Journal of Tarakeshwari Paga, Cedar Rapids, USA

2/11/2004

I felt weird yesterday when I wasn't hungry even at 5:30 p.m. Atleast not as hungry as I normally get during this time of the day. I think this is day 4 of provera. By mistake I took 2 pills together on day 1, but I guess that's okay. I need to order for a refill before I run out of them for this year...I'm only allowed refills until aug 2004. Going back to the weirdness - in a way I didn't know what to do with myself - I mean, my mind wanted to put food in my hand and my mouth, but my body knew that I wasn't hungry enough to eat!! Even so, went to Mexican restaurant and ate chips. The chef had put beef in my taco chip salad by mistake - I caught it just in time (it is a good thing I was looking at what I was eating! So maybe there's a rule here for me - look at what you are eating!) and exchanged it for a taco salad that had just lettuce in it. Next time onwards, I'll find something to do at home- like crochet or sewing or cooking or cleaning or practicing music or research Med courses or start writing or read Tech magz or learn SQL Server or read upgrade to Oracle 9i book or call my friends/sister or update my webpage or exercise or take pilates class or go to a "financial advise" class or go to swimming class or dance at home or learn to dance at home or go to dance classes or pranava mag. or ... (as you can see, I have lots and lots of options) - whenever I get the urge to eat just because my mind remembers it to be that time of the day.

2/11/2004:

 Same thing happened today evening when I returned from work around 5:00 p.m. I wasn't hungry at all! But I ate anyway - part of it was force of habit; the rest of it was nervousness becoz I had promised my friend Vijaya I would go out dancing with her. I was nervous thinking about dancing in front of many people. With my belly wobbling and all my parts hanging out and all that! It could get ugly! So I ended up eating 4 slices of bread (with butter and sugar) when I was not even hungry. And when I did get motivated enough to go, it was around 7:40 p.m. I think I really need to drop some inches before I get on a dance floor. Vijaya did teach me basic salsa moves (forgot the names, but remember the steps) and I was watching myself in the reflection of the french window - it was not a pleasant sight! I hated seeing my belly protruding out so much and jiggling so much. But I loved the moves and the way it made me feel when I finally got the hang of it. Vijaya moves her body very well. Hope I get that way someday! That'll be fun. I guess my goal should be to dance some everyday at home. And then Vijaya and I ended up talking upto 10:30.

2/12/2004


BAH! I just did the same thing: it is around 3:00 p.m. now and although I didn't feel hungry, like a robot, I took a $1.00 down to the vending machine and bought myself CHEETOS!! *#$#@@*. Maybe it was all that writing I was doing in my journal here, about food??! Well, I HAVE to find a solution for this "disease". I am such an IDIOT. HOW can I do such a thing to myself? Why am I punishing (why else would I be behaving so irresponsibly?) myself? When all I REALLY want to do is...I guess that's it..what do I REALLY want to do when I get these "false" cravings? I need to keep something handy - like a chewing gum, or a bottle of orange juice or a fruit or something. Take a walk - away or take the stairs?
The moral is:
  1. Replace old habits with new ones.
  2. Never look back. Keep marching ahead towards better health.

    3. List of things I MUST avoid TOTALLY until April 1st, 2004 (My goal is to weigh 135 pounds at this time):

    1. Mexican Restaurant
    2. Chips
    3. Sugar in any form: sweets especially
    4. Taj Mahal Restaurant

    List of things I would like to do when I have time on my hands:
    1. exercise
    2. crochet
    3. sewing
    4. cooking
    5. cleaning
    6. practicing music
    7. research Med courses
    8. start writing
    9. read Tech magz
    10. learn SQL Server
    11. read upgrade to Oracle 8i/9i book
    12. call my friends/sister
    13. update my webpage
    14. take pilates class
    15. go to a "financial advise" class
    16. go to swimming class
    17. dance at home
    18. learn to dance at home
    19. go to dance classes
    20. pranava mag.

    2/13/2004


    Well, so much for my thought-process yesterday. Last night, I ate 7-8 wheat bread slices with butter, jelly and sugar. And left-over avalakki. And 2 cups of fruit-yogurt. And no exercise yesterday. I thought I would exercise after work, but I turned the TV on, and that was the death of that goal. This morning I ate 1 ragi-rotti, 3 valentine-day cookies, one piece of cake, 1 cinnamon bagel with dressing, one side serving of baked potatoes. Why didn't I eat those 2 plums and 1 pear that I brought with me this morning? I don't know. Why DID I eat that much sugar? Because I didn't say NO to them.
    What is it that I am lacking? Self-discipline. What is Self-discipline? Why is this so hard for me to do?


    2/16/2004


    (Friday dinner: I ate 7-layer, 1 large soda, 1 nachos. Saturday lunch: Chinese restaurant. Dinner: puliyogare and 3 jilebis. Sunday morning: upma, afternoon: b'day party lunch was heavy, dinner: 3 tsps puliyogare. Actually I did really good on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I am proud of myself.) Well, the frustration I felt on Friday motivated me to search for “self-discipline” on the web. I found a very nice article that helped me understand what it involves. It involves 4 major factors – Self-Control, Goals, Motivation and Perseverance. The article described self-control in detail. And there were a few sayings that drove the message home. I read half of the article on the way to Chicago (drove the second half, so couldn’t finish) and rest of it that night. The article says ”A proper balance must be struck between indulgence and severity. However, severity, despite occasional mistakes, is preferable to a lack of discipline”. But here is what I took away from it Severity is preferable to self-indulgence. I kept thinking about that quote and tried to imagine how I would implement it in real-life. I visualized myself walking away from a credenza of treats. But somehow that didn’t click. Then I visualized myself stopping at the credenza of treats and looking at the sweets and saying – Hey, these food items are examples of what I shouldn’t be eating. So I’m going to say NO to you guys and eat a fruit or two instead. When I visualized myself doing this, it felt so real and doable. Another thing I remebered is my mother who is a diabetic adheres to a strict regulated diet. She is so self-motivated. Seeing her, I would always wonder why she was over-doing it. Now I realize that severity is preferable to over-indulgence. This afternoon I had rice with brinjal curry and for bkfst half a pear and 1 plum.

    Just to get an idea of some numbers:
    145 pounds = 65.83 kgs
    140 pounds = 63.56 kgs
    135 pounds = 61.29 kgs
    130 pounds = 59.02 kgs
    125 pounds = 56.75 kgs
    120 pounds = 54.48 kgs
    115 pounds = 52.21 kgs
    110 pounds = 49.94 kgs Ideal weight for my height


    I remember I weighed 51 kgs as a teenager and at that time I thought THAT was obese!!
    Week of 2/16/2004: As of 4:20 p.m. CST today, I weighed in at 149 pounds/67.646 kgs exactly.

    Specific weight-loss goals:
    Short-term: One week
    Medium-term: 3 months
    Long-term: 1 year

    1. Go to gym 5 days this week – Monday to Saturday (that means of these days, I can skip any one day)
    2. Yoga every single day
    3. 40 mins treadmill (either walk OR walk-jog routine) OR walk the stairs for 30 mins OR 30 mins workout on the elliptical machine
    4. I will not eat any sweets for the next 6 days
    5. Tonight, I will plan the menu for the next 5 days (Tue to Sat)
    6. I will eat only home-cooked food for today & the next 5 days

    2/17/2004



    Well, I did it. I didn't exercise yesterday. Which means I will be exercising all days this week (including today). I saw Gulab-jamoon in the fridge yesterday evening and for a few seconds I was tempted to eat it. But I refrained, and the urge went away. I planned meals for the rest of this week. I wanted to make chappati & curry this morning, but becoz I woke up late, I just made sambar. Raghu made rice. That's what we had for lunch. I made chappatis during my lunch break so that we could eat that after we returned from YMCA. Only things I'll need to do is a curry for tonight, and tomorrow's lunch. The bad thing is I turned on the TV, and that's it. I was glued to it. Several times, when there was nothing interesting on any of the channels (including the Indian channels) I thought of switching it off, but didn't. I guess next time, I'll just have to do it. I'm reading that article on self-discipline every day and each time I read it, I'm absorbing more of the contents.

    2/19/2004


    Today is Feb 19th (Thursday). Exercised Tuesday. No exercise yesterday (Wed.) but I cleaned & vaccumed the bedroom, did the laundry, cleaned the sink in the BR, cleared the table in the LR, and in general ended up with a feel-good attitude. Also yesterday was

    Here is my dream:

    Say I get my menses in 3-4 days (I’m already having back pain today and PMS) on 2/24, and I don’t ovulate, so my next first day should be around 3/24 – 3/28. By this time I would be weighing 142-140 pounds. Next first day should be around 4/28th. I would be weighting about 135-137 pounds. This time I will take Letrozole. Next period should be around 5/28th. I would be weighing around 130-132 pounds. This cycle also I will take Letrozole.


    Current Weight: 149 Pounds As of Feb 16, 2004
    Month~~~~~~~~~~~Weight Goal
    Feb 29th, 2004: 146-147 pounds
    Mar 31st, 2004: 141-142 pounds
    Apr 30th, 2004: 135-136 pounds
    May 31st, 2004: <=130 pounds

    What I'm doing: Plan upto March 31st, 2004. Review on April 1st
    1. Cut down portion size
    2. Sub rice with wheat-rice
    3. Eat Salad every day as part of one meal
    4. Eat sambar daily
    5. Take lemon + honey in warm water first thing in the morning
    6. Drink fruit juice in place of one meal
    7. Exercise: Flexibility, yoga and treadmill/elliptical/cycle
    8. Glucophage
    9. Eat fruits
    10. Make lots of curry to eat with Phulka and Rotti
    11. Drink Buttermilk
    12. Drink Tea with honey
    13. One glass honey water before going to sleep


    Bkfst: 1 plum and ½ pear
    Lunch: carrot curry, 1 chappati, 3 tsp wheat-rice and 2 cups sambar
    Dinner: 1 cup wheat-rice, 4 cups sambar
    Snack: putani, ½ pear
    Did “Yoga for Fun” in the morning


    2/20/2004:

    Bkfst: 1 glass honey water in the morning, I had 1 plum for bkfst
    Lunch: 1 ragi rotti with BM and banad pudi; 1 plate upma
    Prepared chappati dough is in the fridge

    Going to make rasam and cabbage curry (with chappati) in the night
    Saok dal for Idli and dosa tonight – make idli on Saturday night and Dosa on Sunday night


    Just checked my weight: 146-147 pounds at 4:00 p.m. YIPPIE!!!! Success in small steps.

    2/22/2004:

    Got my period yesterday (Saturday). Today is the start of a new week of goals and eating right. I’ve been doing really well with my diet. I’ve been eating healthy, eating only when I’m hungry (earlier, I used to eat out of habit). Based on last week’s experience, I’ve revised my goals to be as follows:
    Specific weight-loss goals for week of 2/22/04:
    1. 30 mins activity 3 days this week – Monday to Saturday
    2. I will not eat any sweets for the next 6 days
    3. Tonight, I will plan the menu for Mon to Sat
    4. I will eat only home-cooked food for today & the next 6 days
    You know what I realized, today is only the 6th day of eating healthy. A lot depends on this entire week and the week to come. They say it takes a min of 21 days to form a good habit. Raghu is challenging me to continue this spat of healthy eating for a few more weeks – he seriously thinks I can’t do it. I KNOW I can. I am aware that it is indeed going to be a challenge to change my eating habits into something that I follow for my lifetime. However I am confident I can do it.
    This week my additional goal is: activity for atleast 30 mins 3 days this week.
    1. Cut down portion size
    2. Garshan
    3. Sub rice with wheat-rice
    4. Eat Fruits and Salad every day
    5. Take honey and chyapanprash daily
    6. Activity for 30 mins daily: Flexibility, yoga and treadmill/elliptical/cycle
    7. Glucophage + folic acid
    8. Drink Buttermilk/juice/honey water/tea
    9. No sweets
      10. Yesterday I ate 2 phulkas with rajma for bkfst. Lunch: 1 bowl salad. Snack: fresh orange juice, rice crispies. Dinner: 2 phulkas with rajma and 1 cup sambar. Drank plenty of water in-between. Also yesterday, got my period around noon.
      Items I practised self-control on:
    10. no sweets – didn’t have ANY sweet tue – sat. always refrained from eating even though was tempted a few times. It was tough, but I did it and will continue to be severe (Severity is preferable to over-indulgence)
    11. small portion size – ate small portions each time, at the same time never let myself go hungry for long
    12. eat fruits – had one fruit every day
    13. home-cooked food: ate home-made food daily – didn’t eat out
    14. create a healthy lifestyle: eating healthy meals and exercising with husband
    15. other: drinking honey tea and eating chyapanprash
      16. I need to order refills for letrozole and progesterone and glucophage.


      Journal Continued...
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my mother:
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me :
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