When I was nearing the end of my time at highschool, I made a decision that affected the way I have looked at things for the rest of my life. I enrolled in the Army. I was about a junior when the recruters would first talk with me. They would tell me things like if I did not join that I wouldn't have a secure job, no companies would want to hire me, I would not have any life experience, and things of that nature. At first I blew it off and thought that they were just saying these things to scare me into joining.
It was around this time that I started looking for a part time job so that I could make some extra money to try and go to Fiesta Grande that year (that was the first one I ever went to). I looked and looked for a long time and could not find anything for a job. Finally, after about a solid months worth of looking, I ended up getting a shitty job at McDonalds. I knew it was a terrible job but I took it anyway because it was all I could get.
Obviously, the job was shitty. I hated it every minute I was there and dreaded going to work. I only worked there for 2 1/2 months, which was long enough for me to save the money that I needed to get to San Francisco and go to Fiesta Grande! I actually had a little bit left over for some extra spending but I spent most of that at record stores while I was there for the event.
Once I returned from that I came back to no job and saw very little hope in getting any kind of a better job after that. I started thinking that maybe the rectruiters were right. It started to fuck with my head a lot and as my senior year came close to an end I started getting really worried about what was going to happen in my life if I didn't find some sort of direction.
I didn't see college as really being an option for two main reasons. One being that I had enough trouble being forced to go to high school and I really did not think that I would be able to handle the responsability of willingly going to school on my own. Two being that even if I had wanted to go to college, I did not have the money to go and my family was not in any position to pay for me.
We were in that shitty you're too poor to live the kind of life you want to live but have too much money to get financial aid or government funding bracket so I was pretty much fucked as far as that went. I began to give a lot of thought into joining the Army as suggested by the recruiters. The more I would think about it the better it would sound. Their promises about paying for my schooling and providing me with a secure future and job placement seemed like a total blessing in disguise.
Eventually, I decided to do it. I talked some more with the recruiters at my school who were very eager to have me signed up right away. By the end of the weekend I had agreed to give my time to the Armed Forces on a temporary basis, the Reserves. It didn't seem like much and it promised a lot in return.
I really felt like, for the first time in my life, I was going to do something right for a change, that I was going to make it in the real world. My parents were neither supportive nor against my decision (as they were with most of the things that I did with my life) so I truly thought that I was doing good. I started having a new outlook on my life and saw a lot more promise in my future, which was good for a while. Until I actually had to start going to boot camp.
Obviously, boot camp beats the shit out of you. Everyday I was there it was grueling punishment and it was non stop (or at least it seemed that way). I tryed to keep my mind focused on my future though. I kept telling myself that if I could just get through this that I would be assured to get a good job and make it in the world. As the days would pass my posative outlook soon faded into hatred for a complete and utter lie that I had been told. I saw nothing character building about my experience and I did not feel like I was getting any life experience what so ever. I also did not see how this type of bullshit was going to help me get a head in the business world either.
At first I took this frustration out on myself, mentally more than anything. I would tear myself up inside for what I had done and I felt like an even bigger failure than I thought I would have been if I would have just stayed at my job at McDonalds. This hatred soon manifested from self hate into hatred for others that were in my same situations and those that were causing my pain. I would frequently get into fights with other recruits, both physically and verbally, and periodicly I would talk back and disobey my superior officers (which resulted in even more punishment than I was already being given).
I became the example of the group, the one that the officers would always use to explain what you shouldn't do and I was constantly picked on. Eventually I started getting very upset about this and, once more, focused my hatred in a different way. I decided I was going to be the best recruit there was. In time I started to do everything by the book and be the model cadet, and it was noticeable. Our superior officers took notice and their attitude towards me switched. It also caused more tension between me and the other recruits though. They would become very angry with me because they said that I was trying to kiss up and we would get in fights a lot. Many times I would try not to fight back if I could help it, because I was afraid of getting in trouble.
By the time boot camp was over, I was a completely different person, I had been broken and molded into exactly what they wanted for me to be, the perfect soldier. My only function was to do as commanded and do it to the best of my ability. They put me into a job placement program after that where I would volunteer my time for a small amount of time each month and go do work that I would get paid for. This wasn't exactly my idea of job placement and I was a little upset about this to say the least. But I endured it and kept teling myself that this was just the begining and that this would lead to bigger and better things.
I would receieve small checks that were not enough to live off of at all for doing this work. I didn't understand why things were like this. My parents started getting upset with me and telling me that I wasn't pulling my weight and they told me that by the end of the month I had to be out of the house. So I had to look for another job to cover the cost of living on my own.
I went out to look for a second job with a better attitude, thinking that because of my Army trainging and experience I would get a job easier and get a higher paying job. That was not the case at all. Finding myself a job was no easier than before and many places did not even care that I was a member of the Army. At this point I was very confused about my life. I felt like I had totally thrown away a good portion of my time and been subjected to humiliation and severe conditions for no reason what so ever. I was pissed. I ended up getting a job with a local furniture store moving inventory. They hired me because they figured that since I had been through boot camp I must have strength and that moving sofas and couches would be a field trip for me. Well, it was not, but the money was good so I stayed on.
I moved out with a friend of mine into a small studio apartment that we could barely afford and half of the time we would end up stealing food from grocery stores and shit. I would still go to my Army job, convinced that it would get me somewhere. After some time and some thinking I started to realize that it meant nothing, and that I had devoted my time and energy into something that was based on a lie. I became so unhappy with what I had done that I wanted to sever all ties with the Army. I would periodicly ditch my Army job and call in with lame excuses about my car fucking up and shit like that. I knew that they didn't really buy it but I would always have a person to back me up and would make it seem like it was for real.
Anyway, to make an already long story short, I ended up getting kicked out of the Army, of which I have no regrets. I have read a lot of facts and figures about how the Army does you no good and have come to realize that there are a hell of a lot of homeless Vietnam Veterans around, which makes me wonder if the Army even really does help anyone get a job.
I do think that the Army taught me a lot, in the long run though. It opened my eyes to realities of life and made me realize things about myself. It made me realize that some things are worth fighting, even killing for.
It changed my perceptions on the way that I look at human life as well. There are a good number of people that are into grindcore and powerviolence that are really into mutilated body pictures and I have to wonder how many of them really understand the true meaning of them. I feel that I have been exposed to and seen enough things, most of which has come from my time spent in the Army, to fully comprehend the realities behind what those pictures really mean.
I don't think that these pictures are cool or look at them and think about how brutal they look, but rather I see the pain that the person must have endured in order to end up in that situation and wonder how a person could find it in themselves to do that to another human being, let alone large numbers of people, in the cases of serial killers.
I think that suicide pictures are the most amazing things to me because I put myself into the place of the person that I'm looking at and wonder if I could ever bring myself to do it. Have I felt enough pain in my life to actually go through with something like that? Would I be able to put myself through the ultimate punishment of pulling the trigger and ending everything? I don't know, I just know that there have been many times in my life in which the gun has been pointed to my temple, or stuck in my mouth, and I've had to make that decision, and everytime I can't bring myself to do it. I remember going through boot camp and wanting so bad to find the courage to be able to kill myself and everyone in the room with me in the middle of the night, so that the officers would have to come in to a room filled with masacred people and me with my head splattered all over my bed, but I could never go through with it.
I'm not sure if it's because I know that deep down inside that is wrong, or if I am just too much of a coward to do something like that. I rather think though, that it is because the measure of pain that I feel is more played up in my head than it is in reality. Granted I have been exposed to a lot of shit and had to endure huge barriers of pain, both metally and physicly, but I just can't see them measuring up to that of someone who has actually been exposed to so much suffering that their only option was to pull the trigger and end everything.
I do think that the Army has made me a stronger person, perhaps mentally as well and that would attribute to my above stated ideas on enduring my pain and choosing to live (which can sometimes be more paining than choosing to die I think). I think that the Army did succeed in molding me into the type of person that they were looking for, but in the process made made it possible for me to break free of their mold and use the very same conditioning that they used on me and apply it to making myself never give up on issues that I think are important and worth fighting for.
I would not suggest to anyone to join the Army, in fact, I would encourage people not to because I do think it is a waste of time and very pointless. But I also think that, without my experiences with the Amry, that I might not have the strong feelings and strong will to pull myself through that I do today.
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