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Friday 09 Oct 1998
"There are some events that divide your life in two, everything up to that point, and everything after. And from that point on your life will never be the same." - Denzel Washington, from the movie Fallen. Paige & I saw that movie last September and that quote struck me.
Who'd have thought such a moment awaited me a month later. I can no longer see beyond this weekend. Who knows where I'll be in a year, or who will be there with me. All I care about is that Paige is there with me.
Paige had her first surgery today, and they confirmed it's cancer. They use sterile, clinical terminology to describe the procedure - she was "debulked" today, meaning that the vast bulk of the cancer was removed. Based on what they had to remove it's now a certainty that she won't have children, and certain other bodily functions now require assistance. I don't care about all that, I just want her.
Life is day to day now, in a literal sense for Paige and in an emotional sense for me. I simply cannot conceive of a life without her. She so thoroughly permeates my life and my thoughts that I miss her on a 1 day trip away from home. My ability to envision a happy future requires she be in it. Let's hope & pray this is the curable kind.
As hard as it is for me to handle this, let's not forget she is the true hero. She went under the knife today and must fight this battle. I can help her spirit, and who knows, maybe more. She must still continue to fight.
I've always felt lucky to have her in my life. I hope to be lucky a while longer. This place needs more Paiges in it. This is not meant to sound fatalistic or assume any certain outcomes, I just have a lot of emotion coursing around my body and I need to get it out. I hope to look back on this in a half century, and read it to Paige and the generations of kids brought up through our adopted or surrogate children, and to look back on it and smile. With her.