ELLEN "THE HOSTAGE" by Bev Conover ACT ONE SCENE-1 FADE IN: INT. ELLEN'S APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON ELLEN IS ARRANGING A LARGE BOUQUET OF YELLOW DAISIES. SHE PICKS UP A YELLOW HIGHLIGHTER AND STARTS COLORING ON THE PETALS. PAIGE KNOCKS AT THE DOOR AND ENTERS CARRYING A NEWSPAPER. PAIGE Wow - What a gorgeous bunch of flowers. ELLEN Thanks. They're for the book reading tonight. I want everything to be perfect. PAIGE What are you doing? ELLEN There's some brown spots on the petals. I'm getting rid of them. ELLEN STOPS FOR A MOMENT AND INSPECTS HER WORK. ELLEN (CONT'D) Actually, now I have highlighted brown spots. PAIGE Here's the newspaper you wanted. ELLEN TAKES PAPER AND LOOKS THROUGH IT. ELLEN Thanks. I took out a big ad for tonight. (LOOKS THROUGH PAPER) It was supposed to be in yesterday's paper too, but they screwed up... Oh God, it's not in here either - I don't believe this. PAIGE Now what are you going to do? ELLEN I'm going to call the paper - you're about to witness a very ugly side of me - you may want to leave the room. ELLEN DIALS PHONE. PAIGE Not on your life. It's so rare that I get a glimpse of true ugly... Who's this guy who's doing the reading, anyway? ELLEN (WAITING FOR PHONE TO ANSWER) He's only the most famous author I've ever had in. His name's J. B. Christy and he's just finished a biography of Humphrey Bogart called "Here's Lookin' at You, Kid"... (LOOKS AT PHONE) ...They know it's me and they're not answering. (SLAMS PHONE DOWN) PAIGE Is he cute? ELLEN Bogart? No, he's not cute, he's dead. PAIGE No, the author. ELLEN He's fat, fifty, overbearing and balding - but cute? Not cute. PAIGE What are you going to do if nobody shows up? ELLEN People better show up. I paid this kid twenty bucks yesterday to pass out 200 flyers. We should have a pretty good crowd, but I really wanted it to be special and a huge turnout. PAIGE GOES INTO THE KITCHEN AND PEERS INTO THE SINK. PAIGE Oh my God, your sink's backed up. ELLEN No it's not. Those are chicken livers - I'm soaking them...for tonight. PAIGE This is your idea of special? ELLEN It does look pretty gross, but it's hard to make 200 chicken livers look attractive. We're going to make rumaki. PAIGE What's that? ELLEN It's an hors d'ouevre. You just take a piece of one of these and wrap it in a slice of bacon and pop it in the oven - they're delicious... Really... really delicious... Now that I think of it, I'll bet this chicken never dreamed its liver would end up wrapped in a slice of bacon and somebody would eat it. PAIGE I'm going to be sick. ELLEN Just let the water out and they'll drain. PAIGE You let the water out - I'm not sticking my arm in there. ELLEN CROSSES TO THE SINK TO LET THE WATER OUT. ELLEN Hey, how about a liver shake, while we're waiting for Adam to get here? PAIGE Thanks, but I already had one on the way over. ELLEN Where is he anyway? PAIGE He said he was going to come as the boogyman, or something? ELLEN The boogyman? PAIGE That's what he said. What's a boogyman, anyway? ELLEN It's a device previous generations used to control and scare the pants off of their children. Are you sure he didn't say he was coming as Bogie? PAIGE Yeah, that's it. ADAM KNOCKS AND ENTERS. HE'S DRESSED IN A FORTIES STYLE SUIT AND HAT. ADAM (IN HIS BEST BOGIE IMPERSONATION) Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, you had to pick this one. ELLEN Well this gin joint is serving liver shakes, want one? ADAM (AS BOGIE) I like my liver straight up. Thanks anyway. ELLEN You aren't really going to wear that outfit tonight, are you? ADAM (OWN VOICE) Gee, Ellen, you don't know the trouble I went to put this together. Do you know how hard it is to find a hat like this in a city that worships baseball caps? Besides, I'm a real Bogie fan. This just kind of gets me in the mood. ADAM PEERS INTO THE SINK AT THE LIVER. ADAM (CONT'D) This just got me out of the mood. What is that? ELLEN Chicken livers. Just roll up your sleeves and get to work, it's getting late. ADAM Me? Touch that stuff? I don't think so. What ever happened to crackers and Cheeze Whiz? ELLEN You don't understand, this is going to be a very upscale crowd tonight. It can't look like it was catered by 7-Eleven. ADAM What about pretzels? Could we at least have some pretzels for those of us who are downscale? DISSOLVE TO: ACT ONE SCENE-2 INT. "BUY THE BOOK" BOOKSTORE - NIGHT THE BOOKSTORE IS DECORATED WITH BLACK AND WHITE BALLOONS AND STREAMERS. THE CHAIRS HAVE BEEN ARRANGED FOR THE READING, IN ANTICIPATION OF A LARGE CROWD. ELLEN, PAIGE, ADAM AND AUDREY ARE SETTING OUT CHAMPAGNE AND HORS D'OUEVRES. AUDREY PICKS UP A RUMAKI AND TASTES IT. AUDREY This is pretty good. PAIGE You may think so, but I know what it is. AUDREY SPITS OUT THE RUMAKI IN A NAPKIN AS JOE ENTERS CARRYING A BIG SIGN. JOE Here's your sign, Ellen. ELLEN Oh, great Joe. Thanks for picking it up. ELLEN READS FROM SIGN ELLEN (CONT'D) J.B. Christy - here tonight - 8 p.m. - will sing copies of his latest book. SING COPIES !?! What tune is he going to sing it to, Joe? The theme from "Bogart's Greatest Hits"? JOE Where does it say "editor" in my job description? ELLEN I'm sorry, Joe. It's just that everything's supposed to be perfect and nothing's going right. The rumaki burned and shriveled and now I'm going to have people showing up for a sing-a-long. AUDREY I can fix it for you, I have some white out and a marker in my purse. ELLEN Of course you do Audrey. AUDREY What part do you want changed? PAIGE Here, I'll show you. Ellen why don't you try to plump up the rumaki. ADAM (LEADING ELLEN AWAY) Good idea. A CHAUFFEUR (WITH FRENCH ACCENT) ENTERS CARRYING A PEDESTAL AND STATUE UNDER A HOODED COVER. CHAUFFEUR I'm looking for Mademoiselle Ellen Morgan. ELLEN I'm Ellen Morgan. CHAUFFEUR Bon soir, mademoiselle. I am zee driver of Monsieur Christy. He awaits in the limousine. (LOOKS AROUND) No one has arrived as yet? ELLEN No, not yet. But you know how California people are - they're always running late. Actually, they're always running...running- running-running, but late...very late. CHAUFFEUR I see. Well, this is a prop for Monsieur Christy. (HE LIFTS THE HOOD) It is a replica of the original Maltese Falcon and it was given to him personally by Monsieur Humphrey Bogart. May I place it in a safe place beside zee stage? ELLEN Zee stage? CHAUFFEUR Yes, zee stage - from which Monsieur Christy will read. ELLEN Oh, yes, that would be right over here. You can just set it here. CHAUFFEUR Merci. I will wait with Monsieur in the limousine. He will make his appearance promptly at 8 o'clock. Please make sure everyone is seated by then. ELLEN No problem. THE CHAUFFEUR EXITS. ELLEN (CONT'D) I can't understand why no one's here yet. PAIGE ENTERS FROM THE BACK ROOM HOLDING 200 FLYERS. PAIGE This could explain it. ELLEN Those are the flyers I paid that kid to deliver. PAIGE He delivered them straight into the trash can out back. ELLEN That little sleeze. What am I going to do? AUDREY Oh, Ellen. I think it's too late to find him and have them delivered now. ELLEN Thank you for that, Audrey. Look, Adam, you go out and find some people... pay them if you have to... but get them in here. ADAM O.K. I'll do my best, but you know most people have plans on a Friday night. ELLEN Just go. ADAM EXITS. ELLEN (CONT'D) Paige, call everyone you know and tell them to get in here - fast! DISSOLVE TO: ACT ONE SCENE-3 INT. BOOKSTORE - MOMENTS LATER ELLEN IS ON THE PHONE. ELLEN (INTO PHONE) Mom, you and Dad have to get down here - it's an emergency. (A BEAT) Well, uh... this guy wants to ask Dad for my hand in marriage. (SHE HANGS UP) They'll be right down. ADAM ENTERS WITH 3 HOMELESS LOOKING PEOPLE. ADAM Right in here. THE HOMELESS DESCEND ON THE TABLE IN A FEEDING FRENZY OF HORS D'OUEVRES AND CHAMPAGNE. ELLEN GRABS ADAM ASIDE. ELLEN This is not turning out to be special. Adam, what is this? ADAM It's the best I could do on such short notice. ELLEN But, they're so... so... unkempt. ADAM Unkempt? It cost me ten bucks each to get them here and you want kempt? Besides, it's almost 8 o'clock. FAT, FIFTY AND BALDING J.B. CHRISTY AND CHAUFFEUR MAKE A GRAND ENTRANCE. ELLEN Oh my God. J.B. Good evening (LOOKS AROUND) What on earth? ELLEN Mr. Christy... J.B... sir... I can explain. You see I had this ad in the paper that didn't run and then I had these flyers that didn't fly and... well, these people here would really like to hear your reading. J.B. LOOKS AT THE HOMELESS. J.B. They seem a bit preoccupied. (TURNS TO ELLEN) My good woman. This is an insult. J.B. TWIRLS AROUND IN A FLOURISH AND LEAVES WITH HIS CHAUFFEUR. ELLEN (CALLS AFTER HIM) Does this mean you won't autograph my book? (BACK TO GROUP) This is my worst nightmare. I'm ruined. Once this gets around I'll never be able to have another reading. AUDREY I know a good psychic who does readings. ELLEN'S PARENTS ENTER PAIGE No, this is your worst nightmare. MRS MORGAN Ellen, I'm so happy for you. I knew this day would come. ELLEN LEADS HER MOTHER BY THE HAND OVER TOWARDS THE HOMELESS. ELLEN Mom, Dad... there's someone I'd like you to meet. MRS. MORGAN SEES THE HOMELESS, STOPS DEAD IN HER TRACKS AND COLLAPSES. ALL HELP HER UP. MR MORGAN I think I'd better take your mother home dear. We'll meet your friend at another time - possibly. Just don't do anything until we talk. We need to talk. ELLEN O.K. Dad. MR. MORGAN ASSISTS MRS. MORGAN AS THEY EXIT. ELLEN (CONT'D) (TO HOMELESS) Alright folks, I think it's time to leave now. The reading's been cancelled. Adam will take you home... uh... or wherever. Take the hors d'ouevres with you if you like. THE HOMELESS GATHER UP THE GOODIES AND EACH TAKE A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE. ON THE WAY OUT, ONE OF THE HOMELESS MEN STOPS TO TALK TO ELLEN. HOMELESS MAN May the wheels on your shopping cart always face the same direction. ELLEN (TAKEN A BIT BY SURPRISE) Why, thank you. And may you find a cart with anti-lock brakes. THEY EXIT WITH ADAM. SFX: THE TELEPHONE RINGS AND JOE ANSWERS IT. JOE Ellen, it's for you. It's the Chauffeur. ELLEN (INTO PHONE) Hello? (A BEAT) Oh, right. No problem... tomorrow will be fine. We'll take good care of it. Listen, I'm so sorry about... SHE LOOKS AT PHONE AND HANGS UP. ELLEN (CONT'D) He left J.B.'s statue and the pedestal here. He'll be by tomorrow to pick them up. ELLEN CROSSES OVER TO THE PEDESTAL AND SEES THAT THE STATUE IS MISSING. SHE IS PARALYZED. JOE You were wrong, Paige. This is definitely her worst nightmare. ELLEN Where is it? It was here just a little while ago. ELLEN RUSHES TO THE FRONT DOOR AND CALLS OUT. ELLEN (CONT'D) Adam! Adam! (COMES BACK IN) It's too late - they're gone. AUDREY I don't think Adam took it. PAIGE Not Adam, ditsy, those people. (TO ELLEN) Now what are you going to do? ELLEN (WALKS TO PHONE AND DIALS) I'm calling the police. (A BEAT) Hello? I'd like to report a missing bird... No, I don't want Animal Control. It's not a live bird... No, I don't want to report a missing dead bird... I'm glad you find this so amusing. (A BEAT) I think it was taken by one of the homeless people I paid to come to my bookstore... No, business isn't that bad... I don't know where they live. That's how they get to be called homeless. (A BEAT) Drinking? Only a small amount of champagne, with a side of rumaki... Not saki, rumaki... Its liver... yes, liver and champagne. (A BEAT) I see... well we'll just have to wait then. SHE HANGS UP. PAIGE What did they say? ELLEN They should be able to send someone around by tomorrow to take a report. ADAM Tomorrow? ELLEN I guess birds aren't their priority. What am I going to do?... Whoever took it has probably hocked that dumb bird for a bottle of wine by now. AUDREY Believe me, Ellen, that bird wouldn't fetch even a glass of cheap Chardonnay - I know these things. ELLEN Well, all I know is that we have to find it. DISSOLVE TO: ACT ONE SCENE-4 INT. BOOKSTORE - NEXT DAY JOE IS BEHIND THE REGISTER WITH ADAM OPPOSITE HIM AS ELLEN AND PAIGE ENTER. JOE Did you find anything? ELLEN Zero - Zip. We hit every memorabilia shop around and this is the closest thing we found. SHE PULLS A REPLICA OF TWEEDY BIRD OUT OF A BAG. JOE You could paint it black. ELLEN (TO ADAM) Any luck finding any of the homeless? ADAM Nope. I guess they've moved. SUDDENLY WE HEAR THE SOUND OF BREAKING GLASS AND A PACKAGE COMES CRASHING THROUGH THE FRONT WINDOW. ELLEN RUSHES TO THE DOOR TO SEE WHO THREW IT. ELLEN Nobody there. JOE WALKS OVER TO PACKAGE. JOE What could this possibly be? ELLEN Maybe it's that book I ordered Special Delivery. JOE OPENS THE PACKAGE. JOE It's a videotape. PAIGE Does it say anything on it? JOE No. ELLEN It's probably from the Time-Life series on repairing broken windows. ADAM There's a VCR in Ellen's office. Let's play it. THEY ALL GO INTO ELLEN'S OFFICE AND JOE PUTS THE TAPE IN THE VCR. ELLEN I can't waste time looking at a movie. I have to do something about replacing that dumb bird. PAIGE Ellen, look at this. THE AMATEUR VIDEOTAPE PLAYS AND ON THE SCREEN APPEARS A MAN WITH A BAG OVER HIS HEAD SITTING ON A CHAIR. MAN ON TAPE I have your bird. Don't be alarmed, so far it has been well taken care of. THE CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL THE FALCON SITTING NEXT TO HIM ON A CHAIR. IT IS DRESSED IN A LITTLE T-SHIRT AND SUNGLASSES AND HAS A MINIATURE MICKEY MOUSE HAT ON ITS HEAD. MAN ON TAPE (CONT'D) If you ever want to see your bird again it will cost you $50,000. Start collecting the money and I'll be back in touch with you. Don't waste time because this nice treatment won't last. And don't even think about calling the police. THE TAPE ENDS. ELLEN $50,000? Is he crazy? PAIGE Maybe that bird's worth more than we thought. FADE OUT. END OF ACT I ACT TWO SCENE-1 FADE IN: INT. BOOKSTORE - LATER A WORKER IS REPLACING THE BROKEN WINDOW. JOE IS BEHIND THE REGISTER AS ADAM AND PAIGE ENTER. PAIGE How is she? JOE See for yourself. JOE MOTIONS TO WHERE ELLEN IS SITTING, DOWNTRODDEN, IN FRONT OF A LUMP OF CLAY. PAIGE AND ADAM CROSS OVER TO ELLEN. PAIGE Depression therapy? ELLEN This isn't therapy - this is a falcon. PAIGE A falcon - oh, right! ADAM It looks like a Jurrasic falcon. PAIGE KICKS ADAM. ADAM (CONT'D) But it has possibilities. ELLEN Maybe Spielberg would like to buy it for $50,000... Who am I kidding? ELLEN POUNDS THE INEPT REPLICA BACK INTO A LUMP OF CLAY. ADAM I'd say it has fewer possibilities now. PAIGE Maybe we should watch the videotape again. We might get some clues as to where the bird's being kept. ELLEN That's a great idea. DISSOLVE TO: ACT TWO SCENE-2 INT. ELLEN'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER ELLEN, PAIGE, & ADAM ARE ASSEMBLED IN FRONT OF THE T.V. AS THE VIDEO TAPE PLAYS. PAIGE Wait a minute - go back. I think I heard something. ELLEN REVERSES THE TAPE WITH THE REMOTE CONTROL AND STARTS THE TAPE AGAIN. MAN ON TAPE (V.O.) I have your bird. Don't be alarmed, so far it has been well taken care of. PAIGE That's it! I heard someone in the background order a cheeseburger, large fries and a chocolate shake. ELLEN I didn't hear anything. PAIGE Play it again. ELLEN BACKS UP THE TAPE AND PLAYS IT AGAIN AS THEY LISTEN CAREFULLY. MAN ON TAPE (V.O.) I have your bird. Don't be alarmed, so far it has been well taken care of. ELLEN I still didn't hear anything. ADAM Neither did I. PAIGE Maybe I'm just hungry. ADAM Play the rest of it. Maybe there's a real clue. ADAM LOOKS DISDAINFULLY AT PAIGE AS THE TAPE STARTS AGAIN. ADAM (CONT'D) Hold it. I've got it. There it is. ELLEN What? ADAM That room has a window in it. ELLEN Well, that certainly narrows it down. PAIGE Some clue. ELLEN Yeah, now we know he's not being held at the Pentagon. ADAM At least I'm not hearing voices. JOE ENTERS. JOE Ellen, there's someone here to see you. It's the chauffeur. ELLEN Tell him I'm out. Better yet, tell him I died... THE CHAUFFEUR ENTERS BEHIND JOE. ELLEN (CONT'D) I died laughing. You see we were just watching a very funny movie here. Hey, how are ya? I'll bet you came for the bird, right? CHAUFFEUR That is correct, mademoiselle. I came to pick up Monsieur's falcon. ELLEN Right. You came to pick up Monsieur's falcon. ELLEN PICKS UP THE TWEEDY BIRD, LOOKS AT IT AND PUTS IT DOWN AGAIN, RULING OUT THAT PLOY. ELLEN (CONT'D) Well, a funny thing happened. You see, it's not here... it's at home. I left it at home because I forgot to bring it. I mean I forgot to bring it and that's why it's at home. I took it there for safekeeping. CHAUFFEUR That is no problem, Mademoiselle. I will just drop by tomorrow to pick it up. ELLEN That's good. Tomorrow is good. CHAUFFEUR Till tomorrow then. Au revoir. ELLEN Ciao. Buenas Diaz. JOE AND THE CHAUFFEUR EXIT. ELLEN (CONT'D) God, now what am I going to do? I shouldn't have lied. This always happens when I lie. We have to find that stinking bird. ADAM (AS BOGIE) Listen, sweetheart. If you ask me, this calls for the big guns - Sam Spade. ELLEN Cut it out, Sam. I need ideas, not impressions. JOE ENTERS. JOE Ellen, you have a call. ELLEN I'm busy right now. JOE He said it's about the bird. ELLEN JUMPS AT THE PHONE. ELLEN (INTO PHONE) Listen you... you no-goodnik. ADAM LOOKS AT PAIGE. ADAM No-goodnik? PAIGE SHRUGS. ELLEN I want you to bring that damn bird back here this instant. (A BEAT) I don't have $50,000... Listen, how do I know you even have the bird. Put him on. (A BEAT) Sure, he's not talking. Couldn't we come to some agreement? I know you've gone to a lot of trouble here and had to buy a videotape and all... How about $50? (A BEAT) This is extortion! Look, I need more time. I don't have that kind of money. You don't by any chance have a payment plan... (A BEAT) Alright, I'll see what I can do. (A BEAT) Hey, don't threaten me. (LOOKS AT PHONE) He hung up! I'm not giving this guy 50 cents. ADAM Then you'd better try to resurrect that lump of clay out there. (AS BOGIE) I'm going to go see if I can round up any of those homeless people and shake them down. I'll find that dirty no-goodnik. ADAM EXITS AS THE WINDOW REPAIR GUY ENTERS WITH BILL IN HAND. WINDOW GUY All Done. Here's the bill. ELLEN TAKES THE BILL AND LOOKS AT IT. ELLEN I'm deducting this from the fifty grand. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF BREAKING GLASS. PAIGE Not again! ELLEN (TO WINDOW GUY) Do you have any plexiglass? DISSOLVE TO: ACT TWO SCENE-3 INT. ELLEN'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER ELLEN IS UNWRAPPING THE 2ND VIDEOTAPE AND PUTS IT IN THE VCR. ELLEN This guy sure has a flair for the dramatic - a simple ransom note would do. THE TAPE PLAYS AND WE SEE THE SAME MAN WITH A BAG OVER HIS HEAD. MAN ON TAPE I don't think you're taking this seriously enough, so I thought I'd give you an idea of what your procrastination has cost this bird. ON THE TAPE WE SEE THE FALCON WITH A HAND AROUND ITS NECK AND IT'S SUDDENLY PLUNGED INTO A TOILET WHILE WE HEAR GURGLING AND SQUAWKING SOUNDS FROM THE BIRD. (ELLEN, PAIGE AND JOE REACT) ELLEN Oh my God, that poor bird. PAIGE I don't think I can watch much more of this. JOE Wait, now he's back on the chair. ON THE TAPE WE SEE THE FALCON WITH A NOOSE AROUND ITS NECK, SITTING ON A CHAIR. A FOOT COMES INTO FRAME AND KICKS THE CHAIR OUT FROM UNDER THE BIRD AND WE SEE IT SWINGING BACK AND FORTH WHILE WE HEAR SOUNDS OF A CROAKING BIRD. THE MAN WITH THE BAG ON HIS HEAD COMES INTO FRAME AND TRIES TO GRAB THE BIRD, BUT HAS TROUBLE GETTING IT BECAUSE HE CAN'T SEE. HE FINALLY GRABS IT AROUND THE NECK AND HOLDS IT UP TO THE CAMERA. MAN ON TAPE I'm warning you, this is your last chance to come up with the money or this little fella's going to be wearing cement shoes. (A BEAT) I'll be in touch. THE TAPE ENDS AND ELLEN, PAIGE AND JOE STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A BEAT. THEN, ELLEN (GRABBING HER OWN THROAT) This is horrible. PAIGE Ellen, it's not like it's a real bird. ELLEN I know that. It's just that he looked so happy with his little Mickey Mouse hat on and now look what's happened. JOE I think you need to get a grip here, Ellen. Let's face it, you don't have $50,000 and you're dealing with some kind of a nut who takes terrible videos. PAIGE Joe's right. I think the only thing to do is call Mr. Christy and tell him what's happened. ELLEN You're right, Paige. Call him. PAIGE I have trouble owning up to my own sin at confession and you want me to call him? ELLEN You only have one sin? PAIGE (COYLY) Yeah, but it's a biggie. ELLEN Well, I can't call him. JOE Could we go back to Paige's sin for a minute? ELLEN/PAIGE No! JOE Just asking. A GOOD-LOOKING YOUNG POLICEMAN STANDS AT THE DOOR. POLICEMAN Did somebody here call to make a report on a stolen bird? ELLEN It's about time. The bird's probably been dismantled by now and is somewhere across the border. POLICEMAN What seems to be the problem? ELLEN Let me direct you to the scene of the crime. ELLEN LEADS THE GROUP INTO THE FRONT OF THE STORE. ELLEN This is where it took place. POLICEMAN What took place? ELLEN (RAPIDLY) Well, I was supposed to have a book reading last night and the turnout was awful, so Adam brought some homeless people in who ate and drank and left with Mr. Christy's bird that was given to him by Humphrey Bogart, who died. POLICEMAN (VERY PUZZLED) I see. ELLEN That isn't the worst of it... We tried to find these homeless people but they weren't home. Then the videotape broke my window and some guy with a bag over his head said he wanted $50,000 to return the bird. POLICEMAN Did you give him any money? ELLEN Of course not - so anyway, another videotape broke the window that the guy had just fixed and now the guy with the bag on his head is roughing up the bird and the chauffeur's due back here any minute and I don't have $50,000 or the bird. POLICEMAN Are you by any chance under a doctor's care? ELLEN Why, no. POLICEMAN You might consider it. PAIGE (TO POLICEMAN) Are you by any chance married? POLICEMAN No. PAIGE Just wondering. ADAM ENTERS WITH A HOMELESS MAN POLICEMAN Is this the birdsnatcher? ADAM (SARCASTICALLY) He says he doesn't know anything about the bird or a kidnapping. HOMELESS MAN I swear, lady, I don't remember anything about that night. ELLEN Too much champagne? HOMELESS MAN Too many of them little brown kibble things... I was sick all night. Besides, do I look like the type of guy who owns a videocamera? THE CHAUFFEUR ENTERS ELLEN Oh no. (HIDES BEHIND POLICEMAN) Can you take me into protective custody? CHAUFFEUR (SEES POLICEMAN AND STOPS) Is there some sort of problem here? PAIGE You might say that. ELLEN COMES OUT FROM BEHIND POLICEMAN. ELLEN I don't know how to tell you this, but I don't have your bird... CHAUFFEUR Well I'll just come back later for it. ELLEN No, it won't be here later... It's been stolen. You see we had these people in here that we didn't know and when they left the bird was gone too and then this videotape broke the window and... POLICEMAN (INTERRUPTING) Just leave it at "it's been stolen". CHAUFFEUR (SHOCKED) Oh my God, no. This cannot be. ELLEN But it can... and it is. CHAUFFEUR (GETTING ANGRY) That is impossible. You said you took it home for safekeeping. ELLEN I lied. I said that to give me more time to find it. CHAUFFEUR But what will Monsieur Christy say? That statue is worth $50,000 and was a gift from Monsieur Bogart. ELLEN I know it was a gift but... Hey, wait a minute. Who said anything about $50,000? CHAUFFEUR But that is what it's worth. ELLEN Well, isn't it interesting that the guy who took it actually knew its true value. THEY ALL STARE AT THE CHAUFFEUR. THEN ADAM GRABS A BAG AND PUTS IT OVER THE CHAUFFEUR'S HEAD. ELLEN That's him! PAIGE It is! I just didn't recognize him with his head on. THE POLICEMAN COMES FORWARD AND GRABS HIM BY THE ARM, AS THE CHAUFFEUR RIPS THE BAG FROM HIS HEAD. CHAUFFEUR (LOSES FRENCH ACCENT) It wasn't me, I swear. It was Christy's idea. You see book sales were slow and we needed to boost sales. We figured when this got out it would be good publicity for the book. ELLEN Well that's just great. You had us worried sick over that poor little bird and it was all a publicity stunt. CHAUFFEUR We never dreamed anyone would take a ransom of $50,000 seriously. ELLEN I knew that. ADAM And I knew you had a phoney french accent. PAIGE You did not. ADAM I did too... I just didn't say anything because I figured he needed the job. POLICEMAN (TO CHAUFFEUR) O.K., lets go. CHAUFFEUR What's the charge? ELLEN How about felony bad idea? POLICEMAN Extortion will do for starters... You have the right to remain silent... AS THEY EXIT. ELLEN (TO HOMELESS MAN) I feel just horrible that I blamed you and your friends. HOMELESS MAN People do that all the time, we're used to it. It's when they try to lay the deficit on us that I get mad. ELLEN I'd like to do something really nice for you. How about if we have another reading? HOMELESS MAN How about if you just buy me breakfast? ELLEN You're on! DISSOLVE TO: ACT TWO TAG INT. SOUP KITCHEN - DAY PAIGE, ADAM, ELLEN, AUDREY AND JOE ARE ALL BEHIND A LONG TABLE SERVING FOOD TO A LINE OF HOMELESS PEOPLE. ELLEN IS IN THE MIDDLE AND THE DINERS ALL PASS ON WHAT SHE'S SERVING. ELLEN (TO ADAM, WHO'S SERVING SOUP FROM A LARGE KETTLE) How come they're all passing on the rumaki? I made all this especially for them and they seemed to like it the other night. ADAM That's because you didn't have Cheeze Whiz the other night. ELLEN (TO WOMAN IN FRONT OF HER) Here, try some of this... It's really good. THE WOMAN LOOKS AT WHAT SHE'S SERVING, SHAKES HER HEAD "NO" AND RUSHES TO WHAT AUDREY'S SERVING. JOE My mother always put gravy on stuff like that so we'd eat it before we knew any better. A MAN AND HIS DOG APPROACH ELLEN. MAN Can I have some of that? ELLEN (DELIGHTED) Sure! SHE SERVES HIM A BIG HELPING. HE TAKES A PIECE AND OFFERS IT TO HIS DOG, WHO SNIFFS IT AND PASSES AS WELL. ELLEN (CONT'D) (NEAR TEARS) I just tried to do something nice for them. ADAM TAKES A PIECE OF RUMAKI AND POPS IT IN HIS MOUTH, WITH A BIG SMILE. ADAM (AS BOGIE, TO ELLEN) Here's lookin' at you, kid. FADE OUT.