Oasis - The Next Stage
Original by Stephen Kennedy

SEPTEMBER 2000

Oasis make their first movie, entitled 'Hey! Hey! It's Oasis! (Have You Got A Problem With That?)', after massive success in America. The band delight US journalists with their natural Man humour:

Journo: "Liam, are you a mod or a rocker?"
Liam: (Silence)
Journo: "Ha ha ha hahahahaha!!! That's brilliant!!!"

The band are invited onto the Ed Sullivan Show. Despite his death some years previously, Sullivan is desperate to feature the band, and his rotted corpse is propped up in the corner of the stage, and occasionally made to jerk around by the use of strategically placed fishing wire. The movie is a huge success, despite just being one long, profanity-heavy argument between Liam and Noel about the weather, while the other members of the band stand around and try to look wacky in silly hats.

JANUARY 2001

Oasis' 'Psychedelic' album is released after Noel takes a trip to India with the band's 'guru', Colombian Pete. The first single is 'inspired' hook, line and sinker, note for f---ing note, by 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds' and is entitled 'LSD'. Noel denies that it's about LSD, telling reporters that it's actually about cocaine.

The album features an array of weird, trippy sound effects, including a backwards message from Liam at the end of the final track, 'Raspberry Fields Forever'. The message goes: "Errgh wooorhff brugug therminy gagagragab". When playing the message forwards, it sounds exactly the same. Scientists have since proved that this is, in fact, how Liam actually speaks.

MARCH 2001

The first fatal mistake. Noel, invited to meet the Pope, tells His Holiness and a watching audience of 14 million that he thinks Oasis are bigger than God. Widespread condemnation from Christians and the Church prompts Noel to go on TV to make a statement, which says, "Yes, I said Oasis are bigger than God. I meant it then and I mean it now. Fookin' beardy, omnipresent twat".

And there the matter rests, for now.

AUGUST 2001

Rumours sweep the world that Noel is dead, prompted by the cover of the band's latest single 'Let It Lie', showing Noel floating face up in the Manchester Shipping Canal with a fork rammed in his throat. "Noel's just having a rest", says Liam afterwards, "and then we're going to record some new songs which I... sorry, he's written and everything".

The rumours persist until a concert at Wembley Stadium, where Noel appears to have fishing wire strategically attached to his clothes. The first single from their new 'Give Peas A Chance' album, 'ShakeyMakey', reaches number 73 and reviewers point out that Noel is even plagiarising himself.

DECEMBER 2001

The band split after a gig on the roof of the gentlemen's conveniences in London's Ladbroke Grove.

MARCH 2026

The first new Oasis track in 25 years, 'A Bird, I'm Free, Me', is released, featuring some 'lost' vocals from Noel who, Liam stresses, definitely isn't dead. Universally panned, it leads to the album 'Oasis Anthology Volume One', which is just 'Definitely Maybe' in a different cover. In mono.