Dear Otto,

After running on a hot summer day I find myself craving a cold beer. Is this normal?

A thirsty runner.

Dear thirsty runner.

Some things in life are truly paradoxical.  For example, why in nature, would the hardest part of the human body be in direct contact with the softest part of the human body, fully capable of doing severe damage? Anyone who has ever bitten their tongue knows exactly what I'm talking about. 

Most of the runners that I know represent a similar oxymoron. (No, an oxymoron is not a dumb person with zits.)  To casual observers, we are a picture of good health and good living.  We run, therefore we probably eat fresh fruits and vegetables all day long, drink nothing but sparkling water, and wouldn't go near red meat with a ten foot pole.  I don't know about you, but rabbit food just doesn't cut it for me.

It is true that we do share some common health beliefs.  Rarely do I see a runner smoking before a race, but it's not unheard of.  One of the nicest things about post race parties is that they are smoke free, a fact appreciated by all. But to see what food disappears first at those post race gatherings is the window to the soul of the runner.

I was at a race recently where post race refreshments included pizza, sub sandwiches, assorted cookies, and bananas.  I saw people walk off with three pieces of pizza, and then return for more when their stash was gone.  I saw people hoarding  down handfuls of cookies without caloric guilt or remorse. People were crowded around the sub table to the point where you couldn't nudge through to see what was left.  Thanks to the sponsors who provided the feast.  There was plenty of everything for everyone.

One table was practically ignored.  The bananas.  I didn't see anyone look both ways and then grab a bunch of bananas when nobody was looking.  There was no need for a sign that said "Please limit yourself to one banana only." Most people were limiting themselves to no bananas.  Curious, I thought that these health conscious people would bypass the obvious choice in favor of fat and empty calories.

As I thought about this, I realized that the five pieces of pizza I had just eaten had made me extremely thirsty.  Boy, I could go for a beer right now. Beer.  The one universal drink of the runner.  Is there a runner alive who is not also a beer lover? Just give me my Samuel Adams after a training run and it truly doesn't get any better than this. 

I am an analytical thinker and try to make sense out of everything.  So, of course, I started wondering why good running seemed to go hand in hand with bad eating and beer drinking.  Well, I think I have figured out the answer in a way that at least I can understand.  It's really quite simple if you do the math. Let's start with the facts.

3500 calories will always equal one pound.  This is a simple mathematical equation.

Each mile you run burns approximately 100 calories. Each beer you drink adds about 150 calories.

Personally, I maintain a weight of about 150 pounds, which remains steady from year to year. I average about 120 miles of running per month.  At 100 calories per mile, that means that each month, I burn about 12,000 calories running. 120 miles X 100 calories = 12,000. 12,000 calories = 3.42 pounds.  That's how much weight I lose each month from running. In order to stay even, I need to intake an equivalent number of calories from beer. 12,000 divided by 150 (calories per beer) = 80 beers per month, or 2.66 beers per day. 

I willingly do this to maintain the balance of nature.  The first 2 beers are easy, but the last .66 is a bit harder.  I haven't yet figured out how to keep the carbonation going from one day to the next once the bottle is opened. 

Simple math again tells me that I cannot stop drinking beer even if I wanted to (which, thank goodness, I don't.)  Here's why. Suppose I stopped drinking beer today and changed nothing else about my lifestyle.  I'd still run my 120 miles a month, and I'd lose 3.42 pounds in the process.  In only one year, I would lose 41.1 pounds.  My weight would drop to under 110 pounds and I'd have to listen for high wind advisories before going outside. In only three short years, I will have lost 123.3 pounds, bringing my weight down to 26.7 pounds.  I could get a job as a wind sock at the airport.  In less than four years, I wouldn't even be here any more.  I would be totally gone.

Quit drinking beer?  How can I?  I am forced to drink in self defense.  I take comfort in the fact that health experts now say that a beer a day may be better for you than total abstinence.  So I figure you can never get too much of a good thing.  I'm probably guaranteed good health through the year 2510 by now.  Besides, we all have to do our part to contribute to the balance of nature (and the bathroom scale. )  So bring on the pizza, sub sandwiches, cookies, and, most importantly, keep drinking beer.  And save the bananas for the monkeys.

Otto.

Dear Otto, 

Is there a perfect male body? Can one person have it all? Or is it more like everyone has one good part and if you put them all together you get the perfect body? I'm asking you this because you are so worldly and you have seen many men. 

Just Wondering.

Dear Just Wondering.

You ask a really good question. I myself thought that there was no perfect body. And I believed for many years that everyone just had a piece of a perfect body. Until one day when I was walking my dog in the woods and I came across the perfect body. This man was like a Greek god he just stood there flexing. As soon as I saw him I took a picture of him. He screamed "I'm blind" and ran off into the woods never to be seen again.

Otto.

Here is the picture I took

THE REAL CAUSE OF YOUR INJURIES AND PROVEN METHODS OF FIXING THEM

by Dr. Ottorino Laringo, M.D., N.u, T. B.ag.

It is sad to hear all that superstitious talk about injuries. Like, injuries are caused by bad shoes, or biomechanical problems, or - just imagine! - overtraining! I think not. None of that has been proven, take it from me, as all experienced runners know, although they may not tell you, the top ten causes of various injuries are:

1.     Falling atmospheric pressure and/or rising humidity.

2.     Starting the runs before finishing them.

3.     North-west wind.

4.     Worn out socks.

5.     Blowing your nose into the path of other runners.

6.     Wearing starched shorts.

7.     Balled up bum fluff.

8.     Full moon.

9.     Head hair longer than quarter of an inch.

10.   Bad gas.

Failing to find your specific cause in this list, consider the following possibilities:

1.     Your chiropractor is a fraud.

2.     There is a capitalist plot to force you to buy a new pair of shoes each Friday.

3.     Your running partner is a bore.

Now you know. If you resolve the above causes but the pain still persists, you can be sure that one or a combination of the following is happening: your runs are too short, or too easy, or should be done both mornings and evenings. If this doesn’t help, try adding a lunch time run.

There is a lot more you can learn from me. Please refer me to your friends.