May 9, 1998
Some Funny Quotes

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Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him somewhere in a car he sticks his head out the window!
--Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
--George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where in the world she is.
--Ellen DeGeneres
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
--Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
--Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
--Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
--Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
--Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
--Jay Leno
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
--Stephen Leacock
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
--Roger Simon
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
--Pearl Williams
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
--George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. The next morning, buy it back for seventy-five cents.
--William Coronel

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