A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is over
the large
selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the
differences in all these tiolet paper?'
"Well," he replies pointing out the top one. “That one is as soft as a
baby's kiss.
It's $1.50 per roll." He then grabbed another and said "This is nice and
soft, strong
but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells
her, "We call
that our No Name brand, and it's 20cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey!
I've
got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne.
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it doesn’t take the crap off anybody!"
What's the difference between
the Pope and your boss?
The Pope only expects you
to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and
it is gone.
Never trust a stockbroker
who's married to a travel
agent.
The only time the world
beats a path to your door is if
you're in the bathroom.
She hates sex in the movies.
Tried it once and the
seat folded up.
It used to be only death
and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.
A Husband Is Someone Who
Takes Out The Trash And Gives
The Impression He Just
Cleaned The Whole House.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
My next house will have
no kitchen --- just vending
machines.
The only thing wrong with
a perfect drive to work is
that you end up at work.
Americans are getting stronger.
Twenty years ago, it
took two people to carry
ten dollars' worth of
groceries. Today,
a five-year-old can do it.
I'm so depressed...
I went to the Dr. today and he
refused to write me a prescription
for Viagra. Said it
would be like putting a
new flagpole on a condemned
building.
Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"
Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."
Princess: "Well I've seen
frogs with spells but, none
as ugly as you."
Frog: "Look, leave me alone
lady. I told you, it's a
really bad spell."
Princess: "Well even so,
if I kiss you will you turn
into a prince?"
Frog: "I don't know lady,
a spell this bad will
probably take a blow job."
A blond woman named
Brandi finds herself in dire
trouble. Her business
has gone bust and she's in
serious financial trouble.
She's so desperate that she
decides to ask God for
help. She begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've
lost my business and if I
don't get some money, I'm
going to lose my house as
well. Please let me win
the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody
else wins it. Brandi
again prays...
God, please let me win the
lotto! I've lost my
business, my house and
I'm going to lose my car as
well." Lotto night comes
and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken
me?? I've lost my
business, my house, and
my car. My children are
starving. I don't often
ask you for help and I have
always been a good servant
to you. PLEASE just let me
win the lotto this one
time so I can get my life back
in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding
flash of light as the
heavens open and Brandi
is confronted by the voice of
God Himself... "Brandi,
meet Me halfway on this. Buy a
ticket."
Angus Broon of Glasgow
comes to the little lady of the
house exclaiming "Maggie,
cud ya be sewin on a wee
button that's come off
of me fly? I canny button me
pants."
"Oh Angus...I've got me
hands in the dishpan, go up the
stairs and see if Mrs.
MacDonald could be helpin ya
with it."
About 5 minutes later there's
a terrible crash, a bang,
a bit of yelling and the
sound of a body falling doon
the stairs.
Walking back in the door
with a blackend eye and a
bloody nose comes Angus.
The little lady looks at him
and says "My God, what
happened to ya? Did you ask her
like I told you?"
"Aye" says Angus. "I asked
her to sew on the wee button
and she did. Everything
was goin' fine but when she
bent down to bite off the
wee thread...Mr. M acDonald
walked in..."
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