If you're like most parents, you love your kids

"Have you drugged your kid today?"
Not with those icky, non-regulated drugs
like marijuana or crack cocaine
but friendly, family drugs, or should we say
positive behaviour modification tools?

are your kids bored
angsty, disobedient, too intelligent
or just plain weird?
do they look like rejects
from the horror movies
you used to make out too
in the back row?

you might need to consider some therapy
or giving your child that
recommended daily dosage
of Ritalin, Zoloft or Prozac

and if that doesn't work,
you may have to get tough
and show them 48 hours straight
of 'Leave it to Beaver', 'Family Affair',
'My Three Sons' and 'Father Knows Best'
You need shock treatment, Family Values style!

remember folks, school isn't boring
you loved school, didn't you.
Don't talk to your kids
talk at them!
see how much easier it is
when you give them their daily fix?

Don't think of it as stifling their creativity,
cramping their style or oppressing their individuality
Instead, think of it as helping them to fit in
and adapt to our hectic modern lifestyle
Don't ask what they want to do,

TELL THEM WHAT TO DO
OBEY! OBEY! OBEY!

this skill is much more important
than any other lesson they'll learn
from some hippy creative-writing teacher

While your doing this, remove the source
of all your misery -
your child's record collection

We really don't know how
you let it happen in the first place
but now, you know what you must do
TAKE IT TO THE TRASH CAN AND BURN IT!

Don't worry about the toxic fumes
nothing is as toxic as the
tunes and lyrics burned into these CDs
Didn't you know that music
tells them to 'kill your parents'
if you played it backwards, you'd know
but you don't want to be disturbed,
so just believe it when we say
rap, punk, techno and goth are the devils music!

Not even Johnny Cash is safe
'cos he's a bleeding-heart liberal
whose soft on crime

If you're kids protest, don't back down
either beat them senseless
or tell them, 'That's the way the world is!'

We don't want no violence
We don't want no freaks
This is America, Love it or Leave It!

And then, when your life has returned
to middle-brow sitcome normal,
you can be rest-assured
that despite the guns in the cupboard
despite the years of putdowns
despite the prospect of 40 years
in mind-numbing employment
Your kid's not gonna be one of them
one of those freaks
who listens to Satan's music
and then goes and shoots their classmates
no siree, they'll grow to be fine
upstanding citizens like 'Dubya',
Dan Quayle, Ollie North or
maybe make a mint like that
great American nerd Bill Gates
whose just lucky he didn't go to our school
because preppy geeks need taking down a peg or two
just in case they think they're better than the rest of us!

So folks, if you are having problems with your kids
we are here to help you.
Just call our operators
and for $79.80 or four easy payments of $19.95,
you can get help, with our
'Bringing Up Kid Right' starter pack
complete with a comprehensive guide
to teenage problems
and the drugs that can cure them

CALL NOW
and you can save your kids life
help save America
be what we want it to be
while giving yourself peace of mind