This is a letter I wrote to Paige's sister Kelly in which I relate some experiences that I had during the Christmas Eve services at Mission Springs Community Church, approximately two weeks after Paige had passed away.
[Back]05 Jan 2000
Hi Kelly,
I'm putting this in a letter since it was easier to figure out what I wanted to say this way. It's a good news sort of update, but one that is difficult to articulate. Also, I've been stressed about calling people back (don't ask, it's probably some weird thing I'm going through right now) so writing is much easier. Now this does not mean that you can't call me, in fact that's fine. I just don't seem to want to be responsive to voice mails/whatever.
Anyway, the point of this letter is to relate to you an experience I had the other night at Mission Springs Community Church (MSCC). I felt so good about it I had to share it with you, especially since you've mentioned how hard of a time you're having with Paige's passing and all. I'm having a hard time too, but I seem to be getting a ton of help from the outside in the form of people and also what seems to be directly from God. While that may sound strange I can explain it no other way. First on the people front - it's hugely beneficial to have folks around that actually like me and care. I don't know if you have access to a church as friendly as MSCC but if you do I'd encourage you to go. While I don't necessarily like to talk about it with strangers, having people come up to me and tell me how much they liked her and how they care about me too does add up. After like the 10th person does that sort of thing it seems to finally register in your head "I'm not really as alone as I thought." That's not a place you can get to by yourself - it takes other people (much as you hate to admit it it's ok to depend on others - Paige hated this since she was so independant but became OK with it after a while).
As for the God thing, the experience would probably have to be classified as one of those 'religious experiences' you read about. I volunteered to sing in the Christmas eve choir the week before, and had been to a practice. As I practiced the songs at church, and with the tape in my truck I had this strange sense of joy creep into me, little by little. I kept wondering why should I feel happy at a time like this, 2 weeks after my wife passed away? Yet I could not escape the feeling of a benevolent presence with me every time I sang. I said to God as I practiced "just use my voice to fit into the choir and make others feel good about you, I'm not doing this for personal gain" and with that I became more open than I was before. This sensation kept growing until the night of the service. During the service I was so happy while singing that I could not help smiling. Again, I'm wondering how is it possible that I can be this happy at a time like this? Then as the service progressed and our singing was over I was sitting in the audience listening to the rest of the stuff going on. At some point Tyra got up to sing (she sang at Paige's memorial). During that song everything came to a point and hit me like a truck. I felt so full of joy and life I thought I'd burst. The message was so strong I could not think or do anything except wipe my eyes as they began to tear, yet it was not at all sad. Then the sensation of "It's OK" was given to me mixed in with all that joy and love. It was so strong I could not feel sad about Paige because I was being told that it is ok. This experience definitely did not originate from within my own imagination, either. I know the difference (hey, 5 years of kung fu and meditation do teach you some things about that). This came from beyond me, or should I say from all around me and through me and filled me, or other words. I can't explain the sensation other than to say it washed through me and filled me so full I could not move or think. I was overloaded. We got back up on stage for one more song to close the service and I had to struggle to keep my eyes from watering while I sang (happy tears again). There were 2 services, and this all happened to me starting halfway through the first service and kept going through the second service and did not stop until I went to bed that night.
How does this apply to you? Be open. Do things with other people. There is probably a message of reassurance for you too but you've been too busy to hear it. I can't imagine that God would help me so personally but deny you. I didn't get to that point though until I had committed to doing something to help others, then asking God to use me to help them not further my own ego. At that point it seemed I was ready for help coming back to me.
To this day that event has changed me. I'm also glad I'm writing this down because I'm going to save it to make sure I don't forget any of it. My sadness for Paige still exists and it's still very hard sometimes, but thinking about the events Christmas eve makes my pain almost all go away when I really focus on it. God told me it's OK. That's the best way I can say it. And after being hit with that lightning bolt on Christmas eve I truly believe it. That's what I wanted to share with you.
rob