FALSE PRETENSES FADE IN: INT. AEROBICS STUDIO - DAY A slightly out of shape woman, mid-forties, conducting an energetic aerobics workout. This is RITA PARKER, whose brashness and attire make Fran Drescher look like the Virgin Mary. A boom box on the floor behind her provides the MUSIC. She's doing side bends. RITA To the right side...one and two and three and four. That's it, now left and two and three and four. She reaches over her head. RITA O.K. now reach for the sky...stretch one and two and three and four. That's it. We PULL BACK to reveal a couple dozen unenthusiastic SENIOR CITIZENS less than successfully reaching for the sky. RITA Now a few leg kicks, right leg, one and two and three and four. Lift those legs... A prosthetic leg flies high into the air and lands at Rita's feet. RITA I said right leg. She kicks it back to its owner. RITA O.K. that's it for today. Rita takes a towel and wipes her perspiring neck as she shuts off the boom box, picks it up and heads out. Her exit is blocked by an old woman in a wheelchair, whom she shoves across the room. RITA Out of my way, grandma. INT. CORRIDOR - DAY Rita strides up to a closed door and opens it, revealing two STAFF MEMBERS inside, in the throes of passion. RITA Physical therapy's over - you can take them back to their rooms now. The couple clamors to adjust themselves as Rita walks off. INT. NURSES STATION - DAY Rita comes up to the desk to sign out. There's an AIDE behind the counter. AIDE Rita, do you really think aerobics does any good? RITA Sure...it pays my rent. Speaking of paying rent, is my paycheck back there? The aide hands her an envelope, which she opens. RITA Son of a bitch...He shorted me 4 hours again this week. Where is that little weasel? AIDE He won't be in until Wednesday. RITA How does he expect me to pay my bills when he keeps shorting me? I should just have my checks pre-stamped with "insufficient funds". She stuffs the paycheck in her purse. RITA You can tell him that if he doesn't start paying me what he owes me, I'm going to have to cut way back on side bends. She storms off. EXT. NEW YORK SUBWAY ENTRANCE - DAY Rita descends into the subway. INT. SUBWAY CAR - DAY Rita spies an empty seat that's about to be taken by an OLD WOMAN with a cane. Rita lunges to get to the seat first and slides into it just before the old woman gets there. She smiles up at the old woman. RITA My feet are killing me. OLD WOMAN My whole body's killing me. RITA Then you should get some exercise. Standing up is good exercise for someone as old as you. OLD WOMAN (to herself) There's no civility in the world anymore. RITA Civility's not 'in' this year. The woman snarls as she looks for a strap to hold on to. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY Rita walks up the steps. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY As Rita stops at her mailbox, she encounters MRS. WATERS and her dog Hans, who are going out for a walk. Hans, one of those yappy, non-descript little barky things, starts yapping at the sight of Rita. RITA (sarcastically, to Hans) Well come here, you little darling. You come to my place for dinner...I have a nice hot dog bun just about your size. A little mustard, a little ketchup... MRS. WATERS You're scaring poor Hans. You should be locked up, you....you animal hater. Mrs. Waters snatches Hans up with much indignation and harumphs back into her apartment. RITA (calls after her) Yappy little good for nothing... (a beat) That goes for your dog too. She enters her apartment. INT. RITA'S APARTMENT Rita's apartment has that Salvation Army look to it. She plays the messages on her answering machine, puts a Gloria Estefan tape on and flips through her mail. WOMAN'S VOICE (on answering machine) Miss Parker, this is Carmen from Rico's Department store. One of your checks for $35.66 was returned for insufficient funds. Please come in with a cash payment as soon as... Rita skips to the next message. MAN'S VOICE (on machine) Hello, this is Guy from the Good Times Collection Agency.... Rita skips to the next message. RAY'S VOICE (on machine) My name is Ray Westfall and I'm looking for a Rita Parker... RITA You and half the world, bud. RAY'S VOICE The person I'm looking for was born in New York City around August of 1955. If you think you might be this person please contact me at the Regency Hotel, 555-6000 and ask for Room 2120. It's very important. Thank you for your time. RITA Probably trying to collect on the unpaid hospital bill from when I was born. They never give up. The next message plays. LANDLORD'S VOICE Rita, this is Jake and I've had more complaints about you playing your Gloria Estefan tapes too loud. I'm getting tired of this Rita. One more complaint and you're out. Rita turns the music up to ear-splitting levels. As she goes through the rest of her mail. The phone RINGS and she answers it. RITA (into phone) Hello? RAY WESTFALL (O.S.) Rita Parker? RITA Who is this? RAY (O.S.) This is Ray Westfall. I left a message.. RITA I can't hear you. Who is this? RAY (O.S.) Perhaps if you could turn the music down. RITA Just a minute. I'll turn the music down. She puts down the phone, turns the music down, leaves the room for a few beats and comes back with a beer. She picks up the phone again. RITA (continuing, into phone) Now, who is this? RAY (O.S.) Miss Parker, my name is Ray Westfall and I'm looking for a woman named Rita who was born in New York City around August of 1955. RITA What did she do? RAY (O.S.) Do you think you could be that person? RITA Why do you want to know? RAY (O.S.) I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to discuss that until I can make a positive identification. RITA Yeah? Well I'm not at liberty to tell you nothin'. She slams down the phone and cranks up Gloria Estefan. INT. RITA'S APARTMENT - LATER Rita and her friend CHARLENE are sitting on the sofa with their feet propped up, watching TV and eating pizza. Tears are streaming down their faces - it's a re-run of "An Affair To Remember". CHARLENE This movie is always so sad, but I just love Clark Gable and Susan Hayward. RITA Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr aren't too bad either. There is a KNOCK at the door. RITA Now I suppose he's going to tell me the TV's too loud. Charlene, will you answer it and tell him I'm not here? CHARLENE O.K. Charlene takes a tissue, blows her nose and answers the door to find a well-dressed man standing there. This is RAY WESTFALL. RAY Rita Parker? CHARLENE No, she's not here but I'll turn the TV down. RAY Do you know when to expect her? CHARLENE She moved to South America last week and probably won't be back. Rita's been peeking over Charlene's shoulder. RITA Who are you? RAY My name is Ray Westfall... RITA Oh, you again. Rita starts to close the door and Ray blocks it with his hand. RAY Miss Parker? RITA What do you want with me? RAY I'm just trying to find out... RITA I know, I know. Was I born in New York City in August of 1955. How old do you think I look? RAY Well, actually a little older than that, but... RITA Thanks a lot, Ray. You sure know how to butter a girl up. RAY Listen, I don't mean to keep pestering you, but you're the best lead I have and time is running out. RITA You mean I'm going to die? (she feels her forehead) You know I haven't been feeling well... How much time do I have, Ray? RAY No, it's not that. If I could just come in for a few minutes and ask you some questions. RITA Oh, why not. She opens the door wider, and he steps in. They walk over to the couch. RITA Want some pizza? RAY No thank you. RITA A beer? No, you don't look like the beer type. RAY Nothing really. If we could just talk. RITA I'm not tellin' you nothin' till you give me some details. RAY Well that makes it very difficult, but I can tell you that there could be a lot of money involved if you're the right person. RITA Well, why didn't you just say so? Yeah, I'm the right person. So how much do I get? CHARLENE I have an Aunt Rita. RITA Butt out, Charlene. (to Ray) How much? RAY I'm afraid it's not as simple as that. I have to verify your identity. RITA Did somebody die and leave me money? RAY Not exactly. What is your mother's first name? RITA What was my mother's first name. RAY Oh, I'm sorry. RITA That's o.k. She died happy, eating a chocolate eclair. I kept telling her to watch her cholesterol, but would she listen? Rita takes a huge bite of pizza. RITA (continuing, with mouth full) Her name was Mary. RAY Mary? RITA That's right. RAY I think you're exactly the person I'm looking for. RITA So what's behind door number one? RAY Pardon me? RITA How much do I get? RAY Do you have any baby pictures of yourself? RITA Nah, my mother said she lost 'em during one of our moves. We moved a lot when I was a kid. Ray produces an old black and white photo of an infant and shows it to Rita. RAY Does this look like your baby picture? RITA Could be, it's kinda dark...but yeah, it looks like me. RAY Rita, I have terrific news for you. RITA Yeah? RAY I've been hired by your father to find you and I must say, it hasn't been easy. RITA My father? RAY Yes, isn't it wonderful? You'll be re-united after all these years. Rita stands up. RITA Get out. Ray and Charlene stand, shocked. RAY No, you don't understand. He's been looking for you for a very long time. He's very ill and I'm afraid he doesn't have long to live. RITA I understand all right. That son of a bitch never married my mother and abandoned us before I was born. He couldn't even hold a job. I'm not going to ease his conscience just because he's old and dying. Now get out. She walks to the door and opens it. RAY I understand how you feel, but... RITA (she's seething) If somebody stabbed you in the gut, then reached in and pulled out all your intestines you might know how I feel. But short of that, no, you don't know how I feel . Get out. CHARLENE Now just a minute. She pulls on Rita's sweater. CHARLENE Rita, can I talk to you for a second? RITA What do you want? CHARLENE Over here. She pulls her aside. CHARLENE (continuing, whispering) Don't be a fool. He said there's money involved and if the old fart's dying anyway... RITA But I hate him. I've hated him all my life and I don't even know him. CHARLENE Well, this could be your big chance to tell him just how much you hate him. Think of the money, Rita. There could be a couple thousand, maybe more, he wants to give you. RITA (her mood brightens) Maybe you're right. I could use some cash. They rejoin Ray. RITA My friend has convinced me I might have been too hard on the bastard. Where is he? RAY California. RITA California? I sure as hell don't have the money to go to California. RAY No, no. Your expenses will be paid for. He just wants to see you before he expires. RITA Expires? He sounds like a quart of milk. What's his expiration date? RAY Soon. He's been ill for a long time and he's deteriorating rapidly. That's why we can't waste any time. RITA You never did say how much money is involved. RAY I couldn't tell you exactly, but I can assure you that if you prove to be his rightful heir, you won't be disappointed. You see he never married and has no other living relatives, so his entire estate would go to you. RITA Estate? You make it sound like a big deal. RAY It is. RITA It is? Charlene, did you hear that? I get the whole enchilada! And from what Ray here says, it sounds like it comes with rice and beans! RAY Now I can make arrangements to fly you out of here on the first flight tomorrow morning. RITA Tomorrow morning? That's too soon. I have laundry to do. RAY I told you he doesn't have much time left. Can you be ready by 7 a.m.? RITA I guess so. RAY Good. I'll have a car pick you up. You can bring a companion if you like. RITA I'm companionless. CHARLENE Me. What about me? I'm not busy this weekend. RITA Sure, you can be my companion. CHARLENE We could go to Disneyland. RITA Maybe I'll be discovered and get a part in a movie. Maybe I'll become a movie star! Maybe I'll get on the front page of the National Enquirer! INT. AIRPLANE - DAY Rita and Charlene are reclining in their first class seats and Ray is seated directly behind them. They are outfitted like typical tourists. Rita pulls one of those throw away cameras from her bag and stops the FLIGHT ATTENDANT who is passing by. RITA Would you mind taking a picture of us? FLIGHT ATTENDANT Not at all. The flight attendant takes the camera. RITA I want to show our friends that we flew first class to California. They pose for the photo. FLIGHT ATTENDANT (holding up camera) Smile She snaps the picture and hands the camera back to Rita. Ray observes what's going on and smiles. RITA Thanks a lot. FLIGHT ATTENDANT Can I get either of you anything? RITA I'll take a beer. CHARLENE Rita - it's 8 o'clock in the morning. RITA Oh, all right, I'll have some coffee. CHARLENE Me too. The flight attendant walks off. RITA It's bad enough that I have to meet my old man, but the thought of doing it sober is too much. CHARLENE You can have a drink before we land. Rita takes the informational cards and literature from the seat pocket and shoves them in her overnight bag. RITA Are you going to use that emergency evacuation card? CHARLENE I hope not. RITA (taking the card) These make great souvenirs. Rita stuffs it in her bag. RITA The way I figure it we can spend about ten minutes with the old geezer then split and go see the sights. CHARLENE You're nervous about meeting him aren't you? RITA I guess so. I have this image in my mind about what he looks like. It's kind of a cross between Paul Newman and Danny De Vito. CHARLENE What an odd combination. RITA When I was little and still thought he would come and find us, I always imagined him looking like Paul Newman. But the older I got and he never showed up, he started looking more and more like Danny De Vito. CHARLENE Is he the reason you never got married? RITA Yup. I wasn't about to give anyone else the opportunity to split on me. CHARLENE But that doesn't always happen. Rita looks incredulously at Charlene. RITA That, coming from someone whose last two husbands ran off with other women? CHARLENE On the other hand, you could be right. But what about the guys you dated? RITA As soon as they started to get serious, She snaps her fingers, signaling their disappearance. RITA They were history. None of 'em were that great anyway. CHARLENE What about that guy Roger? He had a good job and everything. RITA Charlene, he worked at a bowling alley. He couldn't understand why I didn't get excited about the monogrammed wrist support he gave me for my birthday. CHARLENE So? That's better than that other guy who watered dirt at construction sites. RITA It just made it easier when it came time to dump 'em. Rita looks out the window. RITA Don't you think it's time for that drink yet? EXT. AIRPORT LANDING STRIP - DAY We see the plane coming in for a landing. EXT. AIRPORT - CURB BY BAGGAGE CLAIM - DAY Ray and an elderly chauffeur, MR. APGAR are loading bags into the trunk of a stretch limo. Rita and Charlene watch from the curb. INT. LIMO - DAY Rita and Charlene are in the rear seat and Ray is seated across from them. RITA I guess the old guy's trying to show off by having me picked up in a limo. CHARLENE He probably spent the money he was going to leave you on our plane tickets and this car. RITA Wouldn't that be the pits. CHARLENE Oh, I don't know, I'm having the time of my life. RITA (whispers) Me too... (to Ray) Hey, we do have round trip tickets, I hope. RAY Yes, you do. RITA Good, because I sure as hell don't want to get stuck out here in some rat hole. EXT. BEVERLY HILLS STREET - DAY We see the limo turning into a long, winding driveway and pulling up in front of a huge mansion. INT. LIMO - DAY Charlene is filing Rita's nails and neither have been watching out the windows. RAY Well, Ladies, this is the rat hole. Both Rita and Charlene turn to look outside and see the mansion. RITA Holy shit...He just works here, right? RAY No, your father owns this place. RITA Oh, there's gotta be some mistake. J. Paul Getty could own this place, or the Queen of England, but not my father. Charlene kicks her. CHARLENE Of course he could, and does. The chauffeur opens their door. RAY Shall we go in? INT. MANSION - DAY The place is opulent - terrazzo floors, Steuben crystal chandeliers - the whole bit. Rita and Charlene walk around in awe of the splendor. RITA My God, I've never seen anything like this. CHARLENE You know what I like best? RITA What? CHARLENE You're his only heir. RITA Charlene, if this is a dream please don't wake me...ever. RAY Mr. Hunt would like to meet with you for a few moments before you meet your father. RITA Who's Mr. Hunt? RAY He's your father's attorney and the executor of his estate. Right this way. Ray leads them down a hallway and into an office. INT. OFFICE - DAY MR. HUNT, a distinguished gray haired man, is seated behind an immense desk. He stands as they enter. MR HUNT Miss Parker...I'm so happy to meet you. I'm Alex Hunt, Mr. Morley's attorney. RITA Mr. Morley? MR HUNT Yes, your father. RITA You know I keep forgetting I never knew his name. Hunt and Ray look at each other - puzzled. RITA My mother was so angry at him she'd never tell me his name. She said she was afraid I'd go off and try to find him. Or worse yet, that I would find him. MR HUNT Well, his name is Sidney Morley and he's one of the finest men I've ever met. RITA Yeah, right. MR HUNT I can understand your anger. Now, I'm sure Mr. Westfall has apprised you of the gravity of the situation. RITA What gravity? MR HUNT Your father is terminally ill and I must say, you have arrived just in time. His condition is deteriorating rapidly. Charlene looks confused. RITA (to Charlene) He's on the bus, the tires are bald and he's runnin' out of gas. CHARLENE Oh. MR HUNT As you can imagine, there is a tremendous amount of money at stake here and it's my responsibility to make sure you are indeed his daughter and rightful heir. RITA I understand. MR HUNT Then you wouldn't be opposed to taking a blood test to confirm his paternity? RITA No problem. MR HUNT Given the fact that Mr. Westfall is satisfied that you are the person we're seeking and since time is of the essence, I suggest you go meet your father now. Rita looks at Charlene as panic sets in. RITA Now? MR HUNT Yes, now. RITA Couldn't we go out for a hamburger first? Or a drink? CHARLENE Or Disneyland? MR HUNT I know you're nervous, but once you meet him you'll be fine. RITA Could Charlene and I be alone for just a minute? MR HUNT Certainly. He and Ray move to the door. MR HUNT I'll be right outside. They leave. RITA I'm not ready for this. I thought I was, but I'm not. I can't do it. I want to go home. CHARLENE Rita, get a hold of yourself. Look around you. The old buzzard kicks the can and all this is yours. RITA It's not that. I've been so angry at this man for so long and now I'm going to come face to face with him. I'm afraid I might just kill him. CHARLENE That would be a shame, if he's going to die anyway. You need to calm down, Rita. RITA O.K. You're right. I'm just nervous, that's all. They hug. CHARLENE It'll be O.K. They open the door to leave. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Mr. Hunt, Ray, Rita, Charlene and DR. KINSLING are assembled outside Mr. Morley's bedroom door. They speak in hushed tones. MR HUNT Rita, this is Dr. Kinsling, your father's physician. He said your father is resting but you can go in to see him. RITA I don't mind waiting. DR KINSLING Sadly, I don't think there's time for that. MR HUNT I'm going to go in with you Rita and stay just long enough to see that Mr. Morley is satisfied that you are his daughter. You may stay as long as you like. Your father said he'd like to put you and your friend up at the house here, but if you'd rather stay at a hotel, that can be arranged. RITA No, here will be fine, right Charlene? CHARLENE Sure, fine by me. MR HUNT Good. Then Charlene, Ray will have the butler show you to your room while Rita and I to have a little chat with Mr. Morley. RITA I guess this is it, huh? MR HUNT This is it. He knocks twice and opens the door. We follow them into a huge bedroom suite where SIDNEY MORLEY is propped up in bed with his eyes closed. After a few beats... RITA (tentatively) Papa? His eyes open. SIDNEY Rita? Is that you? Come over here where I can see you. Rita walks slowly to his side. She reaches out and gently touches his head. Tears run down her cheeks. RITA Oh Papa. SIDNEY Come here child. They hug and Rita starts sobbing. RITA You don't look at all like Danny De Vito. SIDNEY Who? RITA It's not important. SIDNEY Well, I think you look just like me. This couldn't be farther from the truth. RITA Do you really think so? Of course I have more hair. She reaches into her bag and pulls out her throw away camera. RITA Do you mind if I take your picture? She snaps it before he can respond. RITA I have so much to tell you. She takes more pictures. SIDNEY I'm sure you do. RITA (her mood changes) Hey, why did you skip out on us? SIDNEY That, my dear, was the biggest mistake of my life. Mr. Hunt clears his throat. MR HUNT I'm going to leave you two alone. I know you have a lot to talk about. As he leaves a small yappy dog runs into the room, jumps on the bed and starts barking at Rita. SIDNEY Toby, be quiet. This is Rita. I told you about her. (to Rita) Do you like dogs? RITA Oh yes, I just love dogs. Toby growls at her then lies next to Sidney. SIDNEY So where were we? RITA You were about to tell me why you split on us. She looks at the food tray next to his bed. RITA Are you going to eat the rest of that pie? SIDNEY Why no...I'll get you some of your own if you like. Rita whips the pie off the tray and starts munching away. RITA No, this is fine...So how come you split? She sits down on the bed and Toby climbs into her lap. SIDNEY You see I always loved your mother but in those days I was a good for nothing bum. I traveled around a lot, trying to find work. She sent me that picture of you after you were born and I wrote her back, telling her I wanted to see both of you, but the letter was returned. She had moved and left no forwarding address. Toby nuzzles Rita's hand and she starts petting him. SIDNEY All I knew was that your name was Rita and approximately when you were born. Over the years I tried to find her, especially when I got on my feet, but no luck. I never met anyone else like her and I never married. So you can see why it means so much to me to have you here. Rita brushes something off her lap and inspects the hair on Toby's back. RITA Excuse me, but I think this dog has termites. SIDNEY It's just flea dirt. The fleas are terrible this time of year. RITA Oh. She nudges Toby off her lap but he climbs back on. SIDNEY Do you have any children? RITA No. SIDNEY Just like your mother...when I first met her, that is. Rita gets up and starts taking snapshots around the room. RITA So you never married? SIDNEY No. RITA How did you get the money for all this? SIDNEY Real Estate. I just got lucky. RITA Boy, I'd say so. SIDNEY Ray told me your mother has passed away. RITA Yeah, that's right. SIDNEY I'm so sorry I'll never be able to see her again. But at least now I've found you. RITA Yeah, well, I'm sorry I never tried to find you, but I thought you were just a no good bum. SIDNEY I was, at one time. RITA You know I thought I'd be really mad at you - because of you leaving us and all... but I'm not. I can't believe I actually have a father. This is something I've wanted all my life. SIDNEY And I couldn't be happier. I have something I want to give you. Go look in that top dresser drawer over there. Rita goes to the dresser and opens the top drawer. SIDNEY There's a little blue box on the right hand side. Bring it here. She finds the box and takes it to him. He opens it and takes out a diamond heart necklace. SIDNEY I bought this for your mother years ago when I thought I might be able to find her. I want you to have it. RITA (taking necklace) It's just beautiful. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever given me. I don't know what to say. SIDNEY You don't need to say anything. I'm just so happy I could give it to you. RITA You don't look so good, do you feel all right? SIDNEY I'm all right. I've kept that picture of you and cherished it all these years, hoping I'd eventually find you and your mother. RITA It's a beautiful love story. Sidney rests his head back on the pillow. SIDNEY Your mother was the most beautiful black woman I ever met. His eyes close....He's dead. RITA Black? My mother wasn't black. She shakes his shoulder. No response. RITA Hey, come back here. She pulls him up by his pajama lapels, slaps his face and tries to revive him. RITA My mother wasn't black. She lies him back down and Toby crawls over and lies down with his head on Sidney's shoulder. Rita sits on the bed, depressed. RITA Maybe he meant blond...or blind. (a beat) But my mother wasn't blond or blind... She was nearsighted. Maybe he meant she was the most beautiful nearsighted woman he ever met. She looks at him lovingly and strokes his head. RITA I only had a father for a few minutes, but it sure felt good. I wish you had been my father. She takes a picture of him. Stands back, looks at him a moment then adjusts his lips into a smile and takes another picture. RITA Now I'm an orphan, you old fart. You're not my father and I'm just me, Rita Parker, forever broke. I could have had all this...but now it's gone. She starts sobbing. Mr. Hunt and Dr. Kinsling come in after hearing her sobs. They see Sidney is not especially life-like. Dr. Kinsling attends to Sidney, checking for signs of life as Mr. Hunt tries to comfort Rita. MR HUNT There, there my dear, at least you got to be with him in his final moments. I know how you feel. RITA You couldn't possibly know how I feel. He wasn't even...(sob). He wasn't even... (sob). MR HUNT He wasn't even what dear? Rita thinks a moment and something occurs to her. RITA (brighter) He wasn't even, uh, alive long enough for me to tell him how much he meant to me...Would you mind taking a picture of the two of us? She hands Mr. Hunt the camera. He's taken aback by the request. Rita props up Sidney, puts her arm around his shoulders and her face next to his. She looks at Sidney, reinforces his smile a bit and then poses for the camera. RITA O.K. Mr. Hunt snaps the picture and hands the camera back to Rita. RITA Do you want me to take one of the two of you? MR HUNT No, I don't think so. Dr. Kinsling takes a syringe from his bag and starts drawing blood from Sidney's arm. RITA Hey, what kind of a doctor is he? He needs to draw blood to make sure he's dead? I could tell him that. MR HUNT No, that's for the blood test...to confirm you're his rightful heir. RITA Oh, right. Say, did my father ever describe my mother to you? MR HUNT Only that she was the most beautiful woman he ever met. RITA He never showed you her picture? MR HUNT No, he said he didn't have any pictures, only that one of you that she sent him. RITA O.K., so now what? MR HUNT So now what? Well...I suppose his body will be cremated as those were his wishes, then we'll make arrangements for the funeral and start the process of executing his will. If you'll excuse me I have some phone calls I need to make. The doctor will be through shortly and you may stay with him as long as you like. RITA O.K. Mr. Hunt leaves. RITA Hey doc, you got anything in your bag for a headache? DR KINSLING I'm sure I do. Are you all right? You've been through a terrible shock. He hands her a couple of pills. DR KINSLING Here's something that will calm your nerves and get rid of that headache. RITA Thanks. DR KINSLING Let me get you a glass of water. He exits to the bathroom. Rita watches him leave then lifts the vial of Sidney's blood from his bag and shoves it in her pocket. He returns with a glass of water and hands it to her. DR KINSLING Here you are. RITA You're a peach. DR KINSLING I think you should go and get some rest, you've had quite a day. I'll need to draw some of your blood for the test, but that can do done later. Would you like to spend a few minutes alone with your father? She walks over to Sidney and looks at him. RITA Nah, my father's someplace else right now...like heaven. She pinches Sidney's cheek. RITA Thanks for everything, old man. INT. RITA'S BEDROOM SUITE - DAY Rita's sitting on the bed talking to Charlene. RITA So it comes to me...If I'm not his kid, then who's going to get all this? I'd hate to see it go to the State...they can't even fix potholes. So it dawns on me...who better to have it than me! CHARLENE Oh Rita, you're so clever. RITA It's not a matter of clever. It's a matter of being practical. I could use the dough and he doesn't need it anymore. Besides, I always wanted to be a self-made millionaire. CHARLENE What do you mean? RITA Today I made myself a millionaire! There is a KNOCK at the door. Rita answers it to find EDWARD, the elderly butler. When she opens the door, Toby runs in and lies on the bed. EDWARD Madam, Mr. Hunt suggested that your trip to Disneyland should perhaps wait until after the funeral. Charlene looks disappointed. RITA You know, I think you're right, uh... EDWARD Edward. RITA Yes, Edward. EDWARD Is there anything I can get for madam? RITA I don't think so. EDWARD There's a buzzer beside the phone. Just press it if you desire anything. RITA O.K. Thanks, Ed. She closes the door, goes to the bed and starts petting Toby. RITA (continuing, to Toby) You lost your old man too, huh little guy. You know, I could probably get used to you. Toby looks up at her. RITA You're not a snitch, are you? He licks her face. INT. DINING ROOM - DAY Rita and Charlene are seated at one end of a very long formal dining room table. Toby lies at her feet. Edward, the butler, is clearing dishes away. EDWARD I trust breakfast met with your satisfaction, madam. RITA It was stupendous, Edward. You're a good cook. EDWARD Oh I didn't prepare it madam. That was done by the cook. RITA The cook? EDWARD Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to meet the staff. RITA The staff? EDWARD Yes, the staff. I'll assemble them for your introduction. RITA That would be nice. He leaves. RITA You know, Charlene, I was so afraid I'd wake up this morning and find this was all a dream. But it isn't, and I even have a staff! CHARLENE I still can't believe it. You know if you pull this off, you're going to be really rich. RITA Shhh...keep your voice down. You can't tell anyone, ever. Swear? CHARLENE (raises right hand) Swear. RITA Besides, maybe I heard him wrong. Maybe he really was my father. CHARLENE Or maybe your mother really was black and you just didn't notice. Edward returns with four very elderly people. They are MRS. GARRISON the cook, MRS. APGAR the housekeeper, her husband MR. APGAR the chauffeur and MR. RODRIGUEZ the gardener. They line up in front of Rita. EDWARD Madam, I am pleased to introduce your staff. Mrs. Garrison is your cook and responsible for your 'stupendous' breakfast... Each steps forward as they are introduced. EDWARD Mrs. Apgar, your housekeeper and her husband Mr. Apgar, your chauffeur...And finally Mr. Rodriguez, your gardener. Rita stares at them a moment. RITA Suddenly I have this urge to teach aerobics. They look at one another, puzzled. EDWARD I'm afraid the staff has dwindled considerably in recent years since Mr. Morley gave up entertaining. We have all been with him a very long time. RITA I'll bet you have. EDWARD I realize it's too soon for you to make any decisions, but I wanted you to know we would all like to stay on if you so desire. RITA Yeah, well far be it from me to break up the party. The doorbell RINGS. EDWARD If you'll excuse me, madam, I'll see who's at the door. He leaves and the rest stay lined up in front of Rita, looking at her. RITA (to Charlene) So do you think you could stay at least another week? CHARLENE I have some vacation coming, I'll call my boss and ask. They stare at the staff, who stare back. RITA (to Staff) Is there something else you wanted to say? MRS GARRISON No ma'am. RITA (to Charlene) So...nice day we're having, isn't it? CHARLENE Yes, very nice. The staring continues. RITA I don't mean to be rude or anything, but why are you all still standing there? MRS GARRISON You haven't dismissed us, ma'am. RITA Oh. (a beat) Class dismissed. They leave and Edward returns with Mr. Hunt. EDWARD Madam, Mr. Hunt is here to see you. MR HUNT Rita, I have some very disturbing news. He sits down at the table. RITA You do? MR HUNT Yes, the blood sample from Mr. Morley is missing. Rita looks like a deer that's been caught in the headlights. RITA It is? MR HUNT Dr. Kinsling just called me and said when he went to get it to send to the lab, it was missing from his medical bag. RITA It was? MR HUNT Yes, and that bag has not been out of his possession since he took the sample. RITA Well, I wonder what he could have done with it. MR HUNT According to the doctor, he's certain he put it right in his bag. RITA Maybe it fell out. MR HUNT I have Edward searching Mr. Morley's room now. As soon as I heard what happened, I called the mortuary but unfortunately Mr. Morley has already been cremated. RITA Oh, what a shame. After a moment. MR HUNT Rita, before you get too comfortable here, it is my duty as executor to prove that you are, or are not, Mr. Morley's daughter. That blood sample would have been conclusive proof, but we may have a problem if it isn't found. RITA You saw the way he treated me like his daughter...he even thought we looked alike. MR HUNT His belief that you are his daughter was based solely on the findings of our investigation which, at best, were circumstantial. As far as your looking alike, the only obvious similarity is that you are of the same species. RITA Does that mean I have to leave now? MR HUNT Oh no, I didn't mean to imply anything of the sort. You're welcome to stay as long as it takes to get this straightened out. I will need to see a copy of your birth certificate... RITA I don't have it...it was lost a long time ago. MR HUNT That's not a problem, I've already ordered a copy. What I need you to do is try to remember anything your mother might have told you about your father, anything at all that might help me make a decision. RITA I'll try. MR HUNT You wouldn't know anything about the missing blood sample, would you? RITA Why, no. MR HUNT I thought not. Well, try to remember what you can. I've made arrangements for the funeral to take place tomorrow afternoon. Unless you have any objections, I'd like to give the eulogy as Sidney and I go back a long way. RITA That's fine. MR HUNT There will be many prominent people attending and I'm sure you didn't bring clothes for such an occasion. I'd like Edward to take the two of you shopping for appropriate attire. He will charge it to the household account naturally. RITA That's very nice of you. MR HUNT It's what Sidney would have wanted. INT. NEIMAN MARCUS - DAY Rita and Charlene are looking through racks of clothes while Edward looks on. RITA Jesus, do you believe the prices on this stuff? CHARLENE I could live for a month for what it takes to buy one sweater. RITA Listen, if this doesn't all work out and we don't spill on them, maybe we can return the outfits for cash. Edward is amused until Rita holds up a shocking pink dress. RITA Hey Ed, what do ya think of this one? EDWARD Perhaps something a little darker would be more appropriate. Rita looks at it, shrugs and puts it back on the rack. RITA Yeah, I guess you're right. EXT. NEIMAN MARCUS - DAY Edward is laden with packages as they get into the waiting limousine. INT. LIMO - DAY Rita and Charlene are in the back and Edward is seated in front with Mr. Apgar, the chauffeur. RITA You know Ed, I'm starved. Shopping always makes me hungry. Could we stop someplace for a bite to eat? EDWARD Certainly madam. EXT. MORTON'S - DAY Mr. Apgar opens the limo door and Rita and Charlene get out. EDWARD Just tell the Maitre 'D to put it on Mr. Morley's account. RITA Oh no, you have to come with us. You and poor Mr. Apgar must be starving. EDWARD No, we really couldn't. RITA I insist. Edward and Mr. Apgar look at each other somewhat startled. They're not used to this. EDWARD Well, all right then. INT. MORTON'S - DAY Rita, Charlene, Edward and Mr. Apgar are all seated at the table. Edward and Mr. Apgar look terribly uneasy. RITA (to Edward) So how long have you worked for my father? EDWARD I'm really the junior member of the team. I've only been with him seventeen years. Mr. Apgar here has been on staff some twenty-five years is it? MR APGAR Twenty-seven. RITA Wow, that's a long time. Charlene is looking at the menu. CHARLENE Would you look at these prices? RITA I know, you could eat for a month for the price of one sandwich. CHARLENE Well, at least for a week. I think California's a little too rich for my blood. RITA Charlene. CHARLENE Sorry, I didn't mean to mention blood. RITA (to Mr. Apgar) So Mr. Apgar, what can you tell me about my father? What types of things did he like to do? MR APGAR Your father was a great man. He was good at business, don't get me wrong, but what he loved more than anything was to go fishing. He told me his father was a commercial fisherman but he liked to just find a nice quiet lake and throw his line in. I think he liked the solitude more than anything else. EDWARD What about baseball? MR APGAR Oh gosh, baseball. He lived and breathed baseball. He told me he saw Babe Ruth break the home run record with 60 home runs in 1927. That must have really been somethin'. INT. CHURCH - DAY Sidney Morley's funeral is in progress. We see the "staff" seated together in the rear. Rita and Charlene are appropriately dressed and seated in the front pew. Toby, wearing a black armband, sits beside Rita. The church is overflowing with mourners. Mr. Hunt is concluding his eulogy. MR HUNT And so, in closing, I'd like to say that my good friend, Sidney Morley, will be deeply missed by us all. (he looks upward) Save room for me up there Sid. He gathers his notes and returns to his seat beside Rita. The MINISTER takes the podium. MINISTER Thank you Mr. Hunt for those heartfelt sentiments. He was surely a great man. (a beat) Is there anyone else who would like to share something about Mr. Morley with us? People look around to see if anyone's going to come forward. Then Rita slowly stands. RITA I would. MINISTER Please, come right up. Mr. Hunt is astonished as Rita ascends to the podium. RITA Most of you don't know me and probably most of you didn't know that Sidney had a daughter. The crowd murmurs. RITA I was only recently reunited with my father...he was such a dear little man. She picks up the urn of ashes by the podium, almost drops it and puts it back. RITA And we didn't have much time together... but what time we did have was beautiful. I have some pictures of the two of us... (she holds up photos) if anyone wants to see them afterward. Mr. Hunt covers his face in embarrassment. RITA Anyway, I remember my mother telling me how much my father loved fishing. Edward and Mr. Apgar smile knowingly at each other. RITA Even though his father was a commercial fisherman, he would rather just sit by a nice quiet lake and throw his line in. He probably just liked being alone. She also told me how much he loved baseball. She said he was always ready to tell the story of how he saw Babe Ruth break the homerun record in 1927 with 60 home runs. I'm sure you've all heard that story many times. She looks over at Charlene, who gives her a secret "thumbs up". Mr. Hunt is captivated. RITA Well, I don't want to take up any more time, but I just wanted you to know how much I'll miss the old fart. Everyone chuckles and Rita returns to her seat as the minister takes the podium. MINISTER Thank you, that was very...touching. EXT. CHURCH - DAY The crowd files out and offers their condolences to Rita. Mr. Hunt approaches. MR HUNT Rita, I'm afraid I have to apologize for having doubted your sincerity. I think you proved today that you truly are Sidney's daughter. I'll see that the Will is executed as rapidly as possible. RITA Why, thank you Mr. Hunt. He turns to leave and Rita and Charlene give each other a silent "high five". CHARLENE So what do we do now? RITA Let's go celebrate. CHARLENE Celebrate? Celebrate what? RITA Money! MONTAGE - Rita and Charlene are on a spending binge. We see them shopping, riding roller coasters, shopping, looking at the stars in the sidewalk on Hollywood Blvd., shopping, having facials and body wraps at a salon. They're having a ball and the money is flowing like water. EXT. SWIMMING POOL - DAY Rita and Charlene are lounging beside the pool having cocktails. They are decked out in swimsuits and sunglasses and Charlene is sporting a Mickey Mouse hat. CHARLENE I never would have guessed that spending money takes so much out of you. I'm not complaining, mind you. RITA Are you sure you have to go back to New York tomorrow? You've only been here two weeks. CHARLENE Some of us have to work for a living. Besides, I miss my family and it's time I go back to the real world. RITA But I don't know anyone here. I'll be lonely. CHARLENE Rita, it's hard for me to feel sorry for someone who's just inherited a mansion and several million dollars. RITA Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll get over it. CHARLENE Do you think you'll ever move back to New York? RITA Are you nuts? Look around you, girlfriend. Why would anyone want to give all this up? Edward approaches with a tray of drinks. RITA Oh hi Ed. Listen, Charlene has to go back to New York tomorrow. How about if we throw a little party for her tonight? EDWARD Why certainly madam. Whom would you like me to invite? RITA Well, I don't know. How about the neighbors? EDWARD I don't think so, madam. The people in this neighborhood generally don't socialize with one another. RITA Oh. Do you have any friends? EDWARD No, madam. CHARLENE I appreciate the thought, Rita, but I think I'll just go quietly. RITA O.K. Suit yourself. Are you sure you have to go? INT. FORMAL DINING ROOM - DAY Rita is seated alone at the huge dining room table. She's pushing the food around on her plate and she's bored to tears. Toby lies at her feet - equally bored. Edward enters. EDWARD You rang, madam? RITA Yeah Ed. I'm bored. EDWARD I'm sorry madam. RITA For the past three weeks I've done nothing but eat and watch television. I thought this would be a great life but I think I was wrong. EDWARD You're not contemplating going back to New York, are you? RITA God, no. But I think I need to get out and meet some people. You know what I mean? EDWARD Who would you like to meet? RITA Anyone, I don't care. EDWARD I feel I must warn you that it is very easy for someone to take advantage of a person in your position. You must be selective about the type of people with whom you associate. RITA Yeah, yeah. I catch your drift. I've been thinking I need to learn how to drive. When we go out in the limo I feel like I'm just a spectator to life. I want freedom...independence. EDWARD Yes, madam. Would you like me to ask Mr. Apgar to give you driving lessons? RITA Yeah. Can we do it today? EDWARD Certainly. In which car would you like to learn? RITA I have a choice? EDWARD Madam owns twelve cars...I would suggest the Bentley or one of the Rolls Royce's. You are less likely to damage yourself in one of them. RITA Good thinking. EXT. TROUSDALE STREET - DAY The Rolls Royce Silver Shadow haltingly makes its way down the residential street. It comes to a stop sign, signals right then turns left - narrowly missing an oncoming car. INT. ROLLS ROYCE -DAY Rita is behind the wheel and a nervous Mr. Apgar is in the passenger seat. RITA I think I've got the hang of this now. Let's try the expressway. MR APGAR (cringing) Freeway...but I'm not sure that's such a good idea. RITA Oh, Mr. Apgar, you worry too much. EXT. SUNSET BLVD - DAY The Rolls Royce zips in and out of traffic along the winding road approaching the freeway. The car races up the onramp and drives straight through the red metered light. INT. ROLLS ROYCE - DAY RITA Why would they put a stop light at the end of an onramp? She looks in her rearview mirror - flashing red lights. RITA Uh oh. EXT. FREEWAY - DAY The Rolls has been pulled over and the COP approaches. RITA (to Mr. Apgar) How do I get the window down? MR APGAR (pointing) Just push that button on the left. She pushes a button and the sunroof opens. The cop taps on her window, motioning for her to put it down. She gives up, stands on the seat and pops through the sunroof to talk to him. COP May I see your driver's license? RITA Driver's license...that could be a problem. EXT. STREET - DAY Mr. Apgar is driving - Rita in passenger seat. RITA He was such a nice man. Are all the cops here that nice? MR APGAR Begging madam's pardon, I think you were very lucky just getting a ticket. We really should get you a driving permit. RITA Let's see if I like it first. EXT. MANSION - DAY The Rolls pulls into the winding driveway of the mansion and stops. Rita gets out. RITA Well, that was fun. Maybe we'll do it again tomorrow. Mr. Apgar winces. EXT. FRONT GARDEN - DAY Rita wanders over to Mr. Rodriquez, the gardener, as he pulls out some fading plants to make room for new ones. RITA You're pulling out all the plants...Are you nuts? MR. RODRIGUEZ Mr. Morley always wants fresh plants. These are pooping. RITA They're only pooping because you're yanking. You yank, they poop. I can hear them crying out - they want to live! MR. RODRIGUEZ (holds plant to ear) Plants no cry, Missy Rita, but I'll leave them and plant around them if you like. RITA I like. Rita turns around to see an older model car pull into the driveway. It stops near them and a nicely dressed black woman in her forties emerges. This is Rita Cummings. RITA Can I help you? RITA CUMMINGS I hope so. My name is Rita Cummings and I've come to see Mr. Morley. Mr. Sidney Morley. Do you know where I can find him? RITA He doesn't live here anymore. Are you a bill collector? RITA CUMMINGS Oh, gracious no. RITA Then what do you want with him? RITA CUMMINGS I think he's my...father. RITA Your father? He can't be your father. He's my father. RITA CUMMINGS People have been known to have more than one child. RITA But my name's Rita too, and no one's going to name two children by the same name. Except maybe George Foreman. He named all his kids George but that's only because he was hit in the head a lot. Besides, my father is dead. RITA CUMMINGS (taken aback) Dead? Oh no...I'm so sorry. RITA Yeah, well so am I. So you can leave now. RITA CUMMINGS Can I just ask you a few questions? RITA No, I'm sorry, it's time to go in and tweeze my eyebrows. Rita starts to leave. RITA CUMMINGS This will only take a few minutes. I've come a very long way...from New York. You could be my sister! RITA Your sister? Elizabeth Taylor could be my sister, but not you. Look at you. You're skinny...and black. RITA CUMMINGS My mother was black...and skinny. She had a long affair with a Sidney Morley, who was white. RITA Was you mother's name Mary? RITA CUMMINGS Why yes, how did you know? RITA Just a lucky guess. Look, I don't have all day to stand around and chat. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. RITA CUMMINGS I understand. But could you just tell me...Did your father like fishing and baseball? RITA Hated them. He was into bowling and sky diving. Sorry...wrong guy. Now are you going to leave or do I have to call the police? RITA CUMMINGS Call the police? Aren't you over- reacting? She opens her car door to get in. RITA Are you going to get off my property or not? She gets back into her car and leaves as Rita stares after her. Edward appears at the front door. EDWARD Is everything all right ma'am? Rita turns around and walks past him into the house. RITA Everything's fine Ed. Just fine. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - DAY The Rolls, now quite battered and minus one fender from several mishaps, is attempting to parallel park across the street from Gucci's. It goes backwards and forwards, each time hitting the cars in back and front. Toby jumps from the back window to the front window to get a good view of each crunch. The car finally settles and we see it is parked in front of a fire hydrant. Rita gets out of the car and jaywalks across the street with Toby in tow and enters Gucci's. EXT. GUCCI'S - LATER Rita exits Gucci's carrying several large packages. Toby is right behind her. She looks across the street and sees OFFICER SEVILLE writing a ticket for her car. She hurriedly jaywalks through traffic to get to the car. RITA (yelling out) Hey, wait a minute. It's O.K., that's my car. The cop looks up from writing the ticket. OFFICER SEVILLE This is your car? RITA That's right. OFFICER SEVILLE So your name is Sidney Morley? RITA No, that's my father's name. I'm waiting to get my license before I get it re-registered. OFFICER SEVILLE You don't have a driver's license? RITA Not yet. OFFICER SEVILLE And I suppose you don't have a license for jaywalking. Or for parking in front of a fire hydrant. And I don't see any license on that dog, either. RITA What's that supposed to mean? OFFICER SEVILLE It means there's several outstanding tickets on this car that have gone to warrant. It also means that jaywalking is against the law. It also means you've been driving without a license, which is also against the law. And it appears your partner in crime here doesn't have a license either. Toby looks up at him soulfully, then hides behind Rita. RITA Are you finished? OFFICER SEVILLE No. One more thing. RITA What? OFFICER SEVILLE It also means that you're going with me down to the jail to spend a little time. RITA No, I'm sorry, I have plans for this afternoon. He takes out his handcuffs. OFFICER SEVILLE Your plans have just been cancelled. Rita drops her packages and starts running around the car. RITA Oh no, you're not taking me in. The cop chases her back and forth around the car. A crowd gathers. He reaches for his gun. OFFICER SEVILLE Stop NOW! RITA What? You're gonna shoot me because of a parking ticket? She reaches the driver's door, opens it and starts to get in as the cop catches up to her. He lifts her out of the car by her collar. INT. POLICE STATION - DAY Rita is being fingerprinted by a WOMAN COP. RITA This is really all one big mistake. And that search you did was way out of line. We're talking parking tickets here. WOMAN COP We're talking unpaid parking tickets, among other things. RITA I know my rights. I want a lawyer. WOMAN COP You'll get one as soon as we take your picture for our scrapbook. INT. POLICE STATION - LATER Rita has been outfitted in prison garb and is seated across a table from Mr. Hunt in an interrogation room. MR HUNT What were you thinking, Rita? You can't just go around getting tickets and throwing them away. RITA I'm finding that out. They act like it's such a big deal. MR HUNT And then you jaywalk right in front of the police officer. Not to mention resisting arrest. RITA So? I'm rich. Just bail me out. MR HUNT It's not that simple. Resisting arrest has earned you at least one night's stay in here. We'll have to wait and see what happens at your arraignment tomorrow morning. INT. COURTROOM - DAY Rita and Mr. Hunt are seated in the spectator section waiting to be called. MR HUNT Don't say a word unless the judge addresses you directly. Let me do all the talking. Understand? RITA Yes. The BAILIFF comes forward to announce the next case. BAILIFF The court calls Rita M. Parker. Mr. Hunt stands. MR HUNT Here, your honor. He motions for Rita to step forward with him. JUDGE BETTY RICHMOND looks over the complaint. JUDGE RICHMOND It appears Miss Parker has been busy using her parking tickets for scratch paper. (looks through more papers) Oh, and here's one for jaywalking. (more papers) Oh, and resisting arrest. This is getting interesting. MR HUNT I can explain, your honor. JUDGE RICHMOND Please do. MR HUNT You see, Miss Parker has just recently arrived here. JUDGE RICHMOND From another planet? MR HUNT No, your honor, New York. JUDGE RICHMOND Another planet...Miss Parker, in this city our officers aren't just practicing when they write tickets. MR HUNT She realizes that now, your honor. She's very sorry and is happy to pay whatever fine you see fit to give her...She's a respectable member of the community, judge and I can assure you this won't happen again. JUDGE RICHMOND That's very nice, counselor, but I would like to hear it from her. Mr. Hunt whispers to Rita. RITA I'm sorry judge. It won't happen again. JUDGE RICHMOND Very well, 40 hours community service. (raps gavel) Next case. RITA Forty hours? You're nuts! Mr. Hunt nudges her. JUDGE RICHMOND O.K. 500 hours. RITA You're insane. Mr. Hunt pulls her arm. JUDGE RICHMOND One thousand hours. Rita is dumbstruck. JUDGE RICHMOND One thousand hours going once, (a beat) going twice...sold to the lady with the big mouth. RITA (under her breath) Bitch. JUDGE RICHMOND And one more night in jail...anything else? Mr. Hunt is pleading with Rita to stop. MR HUNT You can't win this one Rita. RITA (to judge) At this rate I'll be the first person to be sentenced to life in prison for jaywalking. INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT Rita is in a cell with a streetwise JENNIFER. JENNIFER So what'd you do, honey, knock off your old man? Drugs? RITA Bigger than that. JENNIFER Yeah? RITA Illegal crossing. JENNIFER At the border? RITA In front of Gucci's. JENNIFER You got jail time for jaywalking? RITA My attorney said I was lucky. JENNIFER Honey, you need a new attorney. EXT. FREEWAY - DAY We see a group of "weekend convicts" in hard hats & orange vests, assembled along the freeway. Rita is among them and has customized her vest with a silk scarf and diamond pin. This shiftless group consists of six MEN, Rita and OFFICER PETERSON. Among the men are RICHARD, an ordinary looking guy in his early fifties and DWAYNE, a muscle-bound stud. Officer Peterson is handing out sticks with nails in the end, for picking up trash. OFFICER PETERSON These are your refuse retrieval implements. When you see a piece of trash you stab it and put it in the bag. Easy as that. RITA (pulling at vest) Pardon me, officer, but I never wear orange. OFFICER PETERSON You do if you don't want to become a lot shorter and a lot flatter. Any other questions? RITA Where do we go to the bathroom? OFFICER PETERSON Lady, this ain't a company picnic. All the portable toilets were out, so you just make do. RITA What does that mean 'you make do'? OFFICER PETERSON (becoming impatient) It means you make do. Now I'll be back in about two hours. I want you all to head North and get every scrap of trash along the way. I want those bags full (MORE) OFFICER PETERSON (CON'T) and stacked nice and neat by the time I get back. Oh, and by the way, if you find any bodies or body parts in the bushes, don't bag 'em. Just tie an orange bag to 'em so we can locate 'em. Rita looks horrified as Officer Peterson climbs into his truck and leaves. EXT. FREEWAY - LATER Rita is hot and haggard looking. She tries to stab a piece of paper but every time she tries, it blows away. Everyone else's bags are full but hers is deflated. An 18-wheeler rolls past and nearly blows her off her feet. RITA (calling after truck) Hey, there's a speed limit here! Richard walks up to her with his full orange bag and SHOUTS above the traffic noise. RICHARD So...do you come here often? RITA (snaps back) Get a life, buddy. RICHARD Hey, I'm just trying to be friendly. RITA You must not be from around here. RICHARD Actually, I'm not. I usually work the 605 Freeway. RITA Very funny. RICHARD So what do you do? RITA What do you mean "What do I do?" RICHARD For a living, besides cleaning freeways. RITA I, uh, teach aerobics...to old people... in New York. RICHARD Is there much call for that? RITA I have what you might call a captive audience. RICHARD In New York? RITA It's a long commute...So what do you do? RICHARD Me? I'm into computers. RITA Oh, one of those smart guys. RICHARD I'm not so sure I'm that smart. RITA And humble. Me, I never had much use for computers. They just make life more complicated. I think it's complicated enough without them. Listen, I'll give you ten bucks if you trade bags with me. RICHARD No way. If you don't show up with full bags they just add on more time. RITA That's just great. I've been yelled at, spit at, aimed at, blown over and humiliated and I can't even get a frigging bag full of trash. A car whizzes by and the passenger throws out a large bag of trash, which hits Rita in the back of the head. RITA (continuing, yells after car) Hey, thanks! She scrambles to pick up the trash. Richard goes after some. RITA That's my trash. RICHARD I was just tryin' to help ya. A big guy named Dwayne walks over. DWAYNE This guy botherin' you? RITA No, he's trying to help. Want to sell me your trash? DWAYNE How much? RITA Ten bucks. DWAYNE Ha. Ten bucks'll get you a beer can. A hundred and the bag's yours. RITA Fifty. DWAYNE Seventy-five. RITA You're on. She reaches for his bag and he pulls it back. DWAYNE Where's the money? She looks in her fanny pack, pulls out a wallet and opens it. RITA Listen, I'm a little short of cash. I don't suppose you take credit cards. He stares at her. RITA No, I guess you don't. DWAYNE How 'bout that pin, is it real? RITA Do you think I'd wear fake diamonds on an outfit like this? DWAYNE Forget it, I know rhinestones when I see 'em. He walks away as she shoves her wallet back in her fanny pack. RITA Hey, I've got an idea. She pulls her cell phone out of the fanny pack. EXT. FREEWAY - LATER A limousine with an "Andy Gump" portable toilet in tow on a trailer behind the limo is parked on the shoulder. Edward is handing out bags of trash to Rita and the guys as Toby runs around with a little orange vest on. EDWARD I collected as much trash as I could. RITA You did great, Ed. He reaches into the limo and pulls out a large cooler. EDWARD I thought you might be a bit thirsty. Would anyone care for a beer? I'm afraid I didn't bring any chilled glasses. They crowd around Edward who's passing out beers and snacks. He's the man of the hour. We see Richard step into the Andy Gump and close the door. He has trouble with the door sticking. Rita takes a granola bar from Edward, unwraps it and drops the paper on the ground. CLOSE ON wrapper on the ground and instantly six sticks stab it to pick it up. RITA Listen Ed, I appreciate all this, but I think the warden's coming back soon. Maybe you'd better leave. DWAYNE Little late for that. Get back to work boys. A sheriff's car pulls up behind the limo and Officer Peterson steps out and surveys the situation. OFFICER PETERSON Having a little party are we? EXT. BEVERLY HILLS STREET - DAY The limo drives down the road with the Andy Gump in tow. INT. LIMO - DAY RITA You saved the day, Ed. The only thing that kept that cop from going berserk was when he saw all the trash we had collected - thanks to you. EDWARD It was my pleasure, madam. RITA All in all, it was a kinda fun day. EDWARD You have been secluded too long. EXT. LONG SHOT OF LIMO PULLING ANDY GUMP. The portable toilet is rocking and rolling behind the limo. INT. ANDY GUMP - DAY Richard is banging on the door, trying to get out. RICHARD Hey, let me out of here! Help!! Can anybody hear me? He's tossed about inside the portable toilet as the limo starts and stops and turns. EXT. BEVERLY HILLS STREET - ANDY GUMP ROCKING It's bumping and teetering along behind the limo. RICHARD'S VOICE HELP!!! EXT. BEVERLY HILLS STREET - DAY The limo pulls into Rita's driveway and stops in front of the mansion. Rita and Ed get out of the car and start for the front door. We HEAR muffled sounds coming from the Andy Gump. RITA Do you hear something? They look behind them and follow the muffled sounds to the Andy Gump, which is still rocking. EDWARD What on earth? He opens the door to the Andy Gump and Richard falls out onto the ground. Rita and Edward are shocked as a disheveled and dazed Richard looks around. RITA (to Richard) Hey, were you following me? RICHARD Are you nuts? Where the hell am I? He looks at the mansion. RICHARD What is this place? RITA Home. RICHARD You live here? RITA You don't think I belong in a place like this? RICHARD I didn't say that. RITA You're a mess. Richard looks down and tries to brush himself off. RITA ...and you don't smell too good either. RICHARD Considering my accommodations for the past half hour, I'm not surprised. Toby is sniffing Richard and starts to lift his leg. RICHARD Hey! He pushes Toby away. RITA Why don't we hose you down, then Edward can take you back to the freeway. RICHARD How kind of you. I'll just find my own way home, thank you. He starts to leave. RITA You won't get very far around here. You'll be picked up for vagrancy. Richard calls back over his shoulder as he heads down the driveway. RICHARD I'll take my chances. RITA No, wait! She catches up to him. RITA Really, it's o.k. You can get cleaned up here. They stop walking. RICHARD I don't care to be hosed down - like some dog. RITA No you can come in - and take a shower. RICHARD Oh, come in? But what would your charming neighbors think? Seeing a vagrant go into your tidy little Martha Stewart mansion? RITA I don't give a crap about what they think, I was more worried about my drains. EXT. BACKYARD - DAY Rita is relaxing in the jacuzzi with a rubber duck floating by. Toby, wearing sunglasses, floats on a little raft as Edward brings Rita a beer on a tray. EDWARD (handing her a beer) Here you are madam. Your friend is still in the shower and his clothes are being laundered. They should be ready for him shortly. RITA He's not my friend, Ed. EDWARD Yes, madam. Your fellow convict is still in the shower. RITA You know Ed, I've been thinkin'. I lived my whole life in New York & never even had a parking ticket. EDWARD You didn't drive. RITA That's true. But I come out here and in less than a month I'm thrown in jail, I have to do endless hours of Community Service and I have split ends...This never would have happened in the Bronx. EDWARD I'd say you got off to a rocky start. RITA I'm not sure this life is all it's cracked up to be. Richard emerges from the house wearing a very small, ill-fitting butler's uniform. RICHARD My clothes seem to have disappeared and I found these in their place. EDWARD Yours are being laundered, sir. Would you care for a cocktail or something to eat? RITA He won't be here long enough to eat, but he can have a drink. RICHARD How kind of you. (to Edward) I'll have a beer, thanks. EDWARD Very well, Sir. Edward leaves. RICHARD You look relaxed. RITA I always take a jacuzzi after a hard day on the freeway. RICHARD Doesn't everybody? She smiles. RITA You can dangle your feet in if you want - now that they're clean. Richard takes a seat on the side of the jacuzzi. RICHARD Were you born rude, or did you take lessons? RITA I just say what I think. RICHARD No argument there. Rita takes a little umbrella out of her beer and starts twirling it. RITA Don't you just love these little umbrellas? RICHARD I've never seen one in a beer before. RITA It makes me feel rich. RICHARD You are rich. RITA See? So what about you? What'd you do to get freeway patrol? RICHARD I punched somebody out...They had it coming. RITA The judge must not have agreed with you. RICHARD So how many hours of trash pick up did you get? RITA Oh, I won big time. I only have nine hundred ninety-four more hours to go and I'll be a free woman. RICHARD Jeez, are they giving Community Service for murder now? RITA It's a long story, but the judge thought I had a big mouth and we got into a pissing contest. I gave in just short of getting the gas chamber. RICHARD So what's your husband think of you spending all your free time on a chain gang? RITA I don't have a husband...And I'm not looking for a commitment. RICHARD Whoa...who said anything about commitment? I just want to get my clothes back so I can get out of here. RITA I'm sorry. I'm just a little suspicious of people. I guess that's why I don't have any friends. What about you? RICHARD Oh, I have friends. RITA No, I mean are you married? RICHARD Divorced. RITA Do you mind if I call you Dan? RICHARD But my name's Richard. RITA You look more like a Dan, but I guess Richard's o.k. Does anyone ever call you Dick? RICHARD Yeah, the guy I punched out. RICHARD So what's your name? RITA Rita. RICHARD Now you look like a Rita. RITA What's that supposed to mean? RICHARD You sure are touchy. Rita's a good name. RITA I like it. RICHARD I thought you told me you taught aerobics to old people in New York. RITA I do...Well I did, until a couple of months ago. RICHARD What made you decide to give all that up for this? RITA My father tracked me down, then he died. So here I am. RICHARD Did he die of natural causes? RITA What's that supposed to mean? RICHARD There you go again - touchy, touchy. Richard has picked up an hors d'oeuvre from beside the jacuzzi and is teasing Toby with it - holding it just out of his reach as he floats on his little raft. RITA I wish you wouldn't do that. RICHARD What? One little piece won't hurt him. RITA No. I mean don't tease him. It's not funny. If you tease him it shatters his sense of trust. Being able to trust is important. RICHARD (giving treat to Toby) Far be if from me to shatter his sense of trust. Here, have another. (gives him another treat) So, what have you done with your newfound wealth? RITA Well, I've gone shopping a lot - it really is fun when you're not on a budget. So much to buy and so little time...And I've had facials and manicures and pedicures - see? Her toes pop out of the water for his inspection. RICHARD Looks like all the little piggies went to the salon. RITA Then of course I've watched a lot of T.V. RICHARD Sounds pretty self-indulgent. RITA I haven't been rich long enough to be self-indulgent. I've been poor all my life, so I have a lot to make up for. RICHARD Tell me something. What are you passionate about? RITA Well, let's see - I guess I'd have to say chocolate eclairs. RICHARD Chocolate eclairs? That's it? That's your passion? RITA Well, Mr. Smart guy, what's your passion? RICHARD That's easy. My passion is waking up early enough to see the dew on the flowers first thing in the morning. My passion is hearing the sound of baby birds waiting for their mother to return with their breakfast. My passion is watching the sun set across the Pacific and turn the clouds from puffy white to glorious shades of red and orange. She stares at him for a moment in disbelief. Then, RITA Well, to each his own. Edward arrives with Richard's clothes folded neatly with his wallet and keys on top. EDWARD Here are your garments, Sir. He hands him the clothes. RICHARD Thanks very much. I really appreciate it. Richard stands, holding his clothes. RICHARD Well, I guess I'll go put these on and be on my way. Rita takes Toby off the raft and starts cuddling him...trying to appear indifferent. RITA Whatever. After Richard leaves, to Edward. RITA Thanks a lot Ed. We just hit on the subject of passion. EDWARD I'm terribly sorry, madam. But if I may offer a bit of advice? RITA So offer. EDWARD I hope you don't fall for the first guy you meet on the side of the freeway. RITA I'm not falling for him - but he does have possibilities. EDWARD A man like him is interested in only one thing from someone such as yourself. RITA How can you say that? Besides, if we're two consenting adults... EDWARD No, I meant he is only interested in your money. RITA Well thanks a lot. You don't even know him. All you know about him is that he looks terrible in a butler's outfit. Have my car brought around front. I'm driving him home. EDWARD Whatever you say, madam. INT. BEDROOM - DAY Richard is putting his clothes on. He looks in his wallet and sees the money is still there. As he puts his wallet away, he notices a diamond broach on the dresser. He picks it up, examines it and after a moment puts it back. RICHARD (to himself) Must be nice. AERIAL P.O.V. - FREEWAY - DAY We see the Rolls speed past the freeway meter light. She's learned nothing. The car zips across four lanes of traffic, completely oblivious to other cars, and settles in the fast lane at 55 mph. A menacing black sports utility vehicle zooms up behind the Rolls and rides its bumper. INT. CAR - DAY Richard turns in his seat and looks out the back window at the tailgater, then turns back to Rita. RICHARD That guy behind you must be in quite a hurry. Rita looks in her rearview mirror, seeing the other car for the first time. RITA (defensively) I'm going 55 - that's the speed limit. RICHARD But you're in the fast lane...in California. RITA You're telling me different lanes have different speed limits? RICHARD It's an unwritten law. RITA So what's the speed limit for this lane? RICHARD Oh about 75 unless it's rush hour. Then it drops to 5. The black car swerves around and rides abreast of her. The driver flips her off then accelerates and leaves her in the dust. RICHARD That's the Official 'Welcome to California' freeway greeting. RITA Maybe I should move over a couple of lanes. RICHARD Good idea. AERIAL P.O.V. The Rolls shifts three lanes to the right, again oblivious to other cars which are squealing and swerving to miss it. INT. CAR - DAY RICHARD Have you been driving long? RITA Oh, about a month, pretty good, huh? Don't forget to tell me where to turn off. RICHARD You know, the sun will be setting in about twenty minutes. I know a great place we can go to watch it. RITA Watch it what? RICHARD Set. RITA It goes up...It goes down...No big deal. RICHARD Take the next turnoff and head west. EXT. BEACH - SUNSET The most magnificent sunset imaginable. The sky is ablaze in shades of red, orange and yellow highlighting huge, puffy clouds. Rita and Richard sit on some rocks overlooking the beach and the splendor beyond. As the CAMERA comes in close we see Richard is captivated by the sight as Rita babbles on. RITA So my friend Charlene says to me she thinks I look better in the red dress. But of course I told her I never wear red because it detracts from the color in my cheeks. Richard turns to her and gently puts a finger up to her mouth to silence her. RITA I'm talking too much, aren't I. Richard smiles and turns back to the ocean. Rita is silent for a beat, then RITA They really should do something about these rocks. There should be chairs or something out here. RICHARD Shhh. Just listen to the ocean and breathe deeply. Let all your senses come alive. Smell the salt air and feel the breeze in your hair. Rita closes her eyes and takes in an exaggerated deep breath and lets it out. After a moment, she opens her eyes. RITA Well that was fun. Can we go now? Richard stands up abruptly. RICHARD You must have come from the shallow end of the gene pool. RITA What, because I don't go into some Zen-like trance at the sight of a sunset? I've seen sunsets...I have postcards. RICHARD (sarcastically) I know, what's the big deal...it goes up... it goes down. He stomps back to the car with Rita following. RITA Now you've got it! EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT We see the Rolls trying to park in a space, but after several attempts, it still doesn't quite get the angle right. Richard opens the passenger door and exits. As he holds the door open, RICHARD Hey, thanks for the ride. He starts to close the door. RITA That's it? Thanks for the ride? RICHARD That's it. RITA Fine. RICHARD Fine. He closes the door and unlocks and enters a pickup parked a couple spaces down. ANGLE ON Rita as she sits in the Rolls, staring after him. She looks like she lost her last friend, which she has. She watches as the pickup backs out and takes off out of the parking lot. RITA (sadly, to herself) And I thought I had a friend. Rita is consumed with self-pity for a moment before it dawns on her she has no idea where she is. RITA Hey, wait a minute. Where the hell am I? How am I gonna get home? EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT The Rolls lurches backwards, hitting a car or two and takes off after Richard's truck. EXT. STREET - NIGHT Rita maneuvers frantically through traffic to catch up. He's two cars ahead of her and he stops at a red light. She clamors out of her car and rushes up to his truck, leaving her door open. Before she reaches his truck the light turns green and his pickup takes off. She starts back to her car and we hear a SCREECHING of brakes and a CRASH. She looks down to find the driver's door of her car at her feet. A foreign speaking woman comes out screaming at her in some unknown language, but she gets the drift. Her response, RITA Look what you did to my car. (to herself) Some people shouldn't be allowed on the road. She jumps back into her now doorless car and takes off. More in and out of traffic. A nun, a woman pushing a stroller, a blind man and a boy scout step into a crosswalk. She blasts her horn, things go flying and she presses on - narrowly missing all of them. She's lost sight of him. Panic sets in as she looks down side streets and continues to weave in and out of traffic. Finally, a big truck makes a right turn, revealing Richard's truck in front. Rita pulls alongside Richard and BLASTS her horn. He looks over, gives her a little smile and a wave, then turns back to the road. She waves back and smiles until she realizes he isn't going to pull over. She motions for him to pull over but he isn't watching. Finally, she takes the bull by the horns and rams her car into his front fender, forcing him into the curb. This gets his attention. They both get out of their vehicles. RICHARD Are you out of your mind? Look what you did to my truck. RITA Don't worry, I'll pay for it. RICHARD Damn right you will. What's this all about? Rita shrinks back at the tone of his voice. RITA I'm lost. RICHARD What? RITA Lost. You know, as in don't know where the hell I am? RICHARD I suppose it never crossed your mind to stop and ask for directions. RITA I did...I'm asking you. RICHARD You're crazy. RITA You're the one who brought me to this place and dumped me. RICHARD So that's it. Poor little rich girl gets dumped and she's mad because she doesn't get her way. RITA How dare you talk to me that way? RICHARD How dare you wreck my truck? RITA It was an accident. RICHARD Accident? You ran me off the road. RITA I just meant to get your attention. RICHARD You got it. A beat. RITA I'm sorry. RICHARD What? I couldn't hear you. RITA I said I'm sorry. Now just tell me how to get out of here. Richard sees the doorless Rolls for the first time. RICHARD What happened to your door? RITA It fell off. RICHARD I only left you ten minutes ago and you had it then. RITA It was a long ten minutes. Are you going to tell me how to get home or not? RICHARD You're going to have to give me a lift - you broke my axle. RITA I just tapped your fender. You're the one who ran it into the curb. RICHARD Let's not start that again. Richard opens the passenger door of her car. RICHARD Where are your keys? She holds them up and he takes them from her. RICHARD Get in. I've had enough of your driving for one day. She starts to get in then hesitates and turns to him. RITA Do you think we could try that sunset thing one more time? RICHARD It goes up...it goes down, remember? And in case you haven't noticed, it's down. RITA Maybe another time? RICHARD Get in the car. Richard goes around and slides into the driver's seat and starts the engine. RICHARD Why's this red light flashing on the dashboard? RITA I think it's the one that tells you when your door's missing. He takes off down the street. RICHARD This reminds me of the job I had when I was in college. RITA Were you a chauffeur? RICHARD UPS driver. They laugh. RICHARD Tell me, is your life always this complicated? RITA Do you mean my new life or my old life? In my old life I was always worried about making ends meet. In my new life, I don't have to worry about that any more, so it's pretty boring. RICHARD How can you say life is boring? Especially someone like you, who has the time and the resources to do whatever they want? RITA Do you want to go to a movie? RICHARD What I want is to get you home and get a rental car. I do have a life you know, and it doesn't include you. RITA Now who's being rude? RICHARD I'm sorry. This just hasn't been a very good day and I still have to go into the office to pick up some work. RITA Let's drop by your office before you take me home. RICHARD You don't mind? It's not far from here. That's where I was headed when you slammed into me. RITA Now don't start. EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT Richard opens the front door with a key and Rita follows him in. INT. OFFICE - NIGHT Richard has a well-appointed office equipped with several computers. RITA So this is where you spend your time. RICHARD When I'm not working freeways. Have you ever used a computer? RITA No. He pulls out the chair in front of one. RICHARD Here. Sit down - you can mess with this one while I get my stuff together. Rita sits. RITA I wouldn't know where to start. Richard stands behind her, his arms reaching around her, to type on the keyboard. RICHARD I'll put you on the internet. That's always fun. RITA I've heard about "chat rooms". Is it true you can talk to people from all over the world? RICHARD Yeah, but they're mostly populated by oversexed teenage boys. He types a few more things into the computer. RICHARD Pick a topic you're interested in. RITA "Oversexed teenage boys" is good. RICHARD For a moment I forgot how shallow you are. RITA What about "sunsets"? RICHARD I thought you already knew all there was to know about sunsets. Rita turns her head around towards him as he types. He stops typing. Their faces almost touch. RITA I'm sure there's a lot more you could teach me...about sunsets. They stare at each other for a beat then Richard lowers his lips to hers and they tenderly, then passionately kiss. After a few moments, Richard pulls back. RICHARD I'm sorry. That's not why I brought you here. RITA It was my idea, remember? I didn't know computers were this much fun. Richard crosses to his desk and nervously shuffles through papers. RICHARD I'll just get my things together and take you home. RITA I'm not in any hurry. RICHARD It's getting late and I still have to make arrangements for a rental car. RITA You can borrow one of my cars. RICHARD You have an extra? RITA Sure. RICHARD Does it have all its doors? INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Rita is on the bed, playing with Toby as Edward delivers a drink. EDWARD Here's your hot chocolate, madam. RITA I think he likes me, Ed. EDWARD I wouldn't be surprised. RITA You would be if you had been with us today. Edward goes to her closet. EDWARD Has madam decided what she will wear to the chain gang tomorrow? I'll lay it out for you. RITA I don't know. Just pick something. As long as it goes with orange. EDWARD Very well, madam. By the way, did you happen to notice that the Rolls seems to be missing a door? RITA Why no, I wonder when that could have happened. (a beat) Have you ever watched a sunset? I mean really watched one? EDWARD What do you mean? RITA You know. How you're supposed to breathe in deeply and listen to the ocean and feel the breeze in your hair? Edward feels the thinning hair on top of his head. EDWARD Not as you describe, madam. RITA You should try it sometime. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY Large room with lots of people, mostly men, waiting for their names to be called by a CLERK, sitting behind a desk. The clerk finishes dealing with a man and calls out, CLERK Rita Parker. Rita is seated in the crowd. She comes forward. CLERK Rita Parker? RITA That's me. CLERK (looking at paperwork) My, my. You have been a naughty girl. Looks like you'll be with us for quite some time. They've given you graffiti detail today. RITA I don't do graffiti. CLERK I'm glad to hear that. But you will clean it up. Now here's your paperwork to give to the officer. (hands her paperwork) Just go out front and get in van number 7. EXT. STREET - LATER - DAY Van #7 is parked in front of a large graffiti laden warehouse in a run down section of town. Rita is once again the only woman in a group of eight men assembled in front of OFFICER DENNIS. They have been given rollers, brushes and large buckets of paint. OFFICER DENNIS O.K. You know the drill. I want every inch of graffiti covered up...and don't paint over the windows. I'll be back in exactly four hours. It better be pretty. The group reluctantly mills about, preparing to paint as Officer Dennis drives off. RITA Hold everything boys. I've got a much better idea. She pulls her cell phone from the fanny pack. EXT. STREET - LATER The limo is parked in front of the warehouse with a large truck from "Andy's Expert Painting" parked behind it. The camera PULLS BACK to reveal a small army of professional painters who have almost finished painting the entire building. Meanwhile, Rita and the boys engage in a friendly game of craps. Toby, wearing a painter's hat, runs about excitedly. Edward, with one hand behind his back, approaches Rita who is about to throw the dice. EDWARD If I might interrupt for a moment. RITA What is it Ed? EDWARD The officer will be back shortly and I'm afraid you don't have any paint on you at all. He will suspect something. RITA So? EDWARD So I thought I might help. With that, Edward whips out a paint brush and starts splattering paint on Rita. She stands in astonishment as the others get into the act. GUY #1 Here, let me help. He grabs a paint roller and decorates Rita's head with it. Before long a full fledged paint fight has erupted and everyone has at least one coat on them. The warehouse looks as good as new. INT. MANSION - DAY Rita, Edward and Toby come through the front door - all covered with paint. RITA I haven't had that much fun in a long time. Why didn't you tell me you knew how to shoot craps, Ed? Mrs. Apgar comes running up to them. MRS APGAR Ma'am, Mr. Hunt is waiting to see you. Mr. Hunt enters from behind Mrs. Apgar. MR HUNT Been out painting the town, have we? RITA Very funny. This community service gig is hard work. What can I do for you? Edward scoops up Toby and leaves. MR HUNT I have some serious business to discuss, but it can wait until you get cleaned up. RITA That could take weeks. What is it? Rita starts peeling paint from her face. MR HUNT I had a visit today from a Rita Cummings. Rita stops peeling. RITA Who? MR HUNT Rita Cummings. A very nice woman who claims to be Sidney's daughter. She told me you two had met. RITA Oh, her. She also claimed to be my sister. Now, come on...Just a flake, forget her. MR HUNT I'm afraid it's not as simple as that. As executor of Mr. Morley's estate it is my duty to investigate any claim and, quite frankly, she was very persuasive. RITA Persuasive? She's a con artist. I can spot them a mile away. I grew up in New York and it's full of 'em. By the way, did she still have that nervous tick when you saw her? Rita demonstrates hunchback imitation with nervous tick. MR HUNT No, but she grew up in New York as well. RITA Maybe you didn't notice, but she's black. Did my father ever say anything about my mother being black? MR HUNT No...but Mr. Morley was colorblind when it came to race, so it wouldn't surprise me that he didn't mention it. In any case, I have Ray Westfall investigating her story and he has an appointment to interview her mother on Monday. RITA Her mother? She's alive? MR HUNT Very much so...and living in New York. Hopefully that will shed some light on the veracity of her claim...I thought you'd want to know. Rita is in shock. RITA Right. Sure I want to know. But I'm not worried about it. She's just a phony. You'll see. MR HUNT I hope I haven't upset you too much. RITA No, I'm fine. Look, I need to get cleaned up. MR HUNT I'll be on my way. He opens the door. MR HUNT I'll let you know what we find out. RITA Fine. He leaves and Rita closes the door, leans against it and slides down to the floor. RITA Shit. After a few beats, Edward walks through the room and notices Rita sitting on the floor. EDWARD Is everything all right madam? RITA I'm just practicing for my new life as a doorstop. INT. RITA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Edward brings in a tray of food. Rita is lying in bed, depressed. Toby lies beside her, also depressed. EDWARD I brought you a snack. He notices the tray he brought in at dinner hasn't been touched. EDWARD You haven't eaten anything all day. Rita is sulking. RITA In case you haven't noticed, I could go a lot longer than a day without eating. If there's ever a famine, I'll be the last to die. EDWARD I don't mean to pry madam, but it's obvious something is terribly wrong. Is it that fellow, Richard? RITA No, it's not him. I wish it was him, then I could just dump him. But this is a problem that can't be dumped. EDWARD Didn't you say he was into computers? RITA Yes. EDWARD I don't know much about them, but I understand computers are marvelous for solving problems. RITA Not this kind. EDWARD They can put you in touch with resources all over the world. Maybe someone in cyberspace has an answer for you. RITA You mean like a computer shrink?...I don't think so. She thinks a moment. RITA But you know, Ed, you may have just given me an idea. She reaches for the phone and dials. EDWARD Glad I could help, madam. He leaves. RITA (into phone) Richard? It's Rita. I need to see you right away. (a beat) No, not here. I'll meet you at your office. (a beat) I know it's late. But this is important. EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT Richard is waiting for her as Rita's car, a Mercedes convertible, pulls into the deserted parking lot. It comes to a stop and he opens her door. RICHARD Hi. RITA (getting out) Hi. RICHARD You look awful. RITA It's nice to see you too. RICHARD I'm sorry. What's wrong? They walk towards the front of the building. RITA It's a long story and I can't tell you everything, but I need you to show me how to put out a message on one of those chalk boards. RICHARD You mean "bulletin boards". RITA That's it. INT. RICHARD'S OFFICE - NIGHT Richard is sitting before the computer and Rita stands beside him. RICHARD O.K., we're on the net. So what bulletin board do you want to post on? RITA I want to reach as many women as possible who would be interested in being a lost heir to a lot of money. RICHARD That's sure to get a big response. Let's see... He types some characters. RICHARD There, that ought to do it...You're on. He stands up and Rita sits in front of the computer. RITA Mind if I do this in private? RICHARD Not at all. When you're finished, just hit this key (points to key) and your message will launch into cyberspace. I'll be just outside. He leaves and Rita stares at the blank screen a moment. Then slowly begins to type her message. INSERT - RITA'S MESSAGE BEING TYPED SEEKING ANY WOMAN WITH FIRST NAME OF RITA, BORN AUGUST 1955 IN NEW YORK CITY. POSSIBLE HEIR TO LARGE FORTUNE - MUCH $$$$! CONTACT MR HUNT AT 310-555-2732. HURRY! TIME IS RUNNING OUT! Rita finishes typing and hits the key to send her message. RITA (to herself, smiling) There. That should bring in the competition. She shuts off the computer and goes to outer office where Richard is waiting. RICHARD All done? RITA Yup. And I feel much better now. She gives him a big hug. RITA Thanks for helping me. They gaze at each other and ease into a long kiss. After a few beats, it's Rita who pulls away. RITA I'm starving. Mind if we get something to eat? He pulls her back to him and they kiss again. After a moment, RICHARD I'm sure I have some food at my place. Another kiss. RITA Suddenly, I'm not hungry. INT. RICHARD'S BEDROOM - DAY Rita is in bed with her eyes closed and the covers pulled up to her chin. Her eyes open and she looks around the room. She looks under the covers then quickly puts them back under her chin. RITA (to herself) What have I done? She hears Richard whistling in the other room. She sits up and reaches for a robe, but she hears him approaching. She lies back down as he enters, wearing only boxer shorts. RICHARD Good morning, gorgeous. I'm out of coffee, so I brought you some juice and toast. RITA Juice would be good. He sets the tray on the nightstand and hands her the glass. RITA Are you always this cheerful in the morning? He lies next to her on top of the covers. RICHARD I, uh, have to apologize about last night. RITA Apologize? RICHARD I'm afraid I'm a little out of practice and couldn't quite keep up with you. RITA You didn't hear me complaining, did you? Besides, its no big deal...just like a sunset. RICHARD What? She motions with her index finger. RITA It goes up, it goes down... He grabs her and they playfully tussle. RICHARD You're rotten, you know that? RITA That's not what you said last night. He looks serious for a moment then kisses her passionately. RICHARD I hate to break the news to you, but I think I'm beginning to actually like you. She pulls away from him. RITA Don't get serious on me. You don't even know who I am. I don't even know who I am. RICHARD What are you talking about? RITA Let's just say that I'm not who you think I am and I could be back teaching aerobics real soon. RICHARD Oh, I get it. You think I'm after you for your money. He's ticked off. He gets out of bed and starts getting dressed. RICHARD Just when you show some promise and act human, you start playing games with me... Well let me tell you something - I don't play games. RITA This isn't a game. I'm serious. I'm about to lose everything...the mansion...the money... everything. RICHARD Are you in some kind of financial trouble? RITA No it's not that. I can't tell you about it but I do have a plan. That's what you helped me with last night on the computer. If it works, I'll be fine. If it doesn't, I'm out on the street. RICHARD High stakes. RITA I can't think about it. Feel like going to a movie? RICHARD It's eight o'clock in the morning and I have to go to work. She's disappointed. RITA Oh. RICHARD I'll tell you what. I'll play hooky today and we'll go have some fun. Deal? RITA Deal! MONTAGE of Rita and Richard driving up the coast in her convertible. Picnicking at the beach. Playing in the water. Visiting an amusement park. They're having the time of their lives. INT. OFFICE BUILDING HALLWAY - DAY Mr. Hunt, with briefcase in hand, opens the large door to his office suite. On the door is a sign that reads, "Hunt, Schneider and Green, Attorneys At Law". INT. RECEPTION AREA OF HUNT'S OFFICE - DAY Mr. Hunt enters the office. All hell has broken loose. The phones are ringing non-stop and people are running about. A harried RECEPTIONIST spots Mr. Hunt. RECEPTIONIST Oh, Mr. Hunt. I'm so glad you're here. The phones have been ringing off the hook with calls from women named Rita claiming to be heirs to a large fortune. She hands him a large stack of messages. RECEPTIONIST They're coming in from all over the world. Her phone RINGS and she picks up the receiver. MR HUNT What's this all about? EXT. RITA'S MANSION - NIGHT Rita and Richard stand at the front door. RITA I can't remember the last time I had this much fun. Thanks for a terrific day...you really took my mind off my problems. RICHARD I'm glad. I had a great day - not to mention last night. RITA Sure you can't come in? RICHARD I'm sure. I have to go to work in the morning. I'll call you tomorrow. They kiss and she enters the house. INT. FOYER - NIGHT Rita enters the front door and is met by an excited Edward, Mrs. Apgar and Toby. EDWARD Madam! I'm so glad you're all right. We were worried about you. MRS APGAR We didn't know what happened to you! You didn't call. RITA I didn't know the number. Now calm down everybody. She picks up Toby, who is very happy to see her. RITA I'm fine. MRS APGAR But you're so late. RITA I have a note...it's o.k. EDWARD Mr. Hunt has been calling all afternoon. He said he needs to talk to you and wants you to call him at home as soon as you get in. RITA I'll call him in the morning. I don't want to ruin a perfect day. Ed, would you run me a bath? EDWARD Certainly, madam. INT. DINING ROOM - DAY Rita is seated at the long dining room table having breakfast as Edward enters carrying a portable phone. EDWARD Mr. Hunt is on the phone, madam. Rita puts down her fork and says nothing. EDWARD (holding out phone) Madam? The phone? RITA How does he sound? Edward covers the mouthpiece. EDWARD He sounds like Mr. Hunt. She takes the receiver from him. INTERCUT SHOTS of Mr Hunt and Rita talking on the phone. RITA (into phone) Hello? MR HUNT (into phone) Rita. I've been trying to reach you. Did you know that there is a woman in Zimbabwe named Rita who was born in New York City in August of 1955? RITA No, there is? MR HUNT Yes, and another one in Peru...and another in Liechtenstein...and several from Australia...need I go on? I don't know what's happening, but I've been flooded by calls from women claiming to be Sidney's daughter. RITA How odd. MR HUNT That's putting it mildly. This has thrown a monkey wrench into everything. There's no way I have the time to interview all these women. There must be thousands of them. I'm going to have to consider Sidney's will executed and the matter closed. This is good news for you, Rita. It means I won't be reopening the matter of paternity. RITA Really? I'm happy to hear that. MR HUNT I'm sure you are. How are you getting along? RITA Oh I'm fine...now. Thanks, Mr. Hunt. Thanks a lot. She hangs up the phone. She looks down at Toby, who's been watching her. RITA We won, Toby, we won! How about a piece of bacon to celebrate? She takes a piece of bacon from her plate and feeds it to Toby. RITA I can't wait to tell Richard! INT. KITCHEN - DAY Mrs. Garrison is polishing the silver as Rita talks to Edward. RITA Richard's coming over for dinner to celebrate at about 8 o'clock. I want this to be a really special dinner Ed. Let's break out some champagne...Do we have any champagne? EDWARD Yes, madam, in the wine cellar. RITA We have a wine cellar? EDWARD Yes madam. MRS GARRISON Do you have something in mind for me to make for dinner? RITA No, just something special - and no liver. MRS GARRISON Yes madam. No liver. INT. FOYER - NIGHT No one is in sight. The doorbell RINGS. Edward enters and heads towards the front door. RITA (O.S.) I'll get it. EDWARD As you wish. He makes a U-turn and exits. After a beat, the doorbell RINGS again. Rita enters from her bedroom. She looks smashing. She opens the front door to reveal Richard, holding a rather anemic bouquet of flowers - fresh from the grocery store. RICHARD Wow. You look terrific. RITA You look pretty good too. They kiss. RICHARD (handing her flowers) Here, these are for you. RITA They're beautiful... (a beat) Come in, dinner will be ready shortly. RICHARD So what's the celebration for? You sounded pretty excited on the phone. RITA I'll tell you all about it at dinner. Toby comes running in and Richard scoops him up. RICHARD How ya doin', little guy? Toby licks all over his face. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Rita and Richard are finishing a sumptuous candlelight dinner. All the silver and fine china are out. Richard's pathetic bouquet of flowers has been placed in a small vase overshadowed by a magnificent floral arrangement behind it. Richard places his knife and fork in the middle of his plate, indicating he's finished, as Rita munches on. RITA (indicating his plate) Are you going to finish that potato? RICHARD I can't, but dinner was delicious. Rita stabs the potato and puts it on her plate. RICHARD Did you have a hand in fixing this? RITA Me? No. I can't cook. RICHARD What did you do before you were rich? RITA I helped put the pizza kid through college. RICHARD So, back to your story... RITA Right. Well, this woman shows up at the house one day claiming to be Sidney's daughter. RICHARD Was she? RITA Well yes, probably. But she couldn't prove it, so I gave her the brush off. But then she shows up at Mr. Hunt's office. RICHARD Who's Mr. Hunt? RITA He's the executioner. RICHARD Executioner? RITA Yeah, you know, of my father's will. RICHARD Executor. RITA Whatever. Anyway, he's going to investigate her claim, which means I could lose everything. So I came up with this idea to advertise on the Internet for a lost heir and just as I suspected, Mr. Hunt got flooded with calls from women claiming to be Sidney's daughter. Well, he didn't know what to do. He said it would be impossible to investigate all of them, so he said he considered the case closed and I get to keep everything. Now is that cause to celebrate or what? Richard stares at her for a moment, saying nothing. Then, RICHARD Let me get this straight. You knew this woman was Sidney's real daughter when you turned her away... RITA That's right. And let me tell you, I was pretty nervous about it. RICHARD Then when she made a claim to what was rightfully hers to this Mr. Hunt, you put out this phony message on the Internet so he would be inundated with claims. RITA Pretty clever, huh? RICHARD Clever? It's blatantly dishonest. RITA What? You expected me to just hand all this over to her? RICHARD It isn't yours. RITA It is too. I won it fair and square. Richard stands up - he's furious. RICHARD This is not about a contest. You didn't win anything. This is not your house...it doesn't belong to you. And what's worse... you used me to help you. RITA Used you? RICHARD That's right. You used me to help you pull off your little scheme. RITA What are you getting so uptight about? I get to keep the house...and the money. RICHARD Yes you do. And you also have the moral conscience of that potato. RITA I thought you'd be happy. RICHARD Happy? What, to find out you're no better than a common thief? It's not the money or this house I was starting to care about - it was you. But you've turned out to be just one big disappointment. Rita stands. She sees this whole thing going down the toilet, but doesn't know what to do about it. RITA Look, this isn't my fault. They got my hopes up and it's just not fair. I can't give it all back. RICHARD You don't have to. But you do have to live with yourself. Let me ask you something... Haven't you ever done anything just because it's the right thing to do? RITA (thoughtfully) Well, I don't think so. Is this some kind of a test? RICHARD No, it's not a test. RITA I don't get it. RICHARD That's the sad thing...I don't think you'll ever get it. He tosses his napkin on the table and storms out, leaving a bewildered Rita behind. She sits back down at the table as Edward enters. EDWARD Is everything all right madam? RITA You know, you sure ask some pretty stupid questions. Just get out... He starts to leave. RITA And take these pathetic flowers with you. She picks up the vase of Richard's flowers and throws them at Edward. They crash to the floor. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Rita is lying in bed moping, as is Toby. She's stroking his head as she talks to him. RITA I guess I really don't get it. How could he expect me to give all this up without a fight? Just because it isn't mine... Toby looks up at her soulfully. RITA He's ruined everything. She fingers a robe that's been laid on the bed next to her. RITA He didn't even get to try on the robe I got him. She scrunches up the robe and throws it across the room. RITA Well, screw him. Somebody else will fit in that stinking robe just fine. She starts to cry. MONTAGE of Rita, very alone, walking through a park; window shopping without a shred of enthusiasm; a guy tries to be friendly and she ignores him; sitting on the side of the pool with Toby, both looking equally depressed. EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY Rita sits in her car which is parked at the far end of the parking lot of Richard's office building. People are leaving work and getting in their cars. It's 5 o'clock. She sees Richard exit the building and she follows him with her eyes as he gets in his truck and leaves the parking lot. EXT. BEACH - SUNSET We see Rita, from behind, sitting in the same spot she and Richard sat when he took her to the beach. The breeze is blowing her hair as she sits very still, contemplating the ocean and the sunset. We PAN in a circle around to the front of her to reveal tears running down her face. RITA (softly, to herself) Damn him. INT. RICHARD'S OFFICE - DAY Richard is seated in front of his computer when the phone next to it RINGS. He answers it, still typing away. RICHARD (into phone) Richard here. (a beat, he stops typing) Well hello...how have you been? He sits back in his chair, surprised to hear Rita on the phone. INT. RITA'S BEDROOM - DAY Rita is lying in bed, on the phone. INTERCUT shots of Rita and Richard. RITA (into phone) I got to thinking about what you said about doing something just because it's the right thing to do. RICHARD And? RITA And I have something I have to show you. RICHARD Show me? RITA Yes. RICHARD What is it? RITA Can you be at my place, Saturday morning at 10 o'clock? RICHARD I guess so. RITA Good. I'll see you then. And don't be late! They hang up. Richard looks puzzled. EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY Rita stands at the end of her driveway near the street with two suitcases and Toby by her side. She looks at her watch. It's 10 o'clock. Richard's truck pulls into the driveway and stops. He rolls down his window. RITA I need a place to stay. RICHARD What? RITA I need a place to stay. Richard gets out of the truck. RICHARD You didn't... RITA I did... Richard looks up the driveway to the mansion. RICHARD'S P.O.V. The mansion has been "gift wrapped" with a giant red ribbon tied around it and a huge red bow on the roof. RICHARD I don't believe it. RITA Believe it, 'cause in another twenty minutes Sidney's real daughter is going to be here and I'll be out on the street. RICHARD Fat chance of that. You're going home with me. RITA I hoped you'd say that. He grabs her and gives her a passionate kiss. Then, RICHARD I'm proud of you Rita. RITA I am too...it wasn't easy. They kiss again. EXT. DRIVEWAY - LATER Rita, Richard and Toby are in Richard's truck. Her suitcases are in the back and they're saying goodbye to Rita Cummings, the new owner of the mansion. RITA CUMMINGS I still can't believe this is happening. RITA You'll get used to it. Just take good care of Ed and the rest of the staff... They're kind of old...but they're good people. Oh, I almost forgot... She reaches in her purse and pulls out a heart-shaped necklace and hands it to Rita Cummings. RITA Your father gave this to me when he thought I was you. He bought it for your mother, so maybe you'd like to give it to her. RITA CUMMINGS I certainly will. She takes the necklace and kisses Rita on the cheek. Edward has approached from behind. RITA CUMMINGS Thank you again for everything. She leaves to go back into the mansion as Edward steps up to the truck. EDWARD I know we've already said our good-byes, but I wanted to give you something. RITA Oh, Ed, you shouldn't have. He hands her a piece of paper. RITA (puzzled) What is it? EDWARD It's your phone number. Or rather my phone number...If you ever need anything. She reaches out the window, he leans down and she gives him a big kiss on the cheek. EDWARD'S P.O.V. The truck slowly pulls out of the driveway and we HEAR a playful Toby barking. RITA'S VOICE So long, house. FADE OUT THE END