"Immersed"
Another night
Most likely the rain is falling
And I've closed the door behind me
Closed the door to you
To your smile and warmth..
Though as you walk away..
My eyes follow right after..
Another night
When I race up to my room
Lean against the door..
Close my eyes and wonder..
Will I ever open the door to you
Instead of shutting you out
Each day and it hurts even more..
And although I think about you
Constantly everyday, more and more..
I can never let you in my heart..
Even though it's more than welcoming
I only wished
These thoughts controlled me
Rather than the bitterness and cruelty
That's shaped me all these years
The pain, that in the most twisted way
Comforts me with its familiarity..
Even though I despise it.
Why don't I betray it?
And give myself a different life..
With you at the center of it.
Not only do I adore you
But I can't ignore what you do to me.
How you can make me betray
The life I've set for myself
For something foreign
Something unfamiliar..
And at times, frightening..
I long to abandon it
Only to be immersed in your pureness
The beauty of life
When it's so wonderful
The beauty of a life
That I've never been able to feel.
Could I ever feel so lucky?
I can only imagine it..
Could I let myself
Into a world where I never had to cry
Because there would
Never be a need for it
A world where pain ceases..
And bliss is just within your arms.
How I can barely imagine it..
Yet with it right at my fingertips..
I fear it will slip away..
And I'll slip back into
This world so familiar
Yet so cruel.

"Lucky It Was You"
It's so sweet..
As sweet as your lips
So does it beat..
My heart for you..
Wondering..
Over your eyes
When I lay beside you
Losing myself in this
Losing myself in you.
The monthes passed by
Feeling like a dream..
So pure and unreal
So hard to think otherwise..
And when I gaze into
Those beautiful eyes
My mind stops for a moment
My heart beats a little slower..
The sound so faint
I can only hear your breathing
And at that moment is when
I could never feel
This happy
Never feel
This calm
In all of my life
Never has a love
Like this crossed my path
Never have i felt this lucky
That it turned out to be you.

"Forbidden Love"
With everything I feared
From the beginning of this cycle
Everything I loved about you
Was everything I pushed away.
From the minute I feared this,
I knew I would lose you
Because I loved you
(In the way I should never)
And I wanted you the way
(I could never have you..)
While my stomach in knots
I can't tell anymore
What I'm crying for..
If I'm losing a love
Or my best friend.

"Could Never Say in Words"
How to begin
Without sounding trite
I want this to be unique
I want this to sound right
How to write this down..
All these feelings I have
This is already sounding lame..
Let me start again.

How many ways can I say
That you mean the world to me?
Every moment that I'm with you
When time seems to stop going
When I look into your eyes
And I see the only world
That I wanna be in
Where it's just you and me.
That moment our fingers touch
Everything around us just vanishes..
And it's so quiet
I can only hear our heartbeats
Or maybe they're just so loud..
Because of how much love
Is pumping through our hearts.

Even as I write this..
My mind wanders off..
Just thinking about you..
Your beautiful eyes
That hold the most beautiful glow
That whenever I look into them..
Everything bad..
Everything that makes me cry..
Just melts away from my body
As my heart melts for you.

And when I'm holding you in my arms
I want to tell you how much I love you..
But I know all the words in the world
Couldn't possibly tell you.

"Beg the Stars"
Does He not know?
It's cause of him
That my mood shifts
And I hide in some
Remote corner of the room.
Desire to be left alone
To sulk in my own misery.
Is there anything he could say?
Not when he wasn't at fault.
But the fault of one who
Has not one thought in mind
To my name, or my being.
And even when His words
Trail off into the air..
(His attempts of comfort)
I hear none of it.
I'm too lost in my mind.
Reminiscing of unwanted pain.
Yes, unwanted.
Because I don't want this-
I loathe it.
The responsibility of suffering
Takes such a great toll
On my life and my heart.
But how can I ignore it?
When every thought of you
Past words and memories
They scream so loud to me
They're impossible to shut out.
Is this fair to me?
I used to think so.
I believed I deserved this.
But after a year
A year of 1,000 tears
And cries to my ceiling
Forgive me for being selfish.
I can't take it anymore.
And the "penance for my sins"
Has well over been accounted for.
So when I lay awake tonight
Ill cry out to my wall
I'll beg the stars in the sky
To free me from this pain.

"Amounted to Nothing"
All the tears I shed
While you were gone
You'd think after so long
They would amount to something.
That they would reveal
Some sort of revelation.
And I would learn from it.
But after all this time
I have learned nothing.
My wasted tears...
Never revealed anything.
Just the pain and suffering
That I've endured so long
Not within reach
Of knowing when it'll end.
A year has passed by
Have I not overcome anything?
Is it just as bad now
As that fateful day you called
That instantly shattered
Every moment in time
Every moment I wasted with you.
To end up like this.
Well then I guess I did
I did learn something..
Love amounts to nothing.
Nor do the all the tears
Wasted crying over it.

"With Your Eyes"
Are you happy to know
That I'm still suffering?
How does it make you feel
To know these tears haven't died
This pain is still looming
Clouding my head each day
Images so god forsaken..
Wishing they would go away.
Does it make you smile?
Seeing my tearing eyes
Staring into the mirror
While you look back at me
Laughing in my face.
Pointing at the disgrace
That's been left upon me
Because I can't heal
It's why I can't sleep at night
While your dreams are so sound..
I'm still wrecked by you
Ripping apart the life in me
You kill me with your memory
You kill me with your words
And your eyes.

"Incredibly New"
The words won't come out
The thoughts aren't straight
But my eyes still know
When the tears create
That somethings wrong
Something, I'm unsure..
I can barely grasp it
When my fingers curl
Around that something
I wish I could define
But the confusion builds
Now that you're mine.

Maybe its fear
That jumbles my thoughts
And twists all my words
When I try to speak
Try and speak them right..
But they don't come out
Just a breath of air
As you ask me again
Again and again..
Just makes it harder
To come out with it.
But does that explain
The tears in my eyes
When I look into yours
Just because theyre' so beautiful.
And it makes the words choke
Inside my throat..
Because Im overwhelmed
By this sensatiable feeling..
When your fingers wrap
Around mine..
Just like this feeling
Wraps around my heart..
Where all my love
Is trying to break out.
But it's too late..
Because it already has.

"Unspoken"
As these words touch my lips..
They're foreign to the air.
They speak not in clarity
The surroundings they're unaware.
This voice projecting the words
Once captive in my mind
Unable to be said in speech
Unable to be defined.
These words scream confusion
Dying as they're spoken.
They ravage the enemy voice
They're gentle with the pen.

"1 AM"
I look at the clock
It’s one am
There’s something about this
That I can’t stand
Losing sight of reality
The fact that remains
The situation so frustrating
A conflict I can’t change
This kills me inside
And I starve for this
You being the one
That I’ll always miss
The feelings I have
They’re all so surreal
With every thought of you
I can’t believe this is real
But I can believe the pain
In all the frustration
Even though I know this..
There’s some kind of temptation
That keeps me here
That keeps me waiting
Until something happens, or..
Until my feelings start fading..

"Something I Can't Chase"
I hold my breath
And close my eyes
I see your face
I fill with sighs
Tears I can't show
Pain I shouldn't feel
Even when I look away
The pain is still real
Avoiding the hopeless
But I can't hide it
The pain so strong
I can't even fight it
And my heart breaks
When I look in your eyes
As you look back
You don't see the lies
Behind the fake smile
Hidden in my face
It's hard to realize you're
Something I can't chase.
I had stuffed it down
I didn't know then
That I'd suffer now
'Cause I didn't cry then
Now it'll take time
'Till I can breathe again...

"Meaningless"
I look back on the years
All the times we shared
Looking back I realize
Those were the only times you cared
Remembering all you did for me
Feelings that once had meaning
I don't see them in you now
It's just a body I'm seeing
A figure that holds no love
Lost all recollection of the past
No thought you have of me
Except that, "It's over at last."
It all seems so worthless now
After all that I've cared for
I realize when I look in your eyes
I don't even know you anymore.

"My Words"
I long to be the one
To show you so many things
That love’s not a compromise
And that any of your dreams..
Can come true, with me
If you could only realize that
When I’m standing before you
You’re looking right at..
The girl that would give so much
Just to see you smile one time
And would show all the love I had
If I could only make you mine..
But this is how it goes..
All my words seem so far away.
I can’t seem to convince you of this
No matter what I do, or say.
You cry of want to take this back
This year you wish you could redo
While your thoughts get more confused
All I can do is cry about you.
To want you so much this whole time
This longing I suppressed inside..
Can no longer be stuffed deep down
They’re now to strong to hide.
This pain will linger, I know..
These thoughts floating in my mind
Until you can finally realize this..
Until you can finally decide.

"Supressed Feelings"
I've been thinking all day
These feelings no long supressed
I thought thet had disappeared
But now I must confess..
They were there all along..
Just unable to break free
And now I'm all confused
Thinking this would no longer be..
Your words brought it all back
And I don't know what to say
And I fear these feelings
For coming back this way
I can hardly put into words
How I'm feeling right now
And I'm scared of them
Because I don't know how..
To handle them anymore
It frightens me to know
I still care so much..
And there's no way to show..
I can't stop thinking of you
And every picture and song
Reminds me of you so much
And hurts me cause it's wrong
Cause it's hopeless to think
I could bring you back now
After all that's been done
These thoughts won't allow
That hope I hear and see
In all that reminds me of you
Because it's been too long
And all we've been through
Makes all these feelings
Lost forever in my mind
With nowhere to go
And no one to find.

"Reflect Upon Me"
On nights like these
I just wana cry
Look at you with anticipation
Out of anger, sadness
I'm not sure why
These feelings still linger
I pretend they don't
I say they'll go away
But I know they won't
I see people everyday
I especially see you..
Your callous demmur
I always knew..
That what I saw
In those eyes..
Were nothing but hate
And all the lies..
That you would hide
From me everyday
It's hard to believe
You treated me this way
But even though when
I build up my wall
Against everything you did
It still will fall..
Everytime I can't think
About all you've done
Before it all begun..

"I Wrote This For You"
Cold in a dead stare
Wrapped in ambivalence
Look at you with anticipation
And only receive your silence
I feel less than half a person
Overwhelmed with this confusion
Angry at how things are happening
Frusterated by his intrusion
On something I thought would be
Not with such a painful result
But now I know the feelings changed
Understanding it's all my fault
Because I can't even look at you
Without the feel of your dismay
You turn your back against me
Your trust that I've betrayed
It lies in front of my feet
Left cold with your care
And your kind reverence
Because I am fully aware
The pain that heavily weighs
In your heart and in mine..
And the memories that attach
Are hard to leave behind..
I write in pure assumption
Not sure of how you feel
But too afraid to ask for
My assumptions may be real.

"Can't Stare Anymore"
Let go he says
It sucks to have to
Although I'll pretend
I still cry like I used to
Is there something wrong with me?
Is it wrong cause I can't?
Or is it wrong if I could?
I stare at the rug
The color starts to blur
Pain falls down my face
Almost delusional nowadays
The thoughts so old and worn out
From my mind and my eyes
I despise the consistant pain
Feels like it'll never end..
It's over, finished..
Get over it and move on..
A tone I almost don't recognize
And yet I figure to myself
Maybe there's no letting up
Only a few monthes of this
For a few years of bullshit
I always did to him..
And then I think, it's too nice..
All this is too nice for a bitch like me.
And then I scream at my reflection
I glare into the mirror
I see myself and I turn away
I'm ashamed of what's staring back..
I'm ashamed of me.
Blah blah blah, I'll change..
Oh yes..
But it doesn't change the fact
You can put it in the back of your mind
The top of the shelf
But you can't erase any of it
Guilt's irreplacable..
I should've known that...
I should've thought twice
I can ramble about this forever
Put myself down till I die
But it's only me I'm talking to
My lonely, pathetic reflection..
In this sad little mirror
That only I can glare at..
Cause everyone else has given up..
And no one else cares..
No one wants to share my reflection anymore..

"Imagination"
I know of a place
Made of secrets and pain
And where I can run to
Get away from reality
In this place I cry
Never hiding a thing
A place I open up
To show how I truly feel
In this place I love made
Of all that I bury is
None other than my mind

"Another Late Night"
Another late night
Tired and alone
Nothing on TV
No one on the phone
Sitting here, quiet
Staring at the wall
Pin-ups of music
Pictures that fall
The empty spaces
An absent photo
Sealed away tight
In a box below.
Memories of words
"I love you," he said.
All are closed away
Underneath my bed.
Staring above me
The absence would loom
Memories that no longer
Float arond the room.
The emptiness is cold
Blankets unable to hide
The regret in this body
The tears that were cried.
The fear, I know
So signifcant now.
How will I rid this?
I'll never know how.

"Because of You"
I've been stupid, I've been selfish
Once only thinking about me
I left you in the shadows
Not caring for what was in front of me.
But that's all over now
Yet I feel so lost in this.
What was I thinking?
Feeling so guilty with every kiss.
If time was erasable
I'd have so much to whipe out.
I claimed so much about you
When I didn't know what love was about.
Sometimes I hate myself, I feel so bad.
How could I be so dumb?
To mess up everything we had.
Just so I could see how far?
How far I could push you?
I was the stupid one not to think..
That you already knew.
I'd love to slash away history
Rip away my arrogance.
How could I not realize
I put myself in this circumstance.
What's done is done
But never again, not anymore.
I can only build on what's left now
And pray someday to have more.
I'll be lucky to ever get that chance
To chance to prove myself different.
To prove I can be me again
Which was always what I meant.
Some people in this world
Never had love, never in their lifetime.
And I can't believe I didn't feel lucky
To have your love be mine.
I brought this on myself,
I understand everything somehow.
There are so many things
I need to change, and right now.
This can't wait any longer
I'll ruin my life if I do.
I've realize what I've become
I know everything because of you.

"Threw It All Back"
I've lost all control
I put everything into what we had
And now it's been lifted
You just threw it all back
I'm sitting here with these feelings
Not knowing how to let em out
So they're all bottled up inside
And I forgot what they were all about
I'm feeling awfully hopeless
Yet I seem to be alone in it
I don't know what else to do
But I'm not gonna throw a fit
This will sit with me now
And probably for awhile
I don't know how long it'll be
Till I can show a real smile
I know there's nothing to do
And this will only change with time
All I can hope for now
Is that happiness to be mine.

"A Fresh Start"
A fresh start
And a clear mind
The happiness we should have had
We soon will find
But for now we will try
And work on things
And hope for the best to come
With whatever the future brings.

"Take My Hand"
Take my hand
And take me across the land..
And show me another place
Where I can only see your face
Cause I don't wanna be afraid
I want all these fears to fade..
Away.

"Untitled"
Your face is so distant,
Yet my love grows stronger.
Even though you're so far away,
My affection will last longer.
Your presence only in my dreams,
And all the memories in my mind.
Yet you'll be here soon enough,
And all that waiting will be left behind.
Even if I see you again,
May it be so rare in the year.
That feeling of wanting you more,
Will fall with every tear.
And the torture that follows along,
With the absence of you here.
Constantly tears apart my heart,
Of how I'll always want you here.
And that voice I hear across the country,
Yet that face I long to see..
Will always be in my mind and dreams,
But never here with me.

"Selfish"
I fuked up pretty bad,
And now it's so hard to change;
All the people I screwed up,
And all the emmotions I rearranged.
Making things easy,
Is so hard for me to do.
When I don't like to hurt people,
So I hurt myself- instead of you.
People just don't get it, they don't even try..
To know what I daily, put myself through.
I may not be miss little innocent,
But if you were so perfect, what would you do?
Break another heart.. Then break into another one,
You think life's that simple?
I try to give so much to other people,
So hard it makes me ill.
To think I try, and people still think,
I'm still the most selfish of them all.
Stop misjudging me, and talking behind my back..
To think if you knew;To think if you saw..
How many nights, I stare at the floor,
Crying about every thing burning a hole into my head.
Over all the people, I think I'm hurting..
All those internet convos under my bed..
They're all real; the words, the pain--
And it's all my fault too.
Cause I just can't be like everyone else...
And pardon myself, to hurt you.

"Complete Me"
You're like a restless angel,
Looking so peaceful while you sleep.
But my heart turns into cold stone,
Whenever I see you weep.
You're like the air wrapped around me,
Everything I am is yours.
You complete that piece of my life,
For you my love soars.
I didn't think it could be done,
But now that found you-
My happiness has bloomed again,
And my miseries are through.

"In Your Dreams"
You don't know me,
but you see me dancing in your dreams.
Your arm is reaching out into the dark night,
You're going insane, it seems.
Your blood is chilled,
Your heart is racing.
You see yourself inside your head,
There's someone there you're chasing.
It's me, the girl who wants you, the girl who needs you,
I'm more fiery than the sun, deeper than the moon.
You yearn to know of my existance,
but you'll never know soon.
I'll just continue, dancing inside your mind,
Calling out your name is vain.
You'll never know, it's the sorrowful truth,
This torture is your pain.

"Breathe"
For so long,
All I wanted was to breathe.
Everything was a pool of tears and fears,
My soul was born to grieve.
No one cared to listen,
My thoughts, feelings, all in my soul.
It turned my heart into a flame,
Burning in an empty hole.
I might not be the only one,
The only one who's suffocating.
The only one who can't see the ocean of dreams,
That everyone else is living.

"Empty Inside"
Crying, screaming, tension,
Fills my head like a flood.
My blood is cold, and my skin chills,
Cruelty in my eyes.
As deep flames burn up my heart,
All I feel is shivering hate.
I try to love, I try to care,
Thats all been destroyed.
The hate in my body,
Pours out like tears.
Like the tears from my eyes,
That drip down my face.
All I see is fake.
I try to run from my sadness, I try to hide it,
But all I know is,
I'll always be empty inside.

"Break Free"
This burning love I have inside,
Pouring from my bleeding heart.
I wish to die, but only kill my heart,
For that's how I'll stop the pain.
The cries from my mind,
The fire in my soul,
It yearns to express how I feel.
My love is great, powerful, and true.
Deeper than the ocean eyes.
Kill the pain, and strengthen my hope,
That I may soon free my thoughts.

"Like A Rose"
When I see a wilting rose,
I feel my heart breaking.
When I see a rose dying,
I feel my body dying.
When a rose's stem is cut, as its life drains,
I feel my drain as well.
When I see those petals falling,
I feel my soul falling.
When I see its dead face,
My heart shatters.

"Over Me"
The world spins around me,
Like a whirlwind of fire.
My eyes dark, my face deepens,
Surrounding my burning pow'r.
The sky feels like its falling,
The ground is rising.
My only escape, when I realize,
I fall to my knees crying.
What I can't have,
What I can't find.
A cruel secret,
Lost deep inside my mind.
So I must lay here,
Knowing I failed my try.
As the world clouds over me,
I close my eyes and die.

"Lie Here Awake"
I lie here, grieving,
Sweat running down my face,
and deeply breathing.
Thoughts are racing inside my tender mind,
The air is sufficating me.
Images of love, lust, and lost,
In my eyes that I see.
The dreams are driving me crazy,
My heart I'm yearning to empale.
I hear my own shivering,
and feel my skin so frail.
O dear Lord, please help me.
I think I'm losing my mind.
I've lost it all, in one painful move,
What's there left to find?
Hope's been shattered,
Happiness has been a lie.
These embearable thoughts will destroy me,
I have no tears left to cry.

"If Only"
If only you could see,
The life lying beneath me.
If only you knew,
The constant suffering I go through.
If only you gave yourself the time,
And dropped your resistance to be mine.
If only your eyes were so clear,
You'd see why I cry all my tears.
If only you'd look above,
And believe in my true love.
If Only.