EXPOSING YOU TO MORE NEW MUSIC

BUSTED BY THE X-COPS

Stubble Interview by Ken Zebbyn

I entered the club (Lupo's) right before sound check and knocked on the dressing room door. A voice yelled "Come on in" so when I opened the door I was asked "You got any drugs boy ?". Then after being frisked and told I was going to get a cavity search, I told them I was here to interview them. they got a little friendlier. Interview follows, but the live show was extremely entertaining (with an accent on extreme) and featured an on stage body cavity search of some poor wretch. After the show all I could say was where's the coffee and doughnuts. Solid rock with killer tunes from their debut album "You Have The Right To Remain Silent" made it a funny and happening show. I spoke to Ex-Patrolman Cobb Knobbler, X-Sheriff Tubb Tucker, and X-Mountain Bike Officer Biff Buff.

Ken: So, uh where are you all from ?

COBB: San Francisco.

TUBB: I'm from Texas, God dammit, amen.

BIFF: Malibu, Malibu Barbie is where I'm from.

Ken: Are you local Cops or State Cops ?

COBB: Gay cops.

BIFF: You keep that type of stuff to yourself there Cobb.

TUBB: I was a small town Sheriff until I got into a predicament with the Mayors daughter. That is when I hit the road.

Ken: How was last nights Boston show ?

COBB: Boring, dull.

BIFF: I can't think that far back.

Ken: What do you think of body piercing ?

TUBB: I think its great, It gives you something grab hold of to rip out to cause a little extra pain. You know those tongue piercing and shit, you should see what happens when you hit them with a taszer, those little bits of metal in their tongue, its great, they wiggle around like God damn fucking sausage on a plate.

COBB: Its like nuke with metal.

BIFF: You know those kids can do what they want they can dress and act all weird but basically what we're here to do.

COBB: Is to BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM !!

BIFF: Yeah, well, that too You know we are trying to clean them up, you know get them off the streets. And basically get them to lead virtuous lives, give all their drugs to us, you know, all that type of thing.

Ken: Who makes the best coffee ?

COBB: My mother.

BIFF: There is a good coffeehouse in Columbia, Missouri, its next to the Blue Note Theater, its really great.

Ken: So is that where the best Donuts are ?

X-COPS: NO, Crispy Cream.

COBB: Crispy Cream across the board.

TUBB: Unless you are in Texas, Then its Shipley's.

BIFF: I don't eat anything that rhymes with shitleys.

COBB: That's not what I heard.

Ken: After his bludgeoning spree at The Academy do you let Billy Club use his billy club ?

BIFF: He plays drums with these right here, you can't see them cause this guy has no camera, but if you could you would be amazed.

Ken: What was your best collar ?

COBB: I arrested the entire fucking San Francisco 49ers

TUBB: Don't even start with that one you fag.

COBB: For locker room sodomy, I took them all to the station and gave them all a bubble bath.

Ken: Was that the Montana years ?

COBB: Its one of the reasons he left town. He couldn't handle the pressure, and when I say pressure I mean my dick up his ass.

Ken: What do you think of America's drug problem ?

BIFF: It’s great.

TUBB: We are grateful for it. If it wasn't for the drug problem and the fact we have badges, we wouldn't have nearly as many drugs as we have. And that would be a problem.

BIFF: I think the drugs are probably the best you can get in the world.

COBB: It never fails to amaze me what these kids will do to get high. One of these kids we busted yesterday in Boston was snortin freon right out of an air conditioner.

TUBB: Lets see, last night we did heroin, cocaine, meth, amphetamine, pot and alcohol.

COBB: Then we threw in freon and whooooooo!

TUBB: And hamburgers and donuts.

BIFF: That is the problem with this country, they can't handle the drugs as good as we can. We arrest criminals and the Justice system doesn't work. All you gotta do with the criminals who got the drugs is you gotta go in there and kick ass and take the drugs for yourself. Screw court and all that stuff.

Ken: What about America's Justice system ?

COBB: Its fucked up.

TUBB: Look at OJ Simpson, bring back public hangings.

BIFF: OJ is obviously guilty and he's going to buy his way out of it.

COBB: Even if he's not guilty hang him. We need marshall law, Judge Dredd style.

Ken: Any cops you look up to, heroes ?

COBB: Dirty Harry,

BIFF: Bad Lieutenant, Marx Brothers, Keystone Cops.

TUBB: L.A.P.D.

Ken: What were the golden years of law enforcement ?

COBB: Chicago in 1920, Prohibition, everyone was on the take, from the man to the janitor. You could rake in a nice little birds nest of yourself taking money from the mob.

TUBB: And there was no bad publicity. No repercussion from taking money from the mob.

COBB: LITTLE CEASER, James Cagney, Edward G. Robinsion, those were the good old days.

TUBB: Nowadays you beat some fucking creep on the street down to a Bloody Mess, he dies later in his jail cell you get 2 days off without pay. What the fuck is that.

COBB: That is why we're X-Cops, we got in so much trouble doing what we thought was right, what we thought was the best way to deal with these fucking punks was, which of course was beating them down, showing them a boot to the fucking head.

BIFF: It all starts with these moms and pops, they need to get a hold of their kids and BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF THEM when they start acting up, Cause if they don't do it, we are gonna do it, and you can print that.

COBB: All we are trying to do is beat the shit out of people.

BIFF: That is not all we are trying to do, We are trying to do as much drugs as we possibly can.

Ken: What are you protecting ?

COBB: Ourselves from these vicious punks, These kids are animals I'm here to prove one thing its that I can hit you more times in the face with this club than you can do anything except spit up bloody chicklets you punk shit little fucking bastard.

BIFF: You might think our methods are unorthodox but we are trying to help you people out, the good decent people like yourself and get the scum off the street, the drugs off the street and put them up our noses.

COBB: I got something to say to these fuckers out there. A lot of people got down on me and my trip because I proclaimed myself to be a fascistic satanic nazi homo fag, ok a homosexual nazi Jew fag, wait a minute, no, anyway I'm here to proclaim that is all over with, now I'm a black Jew, so back off.

Ken: Tubb, you sing "Paddy Wagon Rape" have you gotten a date yet ?

TUBB: Well it all depends what your idea of a date is. My idea of a date is Rape!! I guess I would say yes I've had a lot more dates. My paddy wagon is 45 feet long for this tour and I can fit a lot of dates in that.

Ken: Are you going to spread your message to other countries ?

COBB: We are going to build a tunnel in the middle of the night.

BIFF: We have been to Europe and they don't understand law & justice over there, and we showed the Euro-dork cops how they should be and I think they took the hint. They are starting to crack down now over there hard. British are getting guns now, they are starting to get smart over there.

TUBB: Canada has their army, if you want to call it that, posted all across the boarder to keep us out. The last time we were in Canada We bitch slapped every Royal Canadian redcoat fuckin dork hat.

COBB: We fucked their horses.

TUBB: We slapped them around like a bunch of sissy ass bitches in short pants, they have artillery pointed towards America to keep us out.

Ken: Are you in favor of gun control ?

BIFF: The best kind of control is with a gun.

TUBB: If you can't hit the target you have no gun control.

COBB: Anyone who has a gun should be able to control it, they should be able to clean it, load it, point it and blow your fucking head off.

Ken: What are the important things in law enforcement training ?

X-COPS: Doughnuts, torture, rape, cigars, marksmanship.

Ken: What did you do before you became a cop ?

BIFF: I was an Indy car driver, that is why they had to take me out of a squad car and put me on a bike. I would just run into shit all the time.

COBB: Before I became a cop I was in the military special forces, before that I was a criminal. I joined the Marine Corps at the age of 14, I lied to get in.

TUBB: Tell them why you joined up ?

COBB: I was an escaped sodomite, with webbed toes.

TUBB: I was a crack shot on crack.

Ken: Final words ?

BIFF: Straighten up and fly right, and we are coming to your town cause you might think you know who you are, but we know who you are, and we know where you live and we are coming to get you. And if you particularly sir, write anything unfavorable about X-COPS I'm gonna break both of your legs.

TUBB: 5000 times.

COBB: And we better get a copy so we can show our mothers how great we are.