BIOGRAPHY              (KINDA)

ok, so you're reading this to learn how i tick, i suppose. or at least why i tick the way that i do. so i'll tell ya, well some of the reasons at least.

I was given the chance to go to Urbana this past year!

20,000 students....i think, maybe more. We were packed into University of Illinois Urbana-Champain campus. People were there from all over the world. The time was translated into at least seven different languages. Ken Fong from California rocks my little world. There was a way cool drama team who did huge chunks of the Bible by memory. I want to do that. Then there was a praise band that was awesome. This couple team and some other people. The violinist was so great. Everyone loved her. She made really cute faces when she played. Then there was also this really super Native American who danced and that was really beautiful. All in all my time was incredible. If you get the chance to go next time, do not pass it up. Go!

I've got a lot going on in my life as of lately. I'm dealing with a lot of emotions that I've never had before. Just the feelings themselves comfuse me and on top of that the stuff that they are about. Sometimes I wonder if boyfriends are really worth it. Are any friends really worth it? I mean, look at my dog, Licorice. He listens to me; he is affectionate; he is cuter than anything! I just don't know. I don't think it's worth all of the pain you cause. Guys have really delicate feelings, especially mine, and I hate hurting him. But I do it all the time. That makes me want to leave so that I'm not hurting him. But, in leaving, I'm hurting him more. So then it's just the lesser of the two evils. But then I think about myself. Why am I in this relationship? It's not just because I can't live without someone. I can, I have, and I will again, if need be. So, what is the reason? Then comes a scary thought. Maybe it's because I know what I am. I know what I am like. I know that if I am not with a guy I will whore around. I'm staying with him to keep myself from making a mess out of my life. But why do I think that is the was that it is? Why do I think that I'm missing something. I don't know. Maybe I see where he's been and who he's been with. And here I am, I've never had another boyfriend. I keep telling myself that I have, because I've kissed guys. So, I tell myself that I don't need the heartache that comes with boyfriends. I tell myself that he is the best because he is one of the best kissers. But... I keep doubting myself. And that makes me angry. You see, he doesn't diserve this. He's a great guy. Really great. Everyone tells me that. And I tell everyone that. I know this is a fact. He is a great guy. He gives me everything that I could ever want and ask for. My head is so full of noise. I'm scared to death of the time when he is going to pop "the question." I will say yes. I know that I will. And I will not get a divorce. I know that too. When I first told him that I would date him I guess I just hoped he would loose interest in me. But he hasn't. No, in fact, he "loves" me more. I cry when I think about living without him. He is so perfect. Yet, something doesn't feel right. I don't know what it is. I keep looking. I keep waiting. We broke up a few months ago. I felt releaved actually for a minute. I felt like finally I had peace that he wouldn't hurt, or hurt me, anymore. Not that he hurts me, don't get me wrong. It hurts me to watch me hurt him. And I know I do. Not a week goes by when he doesn't bring up the fact that he can't trust me, or that he thinks I flirt with every guy in pants. That hurts. So, when he broke up with me, I felt at peace. Then I opened my mouth and I heard the same words come out of my mouth that I told myself I would never say. I told him that I wanted him back; that I needed him; I told him I needed him; I told him that I couldn't live without him; and I said all of this through tears. How I hate that. Crying is the worst. Ever since then I've just sat online at night and cried. Just about every night. Why did I say anything? It's because I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to hurt. But, no matter how hard I try, I keep doing it. So, in the end. I find that I should never have started dating. That is the one regret that I have in my life. That and not being able to committ suicide.

I got to go with my love and two of my best friends, and we met another one of my best friends there!

I had an awesome time God really hit me in a lot of amazing ways. I have no idea what heaven is going to be like, but for right now I'm going to continue to imagine it as Urbana all year 'round!

I am not exactly what I am going to do after I finish college. I will have a degree in Business Communications when all is said and done. I'm kicking around the idea of moving to the great peachy state of Georgia. I have some friends who are bugging me to death to move up to Philly and run lights up there. I'd love to go to NYC or Yonkers. I've always wanted to live in Yonkers. Maybe it's just that I love to say that word. hehe. I wouldn't mind staying here, if I could get this theatre to make my possition a full time one. If I end up marrying the formentioned boyfriend, I will be moving to the sunny state of Arizona. Whatever I do I need to decide rather fast. I next semester is my last. I will be graduating in the winter. I am not going to walk though. I did that once. I don't know what I was thinking when I graduated from high school!! I was an idiot. Now here I am graduating from college. I guess that makes me an even bigger idiot now, huh?

Guess life has a way of working itself out, huh? Saturday September 29, 2002

Here is the wedding that I was in on New Year's Eve. Aren't they cute?