Just Kidding!
Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.
When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a
After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."
"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal- Mart."
The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."
"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
PENGUINS
A man is driving down the highway and passes a state motorcycle officer. The officer notices the man and also sees that he has 4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the vehicle says to the driver "what are you doing with 4 penguins in your car?"
To which the man replies "Just taking them for a ride officer." Visibly upset, the cop instructs the man to take the penguins to the zoo.
The next day the same man is driving down the same highway and is spotted by the same motorcycle cop. Again the cop gives chase and pulls the car over and upon inspection sees the same 4 penguins in the backseat only this time the penguins are wearing bright colored swim trunks and sun glasses. The cop, really pissed off this time, says "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday"
The man smiles and replies "I did! They liked that so much that today I decided to take them to the beach!"
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I1m sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.
"Never better." John said.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time."
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
THE PERFECT MAN
The perfect man is gentle,
Never cruel or mean.
He has a beautiful smile
and keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
and will raise them by your side.
He will be a good father
as well as husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking,
to clean and vacuum too.
He'll do anything in his power
to show his love to you.
The perfect man is sweet;
Writing poetry from your name.
He's a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
or battered you in any way.
To hell with this endless poem.
The perfect man is gay.
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives.
Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
Gold Star Question: Since in Star Trek they always say to boldly go where no one has been before, how come they always meet someone?
Jon goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Jon puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Judi, but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Jon then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
TWELVE FROM THE PUNTRY
1 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,"I'll just have the eggs Benedict."
His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"
The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
(think about this one- it's ugh, math :P )
6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
7. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
8. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
9. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of he work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
10. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
11. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
12. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
Mother: "Soooo... you want to become my son-in-law."
Suitor: "No, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."
~~~
I think a lot of trouble with the new cars is the bucket seats -- not everyone has the same size bucket.
~~
A department store advertised in the paper it's having a Baby Sale. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer the way we make 'em at home.
~~
Q. Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A. Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Olie died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So his 2 friends, Sven and Lars, went down to try and I.D. the body. Sven went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Sven said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Sven looked at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olie."
The mortician didn't say anything but thought that was kind of strange.
Then he brought Lars to I.D. the body and Lars took a look at him and said "Yaa, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Lars looked down at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olie."
The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well, Olie had 2 assholes."
"What? He had 2 assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yaa, everyone in town knew he had 2 assholes. Every time the three of us went to town everyone would say "Here comes Olie with them 2 assholes!"
THE FACTS OF LIFE
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
(unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.
Drive carefully
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work..
A man usually feels better after a few winks,
especially if she winks back.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
Back to good
~my lil' corner~
Sir Laugh A Lot *jokes*
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