"I think George W. Bush might be getting
overconfident. At a press conference, he
deliberately pronounced 'possible' as 'possima-
mossima-bullible.'"
--David Letterman
"Democratic VP candidate Joe Lieberman is still
running for senate in Connecticut. That has to
make Al Gore feel real good. It's almost the
election and his running mate is still
undecided!"
--Jay Leno
A fellow in Vermont said to his mother one day,
"Mother, I don't believe you'd vote for God Himself if
He ran on the Democratic ticket!"
To which she replied, "Of course not. If He switched
parties at this late date, He wouldn't be very
reliable, now would He?"
"Then there is Ralph Nader, better known to
Democrats as 'Unsafe at any Percentage' Nader."
--Jon Stewart
"Halloween and the election are very similar.
They are both events that start off promising
but then just make everyone sick."
--Bill Maher
"Depression vs. Recession"
The 1980 Presidential campaign contained a heavy
emphasis on economic issues. Candidate Ronald Reagan
warned of the coming of another depression if America
continued in its present path. President Jimmy Carter
responded, "That shows how much he knows. Mr. Reagan
clearly does not know the difference between a
depression and a recession."
That reaction gave Reagan, the communicator, a platform
comment to build his campaign on. Reagan responded,
"If Mr. Carter wants a definition, I'l give him one.
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job,
depression is when you lose yours, and recovery will be
when Jimmy Carter loses his."
"Did you hear? George W. Bush is already
predicting that one day his dumbest son will
grow up to be president."
--Dave Letterman
"Many African-American leaders are reminding
voters that hundreds of thousands of people
have died for the right to vote. To make
matters even sadder those people died for the
right to vote for these two guys (Gore &
Bush)."
--Jon Stewart
"Truth and Lies"
There is a story about a gubernatorial candidate in
West Virginia who got an urgent call from the manager
of his campaign in Charleston. "Bob, you should get
over here right away," the manager advised. "The
opposition is telling a lot of lies about you around
this city."
"I can't come today," the candidate said. "I have to
go to Wheeling."
"But Bob, this is important. They're telling lies
about you in Charleston!" the manager protested.
"Wheeling is even more important," said Bob. "They're
telling the TRUTH about me there!"
Have you heard about the latest dance craze?
It's called the Politician's Polka. You take
one step forward, two steps back, and sidestep
the issue."
--Jack Rosenbaum
"Stratigery."
--SNL's Will Ferrell as George W. Bush
describing his platform in one word
"Just as Much Right"
A group of politicians, shortly before an oncoming
election, were busily engaged in a North Carolina
cemetery, copying names from gravestones, in order to
vote for them, fradulently. They came to one stone
that was overgrown with moss, the name hard to
decipher, so they decided to skip that one and go on to
the next. At this suggestion, the leader of the group
voiced a vehement protest: "No! No! No! Go right
back and get that name. That fellow has just as much
right to vote as anybody in this cemetery!"
"I will not plant subliminal messagores."
--Bart Simpson writing his promise on the
chalkboard in the opening of FOX's 'The
Simpsons'
"As playright Gore Vidal tells it, when his
play 'The Best Man' was being cast back in 1959
Ronald Reagan was proposed for the lead role of
the distinguished front-running Presidential
candidate. He was rejected. It was decided
that he lack the "Presidential look."
--Fifty Plus
"A Thief!"
--by Walter Belson
A Congressman is awakened in the middle of the night by
his wife who whispers, "I think there's a thief in the
house."
"Not in the House," her husband says. "Perhaps in the
Senate, my dear, but not in the House."
Reporter: "What will you be telling voters during your
heartland campaign tour?"
Republican candidate Bob Dole: "We're trying to get
good pictures. Don't worry very much about what I
say."