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Saturday 24 Oct 1998
This receipt was in my wallet, and has been the source of much anguish. It's been in my wallet for a few weeks, and lately has been my bookmark for the novels I've been reading. The anguish emanates from a single thought that would consistently come forth each time I saw it.
This receipt, from the night out with Paige & Jud on my birthday, marks "The end of the happy times."
This was the last time we went out truly carefree and happy, before any hint of this crisis. We'd gone out for my 31st birthday to Jupiter in Berkeley, and saw a fun latin jazz group called the Habanero Quartet. We couldn't have been happier.
Now, a scant 35 days later I find myself on the other side of happiness looking back. The end of the happy times. I hated my mind for spitting forth that thought every time I saw the receipt. Yet I couldn't throw out the receipt. Or I guess I didn't want to. I wanted to keep it as a reminder of that perfect time when Paige & I were only 1 month engaged and our life together was so huge in front of us.
I kind of clung to it once this all really started with the surgery, etc. For the past 2 weeks I could not shake the feeling that this would not last, that Paige would die. I couldn't hold a thought in my head of the future, any thought of the future that included Paige because it felt like I had to make up the story to include her. I don't know why I was so fatalistic. Perhaps it was my mind trying to protect itself by preparing for the worst. I even hated myself for allowing my mind to think that she might die, as if my thinking it would cause it to happen.
I never allowed any of this to be visible to Paige. I tried to be a pillar for her.
Now the story takes an unexpected twist. Paige did die last night, only she came back 3 minutes later. That kinda resets the emotional clock a bit. Now I just don't have any "gut feelings" about what might happen next, and it's probably best that way. I'll just keep being there for her.