Journal: Dive into
Reality
This is to be a mix of journal writings, musings, and reflections on life, so you might have some idea of what I am really thinking which is the all important.
March 3, 2000, 2:47 pm
Its been another long while since I've added anything, but to be honest I could really care less. Things have just been really boring here nothing to do at all, I know its a typical complaint, so fuck off. I feel like I have been are am being commercialized now, I have always hated just about everyone at my school, and never wanted to have anything to do with special events or school spirit. But now it seems like I am getting caught up in it, it doesn't seem all too bad, but I feel like I am being used and I am betraying myself. I have now been nominated for most unique person at my school and I am almost looking forward to winning it (I know I am jinxing myself, but I feel like I should end up winning it), but that is not the reason why I am different and if I win this award I will be recognized for being different and I feel that comprimizes it, and that I am no longer different than anyone else, other than in looks. That on top of me seeming to be able to almost make friends left and right, but still magically have no girl-friend, felt I was close for a minute but I have now just about abandoned hope. Just to add a bit of humor to that it appears that rumor is going around that Lauren and I are going out, ya like that would actually happen, so with the possibility that we will both win for most unique and both helping out Rhonda's drama presentation, I am sure it will not help out much or make Lauren much happier.
January 31, 2000, 8:57 pm
Well its been a while since I last wrote something, but there have been reasons, I have just been so damn busy. Well I nearly had a nervous breakdown last Saturday, things had just been piling up on me for the past while and I just about couldn't handle it anymore, I almost flipped, but I don't know somehow I kept a bit of composure, but it was just a bad night. On top of that The Nipple Freaks broke up, right in the middle of the set I said that it was our last show and we agreed and broke up, we still managed a few songs after that but it was a bad night, oh ya almost forgot to add someone stole my drum stool as well. I finished my last exam today and it will be nice to have a couple days to rest and relax hopefully. But for some reason I have had a real desire to play music or optimisum I am not really sure yet, it just seems that music would fit well with everything, doors seem to have opened up today for me, it could also be that the stress has lifted off me. But I'll enjoy it for now.
January 1, 2000, 1:15 pm
Its the dawning of a new millenium, and I couldn't feel better about it!
December 30, 1999, 1:06 pm
Well, just like what they say breaking up is hard to do. It seems whatever I do I just end up screwing myself over more, I don't really know anymore I think geniounly this time I will just give up to make my life simpler. It seems that I was right on two counts earlier and hopefully I will know better in the future, all I can say now is that you can never be paranoid enough. Time can never go by soon enough when you're in a position like this.
December 26, 1999, 5:33 pm
After reading my entries I realize this is not me I am trying to be someone I don't want to be anymore. Hopefully I will now start writing about things in my life that make sense and I can look back at them. ie. Christmas was nice (although if somebody only woke me up on time) got pretty much everything I asked for, which could be looked upon as the only downside I pretty much knew what I was to be getting. I found that while I was happy with everything, I kinda miss being young and getting all kinds of new toys that you could play with for days on end, by mid-day I found myself totally bored. Today was such a nice day, my first Sunday in months that I could sleep in and rest and watch only the best TV shows. I just love lying in bed for a couple hours before having to get up. The only downside today (other than getting stuck in a blizzard and not seeing the Western Tanager) was not going into Toronto, but at least I can still go in several times this week which is still a lot better than once a week.
December 22, 1999, 11:14 am
Ever feel like you've been screwed up the ass?
December 19, 1999, 6:17 pm
Well it has been a few days (over a week actually) but now I think I can finally say I am just about truly happy. I had set out about a year and a half ago with three goals in mind that would make my life feel complete: 1) To have a job. 2) Start a band. 3) Find a girl-friend. And well I got my job at Loblaws over a year ago now, started a band two months ago, and now have a girl-friend too. Everything is coming up Mike.
December 1, 1999, 9:57 pm
I am carrying around too much falseness, I will start shedding it today as it has become too much of a burden to carry around.
November 29, 1999,3:32
I feel just totally under-everything, appreciated, used, acknowledged, cared for, ...etc. I try and be the best for my friends, help them out, be nice to them, caring about their feelings. But, no one seems to appreciate it, I get the token thanks, but can hear their laughter under their voice of just using someone, when was the last time someone phoned me just to talk, really care about how I was doing or do something for me, when was the first. I try and offer my help in different places and often am simply turned down or given a petty task, never acknowledged I could actually do something, I guess after so many years of being different I can't actually be concidered trust-worthy anymore, maybe I should of given in to peer pressure back then and been everybody's friend, maybe it would of changed for the better ...probably not.
November 26, 1999, 12:25 am
I haven't been in the best of moods of late, I seem to swing back and forth like a pendulum going faster, but at the same time spending more time on the negative side. It seems like everything is going fine and everything, but I seem to be missing something. What I feel missing is a close friend, I have made various attempts with people I feel I could connect with, but all seem to backfire and almost end up worse. It seems like I am destined never to have a good friend (and a girl friend is certainly not closer), just friends to hang out with, no one I feel I could trust with my thoughts and feelings and who would care, but why would anybody. Maybe I'll just end up writing diaries for the rest of my life....the wait continues.
November 23, 1999
Today was probably the best fog day of the year. While it doesn't have the atmosphere of a summer thunderstorm, it certainly has its own mystique as it wraps everything in a velvet blanket of moisture, all of the world is hidden except what is in front of your face. Which leads me to this, life should be more like fog because if you know everything already there is nothing to look forward to, some things should be covered up and go on unnoticed.
November 15, 1999
Today was a bad day. It seems that once your on a roll it just keeps going. Today just snowballed after it started. Good days seem to happen the same way. I am more scared than anything. I mean I've had a few bad days, and more than a few good days. I seem to be in more than a lull if anything, nothing really bad happening to me, than again nothing really good happening either. Thats the problem its been so long since a bad day, I know one is just around the corner. Just like a earthquake your fine for a while...
November 8, 1999
Today I learned how to age gracefully, if one can learn how to age at all.
I was told I looked beautiful today, it is a marvel what clothes can do for you. I am as disfigured as I ever was, I would only believe it if they came out of the blue and did it.
My friends always seem constant, in numbers, like the shifting winds of time, constantly changing though. I never seem to figure out what I did wrong, only I am wrong. It seems that the people you want the most, see the most in, and hope the best for, are always an inch too far and never turn to help. Only you find people who don't make sense at all.
I am 18 now, an adult, I feel so old. What I wouldn't give to be 15 for a day or a lifetime, I don't know how I am going to last until 40. Nobody knows and that is the way it should be so then only the people who care...