If you're co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 5, 7 and 9.

If you're paranoid-delusional, we know who you are. Just stay on the line so we can trace this call.

If you're schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you're manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you have an oppositional personality disorder, smash the receiver against the wall several times and we'll get back to you.

If you're contemplating suicide, please hold for the next available representative.