MURPHY BROWN "Nobody's Fool" by Bev Conover ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. NEWSROOM BULLPEN FRANK IS READING THE PAPER AND CORKEY IS FILING HER NAILS. SFX - ELEVATOR DINGS MILES ENTERS MILES Hey everybody, I've scored a coup! Wait til Murphy hears this. CORKEY (WITHOUT LOOKING UP) Let me guess. You got the Shirelles back together and they're going to perform at the Company picnic. MILES Better than that. FRANK You got the Big Bopper back together and he's going to perform at the Company picnic. MILES I got Murphy a secretary. A real honest to goodness secretary. The kind that types and everything. And do you know who's secretary I got her? Think big. CORKEY The Secretary of State? MILES Dan Rather's secretary. FRANK/CORKEY Wow! MILES Murphy's gonna owe me for this one. FRANK How did you manage to get Dan Rather's secretary? MILES I just yanked a few strings. FRANK Come on. Not even the George Bush yanks Rather's strings, although I'm sure he'd like to. MILES Well, actually, it was blackmail. I was desperate. Murphy said if I didn't get her a decent secretary she would start doing a series of Zsa Zsa Gabor interviews. FRANK But that still doesn't explain how you got Rather's secretary. MILES I told you, blackmail. I used some inside info and had her begging to drop Rather and switch to Murphy. CORKEY That must have been one juicy bit of gossip. MILES Believe me it was, but we've got her now. CORKEY Was she and Rather having a little affair? FRANK Are you serious? The man's married to himself and has no intentions of being unfaithful. SFX ELEVATOR DINGS CHARLOTTE GOODMAN STEPS OUT. SHE'S A WOMAN IN HER SIXTIES, OVERLY MADE-UP WITH BOUFFANT HAIRDO AND A DRESS WITH PUFFED SLEEVES. SHE'S LOADED DOWN WITH SEVERAL PLASTIC SHOPPING BAGS. CORKEY That must be the secretary the temporary agency sent over. You got Murphy a real secretary just in time Miles, she would have quit over this one. MILES Why do I have the sinking feeling this is the one I got her? CHARLOTTE CROSSES TO THEM CHARLOTTE Anybody here know where I can find somebody named Murphy Brown? MILES Murphy's not here yet. But I'm Miles Silverberg, Executive Producer of FYI. CHARLOTTE You're kidding. MILES No, Murphy's often late. CHARLOTTE You're an Executive Producer? My God, I've got a boss in training pants. MILES You must be Charlotte Goodman. Might I remind you, Charlotte, of the matter about which we spoke on the phone? CHARLOTTE Listen, Sonny, I agreed to come over here to work but I'm not gonna put up with any crap. Now, do we have a deal or not? MILES Don't call me Sonny. CHARLOTTE Deal. MILES Deal. THEY SHAKE HANDS CHARLOTTE Now where can I find this fellow Murphy? MILES Murphy isn't a fellow. He's a she. CHARLOTTE Sex change? MILES No, Murphy is a woman. CHARLOTTE Now who would name a little girl Murphy? FRANK It's Irish slang for potato...No "e" CHARLOTTE I suppose that explains it. CORKEY You haven't heard of Murphy Brown? CHARLOTTE I probably have, but I don't pay much attention to the competition. Now where's my office? MILES Murphy's office is over there and that's your desk right outside. CHARLOTTE Desk? That's all I have is a desk? MILES Uh, yes, a desk....But we have walls on order. CHARLOTTE STARTS CROSSING TO DESK IN A HUFF, AS JIM ENTERS. CHARLOTTE SEES HIM AND STOPS DEAD IN HER TRACKS. CHARLOTTE Say, aren't you Jim Dial? JIM Why, yes I am. EXTENDS HER HAND. CHARLOTTE Charlotte Goodman. I've heard a lot of talk about you. JIM All good I hope. CHARLOTTE No...But I saw that piece you did about 10 years ago over in Iran when they released the hostages and I've always wanted to ask you about it. JIM Well, I'm flattered that you remember it so well. What did you want to ask? CHARLOTTE When you first got to speak to the hostages, how on earth did you ever come up with the question, "Are you glad you're free?" JIM Well, perhaps it wasn't the most evocative question, but it was on my mind. CHARLOTTE I see. Can you tell me where I can get some coffee? JIM POINTS TO THE COFFEE MACHINE. SHE CROSSES TO HER DESK, DUMPS HER BAGS AND CROSSES FOR COFFEE. JIM LOOKS AT THE OTHERS WHO ARE LISTENING TO THIS. HE STARTS TO TURN TO LEAVE, CHANGES HIS MIND AND CROSSES TO THEM. JIM Will someone please tell me why that woman is here and when she is going to leave? One blunder in an otherwise untarnished career and she brings it up. CORKEY That's Murphy's new secretary. Miles brought her in. JIM (TO MILES) Just when I thought you had some promise, you pull a stunt like this. Not funny, Miles. JIM STARTS TO EXIT AS THE ELEVATOR OPENS AND MURPHY STEPS OUT. SHE ENCOUNTERS JIM AS HE IS LEAVING. JIM Good morning Murphy. I must warn you, today may be the day you fall off the wagon. MURPHY LOOKS PUZZLED AS JIM EXITS. MILES, FRANK AND CORKEY SEE HER AND THEY SCATTER. MURPHY CROSSES TO HER OFFICE, GOES IN AND AFTER A MOMENT REAPPEARS AT THE DOORWAY. MURPHY Can anybody tell me why there's milk and cookies on my desk? FRANK HIDES BEHIND HIS PAPER. MURPHY (CONT'D) I hate milk and cookies first thing in the morning. CHARLOTTE CROSSES TO MURPHY. CHARLOTTE It's no longer first thing in the morning. You're late. MURPHY This is some kind of a joke, right? A little spoof on all the loonies the agency has sent over? O.K., let's hear it. CHARLOTTE Hear what? MURPHY Isn't this where you break into song with the singing telegram? MURPHY TURNS TO THE CREW. MURPHY (CONT'D) You guys, this is great, but what's the event? It's not my birthday. MILES CROSSES TO THEM. MILES Uh, Murphy, this is your new secretary. MURPHY Right Miles. And I suppose that plant over there has been booked for my next interview. CHARLOTTE I've heard about some of your interviews and the plant might be an improvement. MURPHY Now just a minute. MILES Okay, now let's just... FRANK (TO JIM) I love a good cat fight. MURPHY You stay out of this, Miles. (TO CHARLOTTE) I don't know who you are, but I do have one question. CHARLOTTE What's that? MURPHY Who does your make-up, Sherwin Williams? CHARLOTTE You could use a little. Those crow's feet look like a map of New York City, complete with subways. MURPHY While we're on the subject of appearance, isn't that the dress Dorothy wore in the Wizzard of Oz? And that perfume you're wearing. Talk about toilet water. CHARLOTTE Listen, I don't have to take this. MURPHY You don't have to take this? CHARLOTTE Well, there is one more thing. I wasn't going to mention this, but you have a piece of kibble stuck to your front tooth. CHARLOTTE CROSSES TO MURPHY'S OFFICE, GOES INSIDE AND SLAMS THE DOOR. MURPHY I don't believe this. MURPHY STARTS FOR HER OFFICE AND MILES HOLDS HER BACK. MURPHY Miles, if you plan on ever having children, you will let me go. HE LETS GO OF HER. MURPHY (CONT'D) Thank you. SHE CROSSES TO HER OFFICE AND ENTERS. THE CREW GATHERS OUTSIDE THE DOOR. CHARLOTTE (O.S.) You! MURPHY (O.S.) What do you mean you. This is my office. Get out. CHARLOTTE (O.S.) Make me. MURPHY (O.S.) I must warn you, I know aerobics. CHARLOTTE (O.S.) Oh yeah? Watch this. WE HEAR A LOUD CRASH. MURPHY (O.S.) Hey be careful. No, no, not my Emmy. CHARLOTTE (O.S.) You couldn't possibly have earned it! WE HEAR A CRASH THEN SILENCE, A BEAT AND THEN UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER. THE DOOR TO MURPHY'S OFFICE OPENS AND MURPHY AND CHARLOTTE APPEAR IN THE DOORWAY, ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER. BOTH LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE GONE 15 ROUNDS. MURPHY I haven't had that much fun in a long time. (TO CHARLOTTE) Who are you, really? CHARLOTTE I really was going to be your secretary. MURPHY You're kidding. CHARLOTTE Miles failed to mention physical abuse in the job description. MURPHY Well, I'm Murphy - welcome aboard. CHARLOTTE I'm Charlotte. Thanks, I think. SHE TURNS TO MILES. CHARLOTTE (CONT'D) And as for you, young man, if you don't want to get any shorter, stay out of my way. MILES SHRINKS BACK. CUT TO: INT. MURPHY'S OFFICE - LATER THAT DAY MURPHY IS AT HER DESK AND CHARLOTTE, WITH STENO PAD, IS SEATED IN FRONT OF HER. CHARLOTTE You know, I have a lot of connections from my years with Danny. MURPHY Somehow "Danny Rather" just doesn't fit. CHARLOTTE If it's good enough for little Danny Quale, it's good enough for Danny Rather. MURPHY So why did you decide to leave little Danny Rather and come to work for little Murphy Brown? CHARLOTTE It was time to move on. MURPHY Move on? I'm generally not into humility, but I would have to say this is more moving down than moving on. CHARLOTTE Let's just say Miles was very persuasive. MURPHY But you don't even seem to like Miles. CHARLOTTE He can be persuasive and unlikable at the same time. I have to tell you, I've been around this business a long time and I've worked for all the great ones, Rather, Brinkley, Cronkite, but I never thought I'd be working for a woman named Murphy. MURPHY If it makes you feel better, you can call me Walter. Now, about those connections you were talking about...There is one interview I've been trying to get for some time. CHARLOTTE Who's that? MURPHY The T.V. evangelist, Ernest Schumaker. CHARLOTTE You don't go after the easy ones, do you. MURPHY The guy's worth millions and he's an outright phoney, I just know it. CHARLOTTE Knowing it and proving it are two different things. MURPHY That's why I want the interview, but I can't seem to get past his Chief Prayer Partner. CHARLOTTE Okay, consider it done. MURPHY What do you mean, consider it done? You know him? CHARLOTTE No, but I know his Chief Accountant and what I know about his Chief Accountant is enough to get you the interview. MURPHY You're great. Want to fill me in on what you know? CHARLOTTE No. MURPHY What do you mean "no"? CHARLOTTE Just that, no. If you're worth your salt as a reporter, you'll find it out for yourself. MURPHY Gee, Charlotte, don't feel like you have to pull any punches here. CHARLOTTE Look, I have to promise not to tell what I know in order to get you the interview. MURPHY I see. This smacks of blackmail. CHARLOTTE Smacks nothing. It is blackmail. But there seems to be a lot of that going around this town. MURPHY I wish you hadn't told me that. I'm sorry but I can't allow anybody to be blackmailed, even for the sake of an interview. CHARLOTTE You're not blackmailing anybody. And besides, this guy owes me one. MURPHY Well, I suppose that's different. MILES ENTERS. MILES And how are my little workers getting along? CHARLOTTE GETS UP TO LEAVE. CHARLOTTE Drop dead, sonn...Miles. CHARLOTTE EXITS MILES I don't think she likes me. MURPHY Loathes you would be more accurate. What did you do to that poor woman, anyway? MILES Not a thing. She was just begging for a job and I gave her one. MURPHY She may not look the part, but she's a gem. There is one thing though that's mildly irritating. MILES What's that? MURPHY She's only been here four hours and so far she's left me three memos to shape up. MILES I'm glad to see she's working out. MURPHY She's not just working out. She thinks she can get me an interview with Ernest Schumaker. I've been trying for months to get that interview. MILES I guess she has a lot of connections. MURPHY You said it. She said if I wanted an interview with Elvis she'd get me tickets to Graceland and a good psychic. MILES Think she could get me season tickets to the Redskins? MURPHY Miles, the way she feels about you, I think the best you could hope for is a parking ticket. MILES Yeah, I guess maybe you're right. MILES EXITS. MURPHY FLIPS THROUGH HER ROLL-A-DEX, FINDS A NUMBER, PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS. MURPHY (INTO PHONE) Hi, this is Murphy Brown. I wonder if I could get an appointment to see Dr. Walsh this afternoon. (A BEAT) Now? That's great. I'll be right over. MURPHY HANGS UP PHONE, PICKS UP HER COAT AND PURSE AND EXITS. RESET TO: OUTER OFFICE CHARLOTTE IS AT HER DESK AND CARPENTERS ARE IN THE PROCESS OF INSTALLING WALLS AROUND IT. MURPHY ENTERS FROM HER OFFICE AND SEES THE CARPENTERS. MURPHY Gee Charlotte, aren't you going to feel a little closed in? CHARLOTTE The purpose is for them to feel closed out. Besides, I needed a place to hang my pictures. MURPHY Makes sense to me. Listen, I have an appointment, but I should be back in about an hour. CHARLOTTE No problem. MURPHY CROSSES TOWARDS THE ELEVATOR AND ENCOUNTERS JIM. JIM Good thinking, Murphy. MURPHY What's that? JIM Having a cage built around her. MURPHY Don't get a false sense of security, Jim. I gave her bathroom privileges. MURPHY ENTERS THE ELEVATOR AND THE DOORS CLOSE. SFX: CHARLOTTE'S PHONE RINGS CHARLOTTE (INTO PHONE) Murphy Brown's office. (A BEAT) No, I'm sorry she's just left. (A BEAT) The doctor's running a little late? Well, I guess she's already on her way. Incidentally, what kind of a doctor is he? (A BEAT) Oh, I see. Well, she should be there shortly. Bye. CHARLOTTE HANGS UP PHONE. CORKEY HAS OVERHEARD THE CONVERSATION AND CROSSES TO CHARLOTTE'S DESK. CORKEY Murphy's going to the doctor? CHARLOTTE You must be an investigative reporter. CORKEY No, I generally do soft features, but I'm an avid fan of "Murder She Wrote". FRANK CROSSES TO THEM. FRANK Who's been murdered? CORKEY Murphy's doctor, I guess. FRANK You guess? Is he dead or isn't he? CHARLOTTE Last I heard, he was only running late. CORKEY What kind of a doctor is he? CHARLOTTE Plastic surgeon. CORKEY Murphy's going to a plastic surgeon? THE WHOLE OFFICE TUNES IN. CORKEY (CONT'D) That poor thing. I don't think she looks that bad. FRANK It must be her nose. She's always complaining about its shape. CORKEY Frank, Murphy has a nice nose. It has to be those ugly crow's feet. She is getting older, things are bound to break down. FRANK You make her sound like an old Chevy. JIM Another five minutes and you'll have her ready for a rest home. CORKEY Jim, you have to admit, Murphy remembers a lot of things that happened before most of us were born...Present company excepted, of course. JIM My dear young woman. You have trouble remembering yesterday's news, but that clearly has more to do with cerebral capacity than age. CORKEY (TO FRANK) Is that some kind of a put down? FRANK If you have to ask, it isn't. CORKEY All I know is I'm going to age gracefully. The women in my family all have baby smooth complexions and stunning personalities. JIM I didn't know you were adopted. JIM SNORTS AT HIS OWN LITTLE JOKE. CORKEY Oh Jim, you're such a kidder. DISSOLVE TO: INT. BULLPEN - 2 HOURS LATER CORKEY IS IN THE BULLPEN AS FRANK ENTERS. FRANK Murphy's not back yet? It's been nearly two hours. CORKEY Frank, if Murphy went to a plastic surgeon, it could take days. My mother went to one once. FRANK I thought your family all had stunning complexions. CORKEY Oh, they do, but some of them have bad nostrils. FRANK Bad nostrils. You mean like on the side of their nose? CORKEY Something like that. But fortunately I'm not one of them. FRANK I see. SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS MURPHY STEPS OUT OF THE ELEVATOR. EVERYONE STOPS WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND STARE AT HER AS SHE WALKS INTO THE ROOM. SHE WALKS UP TO FRANK. MURPHY Oh God, don't tell me we've been cancelled. FRANK No. MURPHY I've been cancelled? FRANK Of course not. MURPHY Then why is everybody staring at me like I'm some kind of a freak? CORKEY We were just concerned about you. MURPHY Why should you be concerned about me? I eat oat bran. CORKEY Murphy, we know where you've been. MURPHY So? CORKEY You went to see a plastic surgeon. MURPHY Oh, I thought you meant the cleaners. I stopped by there too. CORKEY It's the crow's feet isn't it? FRANK Corkey. MURPHY So I went to see a plastic surgeon. That doesn't mean anything. I've gone to see a Vet too, but it doesn't mean I'm interested in being spayed. SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS JIM ENTERS JIM Murphy, you're here. I just heard about it on the news. MURPHY Heard about what? JIM That you're going to have plastic surgery. It was the lead item on the "Show Business Report". JIM WALKS RIGHT UP TO HER FACE. JIM (CONT'D) It's those little crow's feet, isn't it? MURPHY This is ridiculous SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS MILES ENTERS CARRYING A TABLOID NEWSPAPER. MILES Murphy, you made the front page of the Global Enquirer. Right next to a piece about Saddam Hussian being a transvestite. JIM (GRABBING PAPER) Let me see that, they're just trying to give transvestites a bad name. MURPHY (GRABBING PAPER) Give me that. (READING) "Aging news anchor Murphy Brown will undergo extensive plastic surgery in an effort to erase the ravages of time and extend her waning television career. (LOOKING UP) This burns my buns. FRANK (TAKING PAPER, READING) A reliable source close to Ms. Brown said she was given an ultimatum by network executives to get rid of the crow's feet or accept a position at a little known station on Guam. MURPHY All right. That's enough. I want to know who started this and I want to know now. THEY ALL LOOK INNOCENTLY AT EACH OTHER THEN TURN THEIR ATTENTION TO CHARLOTTE, WHO'S HANGING PICTURES ON HER NEWLY BUILT OFFICE WALLS. MURPHY Charlotte, in my office NOW. FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO INT. MURPHY'S OFFICE MURPHY BEHIND HER DESK WITH CHARLOTTE SEATED IN FRONT. MURPHY (HOLDING TABLOID) So what you're telling me is that you know nothing about this. CHARLOTTE I swear. Isn't the speed of print journalism just amazing today? MURPHY This garbage is not journalism. Not only that, it's not true. CHARLOTTE But you did go to see a plastic surgeon this morning. MURPHY How did you know that? CHARLOTTE His office called just after you left. MURPHY So you did know about this. CHARLOTTE So did everyone else in the office. We were taking bets on which part you were having rearranged. MURPHY I don't know why, but I believe you. I don't think you'd do a thing like this to me. But then who did do it? CHARLOTTE Search me. That's one of the things wrong with the world today, it's hard to trust anybody. MURPHY Tell me about it. On my last plane flight there was a sign on the cockpit door that said "Pilot carries only $5.00 in change". CHARLOTTE See what I mean? Now that we have that settled, may we get on with business? MURPHY Yes, Charlotte, we may. Why is it whenever I talk to you I get the feeling I'm working for you? CHARLOTTE That's because you have a deep seated fear and anxiety about people older than yourself. MURPHY I see. Thank you for clearing that up. Now, let's get on with it. CHARLOTTE I got you the interview with Ernest Schumaker, but it will have to be on tonight's broadcast. MURPHY That's impossible. CHARLOTTE Then you don't get the interview. MURPHY Why tonight? Is he fleeing the country? CHARLOTTE Precisely. MURPHY What? CHARLOTTE It seems the Attorney General's Office is looking into fraud charges against him. MURPHY Charlotte, this is great! CHARLOTTE He didn't think so. MURPHY Why is he willing to do this interview if he's about to flee the country? CHARLOTTE He sees this as his last chance to clear his name. He figures if he can get through an interview with you, he'll have some credibility. MURPHY Credibility? This guy has "fraud" written all over him. That's why I wanted to do the interview. MILES COMES RUSHING IN. MILES Murphy - you're the talk of the town. Ted Koppel is devoting a whole hour to celebrities and plastic surgery tonight. Do you know what this will do to our ratings? MURPHY Once again the sleeze factor rears its ugly head. And who said I was going to have plastic surgery anyway? MILES It's in the paper. MURPHY Well that certainly makes it official, doesn't it? MILES Murphy, tonight has to be a great show, with lots of close-ups. MURPHY By the way, about tonight's show. We have to cancel the Secretary of Defense. MILES What? We can't cancel him. This is the only time he's available. MURPHY Why, is he fleeing the country? Listen Miles, Charlotte set up an interview with the Reverend Ernest Schumaker, but it has to be tonight. MILES You don't just go around canceling the Secretary of Defense. MURPHY The President does it all the time. MILES That's different. MURPHY Where's your sense of spontaneity? You know how much I want this interview. Besides, with any luck at all he'll still be Secretary of Defense next week and we'll book him then. MILES I don't want to be the one to call him. MURPHY Fair enough. I'll call him, you go make the changes. MILES Do you know what the network guys are going to do to me for this? CHARLOTTE No, but I'd like to watch. MILES CROSSES TO THE EXIT. MILES This better be a good interview. This guy Schumaker is a real pro, Murphy. He could make cole slaw out of you. MURPHY I don't think so, Miles. MILES Just remember, the whole country will be watching. MILES EXITS. MURPHY Charlotte, get the Secretary of Defense on the phone for me, will you? I've got to prepare for this interview. Oh, and by the way, I have a little errand for you to do this afternoon. DISSOLVE TO: INT. FYI SET - NIGHT IT'S SEVERAL MINUTES BEFORE SHOWTIME. JIM, FRANK AND CORKEY ARE AT THEIR DESK AND CHARLOTTE IS CONFERRING WITH MURPHY, WHO'S SEATED IN HER INTERVIEWING SPOT. THE CREW MAKES FINAL PREPARATIONS. MURPHY I know this guy likes dramatic entrances, but this is cutting it a bit close, don't you think? CHARLOTTE I'm sure he'll be here. This is too good of an opportunity for him to pass up. I'll go wait for him. CHARLOTTE EXITS AND MILES CROSSES OVER TO MURPHY. MILES Murphy, if this guy doesn't show it's going to be a disaster with the whole world watching. I'm through, finished. My dreams have turned to cow poop. MURPHY Cow poop? Relax Miles. Charlotte is sure he'll show. MILES Charlotte? Murphy, I have to tell you something. Maybe I should have told you before and none of this would have happened. MURPHY What is it, Miles? MILES It's about Charlotte. Do you know how I got her? MURPHY She was begging for a job and you gave her one. MILES That's not quite true. The fact is...the reality is...the truth is... MURPHY Out with it. MILES I blackmailed her into dropping Rather and coming to us. But I did it for you Murphy. MURPHY I appreciate your honesty but isn't this sort of a strange time to bring it up? MILES Murphy, she's a snitch. A rat. A stoolie. MURPHY What do you mean? CORKEY CROSSES OVER TO LISTEN IN. MILES I heard this rumor that she had given a story about Rather to the tabloids and I told her if she didn't come work for you, I'd spill the beans. MURPHY So you think she's behind that story in the Global Enquirer? MILES I'd bet on it. CORKEY Does that mean you're going to fire her Murphy? MURPHY I can't have a stoolie working for me. CORKEY What if the stoolie didn't really work directly for you but became a stoolie through no fault of her own? MILES She'd be out. History. MURPHY What are you trying to say, Corkey? CORKEY Well, while you were out at your doctor's appointment I got a call from this guy at the Global Enquirer. He's been after me to divulge my sources on the "Acrylic Nails and Fungus" piece I did. Well, he asked me about you and I guess I let it slip that you were going to see a plastic surgeon. MURPHY Let it slip - let it slip? So you are the reliable source that had me ending my career on Guam. CORKEY He made that part up, I swear. MILES I hate to do it, Corkey, but we can't have a stoolie working for us. Integrity is a commodity in too short supply. Corkey, you're... MURPHY Miles, wait. It pains me to say this, but don't do anything you'll be sorry for. Besides, blackmailing Charlotte to get her away from Rather doesn't put you at the top of the integrity ratings. MILES I guess you're right. MURPHY Why are we even talking about this? It's five minutes to air and I don't have a guest. MILES If he doesn't show, you'll just have to wing it. I'll call for a Ready-Cam and we can improvise with man on the street interviews. MURPHY Oh no, I hate those man on the street interviews. They never say what you want them to say. CHARLOTTE COMES RUSHING IN. CHARLOTTE We're saved, they just pulled up. MURPHY This guy must be good, he saved us before he even gets into the building. What do you mean "they" just pulled up? CHARLOTTE Schumaker has some guy hobbling along behind him on crutches. MURPHY Gosh, I can't imagine why he would bring a guy on crutches with him. DISSOLVE TO: INT. FYI SET - SEVERAL MINUTES LATER ERNEST SCHUMAKER ENTERS FROM THE WINGS. HE'S AN OUTRAGEOUS CHARACTER WEARING AN OBVIOUSLY MIS-MATCHED TOUPEE, TACKY LEISURE SUIT AND DRIPPING WITH GOLD JEWELRY. HE'S CARRYING A SMALL DUFFLE BAG. THIS MAN CLEARLY HAS NO TASTE, JUST MONEY. HE IS FOLLOWED BY FRED, A MIDDLE-AGED MAN ON CRUTCHES. SCHUMAKER Not to worry, my little doves, the Reverend Ernest Schumaker is here. MURPHY Praise be. Reverend, this is where we're going to do the interview. Why don't you sit right here and we'll try a little make-up - maybe we can cut the glare from some of that jewelry. A MAKE-UP ARTIST GOES OVER TO HIM, STRAIGHTENS HIS TOUPEE AND DABS SOME MAKE-UP ON HIS FACE. MURPHY GETS UP AND CROSSES TO FRED, THE MAN ON CRUTCHES. MURPHY (CONT'D) And I'll bet you're his secretary. FRED Actually, no. I'm one of his followers and Reverend Schumaker said I might be healed tonight. MURPHY SNATCHES HIS CRUTCHES. MURPHY Here, let me check these for you. SHE HANDS THE CRUTCHES TO MILES. MURPHY (CONT'D) Put these on the crutch rack, will you Miles? MILES Murphy, what are you doing? MURPHY It's all right, trust me. FRED But I need those to... MURPHY I don't think so Fred. I think you're a plant, a phoney. FRED KEELS OVER IN A HEAP. MURPHY (CONT'D) Then again, I could be wrong. (CALLS OUT) Will someone please help this fellow up? MILES GROVELS WITH THE MAN AS TWO STAGEHANDS RUSH OVER AND HELP HIM UP. MURPHY (CONT'D) (TO FRED) I'm terribly sorry. They'll help you over to a comfortable spot. Enjoy the show. MURPHY CROSSES BACK TO SCHUMAKER AND SITS DOWN. SCHUMAKER I can see you're a Doubting Thomas. MURPHY Don't try to tell me that guy is disabled. The heels on his shoes are worn down the same way yours are. SCHUMAKER It was a recent infirmity. MURPHY Very recent, I'm sure. Look, Reverend, I'll be honest with you. The reason I wanted this interview is because I think you're a charlatan. SCHUMAKER And I was afraid you wouldn't have an open mind. MURPHY Believe it or not, I do have an open mind. If you can prove me wrong, fine. But you're not going to do it by dragging in some guy on crutches who probably went jogging this morning, and pretending to heal him. THE DIRECTOR CALLS OUT. DIRECTOR O.K. Places everybody. FRANK I can see the headlines in tomorrow's paper. "Murphy Brown takes crutches from crippled man as the man and her career take a nosedive." JIM I think you're being a bit optimistic. DIRECTOR O.K. Quiet everybody, we're rolling. Five, four, three,... CAMERA CLOSE-UP ON JIM AND PULLS BACK TO REVEAL FRANK AND CORKEY. JIM Good evening and welcome to FYI. Tonight investigative reporter Frank Fontana will report on the public health menace that's developing among government employees who use shredding machines. Then Corkey Sherwood will show you how to turn your old floppy discs into useful party favors. But first, Murphy Brown has our feature interview with well known television evangelist Ernest Schumaker. Murphy... CLOSE-UP MURPHY. MURPHY Thank you Jim. First of all, Reverend Schumaker, welcome to FYI. SCHUMAKER (SPEAKING VERY RAPIDLY) It's my pleasure Murphy. You know I wanted to appear on your show because I feel there is a serious threat underway to weaken the work of the Lord, to undermine the faith of the faithful, that parishioners everywhere... MURPHY Excuse me, Reverend... SCHUMAKER Parishioners everywhere seem to be heeding the call of the Devil and turning their backs on their faith. Throwing out their ethics, their moral principles... MURPHY Reverend Sch... SCHUMAKER Returning to the pagan days of ancient Rome, to... MURPHY (FIRMLY) Reverend Schumaker, it's my understanding that the serious threat you're talking about is from the Attorney General's office and has to do with a fraud investigation against you. Isn't that correct? SCHUMAKER That's just one of the ugly rumors put out to discredit me and the Lord's work. MURPHY Putting the Lord aside for a moment... SCHUMAKER That's the trouble with you people, you're always putting the Lord aside. INTERCUT FRANK AND JIM FRANK (TO JIM) Score one for the preacher. BACK TO MURPHY MURPHY Reverend, so what you're saying is there is no investigation by the Attorney General's office? SCHUMAKER Of course there is. Those people have nothing better to do with their time. MURPHY And is that the reason you are leaving the country after tonight's broadcast? SCHUMAKER I had planned this trip some time ago. MURPHY When you first heard of the investigation? SCHUMAKER Absolutely not. MURPHY Reverend, do you deny that you brought along with you to our studios a man on crutches who is not really disabled, but would give the appearance of being healed for the benefit of the television audience? SCHUMAKER That man is not a fake. MURPHY Reverend we have a videotape, taken by my secretary this afternoon, of you and this man walking to your limousine and getting in. SCHUMAKER He was stricken on the way to the studio. It was a horrible sight. MURPHY So you stopped and picked up some crutches on the way. SCHUMAKER Exactly. MURPHY Then will you consent to doing a healing? SCHUMAKER I'd be happy to. MURPHY On me? SCHUMAKER You want a healing? That's preposterous, there's nothing wrong with you. MURPHY Thank you, but that's not what a reliable source close to me says. SCHUMAKER What's wrong with you? MURPHY Crow's feet. SCHUMAKER Crow's feet? MURPHY You know those little things people over forty prefer to call "laugh lines"? I actually went to a plastic surgeon today to see what could be done about them. But a healing would be a lot easier. SCHUMAKER Well, I don't know. I've never done crow's feet before. MURPHY Certainly a man who can heal the sick and make the disabled walk can mend a few little lines. SCHUMAKER Of course I could if I wanted to. MURPHY You don't want to? SCHUMAKER STANDS. SCHUMAKER Stand up child. MURPHY STANDS. SCHUMAKER PULLS A LARGE WHITE CLOTH FROM HIS DUFFLE BAG. SCHUMAKER (CONT'D) Drape your infirm body in this Holy Shroud and ye shall be healed and rise up like a pheonix from the depths of sickness. MURPHY What is this, a magic act? SCHUMAKER Do you want to heal that face or not? MURPHY STEPS INTO THE SHROUD AND HE ZIPS HER UP. WHEN SHE TALKS HER VOICE IS MUFFLED. MURPHY It's a little large. Is this one size fits all? SCHUMAKER Be still my child, I feel the Presence. Can you hear me? MURPHY NODS HER HEAD "YES". SCHUMAKER (CONT'D) Good. Now I want you to concentrate on what I'm saying. Do you understand me? MURPHY NODS HER HEAD "YES" AND HE TAKES HOLD OF HER SHOULDERS. SCHUMAKER (CONT'D) There is a Presence, a Divine Presence, penetrating this shroud. It has the power to heal those ugly lines, to close those hideous crevices so you can walk with your head held high once again. SCHUMAKER SHAKES HER ENTIRE BODY FIERCELY. SCHUMAKER (CONT'D) I'm asking the Presence to heal this poor wretch, to heal this simple mind, this unworthy soul. To spackle those lines, those unsightly facial gullys. HE BUILDS TO A CRESCENDO. SCHUMAKER (CONT'D) Yes, yes, I can feel it happening. Heal, my child, HEAL. HE RELEASES MURPHY, STEPS BACK EXHAUSTED, AND WIPES HIS FOREHEAD. AFTER A BEAT, HE SUDDENLY CHANGES PACE AND HASTILY GATHERS UP HIS DUFFLE BAG. SCHUMAKER (CONT'D) (ABRUPTLY) I'm going to have to leave you now, my child, I have a plane to catch. MURPHY (FROM INSIDE SHROUD) What? SCHUMAKER When you remove the shroud, you will be completely healed. SCHUMAKER HURRIEDLY EXITS. FRED RUSHES OUT, WITHOUT CRUTCHES, BEHIND HIM. MURPHY, STILL INSIDE THE SHROUD, TURNS IN HIS DIRECTION. MURPHY You can't leave yet! SHE TURNS BACK TO THE CAMERA, TALKING FROM INSIDE THE SHROUD. MURPHY (CONT'D) Ladies and gentlemen, you have just witnessed a performance by a fake, a deceitful phony who I am convinced uses religion to only benefit himself. I want you to know I'm not trying to discredit those honest men and women who practice religion as it was meant to be practiced. But I think we have to be aware that there are people out there, like the Reverend Schumaker, who are opportunists. And now I'm going to prove it to you...Will somebody please get me out of this thing? THE WHOLE CREW STARES IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT THEN MILES RUSHES OVER TO MURPHY. HE UNZIPS THE SHROUD AND MURPHY POPS OUT. MURPHY Could I have a mirror please? THE MAKE-UP ARTIST CROSSES TO MURPHY AND HANDS HER A MIRROR. SHE HOLDS IT UP TO HER FACE A MOMENT THEN TURNS BACK TO THE CAMERA. MURPHY (SMILING, WRYLY) I told you he was a phoney. THE CAMERA DOLLIES IN FOR A CLOSE-UP OF MURPHY WITH LAUGH LINES INTACT. FREEZE FRAME THE END