I'd first like to say that when it comes to private space, I know the issue inside out. Few people have seen my prime real estate because I keep the gates firmly locked. I don't think that this is especially bad-I'm pretty normal, I think. But oh god does it get lonely sometimes. When I was in junior high, the best thing about school getting out was that I could go home and ride my bike. My closest companion at the time was my next door neighbor who, at twice my age, knew me better than even my brothers did. But since he worked, I could only ride with him a couple days a week. Sure, I had my close group of friends at school-and I tried to spend as long as I could with them-but weekends were mine alone. That left many hours for me to fill by myself. I don't regret a single moment, however. The very fact that I cherish those moments indicates to me that they somehow make up a larger part of me than I thought.

But no matter. By the time 11^th grade came along, I craved companionship so bad I almost could consciously realize it. I had a girlfriend, but I still didn't open up very much. We broke up, and by senior year, I had another girlfriend and again, I still kept my doors shut. College came around and I was given a whole new start. After the first year, let's just say I was so fed up and irritated with the shallow relationships I had had that I vowed to change. (cue earth-shaking rumble).

Well, I did change. I opened myself and my heart completely, twice, and got burned both times. What happened? In truth, I haven't a clue. In both cases, my relationship with the particular person was picture perfect-I was at the peak of content. But as the old adage says, it takes two to tango. Okay, no big problem. I obviously wasn't compatible enough for either woman. But even as I write this, there's a huge pounding drum in the back of my head with the word "communication" written all over it.

"Communication" should have a book written about it. It belongs with words like "dude" or "damn" whose meanings change with the wind. What is communication? I think it's the exchange of something between people. You can communicate with words, music, fists, or sometimes all it takes is just a look from my girlfriend (actually just "friend" right now otherwise I wouldn't feel the need to write this) and I know exactly what she's thinking. But communication is not so simple. Anybody can define it, just like anybody can comprehend a set of golf clubs. It's the knowing when to use the sand wedge or that fancy Big Bertha that usually fouls things up. Sure, sometimes the choice is easy: you at the tee, hole just barely within squint range, it's the Bertha all the way. But the choice gets a bit more difficult when you're a little closer to the hole. Most of the clubs in your bag will get you close to the whole-some will shoot you past, some may take a couple swings. But every one of them will get you closer to sinking your putt, so it's valid to assume that any club will do. But try giving Tiger Woods a single seven iron and see how he does on the PGA Tour.

I'm sure some of you can see where I'm going with this, but please bear with me. My aunt told me last year about a study done on a group of professors. The emails passed between the professors over the last 10 years or so were gathered and analyzed, and it was discovered that the professors actually got meaner to each other as time went on. Emails, which started off at letter quality, degraded to short, curt notes, most not even having a proper "Dear" or "Sincerely", and some not even a greeting or signature at all. Yet I would bet my life that if you asked each one to sit down and write a Christmas letter to the other professors, the love and respect they have for each other would shine through brilliantly.

So what does this mean? Initially, it would point to the demerits of technology. That when you can do more in less time, less thought or feeling is put into the deed. But I think it goes further than that. I think that as human beings, we need real and personal communication with each other. Phone calls, email, and even letters and telegraphs to an extent are a good and sometimes almost complete substitute for a real person, and the coming of video phones will shrink the difference between even more. But a substitute is all they are. For me, nothing will ever take the place of having a real person to talk to in front of me. I mean, how can I completely share myself with someone if they are not there to experience it with me? It's all the looks, all the touches, and all the words that are put together to form a complete and real communication. This is the ultimate communication where even the ant crawling on my cuff has a say. So while I may never talk to my cousins for an entire year, our family reunions are always warm and gay events. Of course, phone calls and emails between reunions definitely strengthen relations, it's the actual seeing of people that glue our bonds together.

Does this teach me anything about myself? Well, I guess the obvious is that something convenient to me, may not be so for others. I'm trying to keep in mind that while nothing can replace a person to talk to, other forms of communication are crucial while at the same time inadequate. I also should work on expressing myself and my feelings more. That's communication, too, isn't it? How will I make what I feel known to another person if I keep every reaction to myself and process it over and over until it's sterilized to nothing? But hey, I'm still a college student and a rotten break-up or ten won't kill me. I've got plenty of time.

Jeff