March 4, 1998
You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When...

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• You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
• It takes 15 minutes to scroll from the top to the bottom of your bookmark.
• Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
• All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3... and even your night dreams are in HTML.
• You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
• You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"
• Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
• You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
• Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• When looking at a page-full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
• Your dog has its own home page.
• You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
• Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
• You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
• You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
• Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do," and you don't even have a job.
• You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
• You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.01 or higher."
• You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your Internet Service Provider...because you never log off.
• The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
• You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
• Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
• As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
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