February 24, 1998
The Parachute
You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?- Pessimist: You refuse the parachute because you'd probably die from the jump anyway.
- Optimist: You refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
- Procrastinator: You play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
- Lawyer: You charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
- Doctor: You tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
- Sales executive: You sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
- Internal Revenue Service employee: You confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
- Advertiser: You strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
- Engineer: You make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
- Scientist: You give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
- Mathematician: You refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
- Philosopher: You ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
- English major: You explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
- Comparative Literature major: You read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
- Computer Science major: You design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
- Economics major: You plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
- Psychoanalyst: You ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
- Drama major: You tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
- Art major: You hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
- Republican: As you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.
- Democrat: You ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.
- Libertarian: After reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
- National Rifle Association member: You shoot them and take the parachute.
- Police Bigot: You beat them unconscious with the parachute.
- Environmentalist: You refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
- Objectivist: Your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
- Branch Davidian (David Koresh): You get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.
- Sports Fan: You start betting on how long it will take the plane to crash.
- Auto Mechanic: As long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
- Ross Perot: You tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.
- The Surgeon General: You issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
- Association of Tobacco Growers: You explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.
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