February 6, 1998
41 Things to do to a Blind date that you Never want to see Again
- Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.
- When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
- Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
- Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
- Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
- Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask them, "What took you so long in the bathroom?"
- Ask the people at neighboring tables for food from their plates.
- Order a bucket of lard.
- Ask for crayons to color the placemat. You'll need to be extra persuasive in fancier resturants with linen tablecloths.
- Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
- Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets and relatives.
- Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, with a good view of all exits, and where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous.
- Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
- Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
- Stare at your date's neck and grind your teeth audibly.
- Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
- Drool.
- Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
- Discreetly fill your pockets with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements, etc...
- Hold a debate. Take both sides.
- Attempt to auction your date off to people nearby.
- After getting your food, slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
- Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got." When the waiter returns with another potato, make sure the first one is back on your plate.
- Occasionally speak in Pig Latin.
- Excuse yourself, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, "They need to air out."
- Order for your date. Order more food then he/she can possible eat. Tell them they "must eat it all or suffer the consequences."
- If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say, "Man, did you get ripped off!"
- Ask your date how much money they have with them.
- Refuse to speak to your date. Request that they mime the conversation instead.
- During dinner guard your plate with your fork and steak knife. Give the impression that you'll stab anyone who reaches for it, including the waiter.
- Collect all of the salt shakers from all nearby tables. Use them to build a tower on your table.
- Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
- Make funny faces at other customers, then sneer at their reactions.
- Repeat every third third word you say say.
- Proudly explain to your date that you were voted "Most Festerous" in your high school yearbook. Give examples of why it was appropriate.
- Read a newspaper or book during the meal.
- Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
- Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces.
- Insist that the waiter take one bite from everything served to you. Explain that you need to make sure no one has poisoned your food.
- Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.
- Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
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