This is where it all happens. All the news that is the news in the news . . . . (updated 20/10/03) Prove yourself to be a true U.S. Patriot As part of the Bush Administration's ongoing efforts to obliterate all traces of terrorism in the United States, the Department of Justice has commenced registration* of each and every American Patriot. By registering all non-terrorists within our borders, it is our intention to make use of the process of elimination to identify the evil ones who walk among us. If you are a non-terrorist (American Patriot), your participation is required. Please register HERE. John Ashcroft - United States Attorney General Washington, D.C. Attempting to keep both his reputation and ruling intact, Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson today apologized for his derogatory public remarks about Microsoft, admitting they were "injudicious and unwarranted," but urged an appeals court not to conclude he was ever biased against the software giant. "I had then, and still have today, no personal opinions whatsoever as regards those guilty lying bastards at Microsoft, or the evil prick son of a bitch who runs it," said Jackson, adding that his earlier negative comments were taken out of context. Man Bites Dog Des Moines, Iowa - A postman after being regularly attacked by a dog on his route hit back and bit the offending beast on the bottom. The dog suffered no visible signs of attack but it's owners say it refuses to go out now. Exercise - 1 It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £2000 per month. Exercise - 2 A man from Darlington, England said his grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. "Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is." Overworked? The population of this UK is around 50 million. 21 million are retired. That leaves 29 million to do the work. There are 16 million in school, which leaves 13 million to do the work. Of this there are 9 million employed by the government, leaving 4 million to do the work. 800,000 are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 3.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 2,800,000 people who work for County and City Governments and that leaves 400,000 to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 211,998 people in the various prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me......And you're sitting here reading this...... Three Wise Men In a small southern American town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing fireman's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me. "You foreigners never do read The Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in The Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face, she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'" Useful Metric Conversions Americans (defined as residents of the USA) frequently have problems with metric conversions. In an attempt to clarify the conversion process I now submit some "Useful Metric Conversions." 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations = 1 C-ration 10 millipedes = 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 2 monograms = 1 diagram 8 nickels = 2 paradigms 2 wharves = 1 paradox I hope this proves a useful tool. Castration Dallas, Texas - A man had castration surgery performed on himself yesterday despite pleas from his wife and doctors that this was not a wise move. Upon completion of the operation and the recovery of the patient, the doctor commented that the operation was much more difficult than a circumcision. "Damn!" said the man, "That was the word I was looking for." Camoflage? A man went into an 'Army and Navy' store yesterday to buy a pair of camoflage trousers. No matter how hard he and the asistant looked, they couldn't find any. Hell's Angels At a Hell's Angels convention in Louisiana our reporter asked why Hell's Angels always wore leather. The truth to this long, unanswered question was finally revealed. "Because chiffon wrinkles too easily." The Chinese Question Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.......But I think it's Colin. Man Jailed Yesterday in New York - A dyslexic man was arrested after walking into a bra. Local Ice Cream Man Found Dead Llandudno, Wales - A local ice cream man was found dead in his ice cream van near the beach yesterday covered in hundreds and thousands. Police believe he topped himself. U.S. Police Reports The following are copies of actual written statements submitted to the police on accident report forms. Drivers were instructed to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't know. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him. My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital. When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had fractured my skull. I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed. Indians' Land U.S.A. When white man found this land, Indians were running it. There were: - No Taxes No Debt Plenty buffalo Plenty beaver Medicine man free Women did all the work Men hunted and fished all the time The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system! English is a messed up language.... Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another. Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. Sad News About Beer... You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Yesterday, scientists suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men: Gained weight Talked excessively without making sense Became overly emotional Couldn't drive Failed to think rationally Argued over nothing Had to sit down while urinating Showed no interest in sex Refused to apologize when wrong No further testing is planned. Thou shalt not cross on red, Church tells pedestrians. The Russian Orthodox Church in the Urals has declared jaywalking a sin in an attempt to cut rising pedestrian deaths. The move came after traffic police complained that dozens of pensioners were being killed in the region every year by flouting the Russian equivalent of the Green Cross Code. The sight of the elderly shuffling across busy roads is common in Russia. The problem is compounded by an epidemic of careless driving in a country where zebra crossings are all but ignored. Now the Church has stepped in. In a service in Yekaterinburg on Sunday a priest told parishioners at the Church of Nikolai the Miracle-Worker that God would frown on them if they crossed the road on a red light. Father Germogen told the congregation: "We are always rushing, and there seems to be no end to it. But by violating these mundane laws, you are violating the law of God!" He said later: "After the service an old woman came to me crying, saying she had never dreamt that crossing on a red light was a sin." He admitted that he had an ulterior motive as a driver himself. "I cannot but be angry when people just throw themselves under my car," he said. Pool player breaks foot by dropping table on it A match in Wales was recently abandoned due to a player breaking his own foot during a pool match. "We’ve all done it at some time I expect, lifted one end of the table when a ball gets stuck!" said Morgan Evans. But Evans lifted it up a little too far on this occasion in order to impress the attractive girls who played in the opposing side. Far from impressing them on this occasion however, he made a real twit of himself when he dropped the table from a height, and broke three bones in his foot. In such pain, and unable to move, he lay beside the table whilst an ambulance was called. The players had to step over him on occasions to continue the match. However the girls protested that he was putting them off their game, as some of them were wearing skirts. Why 'Dubya" talks crap US President George W Bush on Monday revealed the truth behind his well-publicised verbal gaffes. In a commencement speech at his alma mater, Yale University, Mr Bush said that during his undergraduate days, he took a class in Japanese haiku. 'Haiku, for the uninitiated, is a 15th century form of poetry, each poem having 17 syllables. Haiku is fully understood only by the Zen masters,' the president said. 'As I recall, one of my academic advisers was worried about my selection of such a specialised course. He said I should focus on English. I still hear that quite often. But my critics don't realise I don't make verbal gaffes. I'm speaking in the perfect forms and rhythms of ancient haiku.' Mr Bush wasn't an A student in his time. In his speech, which had the audience in stitches, he congratulated those who received honours and awards. But to the C students, he said: 'You, too, can be President of the United States.' Policeman nearly shot down ! A report has revealed that two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident whilst checking for speeding motorists on the A1 road between Oldhamstocks and Grantshouse. Last May, they were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary motorists on the Edinburgh to London trunk road. One of the unnamed officers used the device to check the speed of an approaching vehicle, and was surprised to find that his target had registered a speed in excess of 300 miles per hour. The £5000 machine then seized up and could not be re-set by the bemused PC's. The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado aircraft in the North Sea, which was taking part in a simulated low-flying exercise over the Borders and Southern Scotland. Following a complaint by Sir William Sutherland, Chief Constable of the Lothian & Borders Police force to the RAF liaison office, it was revealed that the officers had a lucky escape - the tactical computer on board the aircraft not only detected and jammed the "hostile" radar equipment, but had automatically armed a Sidewinder air-to-ground missile ready to neutralise the perceived threat. Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile launched. The Police have so far declined to comment, although it is understood that officers will be advised to point their radar guns inland in future. Phone Hackers strike Weight Watchers Glasgow, Scotland - 'Phreakers', or phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of Weight Watchers in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to "Hello, you fat bastard." An ad appearing in the personal section of a newspaper........ "SBF (single, black, female) seeks male companionship. Age, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours." Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy. The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old Black Labrador Retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.