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REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS
Barium: What doctors do when patients die
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis
Tablet: Small table
Tumor: More than one
Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
Varicose: Near by / close by
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take
to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Tee hee hee. *LMAO*
Here's another funny one.
This guy is having major bowel problems, cramping etc. He can't handle it any more, so he breaks down, loses his "Macho" attitude and goes to see a doctor.
Doc says, "This is a really serious problem, I have to give you these 2 suppositories, one you get now, and the next in 6 hours. They are taken rectally"
The guy really doesn't want to do this, but he doesn't want to get really sick and maybe end up getting operated on so he says "Okay."
The doctor bends him over, and he feels it being rammed up his butt. He was in pain, but his big boy attitude kept him from screaming.
That evening, when he went to put in his other one, he found he just couldn't do it, so he sent and got his wife to help. She put one hand on his shoulder to brace him, and woith the other hand, rammed the suppository up his butt. All of a sudden he let out a blood curdling scream.
"What's the matter dear? Did it really hurt that much?" asked his wife.
"No," he said, "I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had both his hands on my shoulders!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
*LMAO*
Didja ever wonder why 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, but still has locks on it's doors???
YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT IF . . .
*you have ever seen someone ignite a fart.
*you have developed a weekly ritual of waking up blurry-eyed on
Saturday afternoons and proceeding to determine where the hell
you are.
*you know approximately how many people can fit into your closet,
shower stall, or the trunk of your car.
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice
his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town
to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for
sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.
The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was
behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The
engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased
the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the
mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied
the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and
watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?" .
The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?" .
The kid said, "Yep." .
"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.
The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a
preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to
do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said,
"Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."
TIMELY VALUES
*To realize the value of one year, Ask a student who failed an exam.
*To realize the value of one month, Ask a mother who has given birth to a
premature baby.
*To realize the value of one week, Ask the editor of a weekly paper.
*To realize the value of one day, Ask a daily wage laborer.
*To realize the value of one hour, Ask the lovers who are waiting to
meet.
*To realize the value of one minute, Ask a person who missed a train.
*To realize the value of one second, Ask a person who has survived an
accident.
*To realize the value ofone milli-second, Ask a person who has won a
silver medal at the Olympics
************************* HA HA HA HA HA HA ************************
Ole and Lena got a letter about the town's snow removal policy. It said
if there were more than two inches of snow at night, the plows would come. On
odd days they were to park the car on the right side of the street, and on the
even days, park it on the left. The first night the town got three inches of snow. Ole said, "we have to park the car on the right."
Next night, four inches. Lena told Ole to put the car on the left side.
Night three came and there was no snow. Ole said to Lena, "I guess we
can park the car in the garage tonight."
COMPREHENDING COMPUTER SCIENTISTS -- NEXT TAKE
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about
what was the oldest profession in the world.
The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I canrightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the Book Of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the World."
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
Radar: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
Pilot: "Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
Radar: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
Gold Star Question: When Moses parted the red sea, was it on the left or on the right?
THIS ONE'S CUTE!! J
*****
MISTRANSLATED MENU ITEMS
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo
Prawn cock and tail - Cairo
Cock in wine/Lioness cutlet - Cairo
French fried ships - Cairo
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose - Poland
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Fried freindship - Nepal
Strawberry crap - Japan
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Toes with butter and jam - Bali
Goose Barnacles - Spain
French Creeps - L.A.
Fried fishermen - Japan
Buttered saucepans and fried hormones - Japan
Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania
****
On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged,
well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next
to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to
complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the
attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I
can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me
another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The
flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll
go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or
first class".
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man
beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding
passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with
the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help
but look at the people around her with a smug and
self-satisfied grin.
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've
spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full.
However, we do have one seat in first class".
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess
continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of
upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission
from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt
that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit
next such an obnoxious person."
With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd
like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."
At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a
standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the
plane . . .
*****
LINES OF REASONING NOT TO USE IN COURT
(Supposedly these are things people actually said in court, word for
word.)
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
****
TEXAN TALK
(read phonetically for maximum effect!)
Pay Un: A thang used to cook in.
Pan: A place where one serves a life sentence
Camer: A thang you take pitchers with.
Meer: A looking glass
Woosh: Like "Ah woosh you would be muh sweethort, Mary Lou"
Tal: A thang you dries dishes with after they have been
rinched
Hayud: Where you keep you brains
Hay Und: Something that holds your five fingers
Bob Warr Fants: Something to keep cattle in the pasture
Warr Plars: Something you cut a fants with
Rat Naow: Immediately if not sooner
Rat Cheer: In this very place
Rat Tare: A little south of Rat Cheer
Maon: Like "Ah don't need a ride, ah has maon cawur"
Mals: Measure of distance
Punchard Tar: Something that goes flat when you don't have a spare
Brayud: Something you make sangweech with
Sangweech: Something made with two pieces of brayud
Tarred: Plum tuckered out
Rinch: When you soak your clothes in clear water
Ranch: Something to take a nut off a bolt with
Rayanch: Any piece of property over fifty thousand acres
Merkan Cissen: One born in the USA
Whurr: Like "whurr's muh hayut"
Whan: Like "Whan yuh comin tuh see me"
Tant: A thang that holds a circus
Born: A building on a rayanch
Wawks: Like when you run out of gas
Lektrit Fayun: Something you plug in to make breezes blow
This is truly Texan Talk. Remember, Texans don't talk slow; it's just
that everyone else listens too fast.
*****
Men are like fine wine: They all start out like grapes, and it's
our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.
After watching sales falling off for three straight months
at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and
asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, "I need you to
change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread'
to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate
10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can
not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales,
the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50
million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give
us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church
could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to
support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's
prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible
sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your
Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give
us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I
will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get
back to ,you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he
says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news
is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope
replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
****
Humorous Statements by Airline Flight Crews
ON TAKE-OFFS:
Occasionally, airline attendants make an
effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture"
a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:
* "There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane..."
* "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in
the event of an emergency
water landing, please take them with our compliments."
* "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if
you must smoke, contact a
member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the
wing of the airplane."
* "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person
caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately."
* "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will
drop from the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or
adults acting like children."
* From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome
aboard Southwest Flight XXX,
to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seat belt, and if you
don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In
the event of a sudden loss of
cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more. Weather at our
destination is 50 degrees with
some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed
before we arrive. Thank you,
and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines."
DURING THE FLIGHT:
* Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude
now, so I am going to switch
the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the
plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if
you walk on the wings it affects the
flight pattern."
* Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've
reached our cruising altitude
now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm
switching to autopilot, too, so I can
come back there and visit with all of you for the rest
of the flight."
THE LANDING:
* "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
* As we waited just off the runway for another airliner
to cross in front of us, some
of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage
from the overhead bins. The
head attendant announced on the intercom, "This
aircraft is equipped with a video
surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not
remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a
full and complete stop at the gate
will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
* As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National, a lone voice
comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA!"
* This is an actual joke heard on Southwest Airlines,
just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City; one of the most bone jarring ever
experienced. The flight attendant
came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump
and I know what y'all are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendant's fault..... it was the
asphalt!"
* Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and
announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your
seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane
to the gate!"
* Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
AND, OF COURSE, THE EXIT:
* "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather
all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."
· "Last one off the plane must clean it."
* An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
he had hammered his ship into the
runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand
at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile,
and a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have
a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"
said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot
down?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady is walking down the street to work and she see's a
parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her,"Hey lady, you are
really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the
store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot
in the window and the parrot said to her,"Hey lady, you are
really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next
day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey
lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she
went into the store and said that she would sue the store and
kill the bird. The store manager said,"That's not good." and
promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past
the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She
paused and said,"Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."
* * *
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army
days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that
when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap,
click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company
presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."
*******
ONLY IN AMERICA
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
and a diet coke.
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
to the counters.
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place.
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process
so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"blood-sucking creatures".
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Drinking Jokes
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