE': WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FIFTY YEARS WHY DON'T WE KILL THE CHICKEN TONIGHT? HIS WIFE SAID: WHY KILL THE CHICKEN, IT IS NOT HIS FAULT. IT IS FUNNY WHEN PEOPLE DISCUSS OVER LOVE "MARRIAGE V/S ARRANGED MARRIAGE" IT IS LIKE ASKING A PERSON TO "HANG" HIMSELF OR "SHOOT" HIMSELF ************************************************************************* |
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Converations - Posted 08/10/2004 HE: can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!! HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!! HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!! HE: Can I have your name? SHE: Why, don't you already have one? HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Hiding from you. HE: Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. HE: Is this seat empty? SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. HE: Hey baby, what's your sign? SHE: Do not enter. Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you." Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?" Man : You remind me of the sea. Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? Man : NO, because you make me sick. BOY : May I hold your hand?? GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy. GIRL : Did you miss me while I was away?? BOY : Were you away?? GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night?? BOY : What time was it?? GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY : You love me... GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring?? BOY : Sure, what's your phone number?? GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.. BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.. GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.. BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?? BOY : I love you and I could die for you! GIRL : How soon?? BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you! GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?? Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and come s out of the other. Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter? Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly. Jimmy : Mom, can I have two pieces of cake? Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two. Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated. Lily : So what do you do? Sam : I close my eyes. ************************************************************************* |
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Excercise - Posted 04/23/2003 It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is. The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them! DON'T YOU LOVE IT?? ************************************************************************* |
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Great Loss - Posted 04/23/2003 President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss." ************************************************************************* |
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Jokes on marriage - Posted 04/23/2003 Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer. Q. Why are blonde jokes so short? A. So men can remember them. Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A. They already have boyfriends. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her. "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." ************************************************************************* |
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15 PIECES OF ADVICE - Posted 03/07/2003 01. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 02. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. 03. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 04. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 05. Go for the younger man. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 06. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 07. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 08. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 09.. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 14.. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal. ************************************************************************* |
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3 Wishes - Posted 08/04/2002 A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says,"Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and he was gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff, and he was also gone. The boss calmly said,"I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch" Moral of the story is: " Always allow the boss to speak first" ************************************************************************* |
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10 kinds of peopleThere are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who under- stand binary, and those who don't. ************************************************************************* |
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For the Indians out there Atal Bihari goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son." The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life." Atal responds, "But the girl is Ambani's daughter." "Well, in that case..." Next Atal approaches Ambani. "I have a husband for your daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..." Finally Atal goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice president." "But I already have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case....." ************************************************************************* |
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There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed." ********************************************************************** | ||||
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Final Exam It was the final exam for an English course at a university. Like most freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Thirty minutes into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the students filed up and handed their exams in. All except the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, he finally came up to the professor's desk and attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late!" The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor sarcastically. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again. "No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good!" replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room. ************************************************************************* |
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Let there be light "In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better." ********************************************************************** | ||||
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Just an annual ritual From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts." ********************************************************************** | ||||
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Arthritis A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." ********************************************************************** | ||||
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Attitude A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?" ********************************************************************** | ||||
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The deaf wife A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness." Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she's chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew." ********************************************************************** | ||||
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Bad Luck A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed at his bedside every single day. One day, when he comes to, he motions for her to come nearer. As she sits by him, he whispers, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asks, smiling as her heart begins to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck." ********************************************************************** | ||||
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To: All Employees From: Management Effective: Immediately (or sooner) SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan 1 and Dec. 25. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy; normal sized people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure; fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill. DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input, should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. The Management ********************************************************************** | ||||
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