Dr. G. couldn't find my baby's heartbeat. He tried for several minutes to locate a heartbeat, but couldn't find one at all. At first I thought that I was hearing her heartbeat, only to realize that it was my heart beating, not my baby's. He asked if she had moved at all that day and I said yes not realizing that what I felt were actually Braxton-Hix. They were making my belly move just as my baby did when tossing and turning in there. I know this because my belly moved while I was still lying on the exam table and I got excited and said, "See, my baby just moved!" and he said that was a contraction, not a movement. In my heart I knew that Dr. G. was right. I wanted it to be a movement. I was so concerned about timing the contractions that morning and excited about being in labor that I didn't pay as much attention to if my baby was moving or not. Just the night before, while in bed, Larry was holding me and I was just about asleep when he felt a punch or a kick...I wish I could remember it, but I was too sleepy.
Then I was informed that stillborn was rare, but definitely a possiblity. I remember mumbling something like, "I know that it is possible. I read about it in my book just last week." And I thought to myself, "It's just not supposed to happen to me!" I went to Labor and Delivery from there, in hopes that the nurses there could locate a heartbeat, we all were hoping that they would find one. I stopped at a pay phone and had Larry paged to meet me at L&D. When I arrived, the nurse (Sheila) that took me to my room was very compassionate and said that she would do everything she could possibly do to find the missing heartbeat. Still nothing. Larry walked in very excited...took one look at me and asked what was wrong. I tried telling him, but I was struggling with the words and crying, so Sheila asked if I wanted her to tell him...so I said yes. It still was not confirmed that our baby was not alive since sometimes the baby's position can make the heartbeat hard to find, at least that is what we were told. We didn't know what to think or do.
I went from there to the ultrasound department and it just happened to be at 1:00 pm, my already scheduled time. By this time, I was already glad that I did go to see my doctor first. I couldn't believe what I was seeing on the screen. No movement at all. No heartbeat. This baby that had been very active in there was just lying perfectly still. I couldn't believe this was happening. Afterwards, Sheila came back in and said, "I'm not supposed to be telling you this...but you could probably tell by looking at the screen that your baby has died. I'm so very sorry." Larry and I did already know without even being told, but we were glad that we didn't have to wait for Dr. G. to get there to tell us. We couldn't stop crying and sobbing.
After we were back in my room, we were asked if we would like clergy to visit with us and we said yes. Since Larry is Catholic and his Gram's brother is a Catholic priest, we were going to call him until we found that there was a priest already in the L&D department. He stayed with us for a little while and blessed us and our baby. Since he wasn't going to still be there by the time our baby was to arrive, he suggested that we could have the nurse do the baptism for us...or anyone else that would.
All we could do now was wonder why and make it through labor and birth. Bereavement material was brought in to us, but we didn't read it until we came home. We were in too much shock and disbelief to even think about reading anything. Now I wish that we would have, so then we would have had someone bring in our own camera to take plenty of pictures, and we could have called family long before we did. It was suggested that we do so by the nurses, but we chose to wait. The material left for us changed my mind, and I wish I would have given the family the opportunity to see and hold her.
Sheila was so compassionate and took such excellent care of us until her shift ended at 3:00 pm. Nicole was my next nurse and she also took excellent care of us. She did all she could to make us as comfortable as possible. Larry noticed that on the outside of the door they placed a symbol to make everyone aware that we had lost our baby. It was 3 roses, intertwined with the middle one falling limp, just as flowers do when they die.
Finally, it was time to deliver and hopefully get some questions answered. Immediately it was found to be the umbilical cord that took her life. The cord had to be cut before I was allowed to push her completely out. It was wound twice around her neck, tight as a rubber band. Then I heard the words, "IT'S A GIRL!" at 6:03 pm, and started crying. I thought I was hearing the wrong thing since everyone thought I was having a boy except for Kendall. Larry and I both held Sydney Nicole after she was examined by Dr. G. She was already cold, she was purple and pink and very small for her age of 38 weeks and 3 days. Sydney looked just like Kendall did with a full head of wavy dark brown hair, same cheek bones, lips, nose, and there were two little pimple-like bumps under her lower lip. The resemblance was uncanny, I couldn't believe my eyes!
Dr. G. thought that something was wrong with the placenta, so that was sent to pathology. Maybe that had the answer to her low birth weight, I was hoping...but it didn't. The test came back showing nothing to be wrong with the placenta. I'll never know why she was so small. Just that I loved her with all my heart and always will.
We collected her hat, a lock of her beautiful hair, a standard issure certificate of her birth with her foot prints and weight and name and time of birth with attending physician, and mine and her hospital bracelets. Nicole, the nurse, also took three Polaroid pictures of Sydney for us. I will treasure all that I have to remember her short life with us. When it was time to give her to Nicole for the last time, it felt like I was giving her away, but I know I wasn't giving her away, Sydney was taken from us before she was even born. I was surprised when I received a phone call telling me that Sydney's pictures were in. They took professional pictures of Sydney for us at no charge. Even though I didn't know they would be doing that (I would have picked out a pretty dress), I am eternally grateful for the pictures and we will treasure them always.
Sydney will always be my second born baby and second born daughter. Sydney still does live within my heart and soul and she always will.
True love never dies...
