An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of
town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed.
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love. Furious he called the artist in.
"What the hell is this??", screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it 'holy cow look at all those fucking Indians."
Four men went golfing together; three headed to the first tee, and one went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man said, "My son is so successful he gave a friend a new home-for free."
The second man said, "My son is so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee.
The first man said, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man said, "Well, I'm proud to say that he's gay, and is doing very well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house,
two cars, and a stock portfolio."
A Vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some
sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about were he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"Okay, follow me" he said and flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went,
across a river and into a Forrest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "now, do
you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES" all the other bats SCREAMED in a frenzy.
"Good " said the first bat, "because I fucking didn't."
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted
everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket,walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put
them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the
stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There
were snails all down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with his very angry wife standing in the doorway, wondering where he's been all this time. He
looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails, and said, "Come on guys, we're almost
there!"
an old man comes home from the doctor and says to his wife that the doctor only gave him a few months to live. His wife says
"that's terrible, anything I can do to make you more comfortable just ask." he thinks for a while and then says " What's in the
box under the bed? You know I promised you on our wedding day I would never ask what's in the box or look in it but with
me having only a few months to live what difference does it make. His wife goes and gets the box then removes the lid and
hands it to him. The old man looks inside and sees three eggs and $100,000.00 He asks his wife "what do they mean?" she says
that every time the had sex and it was not very good for her she put an egg in the box. He's feeling pretty good now after all
they've been married for forty years and there's only three eggs in the box. He asks her about the 100 thousand dollars.
She says "well every time I got a dozen eggs I sold them."
1. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
2. If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
3. Should crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
4. If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
5. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around, is he sSTILL WRONG?
6. If someone with multiple personalities threatens sucide... is it considered a hostage situations?
7. Is there another word for SYNONYM?
8. Isn't it scary that DOCOTORS call what they do "PRACTICE"?
9. If a parsley farmer is sued, do they GARNISH his wages?
10. Would a wingless fly becalled a WALK?
11. Is a shelless turtle, homeless or just naked?
12. Is it true that cannibals won't eat CLOWNS because they TASTE FUNNY?
13. Why do they put BRAILLE on the drive-through bank machines?
14. Do they use STERILIZED needles for LETHAL INJECTIONS?
15. Why did KAMIKAZE PILOTS wear HELMETS?
A small East Texas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla
became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in
heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park
administrators noticed Ed, part time intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any hairy female. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want her to wear protection."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all
jungle animals?" The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great
lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, and slams him against a tree half a dozen times, with the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away.
The lion hollered after the elephant flippantly, "Geez, just because you ' don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."
Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his
shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he
found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed
to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
