Well after much thought, I've decided to keep an online writies log thingie.
At first I thought the idea was gay, very gay,(everything is slightly gay or slightly grouse) because so many other people have one, and I didn't want people to read it.. but fuck it, no one comes to my web page anyway, So, I'm going to do it, because writing hurts my hand, and I always lose the pages, and keeping it on my computer is now not safe anyway, because it hates me, horrid hatred, like the type of hatred that can only be compared to love.
so here I fucking go.
Tuesday, 18th of september, 2001
Jesus, all I've done is type the date, and now as the whole thing seems formal I have nothing to write..
What happens between the transition of thoughts and words that decays the beauty?
fuck
I shall start here, I am studying at tafe, i guess i dont hate it, i guess i dont love it.. i definetly need more of a social life in sydney, apart from stevie i mean. fucking strange feelings i dont want to be there and i dont understand
I can't stop crying.
but its odd, i hate the idea that i can not control my emotions.
i dont like the idea of someone seeing me cry,even more.i dont want them to think i want comfort i dont think thats what i need., and i dont think i could deal with that, and i dont want people to think im all soft and retarded. steves watching a movie, and i can't deal with it, i realy dont want to go psychotic, everyone from lismore seems to go psychotic, i cant wait till misty gets here on sunday.
I love misty blue, shes the best friend I have ever had, why she was so good to me i dont know because i was a fucking bitch for a little while, i seemed to want some 'alone time' what the fuck?!?! i stopped smoking pot when we were living together, i drank quite a bit, and had to listen to tupac and some other rap, but it was pretty sweet all in all.
god i wish i had some pot now.
I like pot because = It makes me stop crying, it makes you nice and numb, it makes me happy, it makes me creative.
I hate pot because, it makes me retarded, it makes me antisocial, it makes me numb, it makes me stop feeling, and occasionaly it makes me hate.
jesus reading this makes me think, what a suicidal sounding fucking moron, but im not, i could never, and i wont. Im not even depressed or anything, im just a little bit sad/upset .
what the hell was that all about? okay so a few hours later i feel better, not to mention a few codienes later.. and *now* my teeth start to ache, why must i have teeth? why must i have crappy speed, too much crap food, affected teeth.
anyway, im a bit insomniated, non sensical? well fuck you
i duno, there isnt a word for it i guess, i just cant sleep, i feel like im wasting time, i dont stay up for days and days or anything like i used to when i was like 14 and shit, but i have a problem with sleep. i have a problem with the fact i have to get up in the morning and do shit, so i can sleep at night and get up and do shit, are days only incorperated into life to make it meaningfull, or just fucking irritating?
I tried to go to sleep, just lying next to my naked stevie.. but couldnt, i lye there watching him sleep, listening to him breathe, his breathe is so sweet, and he has this calming kinda smell, i duno people have their smells, i remember beck used to say i smelt like something sweet, like sugar, but i used to consume a fuckload of sugar, so maybe thats the logical nonsence behind it all.anyway, he looks so cute and beautifull i just want to make him stay like that forever.. actualy the first time i realised i was truely in love with him was when he was sleeping.. on the crapola red couch he loves so much he wont throw out, and i cant bring myself to make him throw out, i think he was sick, just got out of hospital from drug od or some shit, and i was watching over him to make sure he didnt die... or something :shrug: i dont know.. anyway i started to smile and from then on whenever i think of him sleeping it makes me smile, maybe im psychotic, maybe im not. but i think a lot of peoples true beauty comes out when they are unconsious to that around them.
i wish i could still draw, then i could sit up at night drawing pretty eye candy to make me happy... but when i was about 15, people started to say how good my drawings were, and that i should be an artist.. and asking for me to draw them pictures, and the fact that people like the shit i was drawing :shrug: whats wrong with you crazy peoplies?
im tired.
i spend too much time on the puter late at nite, doing stupid shit, like playing solitaire vegas style untill i finish, and typing shit, and writing retarded emails, and drawing stick figure deaths in paintbox.
:smile:
i should be sleeping.
repeat mantra to self : I do not need a downer to sleep: a hundred and fidy thousand million billion katrillion zillion fillion fucking times
GO TO SLEEP GISELLE YOU'RE SCARING THE CHILDREN!!
and i bid you, nities nites.
hey diddle diddle..
what another fun and games and exciting day..
I got to book an apointment for the cat to get desexed because hes fucking irritating and wants to fuck and meows realy loudly and wakes me up in the morning after nearly no sleep and it realy realy PISSES ME OFF
then steven gets annoyed at me for yelling at the cat in my half asleep, 4 hours sleep, mind, " SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID FUCKING CAT YOU STUPID BOY ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS FUCK" or something similar.. and says he feels like the comment is pointed towards him? what the fuck?
what has he got a guilty conscious or what?
anyway, bois are like that, so are some girls, but anyway
I need to get pot, but im lazy, dont want to go to wollongong and steve doesnt wanna drive.. crapola.. "SAVE ME IM IN HELL"
listening to nin.
Love you
Taste you
fuck you
use you
Scar you
break you
Hurt me
Hate me
Smash me
Erase me
Kill me
KILL ME
lah de dah, I better have one fucking sick arse weekend this weekend, cos I am feeling skratchie to have some happy happy fun land adventures.
Hmm listening to mozart.
i fucking adore this music
My grandmother said she used to feed me mozart and bach from a young age, so it was probably her doings, warping my mind and brain washing
That would be cool, to have a child and fuck with their personality and see if they grew up different, but only if you had a time machine i guess,so you could go back and un-create them if they suck a lot of arse, or become a junkie from you being a twisted parent..
but then it defies moral and all that other mindual universal law,and a whole bunch of christians would probably come after me with pitch forks and poke my eyes out, and that would be hurties and i would get pissed off and start a revolutional war against god and damn it, i would kick its arse..
(Beware the powers of a piggy tail wearing, pink loving, peoplies hating, Little Miss Zel.)
well fuck that. i want my personality warped peoplies!!
and On that note, i bid you bi bi cos my mind is scratchie for pot and i wanna.
Thursday the 20th of sept. 2001
JESUS!!!
yes, im here yet again typing mindlessly cos im not fucking tired and i have nothing to fucking do and steven goes to sleep earlier and earlier everynight man he sleeps more than i used to when i was living in wollongong, and i slept a fucking lot, (Hail sir sleepalot)
Anyway, today i spent like 5 hours painting in art, finishing my alice painting, it worked out pretty shitty, but i guess i am proud for it is my creation..
hmm.. me thinks i need to wash my hair, only i am shit broke and have no money for ditioner or shampoo, damn. i think its been a month or so..
Anyway, as my life has been pretty fucking boring, and im waiting for misty to tum up, (on sunday yay) so i can have someone to do stuff with
i think its been, what? a week since ive had pot, and even so, i only had a tiny little bit, and before then it was a few weeks, im doing pretty well
but SWEET BLEEDING JESUS, (hehehe) i would kill mame and disfigure for some right now, damnit i would even send a dollar a day to a starvin marvin if i could get some pot, why am i so lazy? why do peoplies have to live in stupid gay wanky fuckin retarded wollongong, (oh yes, because the city sucks molto cunto)
Thats another thing thats getting to me, i am so sick of the city, i hate it, i despise it, its making me sick, literally, and im stuck here till i finish this stupid fucking tafe course, and there are so many fucking wankers at tafe its inconceivable, its unbearable, fuck! shit!,fuck!
I can not fucking wait for misty to get her arse here, i am going to go out and get drunk and dance, and probably, go to psychology.
i type to much here, and im realising i am going to have to archive this with clicky clickies, and thats gay, i need another past time, solitaire is getting me down.
fuck.
help me im in hell
"There is no such this as bored, only People that are either, (a)To stupid to think of something to do, or (b)Too fucking lazy to do anything but sit on their arse and whine" Lior- Mr Liam.
the cat is whining at me.
maybe he knows that tommorow it shall become an "It" rather than a "He" poor thing, its cruel if you do and its cruel if you dont
anyway, as it seems i have a pretty boring life at the moment, which is why im typing this, but its non sensical, cos if i was having way more fun, i wouldnt be typing this, and typing this is boring shit??!?!
I have to go get a catscan tommorrow, cos the doctor thinks i may have an aneurysm (s?) or a brain haemorage, no i am not kidding. i get realy horrid headaches. :shrug: i need special medicinies pot the C word "CONIES"!!!!
AHHH fuck it, im going to go hit my head against the wall till i get tired nuf' to go sleepies.
NITE NITE!!
Monday the 24th of september
been stoned.. motivamation lackitavaion, :shrug: its my birthday soon, in a couple of hours infact, mmm stingy blury vision is cooo.
im just going to put this pretty pikyture up here now.
Clicky hnyah My Birfay my BiR bIR bir BIRthday
MM astro boi.. wasnt he prety.im going to get nice and sloshed tomorow, misty was sposta be getting here at 6 in the morning, then her mum called and said she wasnt coming up at all, then misty called back saying she would be gettin on the bus tonite, then calls back and so shes aparently coming up on wednesday, thas cool i guess, i shall find other means of amusement for the day, i dont want to be 17, next year i shall get everyone i know to watch reruns of lady lovely locks and rainbow brite and sailor moon and astro boy,
mmm coloured popcorn.
mmmmm ciggerette nicotene calls OH yes
i forgott to mention, i cut off a shitload of my hair, at present it is very short, very very short, but all is well, i am going to be bleaching it at dying it pink with black bits tomorow, should be interesting.. havnt changed my hair that much for a few years, and plain black hair was getting old.
well tah tah, i needies go smoke Conies!! and dream of midori! and choffee choffee mmm and skotch and bacardi and mm daquiri and lushness shall go
NITE NITE!!
ooh YES!!, hewo to stevie my bewtifull little stoner boi..
hehehe, who would have thought..
Monday 8th of October,2001
I feel nauseated.
i hate the feeling of waking up and feeling sick cos you got a crappy hangover from the other day from drinking crappy alcohol.
well anyway, ive had a pretty rad holiday,sippi came to visit, got tequila, got too sloshed, steve laughed at me, richard smoked pot inwhich i thought he was allergic too but :shrug: he passed out, and me and nigel kicked the shit out of eachother
went doofin' wearing a pink tu-tu, and white satanik kittie dress.. got called a punk bitch- very highly amusing as im not a punk- got vodka, got too sloshed outside (aka me an misty sculled both half bottles) and somehow scammed our way in without ID. beautifull work..and infected mushroom kicked arse.
oh yes and didnt even, make it to night breed the night after.. considering i didnt even know where the fuck is was?-blah, and um i have to go back to tafe today and i dont wanna..
im looking for another place for me and my stevie boi to live.. maybe a terrace place or sumfin.. something bigger than this apartment for it drives me insane.
Tuesday 16th of october.
crappy day
couldn't sleep last night, can't sleep now
something doesn't feel right
unablity to put my finger on it so to speak
i think im down
where as I have been up
fuck
having to smoke from Mr wastey cos my bong is broken =(
oh well shit happens
inablity of speach
sorry im stoned.
nothing to say realy, its all been a bit same old same old, well not realy, but fuck writing anything, misty says its my turn to go visit her and i hafta after halloween.. which reminds me NO FUCKING BLUE PVC ANYWHERE!! bastards at spot light, how could you deny such a valid and noble fucking cause!! (such as the need to make a alice in wonderland dress out of blue and white pvc and white lace.. need... dress... buckles for boots... mmm boots..
well i think i shall go to sleep now, i have tafe in an hour and a half, but FUCK that, i hate tafe, its gay, it makes me psychotic, the need to fuck people in the eye with screwdrivers is unbearable and going to class makes me nauseated, well not this bad i guess, but FUCK ITS BORING
Fuck have to do fucking fuckity fuck fuck homework.. many asignments due.. fuck.. due.. fuck... work.. fuck.. that anyway
this is fucked, this page is gay, it serves no purpose to anything, im thinking about taking it down, yes, yes i shall , but not right now, right now i have to go sleep.
bi bi
wednesday November 28th,
Holidays soon, oh the joy
a few problems linger in the wake however,
Stevie got a puppy, and as cute as she is, shes so fucking high maintanance
shes driving me psychotic but itll all be worth it i guess..
another thing, living with "friends" not a good idea, living with a partner is different, because although they may have annoying habbits ..ect you love them so you put up with that, flatmates ..ect and they're annoying habbits /frame of mind you dont have to be dealing with. hmm.
Not sure of the prospects of this sitch.. im not coping very well, i would prefer to be living alone, (with stevie thought, ofcourse) its just weird i guess. being a 'couple' or whatever you wish to name it, and living with someone else.
ANyway, i think i need chill out time, and that is what i shall get, Going down to lismore for christmas, get to see the family and friends ..ect.. and presents mm presents
in a much too horridly serious mood, i need to be able to be free and happy.
k bye.
Wednesday the 9th of january 2002.
back again
incredibly stoned right now, Must remind myself to stop smoking sometime
Well my holidays were pretty fucking sweet, got to goto the mecca and drink choffee, and see emma, Find out my old best friend misty isnt realy a friend anymore, I don't know what the girl thinks shes doing, but its not very coo, shes not who she was when i lived with her, end of story.
anyway, stevies puppy is fucking monsterous. It keeps stealing my stuff and hiding it, grouse,
didnt actualy make it to dalwood or marom as i think we both smoked too much pot , maybe because of the fact it was around 38 degrees everyday, i know that doesnt sound hot, but when its 38 degrees *Inside* heat, you know if you go outside anywhere between 9 or 10am and 7pm you will melt, and you cant sleep properly at night because its still 38.
steves parents have airconditioning.
twas nice
althought i hate hot weather because you have to wear comfortable shit, Have too, no iffs or buts, you cant run around in corsets and huge boots, and layers of stuff, no pvc , no point putting on makeup because you will sweat and look like a fuckwad.
so apart from looking like a total hobo running around in peticoats and boxers and swimmer tops curtosy of the little sister. i had a lot of fun
planted some seeds the other day, the little bastards are refusing to germinate aparently.
anyway, I am deciding if i should go and do year eleven, or whether i should work for the year.
thats enough of this updating crap, must get back to, stuff.
Tuesday 23rd of april
Just got back from a week of holidays at my mums place, started off shitty because mums a psycho (where else would I get it from?) and is doing uni and is totally stressed and shit, and I guess I tend to "rub people up the wrong way" reminds me, a teacher described me as "abrasive" once, but anyway in other words i cant help being a smart arse and saying stupid shit at innapropriate times, good thing I got a lovely filth oz and some other nice stuff to smoke, so I get to have conies for awhile.
Anyway, Im back a few days and I'm already stressed out, well I guess using steves puter and seeing the porn that was used lately while I was away pisses me off, I wouldnt care as much but I know he used my apricot oil and it gives me the shits because mum gave me that stuff and I can't afford to replace it, and james is constantly here and its fucked and I want to go home again, Fuck man, I should move out but I don't mind living with steve, but I fucking hate sharing a house, its fucking stupid. It smells.
Its my little brothers birthday today, I gave him $50, It was a shitty present, money presents are crap. (I HATE THEM) but I guess with relo's its ko, cos i would have probably got him some pokemon bs and have him go uh zel pokemons not coo anymore.. ect.
cats nagging for attention
I have tafe today but im not going. Im not finished with holidays quite yet..
my neck hurts. Everything seems pretty shitty. Im going to go get stoned and mope and think about the lack of desire to see anyone, I didn't meet up with anyone in lismore because I didn't want to, It seems emma doesnt realy want to be my friend anymore because I live so far away and never get to see her, its sad cos we had a lot of realy fun times during the AHS crap, and the fact that I have friends in wollongong but I don't want to see them, it scares me, cos I used to want to go out constantly and im usualy very social, Steves not, I better not be catching some antisocial disease. No I don't think so, I think everythings just freakin useless.
::off to mope and chop::
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