do you really want to know?

its here again
this tortuous twisting
so persisting
knifings its way
through consciousness

it rips through peace
the gurgling is painfully loud
talking of endless remissions
it paints a portrait of pain on porcelain
red is the colour of uncertainty
   an indication of mortality
      an invitation of moroseness
         an exploration of sanity

causation is as unknown as consequence
   can only hope it isn’t cancer -
that democratic disease
I just hope…please
   don’t let it be
      let me live
         let me be

a life of false starts
empty of post-movement analysis
free of dreaded anticipation
removed from holding painful gas
lacking in doubled-over cramps

I’m attacking myself
   from the inside
eroding my integrity
ulcerating   my soul,
inflaming needles debride
   can’t feel whole
       can’t hold it
          can’t defeat it

it seems a bloody curse besets me
as I sit on this chilly throne,
the king of the unmentionable,
subject of an anxious bowel