February 5, 1998
Brilliant Criminals
- In Tennessee... A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while it was recording by remote (that is, the videotape recorder was located somewhere else in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
- In Louisiana... A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. So the question here is, if someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?
- In Florida... [Uh, pardon our language] A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F**K-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, Mother-Stickers, this is a f**k-up!"
- In Arkansas... Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block thru a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
- In New York... As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, Officer... that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
- In Seattle... When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor-home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor-home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor-home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
- In Newark... A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
- In Michigan... The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
- In Kentucky... Two men tried to pull the front off of a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
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