1994 New York Theater Workshop Rent Lyrics
1. VOICE MAIL #1 (phone rings) ROGER & MARK Speak! DAVE (into phone) Roger, it's Dave, (to customer) $4.50, (into phone) this is the last time you've left me without a bartender (to customer) two Buds (into phone) don't bother coming in next week (to customer) rolling rock(into phone) you're 86ed! (phone rings) ROGER and MARK Speak! MARK'S MOM That was a very loud beep. I don't even know if this is working. Mark? Are you there? Are you screening your calls? It's mom. We wanted to call and say we love you and we'll miss you tomorrow. Cindy and the kids are here, send their love. I hope you like the hot plate just don't leave it on dear, when you leave the house. Oh, and Mark, Your father got a call from Chemical Bank, I don't know how they got our number, but we meant it when we said that you're cut off. Love Mom. (phone rings) ROGER AND MARK Speak! BENNY Dudes, it's Benny. I know it's Christmas, but I need the cash. Something big, I'm on my way. Don't block the box a-hole! Later... 2.RENT MARK If I threw my body out the window, brain all splattered guts all steaming in the snow, I wouldn't have to finish shooting films that no one wants to show! Rent! ROGER If I studied something that paid a salary wouldn't have to do the shit I do for cash My guts all steaming, fuck this dreaming, speed, metal rocks, songs for the trash MARK The wheels aren't turning. ROGER It's worthy of burning MARK & ROGER How we gonna pay? How we gonna pay? How we gonna pay? Last month's rent! ROGER If I took a hammer, tapped my forehead, wouldn't have to wake and stagger through the week, or hear a boring, grinning, whoring, brainless, dull producer speak Rent! MARK If I slid the bars back, hurled my body through the cracked glass on some crack-head's cardboard bed, Maureen could kick my frozen frame, shout my name, and then drop dead! ROGER She's got a new man? What's his name? MARK Joanne MARK and ROGER How we gonna pay? How we gonna pay? How we gonna pay? Last month's rent! 3. YOU OK HONEY? ANGEL You OK, honey? COLLINS I'm afraid so. ANGEL They get any money? COLLINS No! Had none to get. But they purloined my coat - well you missed a sleeve! Thanks. ANGEL Hell, it's Christmas Eve. MAUREEN That's the stage, Joanne? Kiss! Remind me when I stress forgive me. JOANNE That was last Tuesday night, Maureen. ANGEL I'm Angel. COLLINS Indeed, an angel of the first degree. Friends call me Collins, Tom Collins. Nice tree. 4. RENT #2 ROGER If they toss my carcass in the dumpster, my fingers wouldn't bleed and blister and scar. My head wouldn't pound from the sound of garbage streaming out of my guitar. MARK If I killed myself or studied business, no more parents spitting up on my career. So are you showing? Where's this going? Home for Christmas? MARK & ROGER Not this year! MARK We're hungry and frozen ROGER Some life that we've chosen! MARK & ROGER How we gonna pay? How we gonna pay? How we gonna pay? Last month's rent! This month's rent! Next month's rent! Rent! Rent! Rent! Rent! Rent! How we gonna pay rent? How we gonna pay rent? 5. YOU'RE A FOOL ROGER You're off? MARK You wanna wait here for Benny? ROGER Is there anything else to do? MARK Anything but Maureen's show ROGER You wanna go? Yes? MARK I guess ROGER For someone cool, you're a fool MARK I know. ROGER But her show's not `til one. MARK We'll do something else, it's Christmas. ROGER Oh fun! Some of us don't have time for that. MARK Aw! ROGER Some of us get writer's block. MARK What a crock ROGER Some of our parents don't pay our bills! MARK Mr. Negative, cuz he's HIV Positive! ROGER You can't know, give me some latitude. MARK Maybe you're blocked because of that attitude. ROGER I doubt you'd be so brave. Hell, you're scared to see your ex. MARK I'm a chicken shit. A hypocrite. I admit. ROGER I rest my case. For someone cool you're a fool. MARK Let's make a deal ROGER No deals MARK I'll see Maureen if you come out tonight ROGER I don't fit in anymore, all right! Anyway, I'm working. ROGER It's scratchy MARK It recalls something, but it's catchy ROGER The inspired zone of my brain has atrophied but I need to leave a mark before I croak. MARK Not funny! ROGER No joke! I wish that I could turn the days I wasted toying with dope fiends and groupies into days spent obsessing over details, the way that you do. MARK If you only knew, I spend so much time obsessing, it's depressing. For someone cool, you're the fool. You want to rediscover the spark, leave a mark, share something with someone. Face your fears! ROGER What's that I hear? Maureen, did you say? MARK Touche MARK & ROGER For someone cool, you're a... (knock on the door) Shit! (another knock) Hi!(another knock)The lock!(another knock) Damn! 6. TODAY 4 U MARK & ROGER Bustelo - Marlboro, banana by the bunch! A box of Captain Crunch will taste so good COLLINS And firewood! MARK Must be Santa Claus! COLLINS Hold your applause. MARK & ROGER Collins! COLLINS Playing Anne Frank with your landlord? Better have some Stoli MARK & ROGER Oh holy night! You struck gold at MIT? COLLINS They expelled me for my theory of Actual Reality, which I now impart to the couch potatoes at New York University. Gentlemen, our benefactor on this Christmas Eve, whose music is the purest on the bow'ry, I believe. A true member of the Alphabet City avant-garde! Angel Dumott Schunard! ANGEL Today for you, tomorrow for me Today for you, tomorrow for me! COLLINS And you should hear her beat! ROGER You earned this on the street? ANGEL It was my lucky day today on Avenue A, when a lady in a limousine drove my way. She said, Darling, be a dear, I haven't slept in a year, I need your help to make my neighbor's yappy dog disappear. This akita, Evita, just won't shut up I believe if you play non-stop that pup will breathe its very last high-strung breath. I'm certain that curr will bark itself to death Today for you, tomorrow for me! Today for you, tomorrow for me! We agreed on a fee - a thousand dollar guarantee, tax-free, and a bonus if I trim her tree. Now who could foretell that it would go so well? But sure as I am here that dog is now in doggy hell After an hour, Evita, in all her glory, on the window ledge of that 23rd story, like Thelma & Louise did when they got the blues swan dove into the courtyard of the Gracie Mews Today for you, tomorrow for me Today for you, tomorrow for me! I said: Today for you, tomorrow for me! Today for you, tomorrow for me! 7. DO A LITTLE BUSINESS BENNY The checkbook, Allison, the checkbook, Allison, the checkbook, not my datebook, for the money, Allison, honey, Allison, the batteries are running out of gas! Just find me, Allison, the checkbook, Allison, otherwise Allison, it's my ass! And so this is Christmas. Oh ho ho ho, dudes Feed the world, let them know it's Christmas time. Hey you bum! Yeah, you, move over. Get your ass off that range rover! Boys I'm double parked. MARK Benny BENNY How's your project? - Good. MARK You yuppie scum. BENNY How's your project? Good, you've worked how long? MARK Six years. BENNY And for what? MARK That's not the point BENNY You kill me! Six years, Allison, since I blew this dump. What'd I make a million? I just did a little business MARK Did a little business BENNY What's wrong with that? BENNY I bought the building. MARK Bought the building. BENNY I bought the lot next door. I bought another. COLLINS And another. BENNY And now I need to buy one more. COLLINS Just like Monopoly. ANGEL I love Monopoly, I'll be the dog. COLLINS I`ll be the hat. MARK What's next? Little green houses? COLLINS Plastic houses. ROGER A little red plastic hotel. BENNY A video franchise. MARK, ROGER, COLLINS & ANGEL Video franchise? BENNY The deal your rent will underwrite, one last building on the block, then sell. Cough it up! Tonight's my night! And tell Maureen . . . MARK We aren't speaking. BENNY Her protest better end by two, we're putting in fences. COLLINS On Christmas Day? BENNY That wasn't me. MARK, ROGER, COLLINS & ANGEL Then who? BENNY It's none of your business. MARK None of our business? BENNY Tonight your business is the rent MARK & ROGER Yeah COLLINS That your jeep? BENNY My Range Rover. ROGER Perfect car for urban play. BENNY We use it too, to get away. MARK East Hampton is just like the outback. COLLINS L-i-e, like a safari. ROGER We should buy one. MARK We should buy two. BENNY Now then. ANGEL Now then. COLLINS Buy ten. MARK, ROGER, COLLINS & ANGEL Bye-bye! ROGER Wait, what happened to the Jag? BENNY With the wife and the dog it was a drag. ANGEL Oh drag, what kind of hag, I mean dog, do you have? BENNY Evita's an Akita. MARK,ROGER, COLLINS & ANGEL Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! BENNY Gotta do a little business MARK Do a little business BENNY Can we? MARK & ROGER We can. BENNY November, December, January. Brings the sum to... ANGEL I can't believe that they are out on Christmas Eve! BENNY What? ANGEL A tow truck. BENNY The city needs the reven... A tow truck? You fuck! A tow truck, Allison, a tow truck, Allison, A tow truck, tow truck, tow truck, Allison, A tow truck, Allison, A tow truck, Allison, A tow truck, tow truck, tow truck, tow truck, tow truck 8.FEMALE TO FEMALE MAUREEN Female to female, female to female, female to female. Joanne, we said female to female. When we left the house, what cable did we say to pack? No, that's a headphone jack. JOANNE Yes, Maureen. MAUREEN No, the plugs are red and black. JOANNE Yes, Maureen. MAUREEN Did you check the knapsack? JOANNE Yes, Maureen. MAUREEN Then you'll have to go back. JOANNE I guess, Maureen. MAUREEN We said RCA. JOANNE Uh-huh. MAUREEN We said RCA. JOANNE You're right. MAUREEN To connect the sampler to the digital delay. JOANNE Let's not get uptight . MAUREEN To run from the amp to the video display. Am I such a dumb cow? JOANNE No! MAUREEN Should I take poison now? JOANNE No! MAUREEN God, this is going worse than we expected. JOANNE I know, Maureen. MAUREEN How can I perform if we're unconnected? JOANNE I'll go, Maureen. MAUREEN It's times like these, I really appreciate Mark. 9. COME TO THE MEETING/ HE SAYS MARK Now's our chance ANGEL Mr. Finance lived here?! COLLINS Before the real estate career. MARK We can't stay ROGER Benny was a dilettante, Benny met a debutante. Go ahead, I'll catch up. MARK No way! COLLINS Come to the meeting ROGER What meeting? ANGEL He lived here? COLLINS Support group - P.W.A. MARK Benny'll be back, come! ROGER I don't need 12 steps MARK I know. Benny, he'll make us pay MARK & ROGER For someone cool, he's a fool . ROGER He kicks us out, we move, so what? COLLINS But, where? Do you know? ROGER I got a car, so as far as April's bucket'll go, Santa Fe, Austin... MARK We couldn't make Boston! ANGEL April? MARK Suicidal girl who od'ed. He says he loved her, what he loves is to bleed. Over two years since she left that car key, but he never drives it. ROGER That's enough ANGEL Dinner's on me MARK First the meeting, then Maureen's show. ROGER See you at the restaurant. MARK But the meeting! (Roger hits Mark) Oh! He says he'll meet us at the restaurant. He says he wants to stay and play his guitar, he says. He wants to be obsessed with art like me, he says, he wants to re-develop the creative side of his brain, he says, he doesn't need support groups. ROGER I say he'll bring his camera. MARK He says he doesn't know why I go when I'm not sick or queer. ROGER But it's to make a career! MARK He says he doesn't think that love is possible anymore . ROGER It's not! ROGER & MARK One day I'll/he'll fix that car she left me/him and fly. MARK I don't believe a word, I don't believe a word, I don't believe a word he says 10. RIGHT BRAIN ROGER Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this night... The right brain, how do I find the right brain? I lost my map. The right brain, it's when I get locked in Find, the right brain, like driving north, Pacific Coast Highway from San Simian to Big Sur. Find the right brain, the sight of the sky, the right brain, the sound of the ocean, the ocean. Find the right brain, hugging the curves, the right brain As the sun sets. The right brain, through the trees into the sea Time flies! Time dies! Right brain, can't find the right brain! I can't find the right brain, right brain, Find the right brain, like driving her head over the edge of the bed. Breathing the only sound. Find the right brain, the touch of her skin, the right brain the sound of the ocean, the ocean Find the right brain, hugging the curves the right brain as you enter the right brain through her thighs into the sea Time flies! I never needed to concentrate before. Time dies! (a knock on the door) The door 11. LIGHT MY CANDLE ROGER I'm not going! MIMI Got a light? ROGER I know you? You're...you're shivering ... MIMI It's nothing, they turned off my heat, and I'm just a little weak on my feet Would you light my candle? What are you staring at? ROGER Nothing! Your hair in the moonlight ... you look familiar Can you make it? MIMI Just haven't eaten much today, at least the room stopped spinning, anyway. What? ROGER Nothing, your smile reminded me of... MIMI I always remind people of . . . who is she? ROGER She died. Her name was April MIMI It's out again, sorry about your friend Would you light my candle? ROGER Well... MIMI Yeah. Ow! ROGER Oh, the wax it's... MIMI Dripping! I like it between my... ROGER Fingers! I figured. Oh, well. Goodnight. (another knock) It blew out again? MIMI No! I think that I dropped my stash! ROGER I know I've seen you out and about, when I used to go out. Your candle's out. MIMI I'm illin' I had it when I walked in the door It was pure! Is it on the floor? ROGER The floor? MIMI They say I have the best ass below 14th street Is it true? ROGER What? MIMI You're staring again! ROGER Oh no! I mean you do have a nice,I mean, you look familiar MIMI Like your dead girlfriend? ROGER Only when you smile. But I'm sure I've seen you somewhere else. MIMI Do you go to the Cat Scratch Club? That's where I work I dance. Help me look! ROGER Yes! They used to tie you up! MIMI It's a living. ROGER I didn't recognize you without the handcuffs. MIMI We could light the candle. Oh won't you light the candle? ROGER Why don't you forget that stuff? You look like you're sixteen! MIMI I'm nineteen, but I'm old for my age! I'm just born to be bad! ROGER I once was born to be bad. I used to shiver like that. MIMI I have no heat, I told you! ROGER I used to sweat. MIMI I got a cold ROGER Uh huh, I used to be a junkie MIMI But now and then I like to... ROGER Uh huh MIMI Feel good ROGER Here it, oh, no. MIMI What's that? ROGER Candy bar wrapper MIMI We could light the candle. MIMI Oh what'd you do with my candle? ROGER That was my last match MIMI Our eyes'll adjust, thank God for the moon ROGER Maybe it's not the moon at all. I hear Spike Lee's shooting down the street. MIMI Bah humbug, bah humbug ROGER Cold hands MIMI Yours too. Big, like my father's. You wanna dance? ROGER With you? MIMI No, with my father! ROGER I'm Roger MIMI They call me, they call me, Mimi. 12. CHRISTMAS BELLS HOMELESS MAN Christmas bells are ringing Christmas bells are ringing Christmas bells are ringing Somewhere else! Not here 13. VOICE MAIL #2 MAUREEN Hi, you've reached Maureen and Joanne. Leave a message and don't forget Over the Moon, my performance protesting the 11th Street re-zoning. Tonight at 1 am in the 11th street lot between A and B. Party at Life Cafe to follow. (BEEP) MR. JEFFERSON Well, Joanne we're off. Call Daisy for our itinerary or Alfred at Pound Ridge, or Eileen at the state department in a pinch We'll be at the spa for New Year's - unless the senator changes his mind MRS. JEFFERSON The hearings MR. JEFFERSON Oh yes Muffin,Mummy's confirmation hearing begins on the tenth We'll need you, alone, by the sixth for the briefings and the luncheon on the eighth. MRS. JEFFERSON Harold! MR. JEFFERSON You hear that? It's three weeks away and she's already nervous! MRS. JEFFERSON I am not! MR. JEFFERSON For Mummy's sake, Muffin, no Doc Martens this time, and wear a dress. Oh, and Muffin, have a merry... MRS. JEFFERSON And a bra! 14. FEMALE TO FEMALE #2 MAUREEN Did you check the hall? JOANNE I Checked MAUREEN Underneath the bed? JOANNE Right MAUREEN At the studio, no RCA's, and we're dead JOANNE Hang tight MAUREEN The cops are clearing out the lot by morning JOANNE It's true, Maureen. MAUREEN We'll lose our shot, my piece could be a warning JOANNE What should I do, Maureen? MAUREEN It's times like these I really appreciate Mark JOANNE I heard you before MAUREEN How can someone so bright, be so utterly in the dark? JOANNE Look, no more! Isn't it enough that I scratch your every itch? MAUREEN Bitch! JOANNE Isn't it enough that I pay for all of this? MAUREEN Kiss! JOANNE Isn't it enough that I put up every day with a temperamental, selfish, abusive, MAUREEN Sexy! JOANNE All right, sexy... MAUREEN Talented, brilliant, JOANNE Infuriating, MAUREEN Funny! JOANNE (something)immature... MAUREEN Post-modern goddess! JOANNE And oh-so modest MAUREEN Kiss me! JOANNE I adore your eyes, I adore your eyes MAUREEN And my lousy reviews JOANNE And your lousy MAUREEN Hey! JOANNE It's one little pen MAUREEN I know JOANNE So The Times ain't a rag MAUREEN Oh no JOANNE One day they'll beg to carve a statue of you! MAUREEN I love you more each day JOANNE I love you, Maureen! MAUREEN RCA! On the table, if you love me run home and bring back the cable! JOANNE I hate you, Maureen! MAUREEN Run! JOANNE Yes, Maureen. MAUREEN If you fly I promise I will kiss you in a thousand places JOANNE The mind races, my queen. MAUREEN The feet race, the feet race, go! JOANNE Go over your speech. MAUREEN Go home or I'll screech! JOANNE & MAUREEN Female to female, female to female MAUREEN My speech: Last night I had this,shit! This what? This dream. Last night I had this dream,last night I had this dream, last night I had this dream, last night I had this... female to female 15. ANOTHER DAY ROGER Who do you think you are? Barging in on me and my guitar Little girl - hey! The door is that way You better go you know the fire's out anyway Take the powder, take your candle, your sweet whisper I just can't handle! Well, take your hair in the moonlight, your brown eyes! Goodbye, goodnight! I should tell you, I should tell you, I should tell you, I should...no! Another time, another place, our temperature would climb there'd be a long embrace. We'd do another dance, it'd be another play. Looking for romance? Come back another day! Another day! Another, another day! Another, another day! MIMI Your pain I see.Your heart's been burned You're just like me, before I learned! There is no future, there is no past. I live this moment as my last! There's only us, there's only this Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way. No day but today! ROGER Excuse me if I'm off track But if you're so wise then tell me, why do you need smack? Honey, get real. Here's the deal: It's time for you to book, I mean look you're cute but I don't buy that schpiel. Take your needle, take your fancy prayer, and don't forget get the moonlight out of your hair! Long ago you might've lit up my heart, but the fire's dead ain't never ever gonna start! Another time, another place! The words would only rhyme, we'd be in outer space It'd be another song, we'd sing another way. You wanna prove me wrong? Come back another day! Another day! MIMI Your anger's real, but just beware. It's a waste to feel, that fate's unfair. There's no such thing as tragedy I can't resent what's meant to be There's only yes, only tonight We must let go, to know what's right No other course, no other way! No day but today MIMI & COMPANY I can't control my destiny! I trust my soul, my only goal, is just to be! There's only now. there's only here. Give in to love, or live in fear. No other path, no other way no day but today... ROGER Control your temper She doesn't see Who says that there's a soul? Just let me be! Who do you think you are? Barging in on me and my guitar! Little girl, hey! The door is that way The fire's out anyway! ALL No day but today! No day but today! No day but today! No day but today! No day but today! ROGER Take the powder, take the candle, take your whisper, take your moonlit hair! Take your brown eyes, your pretty smile, your silhouette! Another time, another place! Another rhyme, a warm embrace! Another dance, another way, another chance, another day! 16. CHRISTMAS BELLS #2/ THREE HOMELESS PEOPLE Christmas bells are ringing! Christmas bells are ringing ! Christmas bells are ringing! Out of town! Santa Fe! SQUEEGEEMAN Honest living, man! Feliz Navidad?! HOMELESS PERSON Evening, officers. MARK Smile for Ted Koppel, Officer Martin! HOMELESS PERSON And a Merry Christmas to your family POLICE OFFICERS Right!! HOMELESS PERSON Who the fuck do you think you are? I don't need no goddamn help from some bleeding heart cameraman My life's not for you to make a name for yourself on! ANGEL Easy, sugar, easy. He was just trying to... HOMELESS PERSON Just trying to use me to kill his guilt It's not that kind of movie, honey! Let's go! This lot is full of motherfucking artists! Hey artist - got a dollar? I thought not! 17. SANTA FE ANGEL New York City! MARK Uh huh ANGEL Center of the universe! COLLINS Sing it girl! ANGEL Times are shitty! But I'm pretty sure they can't get worse. MARK I hear you ANGEL It's a comfort to know, when you're singing the hit-the-road blues that anywhere else you could possibly go after New York would be a pleasure cruise. COLLINS Now you're talking! Well, I'm thwarted by a metaphysic puzzle And I'm sick of grading papers - that I know And I'm shouting in my sleep, I need a muzzle All this misery pays no salary so, we'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe Oh sunny Santa Fe would be nice! We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe! And leave this to the roaches and mice. ANGEL You teach? COLLINS I teach, Computer Age Philosophy! But my students would rather watch TV ANGEL America! ALL America! ANGEL I preach! MARK Hallelujah! ANGEL I beat the drum of apocalypse, like orchestras on sinking ships COLLINS America! ALL America! COLLINS You're a sensitive aesthete, brush the sauce onto the meat. You could make the menu sparkle with rhyme You could drum a gentle drum I could seat guests as they come chatting not about Heidegger, but wine! We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe! ANGEL, MARK & HOMELESS PEOPLE Santa Fe COLLINS Our labors would reap financial gains ANGEL, MARK & HOMELESS Gains, gains, gains! COLLINS We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe! And save from devastation our brains MAN Save our brains ALL We'll pack up all our junk and fly so far away Devote ourselves to projects that sell We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe COLLINS Forget this cold Bohemian hell COLLINS Do you know the way to Santa Fe? You know, tumbleweeds...prairie dogs...Yeah 18. I'LL COVER YOU MARK Oh my God! COLLINS & ANGEL What? MARK Maureen! Quick, don't look. Is she with anyone? ANGEL You said not to look. MARK Shit! COLLINS She's alone. MARK That's it. (MARK exits) ANGEL We'll never be that desperate COLLINS You'll never have to be ANGEL I've been hearing violins all night! COLLINS Anything to do with me? Are we a thing? ANGEL Darling... we're everything! Live in my house, I'll be your shelter. Just pay me back with one thousand kisses Be my lover! I'll cover you! COLLINS Open your door, I'll be your tenant Don't got much baggage to lay at your feet But sweet kisses I've got to spare! I'll be there! I'll cover you! BOTH I think they meant it when they said you can't buy love Now I know you can rent it! A new lease you are, my love, on life, be my life! Just slip me on I'll be your blanket. Wherever, whatever, I'll be your coat! ANGEL You'll be my king, and I'll be your castle COLLINS No you'll be my queen, and I'll be your moat! BOTH I think they meant it when they said you can't buy love. Now I know you can rent it,a new lease you are my love, on life! All my life, I've longed to discover something as true as this is! COLLINS So with a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you With a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you ANGEL If you're cold and you're lonely! You've got one nickel only! With a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you! With a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you COLLINS When you're worn out and tired when your heart has expired BOTH Oh lover! I'll cover you! Oh lover! I'll cover you! 19. WILL I? SOLOIST Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare? GROUP #1 through 4 in round Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare? 20. YOU'LL GET OVER IT MAUREEN It's times like these I really appreciate - Mark! Dear, I'm so glad you're here! Honey, baby! You've lost some weight...I mean you've always looked great. MARK I try Maureen. MAUREEN Back when we used to date. MARK You lie Maureen. MAREEN Now let's not get irate. MARK Why Maureen? MAUREEN Joanne ran for the cable but of course she's late. MARK I don't know why I even try Maureen. MAUREEN My samples won't delay, but the cable... MARK There's another way! Say something, anything! MAUREEN Test 1-2-1-2-3 ! MARK Anything but that. Tell me what it's like MAUREEN What? MARK With a girl - tell me what it's like for a girl and a girl. MAUREEN No way! MARK Tell me - or I walk away. MAUREEN It's amazing! MARK Who's on top? Who wears the pants? Who leads when you dance? Give me one more chance Maureen! This is just a phase like girls and horses! And you never even wore flannel shirts! You'll get over it! MAUREEN How's it going? MARK Not good - I'm depressed. MAUREEN I meant the sampler. MARK I'm adapting - repatching! MAUREEN Thank God! You're the best! MARK Ha! MAUREEN Don't be depressed! Tell me how you've been! MARK Why? MAUREEN Cause I care - tell me how you've been! God time flies! MARK Don't patronize! MAUREEN Tell me! We used to be friends! MARK I'm lonely, bored, and horny!!! MAUREEN Is there no one new? You need a mate! It's not too late! Have you even had one date? Boy, you just need some time then you'll be fine Mark! Anyway! I treated you like dirt. You'll get over it! Just remember what you hate about me! Though it may be hard. MARK How can you be so content without me? How can you disregard all we had? MAUREEN Dysfunction! MARK All we said? MAUREEN I'm over men! MARK All we did! MAUREEN I slept around! MARK And you will again! Tell me what you'll do! MAUREEN When? MARK When you're bored! Tell me what you'll do when you tire of girls! MAUREEN I wont! MARK I'll tell you - you'll run back to me! MAUREEN Your fantasy! MARK You always do! MAUREEN Don't hold your breath! MARK I know your kind! Always change your mind! MAUREEN Don't be so blind! Can't you see? All my life I've known who I was meant to be! MARK But you never even liked KD Lang! MAUREEN You'll get over it! MARK This is just a fad that will fade! You'll get over it! MAUREEN You just need to get laid! You'll get over it! In time we'll laugh about this! You'll get over it! MARK In time you'll beg for my kiss! MAUREEN Don't bet on it! MARK Try it now! MAUREEN You'll get over it! ("You'll get over it" echoes) Grrr! MARK I call this cause for hope! MAUREEN I would call this platonic - don't grope!!! (JOANNE enters) Honey! You're back! Uh - we're patched. 21. CHRISTMAS BELLS #3 HOMELESS Christmas bells are ringing Christmas bells are ringing Christmas bells are ringing Somewhere else...not here MAN Honest living, honest living, honest living. . . HOMELESS Christmas bells are singing Christmas bells are singing Christmas bells are singing On TV-at Sach's Can't you spare a dime or two? Here before the grace of God, won't you? You'll be merry, I'll be merry, Tho merry aint in my vocabulary No sleighbells, no Santa Claus, No yule log, no tinsel, no holly, No hearth, no Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, No room at the Holiday Inn-Oh no! And it's beginning to snow VENDERS Hats! Bags! Shoes! Boots! Mountain bikes! Potpourri! Leather bags! Girlie mags! Tommy guns! AZT! MAN No one's buying! Feel like crying. HOMELESS No Visa, no Mastercard, no Am-Ex, No traveler's checks, no dollars, No cents, no Frosty the Snowman, Frosty the snowman. No room at the Holiday Inn-Oh no! And it's beginning to snow! WOMAN How about a fur? In perfect shape! Owned By an MBA from uptown. I got a tweed broken In by a greedy broker who went broke and then Broke down! MAN Something something ya baby WOMAN I got twenty yellow, French-cut trenchcoats worn by Warren Beaty in a movie for real! I got cashmere, or if you're Thinking cash, dear, if you've got the cash, we're here to deal. COLLINS You don't have to do this ANGEL Hush your mouth, it's Christmas COLLINS I do not deserve you, Angel! Give, give, all you do Is give give me some way to show how you've touched me so ANGEL (same time) Wait! What's on the floor? Let's see some more? No, No, no no. . . Kiss me, it's beginning to snow MARK She said "Would you light my candle" and she put on a pout And she wanted you to take her out tonight? ROGER Right. MARK That's great! ROGER She was more than OK, but I pushed her away. It was bad-I got mad, and I had to get her out Of my sight. MARK Wait, wait wait! You said she was sweet. ROGER Let's go eat. I'll just get fat It's the one vice left when you're Dead meat. No kisses... MARK I saw Maureen. . . ROGER No alcohol MARK She's in the lot. ROGER No sex MARK She's still my care ROGER Look that's her there MARK Where? ROGER There. That's her. MARK Maureen? ROGER Mimi! MARK Wo! ROGER I should go. BOTH Hey it's beginning to snow. COPS I'm dreaming of a white, bright Christmas MIMI & JUNKIES Follow the man. Follow the man. With his pockets full of the jam. Follow the man. Follow the man. Help me out, Daddy, if you can! Got any D Man? THE MAN I'm cool MIMI & JUNKIES Got any C man? THE MAN I'm cool MIMI & Junkies Got any X any smack Any horse any Jugie Boogie Boy Any blow? I'm willin' I'm illin' I gotta get my sickness off. Gotta run, gotta ride Gotta gun, gotta hide-gotta go! MAN I know (?) ROGER Hey MIMI Hey ROGER I just wanna say MIMI What? ROGER I just wanna saw THE MAN Hey something, you're in my space. I shoulda known that familiar face. Where ya been buying? Some other place? Is this your lovely lady? Lookin good, Ace! ROGER I just wanna say, I'm sorry for the way MIMI Forget it ROGER I blew up. Can I make it up to you? MIMI How? ROGER Dinner party MIMI That'll do. THE MAN Hey loverboy, cutie-pie, you steal My client-you die! ROGER You didn't miss me, you won't miss her. You'll never lack for customers! JUNKIES I'm willin' I'm illin' I gotta get my sickness off. Gotta run, gotta ride Gotta gun, gotta hide-gotta go! THE MAN And it's beginning to snow! MAUREEN Joanne! JOANNE Alright, Maureen! JUNKIES Got any C man? Got any D man? Got any B man? Got any Crack? Got any X? VENDER L.L. Bean, Geoffrey Beene Burburry zip out lining ROGER Mark, this is Mimi. She'll be dining with us. VENDOR Here's a new arrival THE MAN That is an ounce VENDORS Hats, dats, bats COLLINS That's my coat! VENDOR We give discounts MARK I think we've met ANGEL Let's get a better one COLLINS It's a sham MIMI That's what he said THE MAN I said it's a gram! COLLINS But she's a thief ANGEL But she brought us together! VENDOR Shoes, boots, screws, no (?) COLLINS I'll take the leather HOMELESS & VENDORS (from book-may not be actual lyrics) Christmas bells are swinging Christmas bells are ringing Christmas bells are singing In my dreams. Next year. Once you donate, you can go Celebrate in Tuckahoe You'll feel cheery I'll feel cherry Tho I don't really know that theory No bathrobe No steuben glass No cappucino makers No pearls, no diamonds No Chestnuts roasting on an open fire Chestnuts roasting on an open fire No room at the Holiday Inn-Oh no! COPS I'm dreaming of a white Christmas Just like the ones I used to know Jingle bells-prison cells Fa la la la la - fa la la la la You have the right to remain Silent night holy night Fall on your knees oh night divine You'll do some time Fa la la la la Fa la la la la JUNKIES Got any C man? Got any D man? Got any B man? Got any X? Crack? I'm willin' I'm illin' I gotta get my sickness off c-d help me follow the man follow the man follow the man jugie boogie jugie boogie Follow the man follow the man Any crack any x any jugie boogie boy Any blow any x any jugie boogie boy Got any D man got any C man Got any X any jugie boogie ANGEL and VENDOR (back and forth) 25 15 25 15 25 15 No way! 24! 15 24 15 Not today 23 15 23 15 23 15 It's old! 22 15 21 15 17 15 15 SOLD! MARK& ROGER Let's go to the lot. Maureen's performing MIMI Who's Maureen? ROGER His ex MARK But I'm over her ROGER Let's not hold hands yet MIMI Is that a warning? ALL He/you/I Just need (s) To take it slow I should tell you I should tell you I should tell you I should tell you I Should tell you And it's beginning to And it's beginning to And it's beginning to MAUREEN Last night I had this dream ALL Snow!!! 22. OVER THE MOON MAUREEN Last night, I had this dream. I dreamt I was in a desert. It was hot. My canteen had sprung a leak and I was thirsty. I happened upon a herd of cattle. They too were lost. Even worse-they were blind. I asked a cow, Elsie, what blind cattle were doing in the desert. She said she wasn't blind. She was visually challenged. She gauged her eyes out! She gauged her eyes out! Did you sleep with your mother and murder your father, I asked. "Worse," she said. "I got cable." She said, "Only thing to do is jump over the moon. Only thing to do is jump over the moon." Wait a minute. I have cable too, I said. But I haven't blinded myself and wandered into the desert. My lips were chapped and dried. I needed a diet Coke. "This desert was once an orchard," she said. "And the fruit that grew here was rare-fertilized with milk and honey. They laid the cable. And the fruit dies. Only one way to restore..." BACKUPS Leap of faith, leap of faith, leap of faith. . . MAUREEN "Only thing to do is jump over the moon. Only thing to do is jump over the moon". Children, artists, lovers, jump over the moon every day! I can't get off the ground! Children, artists, lovers possess the to awe, compassion, imagination. Cows do not! It's like I've got this meat hook stuck in my back. Fastened to a long, black cable! I blinded myself cuz I wanted to see. To jump over the moon. BACKUP Leap of faith, leap of faith, leap of faith... MAUREEN Only thing to do is jump over the moon. Then another cow approached, Ferdinand. "That's bull", he said. "Their eyes gave out cuz they read too many books and newspapers. They thought they saw degradation - it was depravity. They thought they saw greed - it was merely survival. They thought they saw disease - it was justice. This is just a dry spell. Before we know it, the fruit will reappear". "Not without a leap of faith," Elsie said. She asked if I was still thirsty. Parched. "Have some milk". I lowered myself beneath her. Held my mouth up to her swollen udder and sucked the sweetest milk I had ever tasted. (sucking noise) And as I wiped my mouth off with my pajama sleeve, a harvest moon rose out of the dream horizon. Elsie reared back and sprang into a gallop! Leaping, finally she was airborne! Soaring over the desert, beyond the cable, until she was zooming out of orbit! And I awoke singing... BACKUPS leap of faith, leap of faith, leap of faith... MAUREEN Only thing to do... Only thing to do is jump... Only thing to do is jump over the moon! Only thing to do is jump over the moon! The moon! The moooon! Mooooooooooon! Mooooooooooo! Moooooooooooooo! Thank you. 23. LA VIE BOHEME RESTAURANT MAN No please no, not tonight, please no, mister can't you go, not tonight, can't have a scene! ROGER What? RESTAURANT MAN Go please, go you, hello sir, I said no, important customer! MARK What am I? Just a blur? RESTAURANT MAN You sit all night, you never buy! ROGER That's a lie! That's a lie! I had a tea the other day. RESTAURANT MAN You couldn't pay ROGER Oh yeah. COLLINS Benjamin Coffin III - here? RESTAURANT MAN Oh no! ALL Wine and beer!! MAUREEN The enemy of Avenue A - we'll stay RESTAURANT MAN Oy Vey! COLLINS What brings our distinguished slum lord to the Life Caf‚,? BENNY Hold on boys, gotta do a little business. So you're off the hook for now. ROGER The video franchise? BENNY Who said you're not smart? ROGER Blockbuster. GIRLS Blockbuster? PERSON Blockbuster! MAUREEN Wow! BENNY Mimi! I'm surprised. A bright and charming girl like you hangs out with these slackers. They make fun yet I'm the one attempting to do some good. Or do you really want a neighborhood where people piss on your stoop every night? Bohemia, Bohemia's a fallacy in your head. This is Calcutta. Bohemia is dead. MARK Dearly beloved, we gather here to say our good-byes. COLLINS & ROGER Dies irae, dies illa (etc) MARK Here she lies. No one knew her worth. The late, great daughter of mother Earth. On this night we celebrate the birth, in that little town of Bethlehem, we raise our glass, you bet your ass to - la vie boheme! ALL La Vie Boheme, La Vie Boheme, La Vie Boheme, La Vie Boheme.... MARK To days of inspiration playin hooky, making something out of nothing, the need to express, to communicate. To going against the grain, going insane, going mad! To loving tension, no pension, to more than one dimension, to starving for attention, hating convention, hating pretension, not to mention of course hating dear old mom and dad! To riding your bike midday past the three piece suits, to fruits, to no absolutes, to Absolut, to choice, to the Village Voice, to any passing fad! To being an us for once, instead of a them! ALL La Vie Boheme! La Vie Boheme. MAUREEN Is the equipment in a pyramid? JOANNE It is, Maureen. MAUREEN The mixer doesn't have a case. Don't give me that face! (Maureen slaps her) LADY Ahem! MAUREEN Hey sister, she's my sister RESTAURANT MAN So that's five Miso soup, four seaweed salad, three soy burger dinner, two tofu dog platter, and one pasta with meatless balls? GIRL Ugh! COLLINS It tastes the same. MIMI If you close your eyes. RESTAURANT MAN And seven orders of fries. Is that it here? ALL Wine and beer! ANGEL & MIMI To hand-crafted beers made in local breweries, to yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese. To leather, to dildos, to curry vindaloo, to huevos rancheros and Maya Angelou! COLLINS & MAUREEN Emotion devotion, to causing a commotion, creation, vacation. MARK Mucho masturbation! COLLINS & MAUREEN Compassion, to fashion, to passion when it's new! COLLINS To Sontag! ANGLEL To Sondheim! PEOPLE To anything taboo! COLLINS & ROGER Ginsberg, Dylan, Cunningham and Cage! COLLINS Lenny Bruce! ROGER Langston Hughes! MAUREEN To the stage! PERSON To Uta! PERSON To Buddha! PERSON Pablo Neruda, too! MARK & MIMI Why Dorothy and Toto went over the rainbow - to blow off Auntie Em! ALL La Vie Boheme! MAUREEN And wipe the speakers off before you pack. JOANNE Yes, Maureen. MAUREEN Well, hurry back! (MAUREEN kisses JOANNE) LADY Sisters?!? MAUREEN We're close! ANGEL, COLLINS, MARK & MAUREEN Brothers! MARK, ANGEL, MIMI & OTHERS Bisexuals, trisexuals, homo sapiens, carcinogens, hallucinogens, men, Pee Wee Herman, German wine, turpentine, Getrude Stein, Antonioni, Burtolucci, Kurosawa, Carmina Burana! COLLINS, MAUREEN, ROGER & OTHERS CBGBs, De la sota, tabouli, body fluids, KS lesions, funny looks, transfusions, silence=death, dairy?, including Cannabis santiva, Camel lights, Carmen Miranda, Nirvana! ALL To apathy to entropy to empathy, ecstasy, Vaclav Havel, the Sex Pistols, 8BC, to no shame, never playin the fame game! COLLINS To marijuana!!! ALL To sodomy, it's between God and me, to S&M! BENNY Waiter, waiter, waiter! ALL La Vie Boheme! COLLINS In honor of the death of Bohemia, an impromptu salon will commence immediately following dinner. Mimi Marquez, clad in bubble wrap, with perform her famous lawn chair handcuff dance to the sounds of ice tea being stirred! ROGER Mark Cohen will preview the documentary he'll never finish, "The parting of the red sea" about his inability to hold an erection on the high holy days, starring his former lover's current female lover as himself! MARK And Maureen Johnson, back from a spectacular one-night engagement at the 11th street lot, will sing Native American tribal chants backward through her vocoder, while accompanying herself on the electric cello- which she has never studied! (privately to Maureen) Meet you in the bathroom. MAUREEN You're not serious?! MARK I am. MAUREEN How was the show? MARK You know you're good. I'll bring the dental dam! MAUREEN Don't take this the wrong way, but Mark, honey, take a hike! MARK You wouldn't consider an auld lang syne between friends!? MAUREEN Hello!! I'm a dyke! LADY Another brother? MAUREEN Ex-lover. PERSON Roger will attempt to commit to an ending to his bittersweet evocative guitar solo symbolizing the death of Kinipsy! MARK Not now, Roger. COLLINS Angel Dumott Schunard will model the latest fall fashions from Paris while accompanying herself on the ten-gallon plastic pickle tub. ANGEL And Collins will recount to us his exploits as anarchist, including the tale of his successful reprogramming of the MIT virtual reality equipment to self-destruct as it broadcast the words: ALL Actual reality! Act up! Fight AIDS! BENNY Check! MIMI Excuse me, did I do something wrong? I get invited, then ignored, all night long! ROGER I've been tryin, I'm not lying. No one's perfect, I've got baggage! MIMI Life's too short, babe, time is flyin. I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine! ROGER I should tell you. MIMI I've got baggage, too, should tell you! BOTH Baggage, wine! ALL And beer! GIRLS and GUYS (alternating) Rest in peace, Bon Voyage, goodbye! Bohemia! You're much to young to die! ALL Here's one last toast, for you our heart still throbs. Send back your ghost, or else we'll have to get real jobs! To Dance! MIMI & GIRL No way to make a living. Masochism, pain perfection, muscle spasms, chiropractors, short careers, eating disorders! Film! MARK Adventure, tedium, no family, boring locations, darkrooms, perfect faces, egos, money, Hollywood and sleaze! COLLINS, MAUREEN & MIMI Music! ANGEL & ROGER Food of love, emotion mathematics, isolation, rhythm, power, feeling, harmony and heavy competition! ALL Anarchy! MAUREEN Revolution, justice screaming for solution, forcing changes, risking dangers, making noise, and making pleas! ALL To faggots, lezzies, dykes, cross-dressers too! MAUREEN To me! MARK & PERSON To me! PERSON To me! ALL To you, and you and you, you and you! To people living with, living with, living with - not dying from disease! Let he among us without sin be the first to condemn! La Vie Boheme! La Vie Boheme! La Vie Boheme!... MARK Anyone out of the mainstream? Is anyone in the mainstream? Anyone alive with a sex drive? Tear down those walls, aren't we all? The opposite of war isn't peace - it's creation! ALL Viva La Vie Boheme! 24. AZT BREAK/ MAUREEN AND JOANNE'S FIGHT (sound of beepers going off) COLLINS AZT break! ANGEL DDT! MAUREEN The ever-popular DDC-Zovarc's-Prozac cocktail! (JOANNE walks in on MAUREEN) This is not what you think. JOANNE Then what? Why use it? MAUREEN Joanne, it's just Mark. ROGER You? MIMI Me - you? ROGER Mimi. JOANNE By the way, I almost forgot! They're rioting back at the lot! Benny says evict, cops don't know what they're doing. No one's leaving, they're sitting there mooing! Thank you Joanne for everything you've done - oh don't mention it! I love being a wreck. WAITER I'll bring the check. 25. I SHOULD TELL YOU ROGER I should tell you, I should tell you... MIMI I should tell you, I should tell you... ROGER I should tell you I'm disaster, I forget how to begin it. MIMI Let's just make this part go faster, I have yet to be in it. I should tell you... ROGER I should tell you... MIMI I should tell you... ROGER I should tell you... MIMI I should tell that I can't sleep at night, I'm scared to close my eyes. ROGER Lately I'm so filled with fright, I rarely share, I criticize. MIMI I should tell you... ROGER I should tell you... MIMI I should tell you... ROGER I should tell you... MIMI I should tell my style of fighting - I don't move, gaze or speak. ROGER I get flustered with my writing, catatonic for a week. MIMI I should tell you... ROGER I should tell you... MIMI I should tell you... BOTH I should tell... well, here we go. Now we... MIMI Oh no! ROGER I know this something is...here goes... MIMI Here goes. ROGER Guess so...it's starting to...who knows... MIMI Who knows? ROGER Do what it does... MIMI We'll go where. ROGER I know...there because... MIMI Because we're starting to... ROGER Something... guess so... MIMI Who knows? BOTH Who knows where? Who goes there? Who knows? Here goes! Trusting desire - starting to learn. Walking through fire without a burn. Clinging - a shoulder, a leap begins. Stinging and older, asleep on pins. So here we go. Now we... ROGER Oh no! MIMI I know. ROGER Oh no. BOTH Who knows where? Who goes there? ROGER Who knows? MIMI Who knows? ROGER Who goes? MIMI Who goes? BOTH Here goes... (repeat 5x) End of Act I Go to Act II