February 9, 1998
Signs, Signs, Signs!

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• Sign in a Laundromat:
  AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
• Sign in a London department store:
  BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
• In an office:
  AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
• Outside a photographer's studio:
  OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
• Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
  SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
• Sign warning of quicksand:
  QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
• Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
  DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LITTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.
• Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
  ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
• Sign on motorway garage:
  PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
• Notice in health food shop window:
  CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
• Spotted in a safari park:
  ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
• Seen during a conference:
  FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
• Notice in a field:
  THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES!
• Sign on a repair shop door:
  WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
• Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
  BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE JUST LEFT
• Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
  TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

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