Rebellion
Butcher's Market Emotions
See Me Free
Untitled
Words Spoken Soft Where There Is Pain
Here
Haven
And soon you will be gone
What now?
Alone
Why do you yell
Better
Here I am
I need
On love and the lack there of
9/29/01
There you go, hating me.
All the lies you said to me.
I promised for always.
You promised forever.
All I hear now is the empty word never.
I wish I could see you and hold you tight
If not for "forever" than just for tonight.
You said you loved me
I know that's a lie.
Cuz loving's not hating, no matter how hard you try.
But I love you as always and if time's what you need
I'll stay here forever and just cry and bleed.
I'll be here forever but you won't come back.
It's alright with me, becase I love you that much.
You'll soar and you'll fly, but you won't keep in touch.
And I'll watch from a far and wonder and wish.
But I love you always and I want you to see,
That where ever you go is a big part of me.
4/6/02
Please don't love me
I'm not who you think.
I see that look in your eyes
my heart starts to sink.
don't finish that sentence, don't even begin
please don't love me it's just a whim
i can't love you
i don't know how
no i don't want to learn
i can't anyhow
it's not the same for me as for you
for you life is real, for me it's a zoo
your feelings will leave, mine will stay
mine will stay until that day, oh that glorious day
so please don't love me,
i'm not who you think
i'm sorry to tell you and make your heart sink
but i can't not ask, so please just stop
maybe i'll change some day, but probably not
9/22/99
Come language.
Pour from my pen.
Tell all of the pain within.
Hold back nothing from those around.
Tell them all of my heart that's bound.
Show the pain in words that hurt,
words that burn the eyes of the reader,
words that caution those who will heed her.
Pen words that show how deep the pain;
burning deeper than acid rain;
deeper still than a hidden knife;
into my heart pouring out my life.
The pain you placed inside my heart
burns hotter than a firey dart.
It burns my throat.
I cry only fire.
I shower in ice.
Living without me would be so nice!
My shomach is naught but a ball of fire
screaming to me that you were a liar.
How do I keep on going each day?
I don't know,
I must find a way.
The pain inside you will never see.
I will look for your love and just be me.
9/22/99
I'm getting my tounge pierced,
I think today.
Maybe I'll take up smoking.
JUST STAY AWAY!
Do you know of a good bar around?
Somewhere that I won't be found?
The pain, it hurts,
I want it gone.
Maybe I should sing some dumb love song.
Maybe some hard core rap would do?
I really don't know what to do.
I thought my friends would be here for me
Maybe I'll turn into a monkey and just climb a tree!
What's that about flying a kite?
I can walk the streets in the middle of the night.
I feel I am in quite a stew
And I don't know what to do
I hurt inside
Oh won't you listen!!
I want to pain to go away.
I want it to be gone today.
Nerves on edge, raw.
My blood pulseing through my body,
Pulverizes my energy
And drains all life from me.
Do I tell you?
Do I say what you mean to me?
It hacks at my heart like a cleaver.
My eyes, blood red from lack of sleep,
Scream at you.
Do you want to know?
Are you shallow?
Does your blood run thin
Where mine runs thick?
Sometimes when you look at me
My heart feels like it is
In a butcher shop window,
Ready for you to see all of the flaws
Then walk away.
Sometimes it feels as though it is
Locked in the freezer,
Not seen, or even thought of.
My heart, just slab of unfeeling meat?
What am I to you?
Do I tell you what you mean to me?
Do I tell you that I am alive
Because of you?
3/1/Y2K
I don't know the words to say
the feelings I felt today.
I don't have a tune to sing
to take away the sting.
you left.
I watched you walk away.
I didn't know it would be today.
I knew that this thing
would turn out to be a fling.
then done.
But when it all comes to an end
I am left without a best friend.
The someone who knows me more
has just walked out the door.
Never you'll return to me.
Now how can I be free?
The feelings you've left with me
I know you will never see
me
free.
4/Y2K
Patience tried
Hope died
Feeling tied
I'm alive
How can I do it?
Why muddle through it?
Something is still missing
Still I can not sing
If only I had a wing
Aways from the pain I'd fly
I never wanted the fame
Just to be the same
Still wanting to be free
Wanting all to see me
Yet I must rebuild my life
Will there be much strife?
What will change?
This is all so strange.
3/99
Words,
One word.
Spoken
Taken in so many ways.
Said in anger?
Or just taken that way?
Spoken to pun?
Or to wound an open soul?
Verbalizations to instruct? construct? destruct?
Knives at a bleeding heart.
Kicking what's down.
Soft,
Oh, for a soft caress.
A word to stop the pain.
Where?
There?
There, where soft words never were.
Harsh words: "There is hope."
Is
Where is it?
That place never sees true hope,
Only pain.
Pain
The sight of flesh curling away from a wound - my heart.
Acheing, yearning for healing.
That which injured is that which holds the cure.
Will it be accepted?
Spoken in love?
Or just taken that way?
Out of desperation for a soft, caressing word,
One wish,
One desperate plea for
Words spoken soft where there is pain.
Here I am
Humming this tune again
Where will this ever end?
What am I
That you would hear my cry
come here and dry my eye.
Here I am
Singing this song again
Why won't you bring an end?
What am I
To think I could ask you to
Do what you can not do.
I want it to be done.
When will it be more fun?
I knew what I had to do.
But now how can I be true
to
you?
12/15/99
Here I am in this place of rest
Alone with myself
And happy to be
Feeling the sense of just being free
The comfort, the space
How I love this place
This place where my life resides
My body may come and go from this place
But ever my heart remains
Here in this haven
Here in this place of safety and quietude
12/9/99
And here you come into my shell
You bring you chatter and crush my silence
You bring your laugh and break my thoughts
Yet soon you will be gone
and a ray of sunshine is never unwelcome
And soon you will be gone
11/18/99
I thought that we were done.
I thought that is was over.
We couldn't move ahead.
We couldn't put our shoulder
into what was here
and still come out together.
But here you are now,
Asking to be let back in.
I see the pain you've caused
but can't see the pain you're in.
Has all of this affected you?
It's brought me to my knees.
It's taken years from my life.
Do I let you back in?
Will you hurt me again?
10/17/99
Just a minute ago you yelled at me
Just a minute ago you stomped
Just a minute ago you crushed my will
Just a minute ago you hurt
Now you want to be best friends
Now you want to laugh
Now you want to go on
Why don't I say "fat chance"
I don't want to laugh with you
Not after this
I don't want to do something now
I want to heal my heart
You break me down
Then want to go back
I will not be the same
I keep haveing to change
Every day you make me harder
Every day you hurt me worse
I don't want it to be like this
Just let me alone
Don't mock me when you've hurt me
Just let me heal alone
11/17/99
I don't understand your logic
I don't understand your demand
I don't understand your logic
I don't understand your stand
How can you yell and be all angry
Then point the finger and tell me to stop arguing
I don't understand the double standard
I don't understand the doubletalk
Why don't you put into practice all the words that you preach
How can you yell and yet tell me talk quieter
Why do you keep the abuse going, yet tell me to stop it
I don't know where you're coming from
You don't listen to my side
Why do you keep it going
Can't you see it killing me inside
I want to cry to show you the pain
I hate the anger
I hate the scream
Just answer me calmly
And give me the why
Then everything will be better and I won't cry
10/14/99
This is the way that it should be
This is the way that we need it to be
You are smiling, you make me smile too
This is how I love to see you
I hear your voice,
I see your face,
This is the way it should be
This is the smile that I want to see
7/99
Here I am looking for answers
Here I am searching for truth
Here I am growing in Him
There you are dying
Here I am laughing and singing
Here I am learning
Here I am making the friends
There you are crying
Here I am loving the people
Here I am loving the land
Here I am having a good time
There you are a lonely man
Here I am missing you
Here I am longing
Here I am crying with you
There you are dying
Here I am dying with you
Here I am longing
Here I am growing in Him
Here I am crying
7/99
i need to talk, but i don't have the words.
i need to talk, but are you willing to listen?
i need to cry, but i don't have the energy.
i need to cry, but will you laugh at my confusion, at my destress?
i need a hug, but the only arms that are here are my own.
i need a hug, but are you to busy to stop and give one to me?
where are you? will you listen? can you feel the sorrow in me?
i can't even see the keys through the tears on the brim, wanting to overflow.
but, you are there, looking at this, not seeing me, not able to touch me,
not even able to hear my voice.
you can't hear the waver. you can't hear it crack.
you can't hear how my voice betrays my emotions.
you can't see my eyes, you can't see the tears, you can't see the confusion.
you can't see how your words have brought me to my pathetic knees.
oh the knees, these knees which i thought were so strong,
now they fail me .
hold me up, please hold me, just hold me, let me cry.
let me tell you what hurts, where it hurts, how it hurts.
i need a hug,
i need to cry,
i need to talk.