This is my diary, I don't date it, I just title my entries.  Yes I am a little mixed up and confused.  I have been diagnosed with depression, so yes my entries do show depression.  E-mail me if you want.

Stuck at home.

I am getting so tired of being stuck at home alone.  That's going to change soon though.  My husband is scared that he is going to lose his job, so he wants me to go find one while he is at work.  My only problem is that he is going to get stuck waiting somewhere or I am.  I don't like playing the waiting game at all.  I hate waiting!  I feel pretty helpless right now.  I wish that I thought things were going to get better, because I don't.  I think that they are just going to get a lot worse, that nothing is ever going to be stable in my life.  I hate it!  I wish that I could feel better about everything that is going on.  I mean come on now!  I just want to feel at least that things are okay!  I don't think that it is ever going to be that way.  I just can't, not after everthing that has gone on in my life.  I don't think that I will ever be financially stable.  Ever since I got married it has been the same thing, empty promises that I wouldn't have to worry about money.  I wish he were right, that things were actually going to be fine for once, be he's not.  It's not going to be that way ever, not as long as we are married.  I am almost getting desperate.  It's not just the money, it really isn't!  I have to admit that I crave attention, I just don't get any.  He has to learn Java so that he can get a better job.  He says that the skills that he has are old and that it is going to be hard to find a job with the skills that he has.  He also has to mention that he has a very good skill set.  We live with my parents right now.  I hate living with my paprents.  It would be different if it were just me, but it's not.  I hate to admit this, but I want to leave him.  I love him, but I can't handle this.  I've lost everything, I don't even have him anymore.  He is overwhelmingly indulged in code.  Go figure.

Dying, from the inside out.

I am dying, from the inside out.  I feel everything that I am melting away.  The hopelessness is more than I can bare.  My whole life is melting from before me.  Everyday things get worse, I become more depressed and more angry.  Sometimes I dream of world obliteration, sometimes I dream of self anialation. 

What do I do?  I am 20 years old, I have a whole life before me. 

I got married, then joined the army.  I loved the army and wanted to leave my husband during basic.  I mean he wouldn't even write me.  Then I saw him at graduation, he was the only one who cared enough about me to come and see me.  He looked pathetic and sobbed when he finally got to see me after our marching competition.  I felt so bad for doubting that he loved me. 

Now comes AIT, oh boy.  I was in communications, you know drive a hummer and set up antennas.  That's where things got really bad for me.  I was so excited things were supposed to get better.  I snuk a cell phone into my room and talked everyday to my husband.  I started getting really nervous and jumpy everywhere I went.  Even when I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing I was over come with fear of being cought and punished.  I started day dreaming about death.  I just wanted to die.  I saw vivid replays in my head of me killing myself.  It kept on over and over so constant I couldn't stand myself.  I started getting angry, and not getting along with everyone else. 

I had decided that it was my husbands fault, he was putting too much pressure on me.  Everyone agreed that he was putting too much pressure on me, that he was lazy and wanted me to take care of him(he didn't have a job).  I went out and got drunk, mixed up my nights for guard duty, and got my off post privileges taken away.  I told my husband about it and I was upset, said that I thought I made a mistake. 

He took the opportunity to tell me that he didn't want me in the army.  He started pressuring me to tell my first seargent that I was bi-sexual.  I couldn't say something like that to someone that I respected so much.  I couldn't have that be the reason.  I was supposed to go to Germany, I wanted to go to Germany so bad!!! 

I decided to tell my husband that I wasn't going to do that, I couldn't.  He told me that he wan't going to Germany with me if I went.  I lost it.  I talked to the chaplan, a different chaplan, then to my drill sergeant.  My drill sergeant told me to go talk to mental health.  I went I told them that I couldn't handle life, that I thought constantly about killing myself and that I was scared that I really was going to do it.  I was admitted to the psych ward that day.  I was so scared.  I called my parents and my husband.  My dad wanted to beat my husband up, he felt it was his fault that I was in there. 

My husband drove up to see me.  He came straight to see me.  I was put on anti depressants, went through stages of being fine and stages of hating my husband. 

I was diagnosed with HPV.  I had a cyst that was painful so they sent me to the gyno and they discoved it there(this is the short and sweet story).  I doubted my husband, I thought that he had cheated on me while I was in basic.  My mother even thought so.  I was told by the nurses and doctor that it can take a year for HPV to show up.  I had been married for four months and dated my husband for 10 months before that.  I decided to trust my husband on that note, both of us had been involved with someone else even just the day before we started to date.

The psychiatrist suggested that I be taken out of the military and sent home.  That my being there helped niether the army or me.  I went back into a free world, well kinda, I went back to AIT. 

I got my off base priviledges back and took off.  I felt like I was doing everything wrong.  I was very over sensitive and so I left.  I was only gone a couple of days.  This and a suicide attempt sent me back to the psych ward. 

My belongings had been foreged through and locked up after I arrived at the hospital.  I was on my cycle and I had no clothes.  My commanding officers failed to bring me any of my uniforms or anything.  When they did I recieved no underware and my uniforms.  My husband had to buy me underware and soap because they had failed to bring me any of these things.  I smelled bad.  I only had the soap that the red cross provided and I had to wear those clothes that had a horrid stench.  I was given a disaplinary article 15 for going awol.  I was given a chapter 11 and booted out 2 weeks after my departure from the hospital. 

Take this into consideration:  I finished my classes 2nd in my class. 

I came home to the first home I had ever had with my husband.  We stayed in the town I was stationed by last.  I was tempermental.  I tried to kill myself a couple more times.  I never went to a hospital because we were too poor to.  I made my husband miserable.  I was miserable. 

Around Christmas we decided that we needed to be with family.  We moved in with my parents and couln't stand my little brother paintballing our room and well I'm sure you can imagine what else he was doing to protect his territory from us living there.  We moved in with his parents. 

He found a job rather quickly and we moved into an apartment across the street from where he worked.  He lost his job the next week.  His mother found me a job through her agency and I loved it. 

I was making more money than I had ever made and I was happy.  Then they wanted me to leave her agency in a less than honest way(they didn't know how I got the job).  I told them no.  They told me fine and I worked there for a time longer.  They told me that they were going to hire me perm. and that I need to fill out my paperwork.  They called my mother in-law and told her they no longer needed me.  I was in utter shock, I thought that I was going to die.  They told me not to tell the agancy that I was still working there and to start clocking in next week.  My mother in-law told me not to worry about it and that I should just keep my job since my hubby was still loking for one and since I seemed happier.  I worked there and things just kept going down hill.  I hadn't been trained properly and when I needed help all the sudden I couldn't get any.  I was getting sexually harassed so bad I was scared at work.  The breaking point here was that I was given a call from corp saying that they thought that my boss was stealing money and that I needed to document everything and do my best not to handle any money that he blamed it all before on the girl in my position.  I finished out the day and quit the next.  My husband found a job shortly before then so we were okay. 

I stared to go down hill with my depression again.  We were having problems with my apartment complex and an air conditioner over head (all the a/c units were on top of the building instead of the ground) making a loud roaring noise and shaking everything in our bedroom so violently that we couldn't sleep.  We couldn't get them to fix it.  We gave them from april until july and many complaints.  We threatened legal action and recied a letter saying that we could transfer apartments.  The apartment manager said that we could sign a lease on the next apartment for the remander we had left on the current one.  It came signing time and of course we were told we had to sign a whole new lease or we couldn't transfer.  We told them fine, we're out in 11 days.  Due to a legal clause in the lease we owed them nothing more and no money. 

Now we live with my parents.  We had to let our car go and now I am stuck in my parents house all day with nothing to do except clean.  I am here by myself until my dad gets home from work.  I then watch TV with him and he goes to bed and a few hours later my husband gets home from work, then my mom. 

I look to each day as torture and pain.  I hate my life and see no point in it.  I guess this is me reaching for help... to an empty crowd.

~Logi
write me at rain_hidden_tears@yahoo.com