Journal of Tarakeshwari Paga, Cedar Rapids, USA (Contd...)

2/26/2004

I was so frustrated on Tuesday. For the first time since I returned from my visit to India (jan 2004), I was angry all over again. I was disappointed and extremely depressed. I started questioning again - why I'm not getting out of this situation. I realize that I'm making myself miserable. My actions and words are not helping me. Gini ge heldage Raghu ge tiluhisi helidenu - that if his mom wants to get the eye-surgery done here that's fine - the only condition being it should be done here in Cedar Rapids. Initially he agreed with me. In fact he seemed angry and upset that his mom would want to get the surgery done here. By the end of the day, he was feeling guilty and started saying that he wanted his mom to get the surgery done here!! He completely changed his mind 180 degrees. I know I should be used to this character-trait of his - it has happened one million times before, but everytime he does this, I just get zapped in the face. It hurts. I don't think there's ANYONE else on Earth, who changes his mind so often and so quickly. It drives me crazy - I start to talk, and act like one who is extremely mentally disturbed - screaming, pouting, sulking, taunting, furious!!
He does this to me ALL THE TIME! What are we going to be teaching our children by behaving like this (we don't have any yet)? I become a really horrible hateful person when he does that - puts his mom ahead of US. I've realized I ALWAYS think of US all the time and he NEVER thinks of US - WE don't exist as an entity. There is no WE. It's ME and HER for him. I ALWAYS THINK OF US! And the problem is, I expect that he is thinking the same way, and then one fine day, I get a rude awakening – he does NOT think that way! I have been a fool and I have been blind. I want him to think of US – what’s good for us and what’s not. But he won’t DO that NO. He WILL think of his mom and what’s good for her!! Hell, I have a mom too! I don’t think of them – I think of US! He is a MAN for God’s sakes and he is still hanging on to his mother’s sari.

Well, at the same time I also realize that when I’m her age (73) I would certainly like to have the support of someone younger and someone who could get things done for me. What is bugging me is that I’ve sacrificed so much – my husband wants to quit his job (due to health reasons), I say quit. He wants to stay at home all the time, I go along with him (last 2 times he did want us to go for a drive, under the guise of looking for homes). I sacrifice a life where my husband and I can go walking, jogging, play tennis, workout together (due to his health). I go along with my husband when he wants me to visit his sisters. I cook for his sister’s guests. I try and have a good time with them even though we have some differences. What has my husband done for me? What has he done other than finance me? He has given me the support (although twisted and sadistic) and advice I need in order to settle down into a foreign work environment. He pushed me into this profession even though it was tough for me and I wanted to quit several times. He crushed my childish enthusiasm and honed me into a woman more in control of her emotions (yeah, right!). one thing is for sure – I found my true self when I was in India away from my husband. I realized that prior to my India trip I had not been living life the way I wanted to – I was living life the way raghu wanted me to. I had become seomeone else. I am so full of life and enthusiasm. I used to be so bitter with raghu and my life in general. It was only after talking with my parents and Roopa that I realized what I had been and what I can be. And now with this argument, I have become that bitter person once more. NO. I refuse to do that. I will NOT go back to being a bitter, furious and hateful person. I used to be so filled with anger and fury. I do NOT want to be like that – I do not wish to go back to being that person. I am a very jolly, helpful, sympathetic, friendly and happy person.

Okay. Just because I’m cribbing about my husband, doesn’t mean I feel something less about him. I have the same strong feeling for him. And he takes sound decisions/choices when he DOES make them. And now, I’d like to close this chapter for the rest of my life. I promise myself that: I will always maintain my individuality.


Yesterday I ate poorly during dinner - meaning I ate cheese, 1tsp pineapple jelly, stuffed myself with too much food - dosas and white rice. Because I was emotionally upset. Now I know how to handle it. I will handle it by telling myself that I'm doing this for MY well-being. By reminding myself that I'm doing this for MYSELF and not for anyone else. For MY present and future health.
So this morning, woke up and came straight to the gym - walked on the treadmill for 30 mins. It felt good. :o)
    Reiterating my goals for this week and week ending March 6th...:
  1. I will eat only home-cooked food for today and the next 9 days.
  2. I will not eat any sweets
  3. I will workout for 60-90 mins daily. Minimum of 30 mins.
  4. I will: Sub rice with wheat-rice, Eat Salad, sambar, Buttermilk, tea with honey


I am going to revise my goals on March 1st. My previous goal of "Feb 29th, 2004: 146-147 pounds" has been achieved. Since I am actually 143 pounds as of today, I can be a little aggressive in my future WLG.

3/4/2004

Well, it is March 4th today. Initially I had set my WLG for March 31st at 135-138 pounds. This morning I still weighed 143 pounds. So should I reduce it now? At the rate of 1 to 1.5 lbs/week, max will be 4-6 lbs.
Alright, I'm going to do what worked before:
  1. 2 phulkas, 1 cup curry, 1 cup sambar
  2. ragi rotti, 1 cup curry, 1 cup majjige huli

3/8/2004


Oh My God! Can't believe this! This morning I weighed 141 pounds!! Yippeeee!!! Yes!!

3/9/2004


Hmmm! Strange. THis morning I weighed in at 144 pounds. I was kind of shocked to see that number, but in a way it is good because I got a huge jolt. Vijaya is really irritating me because she is maha J about how well my diet is working for me. She never seems to be happy for me that I'm getting healthier and man am I looking good. Raghu can't stop telling me n number of times a day that I'm looking yummy enough to eat!! Makes me feel simply wonderful!! YES!

Last night I ate 2 polis, 2 coconut burfis, nacho cheese chips, 1 yogurt, 1 bowl upma, 1 mango. I first ate the upma and I was so full then. But I started to want some sweat and remembered I had some in the fridge. I started heating in the microwave and ate it all up! Maybe it was because I ate so little for lunch, that I went out of control in the evening. So, this afternoon I ate 3 tbsps of wheat rice with plenty of majjige-huli and sorekay palya. Also I have plenty of dose-hittu ready in the fridge. Soaked for horse-gram, and made sambar. Also made tomato pacchadi so I can add taste to my food. And it is true. Planning my menu for the week is definitely going to help me to live a healthy lifestyle. I must remember to use the Raagi Hittu I have at home, otherwise it will spoil.

 I find that I need an Exercise Routine. Just like I am making it a habit to eat healthy, I need to make it a habit to exercise. Like brushing my teeth - can't live without it!!
Alright, I have decided. I will come to the Aegon Gym everyday around 6:00 pm. After coming from work, I will cook, and eat after exercising.
GOAL: GO TO THE GYM 4 days a week.

3/10/2004


Walked 2 miles - 200 cals today. Incline of 1-3. 40 mins. Ate 2 dosas and sambar for lunch. Tea with honey for bkfst. Have fruits. Will eat after 2:30 (want to give one hr gap after walk).

3/12/2004


This morning I weighed in at 140 lbs. Yesterday I was very depressed because Raghu did it again. His mother wants to come to US and he is already so concerned for her and hyper about it. He shows so much interest and gives so much attention to his family. He takes me for granted. I am becoming the old Tanu again. I hate that. I want to be me, and don't want to change in accordance with who I am with. I want to maintain my individuality. I am upset with Raghu becoz he is so indecisive. I have been telling him from such a long time to move to a bigger apartment. He hasn't done anything about it yet! But as soon as he heard that his mom wants to come here, he is going to set up the Medicaid, etc for her. So why am I in this marriage? THe only thing that I look for in a marriage is a caring, affectionate husband. I don't even have that. I expect him to do things for me. He doesn't. Now and then he will do the dishes, but most of the time I am the one cleaning and cooking! I bring home the dough. So what is my husband doing for me, my life, my marriage? Where is the growth, the love, the excitement, the peace, the interdependence? I want all of these from my marriage. TO be honest, it drives me mad that my husband is so indecisive. And so compulsive - always asking me questions about my work and my friends. It looks like he wants to live through me. And doesn't have a life of his own. How sad. And when I DO share my conversations with him, he unnecessarily starts stating his opinions and feelings. And trust me he is either angry or jealous or upset - nothing happy at all. God! How I miss the person I was while I was in India. Trust me I am a very different person when I am among my family and in India. There is so much positive energy there and so much negative energy when I am here. What a sheer waste. Another thing is my husband turns me into the kind of person he wants me to be. And I turn into one. But no more. I am going to be how I want to be. I will be who I want to be. And I don't think I am a good influence on Raghu either. I thought marriage was supposed to bring out the best in the people involved. But after 8 years I can say that has not happened in my case. I hate Raghu's mom. I hate her because she is so stubborn and selfish. The other thing that made me upset is Raghu NEVER thinks about us. Always about him and his family. I am nowhere on the scene. NEVER once thinks about our future. Or our present.

I think my biggest mistake is to expect that HE will make me happy. That is wrong of course - happiness comes WITHIN me. Not from outside. Same with the growth, the love, the excitement, the peace, the independence. AMEN.

3/17/2004


Last night I had the wierdest dream ever. In my dream, I was on the planet Moon, all alone and with only one electric bulb to provide me with light - that too was flickering sometimes. God! I had to make food on my own from scratch, and other hardships that I don't remember now :o)

Anyway - I had not been eating healthy last week. So today is the start of a new week of eating healthy and living a healthy lifestyle. Promise to myself.

3/30/2004


Well, I am back to 146 pounds. I hate Vijaya. She is such a frigging bitch. She used to be so jealous when I was losing weight. Pretending to encourage but actually discouraging and weighing me down. WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW? HOW DO I GET BACK ON TRACK? HOW DO I ONCE AGAIN GET TO 140 WHICH I HAD COME TO WITH SO MUCH DIFFICULTY?? I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. HOW COULD I LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME? WHY DID I MAKE THE WRONG CHOICES? WHY DID I PUT THE WRONG THINGS INTO MY MOUTH? I KNEW AT THAT TIME THAT I WAS DOING IT THAT I WAS DOING WRONG THINGS.

Okay, I was experimenting. The results of which are that yes, I will put on weight even if I don't watch what I eat for one meal. I need to watch what I eat during each and every meal. Every mouthful will make a large difference.

Journal Continued... 1