A young boy comes home from school & his mother says, "What did
you do today?"
To which the boy answers, "Oh, the usual, I had a math test, I got
an A in Spelling and I had sex with my English teacher."
The mother, aghast, doesn't know that to say. She stems & stammers
and finally, angrily, she says, "Go in & tell your father what you
just told me!"
The boy goes into see his father & says, "Gee, mom sure is mad."
The father says, "Why?"
"I just told her what I did in school today. I had a math test, I
got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my English teacher."
Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a
nudge and a wink and says, "Congratulations - you passed a
milestone. I tell you what - let's go out and celebrate. We'll
have some ice cream and then I'll buy you a new bike."
To which the boy says, "The ice cream sounds great Dad, but let's
hold off on the bike a few days - my ass is killing me."
The Quickie
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to
send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the
neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An
ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding
a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled
father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
=================================================================
Horny Parrot
Then there was the farmer who had a very horny parrot.
Now, this parrot was very smart, and he learned to open his cage.
Every night he would slip out of his cage, head out to the henhouse,
and have wild sex with the farmer's hens.
The farmer finally threatened to pull out a feather from the parrot's
head every time he caught him in the henhouse. After two or three
pluckings, the parrot finally stopped molesting the hens.
The next day, the farmer's wife invited their minister over for tea.
The minister removed his hat, revealing a bald head.
"Hey, Padre!" squawked the parrot, "Who's chickens have you been
fucking?"
====================================================================
That's What You Think
A man visited a fortune teller and sat in front of her crystal ball.
"I see you are the father of two children," she said.
"Ha, that's what you think", the man replied.., "I'm the father of
three children."
The forture teller smiled and said, "That's what you think!"
=================================================================
Wifes
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an
overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing
their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she
told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the
Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful
omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly
asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last
night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she
say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
=================
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest
speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, Is he
still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to
kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they
do "practice?"
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on
their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one
meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal
eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his
wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they
afraid someone will clean them?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make
a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or
naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has
the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank
machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road
sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal
injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because
they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
THE HANDWRITING IN THE SNOW
During the night, a big snow storm hit Washington, D.C. That morning, Bill
Clinton wakes up and looks out his window. Below the window someone has
piss-written "Bill's an asshole" in the snow. Furious, Bill calls the head
of the Secret Service into the Oval Office. After screaming for a while
about this horrendous breach of security he tells the man to find the
perpetrator of this foul act.
A couple of days later the head of security returns with his report. "Mr.
President", he says, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good
news is that we have found out that the person who pissed in the snow was
Bob Dole."
"That's great!", the president says. "I'm going to nail that puke to the
wall for this. What's the bad news?"
"It appears to be Hillary's handwriting."
********************************
NERD SEASON
A trucker hauling a load of computers out West stops for a beer. As he
approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT
ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he
smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The trucker
says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he's
hauling. The bartender says OK, truckers aren't nerds, and then draws him
a draft.
As the trucker is sipping on his brew, a skinny guy walks in with tape
around the bridge of his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of
pens and pencils in it, and a belt at least a foot too long. The
bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy
away.
The trucker asks him why he did that. The bartender told him not to worry,
the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You
don't even need a license", he said.
So the trucker finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back
onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident and the load
shifts. The trailer doors break open and computers spill out all over the
freeway. The trucker jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing
up the computers. They're all engineers, accountants and programmers
wearing the nerdiest clothes he's ever seen. He knows he can't let them
steal his whole load. So remembering what happened back at the bar, he
pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, dropping several of them
instantly.
Suddenly, a highway patrol officer comes zooming up out of nowhere and
jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop shooting.
The trucker said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well,
sure they are," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
================
Why we put little angels on top of our Christmas trees.....
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual
trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and
the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so
Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed
Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out
heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh,
one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered
the toys all over the place.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of
whiskey. When he opened the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the
liquor and there was nothing strong to drink. He decided to have a cup of
coffee, but in his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke
into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was
made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the
door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree
Santa?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the
Christmas tree.
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their
Country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three
soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to
the General's office.
"Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give
out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your
efforts were appreciated.
What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on
your body. You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of
distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so
what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip
of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144
pounds"
Soldier 3: "The tip of me dick to me balls, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son!
As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where are your
balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"
Hunting Season
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
stops
for dinner. As he approaches the door, he sees a big sign on the
door saying,
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.
The waiter comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of
nerdy. What do you do for a living?
The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from
the computers he is hauling. The waiter says, "OK, truck drivers
are not nerds," and takes his order.
As he is eating, a skinny guy walks in with tape on his glasses, a
pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt
at least a foot too long. The waiter, without saying a word, pulls
out a shotgun and blows the nerdy guy away. The truck driver asks
him why he did that.
The waiter said, "Not to worry. The nerds are overpopulating the
Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a
license," he said.
So the truck driver finishes his meal, gets back in his truck, and
heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an
accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and
computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a
crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all
engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes
he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.
So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and
starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A
highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in
season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He
rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie. "I will grant you three
wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch."
The man was ecstatic. "What catch?" he asked.
The Genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in
the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated
man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared
in front of the man.
"NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferrari's," said the
Genie.
"Next wish?"
"I'd LOVE a million dollars..." replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "NOW, every
lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars," said the Genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the
man.
"What is your final wish?"
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know,
I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."
Waarom krijgt een dom blondje maar een kwartier middagpauze? -
Anders moet ze weer opnieuw ingewerkt worden.
Een dom blondje en een brunette lopen over straat, zegt die
brunette: "Kijk, een dood vogeltje|"
Het blondje kijkt omhoog en zegt: "waar dan?"
Waarom neemt een dom blondje een doorzichtige broodtrommel mee naar
haar werk?
- Dan kan ze zien of ze naar het werk toegaat of van het werk
afkomt.
Hoe noemen ze het fenomeen dat een blondje haar haar bruin laat
verven? - Kunstmatige intelligentie.
Hoe maak je een dom blondje op maandagmorgen aan het lachen? - Op
vrijdagmiddag een mop vertellen.
Hoe vaak lacht een dom blondje om een mop?
- 3x: 1e keer als ie verteld wordt, 2e keer als ie uitgelegd wordt,
3e keer als ze hem snapt.
Hoe weet je dat een dom blondje achter je computer heeft gezeten? -
Dan zit er type-ex op je scherm.
Wat vraagt een dom blondje als ze zwanger is? - Het is toch niet
van mij, he?
Hoe kan je een dom blondje uren bezighouden?
- Schrijf 'draai me om' op 2 kanten van een papiertje
Waarom is er nooit een dom blondje als Liftbediende? - Ze weten de
weg niet.
Wat is verschil tussen een dom blondje en een strijkplank? - Bij
een strijkplank gaan de poten moeilijk uit elkaar.
Hoe maak je een dom blondje in de war? - Kan niet, ze worden zo
geboren.
Waarom houden domme blondjes niet van M&Ms? - Ze zijn zo moeilijk
om te pellen.
Hoe zie je het als een dom blondje een slechte dag heeft?
- Haar tampon bengelt achter haar oor terwijl ze haar sigaret
zoekt.
Hoe noem je een dom blondje met een intelligentie afname van 90%? -
Gescheiden.
Het domme blondje stierf tijdens het drinken van melk, hoezo? - De
koe ging zitten.
Wat is het verschil tussen een computer en een dom blondje? -
Computers hoef je maar 1 keer iets te leren.
Hoe kan je zien dat een fax verstuurd is door een dom blondje? -
Dan zit er een postzegel op.
Wat is het verschil tussen een toilet en een dom blondje? - Een
toilet achtervolgt je niet als je hem gebruikt hebt.
Wat is het verschil tussen een crossmotor en een dom blondje? -
Niet iedereen heeft op een crossmotor gereden.
Waarom is het handig als er een dom blondje in je auto zit? - Dan
mag je op een gehandicapten parkeerplaats staan.
Wat is de overeenkomst tussen een schildpad en een dom blondje? -
Als je ze op hun rug legt, gaan ze raar doen.
Waarom zit het gezicht van een dom blondje vol met gaatjes? - Omdat
ze probeerde om met een vork te eten.
Waarom hebben domme blondjes benen?
- Om te lopen tussen de slaapkamer en de keuken.
Waarom hebben domme blondjes 2 hersencellen meer dan een koe? -
Zodat als je aan hun tepels trekt, ze niet gaan loeien.
Waarom slikken domme blondjes de pil? - Dan weten ze welke dag het
is.
Waarom werkt een dom blondje niet bij een apotheker?
- Omdat ze het flesje niet tussen de typemachine in krijgt.
Waarom belde een dom blondje nooit 06-11?
- Ze kon het getal 11 niet op het toestel vinden.
De kerstman, een fee, een dom blondje en een slim blondje zien op
straat een briefje van 25 gulden liggen. Wie raapt het briefje op?
- Het domme blondje, alle andere personen bestaan niet.
Wat is het verschil tussen een Ferrari en een dom blondje? - Die
auto leen je niet uit aan een vriend.
Wat is het verschil tussen BigFoot en een slim blondje? - Van
BigFoot zijn ten minste nog sporen gevonden.
Waarom is een wasmachine beter dan een dom blondje?
- Omdat die je niet achterna blijft lopen nadat je hem gevuld hebt.
Wat krijg je als je een dom blondje 10 cent voor haar gedachten
geeft?
- Wisselgeld terug.
Hoe noem je een dom blondje met 2 hersencellen? - Zwanger.
Hoe noem je een slim blondje?
- Een golden retriever.
Wat zie je als je diep in de ogen kijkt van een dom blondje? - De
achterkant van haar hoofd.
Wat krijg je als je dom blondje kruist met een gorilla? - Dat weten
ze nog niet want de gorilla wil niet.
Wat is de overeenkomst tussen een dom blondje en een bowlingbal? -
De kans is groot dat ze beide in de goot eindigen
Wat is de overeenkomst tussen een dom blondje en een flesje bier? -
Vanaf de hals naar boven zit er niets meer in.
Hoeveel domme blondjes zijn er nodig om een chocoladetaart te
maken?
- 25, 1 om het deeg te kneden en 24 om de m&m's te pellen.
Waarom zit een doof dom blondje naakt op een krant? - Omdat ze kan
liplezen.
Waarom kan een dom blondje niet waterskieen?
- Als haar poes nat wordt, gaan der benen automatisch wijdt.
Hoe doet een dom blondje het licht aan na een hevige vrijpartij? -
Ze opent de deur van de auto.....
Waarom komt een dom blondje altijd droevig uit London? - De Big Ben
blijkt een toren te zijn.
Waarom heeft een dom blondje een zere navel? - Omdat ze ook een
domme vriend heeft.
Waarom verzamelen blondines kapotte gloeilampen? - Om een donkere
kamer te bouwen.
Hoe weet men of een lesbische blondine op je computer aan het werk
is geweest?
- Er zit lippenstift op je muis.
Wat is het verschil tussen een valscherm en een blondine? - Een
valscherm opent zich niet altijd.
Wat hebben een eekhoorn en een blondine gemeen? - Ze springen van
eikel naar eikel.
Wat krijg je als je een blondine naakt op haar hoofd zet? - Een
spaarvarken met een slechte adem.
Waarom neemt een blondine een autodeur mee naar het strand?
- Om een raampje open te kunnen zetten als het te warm wordt.
Waarom stellen blondines zich op handen en knieen na het vrijen? -
Om er je creditcard door te laten glijden.
Een blondine zet zich op de vlucht naar Mallorca in eerste klas,
ondanks het feit dat ze een economy ticket heeft. De hostess vraagt
haar om zich te verplaatsen, maar de blondine weigert. De purser
vraagt haar op zijn beurt hetzelfde, maar de blondine blijft zitten.
De purser vraagt een tweede hostess, toevalling een blondine, een
allerlaatste poging te wagen. De hostess fluistert de blondine iets
in het oor, waarop ze naar de economy klas spurt.
Wat heb je gedaan, wat heb je haar verteld?, vraagt de purser. Oh,
zegt de hostess, ik zei haar dat de eerste klas niet tot Mallorca
vliegt.
Wat is het verschil tussen het heelal en een blondine? - In het
heelal is er nog hoop op intelligent leven.
Wat zijn de hersenen van een blondine in een plastic zak? - Een
airbag.
Wat zegt een blondine die wakker wordt onder een koe? - Elk op zijn
beurt jongens|
Voor het eerst in de geschiedenis rijdt een blondine een
F1-wedstrijd. Na afloop blijkt dat ze 75 pitsstops nodig heeft
gehad:
drie om te tanken, vier om banden te wisselen en 68 om de weg te
vragen.
Waarvoor wil een blondine geen Getuige van Jehova zijn? - Ze
beweert dat ze het ongeval niet gezien heeft.
Een blonde hoer werd razend kwaad.
Ze kwam erachter dat de andere hoeren werden betaald.
Een blondine trapte in een koeiestront en begon waanzinnig te
wenen. Ze dacht dat ze begon te smelten.
Waarvoor heeft een blondine nooit ijsblokjes in haar keuken? - Ze
kent het recept niet.
Tijdens een wandeling krijgt een blondine vogelstront in het oog.
"Wacht", zegt haar vriendin, "ik haal een beetje papier". "Niet
nodig", zegt de blondine, "hij is waarschijnlijk toch al gaan
vliegen".
De bemanning van de Space Shuttle bestaat uit twee blondines. Een
blondine maakt een ruimtewandeling terwijl de andere binnen blijft
om de instrumenten te bedienen. Na de wandeling klopt de ene
blondine
op de Shuttle-deur. Zegt de andere blondine: "Wie is het?"
Waarom opent een blondine een doos melk in de supermarkt? - Er
staat "Hier openen" op.
Wat zeg je tegen een blondine die het niet met je wil doen? - Ik
weet het ook niet, het is me nog nooit overkomen.
Wat is het verschil tussen een blondine en HIV? - HIV ontwikkelt
zich.
Waarom zijn er zo weinig blonde gymnastes? - Bij spreidstand kleven
ze aan de grond.
Hoe merk je dat een blondine een vriendje heeft? - Zijn gesp staat
in haar voorhoofd gedrukt.
Wat is het verschil tussen een blondine en een bowlingbal? - Geen
enkel. Beiden hebben drie bruikbare gaten.
Hoe noem je een blondine die een golfbal door een 30 m lange
tuinslang kan zuigen?
- Schatje|
Waarom geven blondines geen borstvoeding?
- Het doet te veel pijn wanneer ze hun borsten koken
Wat is een dom blondje met twee hersencellen? - zwanger
Wat is het verschil tussen een dom blondje en een computer?
- In een computer hoef je maar ‚‚n keer informate in te voeren.
Waarom eten domme blondjes geen bananen?
- Ze kunnen de rits niet vinden.
- Ze kunnen het trek lipje niet vinden.
Waarom heeft een dom blondje groene lipstick op? - Omdat rood STOP
betekend.
Waarom heeft een dom blondje rode lipstick op? - Omdat rood "STOP
verkeerde gat" betekend.
Hoe kun je zien dat een dom blondje in de koelkast is geweest? -
Aan de lipstick op de komkommers.
Waarom rijdt een dom blondje in een BMW? - Omdat ze dat kunnen
spellen.
Waarom hebben domme blondjes TEE op hun schoenen staan? - Tenen
Eerst Erin.
Wat moet je doen wanneer een dom blondje een handgranaat naar je
toe gooit?
- De pin eruit trekken en terug gooien.
Wat moet je doen wanneer een dom blondje een pin naar je toe gooit?
- Heel hard wegrennen, want ze heeft de handgranaat nog in haar nog
in haar mond.
Wat is het verschil tussen een dom blondje en een tandenborstel? -
Je leent je tandenborstel niet uit aan je beste vriend.
Wat is het verschil tussen een dom blondje en een telefoon? - Het
kost een kwartje om de telefoon te gebruiken.
Waarom heeft God domme blondjes geschapen?
- Omdat een hond geen fles bier uit de koelkast kan halen en die
naar je toe brengen.
Hoe krijg je een dom blondje gek?
- Geef haar een zak M&M's en zeg dat ze die op alfabet moet leggen.
Wat is het voorbehoedsmiddel van een dom blondje? - Een bruine
haarkleurspoeling.
Een moeder tegen haar domme blonde dochter als ze uit gaat:
"Als je om 12 uur nog niet in bed ligt kom je maar thuis slapen|
Wat zegt een dom blondje als ze 's morgens wakker wordt? - "Ik denk
dat ik maar weer eens naar huis toe ga."
* STUFF TO PONDER *
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many
clothes?
Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF?
Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
IF "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the opposite of
PROGRESS?
Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients.... but DISH
WASHING LIQUID contains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it?
Why do we wash BATH TOWELS-aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?
Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What's another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating
an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is
he still wrong?
If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat
High IQ
There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day
fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set
free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the
guys just doesn't believe it, and says:
"Ok, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."
The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting
Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The
second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid:
"Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done."
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to
problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields:
physics, chemistry, etc. The last guy is so enthralled with the
changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid:
"Quintiple my I.Q."
The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try
to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish
you'd reconsider."
The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five,
and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
"Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're
asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for
something else...a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the
mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times
it's usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said:
"Done."
And he became a woman.
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.
He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot
the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for
speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers license...?" "...What's a
license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she
was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may
I see your registration..." asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in
your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a
minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned
into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.
After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm.... is this woman
driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer. "Is she a drop
dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back,
and drop your pants..." "WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..."
exclaimed the cop. "Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration
and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down
and sighs..."Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer test..."
This guy goes to a baseball game, orders a hot dog, and sits down eating
it. Pretty soon, another guy comes over and says: "Do you mind if I sit
here?"
The first guy says, "no, sit down."
"Thanks a lot," says the second guy, "cause I'm a leper, and a lot of
people have a strong aversion to us lepers."
"No problem."
A couple innings go by and the leper looks over at the guy who had eaten
the hot dog. He has become violently ill, heaving his guts all over the
place.
"I knew I'd make you sick," says the leper, "I'm gonna leave."
"No, it's not you," says the guy, "just sit down."
The leper sits back down.
A couple more innings pass and the leper looks over to see the guy still
heaving his guts.
"I know I'm making you sick," says the leper, "I'm gonna leave."
"No--it's not you. Just sit back down," the guy says.
The leper sits back down.
Ninth inning comes. By this time the guy has dry heaves. The leper
stands up, looks at the guy, and says: "Look, I know I've been making
you sick. Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm gonna bow my head and
walk out of here so you can enjoy the last remaining minutes of this
game."
"No, no, it's not you. Sit down," the guy says.
So the leper sits back down.
Finally, the leper says: "Look, if it's not me, I gotta know--what's
been
making you sick?"
"It's the guy behind you," says the other guy, "he keeps dipping his
nachos in your back."
Learning Chinese
Chinese Dictionary
Dung On Mai Shu---------------------I stepped in excrement
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu-------------------Let's sleep together
Ai Bang Mai Ne-----------------------I bumped into the coffee table
Fat Ho--------------------------------An unattractive woman
Ar U Wun Tu-------------------------A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat---------------------------You need a face lift
Chow Mai Dong----------------------Blow me
Dum Gai------------------------------A stupid person
Wel Hung Gai-------------------------Is that a banana in your pocket?
Won Hung Low--------------------Southern Chinese dialect or Wel Hung Gai
Gun Pao Der--------------------------An ancient chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung------------------------Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hi Ding-- ---------------------We have reason to believe you are
harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun-----------------------A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia-----------------------------Approach me
Lao Ze Sho--------------------------Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi-------------------------------Not very good
Lin Ching----------------------------An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding ---------------------A great achievement of the American space
program
Ne Ahn- ----------------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising
signs
Shai Gai-----------------------------A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be----------------------A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne-----------------------A small horse
Ten Ding Ba-------------------------Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung----------------------A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan----------------------Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah-----------------------Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim-------------------------Are yo trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting--------------------There is no reason to raise your voice
My First Time
The sky was dark, the moon was high, All alone, just her and I.
Her hair was so soft; her eyes so blue, I knew just what she wanted to
do.
Her skin so soft; her legs so fine;
I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn't know how, but I tried my best;
I started by placing my hands on her breast.
I remember my fear, my fast beating heart; But slowly she spread her
legs apart.
And when I did it I felt no shame;
All at once the white stuff came.
At last it's all finished; it's all over now. My first time ever at
milking a cow.
The Queen and Di are out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers.
Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car.
"Give us the money", they shout at the Queen.
"But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money."
"Oh, sh*t", says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Di.
"Give us yer jewels."
"But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions."
The armed robbers looked fed up, when suddenly they heard the
sound of wailing sirens approaching.
"Quick, out of the car. We"ll have the Range Rover at least", and
with that the robbers drove off.
As the Queen and Di are waiting for the police to get there, Di turns to
the Queen.
"What did you do to all the cash you had? You're always loaded."
"Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds
before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into
that little place that women have. Reaching into her skirt, she
produces several thousand pounds in notes.
"And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of
jewellery, my dear." The Queen says to Di.
"Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the
car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you,
slipped them into that little place that only women have."
Reaching down she plucks out her jewellery.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to
Di..."You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have
that Range Rover."
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of
Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few
minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from
the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the
local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service
station
attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his
waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
President Clinton and the Pope die exactly on the same day.
Because of some mix-up, Clinton goes to heaven and the Pope to hell.
The Pope is outraged and gives a new meaning to 'raise hell'. After a
few
days, they discover the error and the Pope can go to heaven but Clinton
must take his place.
On the way up, the Pope meets Clinton.
They chat a little and the Pope tells Clinton he will finally meet the
Virgin Mary and that he has longed for this moment all of his life.
But Clinton replies: "Too late my boy, too late ..."
A hard-working, ambitious yuppie (computer engineer) finally decided to
take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded
to
have the time of his life . . . at least for awhile. Suddenly a hurricane
came up unexpectedly. The ship foundered and sank almost instantly.
The
man came to on the shore of an island with no other people, no
supplies,
nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had
no idea what to do. So for the next 4 months he ate bananas, drank
coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea,
hoping to spot a rescue
ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the
corner of his eye. All of a sudden a row-boat appeared, and in it was the
most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In
disbelief,
he asked her:
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when
my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many
of
you are there? You were really lucky to have a row-boat wash up with
you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the row-boat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the row-boat?"
"Oh, simple." replied the woman, "I made the row-boat out of raw
materials
that I found on the island. The oars I whittled from Gum tree branches, I
wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern I made
from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"But - but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the
island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I used that for
tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she
said. "Where do you live?"
Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the
whole
time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As
the man looked around him, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him
was
a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the row-boat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the
man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house,
she
said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would
you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut
juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a
Pina colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat
down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the
woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would
you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the
cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There,
in
the cabinet, he found a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells
honed to
a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside a swivel
mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but tropical vines
and
flowers - strategically placed - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began,
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very
long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really
feel
like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these
months?
You know . . . " She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean . . . ?", he replied,
"I can check my e-mail from here?"
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a check-up. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never
takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my
boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his
Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have
a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
Subject: The Blonde Painter
Julie, a blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided
to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd
jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie:
"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks alright?" Julie asked.
"Yeah,great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the
garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the
house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on
it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all
finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed, "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two
coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porche, it's a
Ø Ferrari."
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Grammar often botches other headlines
:
Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one
intended:
Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:
If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
What’s the speed limit of sex?
68! Because at 69 you have to turn around.
The Subway Ride
A woman was on a packed subway car during rush hour, and every one was
packed close to each other. The woman turned to the man behind her and said,
Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to call the cops
I don’t know what you’re talking about miss – that’s just my pay check in
my pocket
Oh really, she replied, You must have one hell of a job because that’s
the fifth raise you’ve had in the last 10 minutes
Summer Grilling
A man and his wife are doing yard work. The husband says to his wife,
Your ass is as wide as the grill!.
Ignoring the remark, the wife continues to go about her work.
A little later the husband decides he will press the comment with her, and
begins sizing her rump with his tape measure while she leans over into a flower
bed. Gee, it is as wide as the grill! he tells her in a cruel and insensitive
manner.
Later on that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky and
tries to get close.
If you think I’m going to fire up my grill for one little wiener, you’re
sadly mistaken, she calmly responds, turning over to go to get some sleep.
Sins of the Father
===============
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said,
"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most
beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk
with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful
wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool
around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm
afraid you can't marry her."
William was heartbroken. After eight months he eventually started
dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced,
Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted
on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is
your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious!
He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get
married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any
attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
Sick Joke of the Day
==================
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and
They were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You
know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up
today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and
spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over
the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man
hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and
ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and
dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were
filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your
day?" The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to
the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way
all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came
back to camp." "Wow," the first guy says, "did you get a blow job?"
"No," says the second friend. "I couldn't find her head."
The Mermaid and the Cow
======================
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their
three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the
window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead
in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she
possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she
hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the
cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot
himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got
to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've
seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with
me five times in a row, I
will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to
try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So
the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to
him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make
everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough
to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in
The field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless
prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he
also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make
everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son
replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat
taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five
times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he
said, "Why not THIRTY times
in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex
with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect
health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times
in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
smile
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to
one another about their successful sons. The first woman
tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps in, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he
walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third woman crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever
he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the
first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look.
"My son is 6'2" has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and
dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women
just say 'Oh my God...'."
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The
doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is
three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's
three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did
you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
================================================================
At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY
naked,
VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the
men
on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle
had a
VERY PINK penis.
While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out,
the
artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you
with
this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the gentleman. "We were curious about this picture
of the
black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a
pink
penis?"
"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting.
The
three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the
middle went home for lunch!"
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man
comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I
got
the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the
bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I
got
the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the
bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on
the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as
got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with
her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and
tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and
my wife walked in.....
Father O'leary is doing confession one Sunday when he realizes he has to
pee.
He peeks his head out of the confessional and sees a group of altar
boys sitting in the pews. He calls out for one and asks the little
boy to take his place while he goes to the bathroom, "Whenever they
enter allow them to confess, and using this list, give them the
appropriate
repentance." There's a list posted on his side of the confessional.
"For theft, 6 hail-marys. For murder, 12 hail-marys and an hour of
silent prayer, and so on, ya got it." The boy nods and proceeds to
wait.
Along comes a lady who enters the confessional and begins "Father,
it's been 2 weeks since my last confession." The boy, in a low, manly
voice responds "Yes, go on my child." She continues to tell him that
she gave a blowjob to a man who was not her husband. The boy scans the
list saying to himself "Blowjob, blowjob, where's the friggin blowjob".
Well there's no listing for blowjob, so he looks out and asks Tony,
another altar boy, "Hey Tony, what does Father O'leary give for a
blowjob?"
Tony goes, "A handful of Gummi Bears and a Snickers bar."
Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry,
and I am a SNAG."
Another guy says, "What's that?"
The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, "What's that?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."
Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"
She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his
wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.
His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynaecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes
later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again.
This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow too?"
______________________________________________________
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the
lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides
to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze
my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and
squeeze my right breast
one time.
"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great
idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis
one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis
fifty
times"
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
: Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-
: foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around
: the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.
: When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next
: enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll
: go?"
:
: The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody
: locks the gate at night!"
: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
: Yet another true reader story:
:
:
: In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into
: labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out
: to assist in the delivery.
:
: To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him
: a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what
: I'm doing."
:
: Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
:
: "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put
: the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
:
: Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
:
: "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that
: lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried
: the doctor.
:
: The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the
: doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
: I worked as a nurse in a hospital emergency room years ago.
: A 17 year old girl came in with abdominal pain. As the doctor
: was concluding her exam, he asked her if she was sexually
: active. Her reply: "No, I lay real still."
: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill Gates really the devil ????
Proof:
The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry
Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III),
where "III" means the order of third (3rd.)
By converting the letters of his current name to
the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the
following:
B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
+ 3
--------------
666 !!
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?"
Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's
ultimate and total enslavement???
Before you decide, consider the following:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
Coincidence? You decide...
Whew...let's move on now, shall we?
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the
docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her.
"Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. I'm off to America in the
morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer,
he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy,
and
you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to
lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an
arrangement
with one of the sailors," she explained, "
He's taking me to America, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," said
the Captain. "This is the Dover-Calais ferry."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began
to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15
minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just that moment
he remembered that he needed some condoms.
Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some
condoms but forgot" "Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No"
"Okay drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are".
The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl
has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of
large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms
are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way.
Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice
girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl.
A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a
feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3
please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill
and goes on his way. Also watching this course of events was a rather
excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the
same routine. "I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he
says. "Do you know what size you are?" "No."
"Okay, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little
too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their
concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots
of toast. The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a
huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast,
the mother says, "Take the top two slices. The rest are for your
father."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and
the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made
the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute.
You haven't shown me that small blue building over there.
What's that used for?"
The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around.
Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the
camel."
"Enough!" says the commander in disgust.
Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of
a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain."
Lowering his voice and glancing around, he asks, "Is the camel free
anytime soon?"
The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book.
"Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock."
The commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then." So the next day
at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue building and opens
the
door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next
to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and
puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool,
drops
his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel. A minute later the
captain
walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon, sir," says the captain, "but
wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all
the
other men?"
CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton
announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of
Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will
provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is
hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr
and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world,"
Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say
'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally have some vowels in their
incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavor."
The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is
set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny
slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying
over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across
the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities. Citizens of Grzny and
Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.
"My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln,
44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is
understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched
family just one 'E.' Please." Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With
just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."
If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the United States will go
ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping
thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are expected
to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's."
Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but declined. "With
these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to
make some terrific new words," Clinton said. "It should be very exciting for
them, and much easier for us to read their maps."
Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. For decades they have
struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic
words. "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor
University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult
to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence.
Please, just don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those
Eastern European countries." According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have
vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The
potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "All my children are dead from
the war" [And "Oh my God, there's an axe in my head."]
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign
country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000
consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao
with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief
effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted
and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.
Women, go figure
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the
rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is
exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get
off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's
domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a
pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're
sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
THINGS THAT ARE ODD
------------------------------------
* A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station...
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit,
what fool came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead"?
* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* I was thinking that women should put pictures of
missing husbands on beer cans.
* I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all
the wrinkles out of my face.
* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . .
they were cramming for their finals.
* Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in
case
of an emergency.
I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men ?
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS PORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Spot
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the
time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.
"Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
CONFUCIOUS SAY:
baby ill-conceived in automatic car become shiftless bastard.
baseball wrong---man with four balls cannot walk.
fool climb tree to find cherry---wise man spread limbs.
foolish man give wife grand piano---wise man give wife upright organ.
girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
she who flies upside down, crack up.
he who play with self pulls big boner.
house without toilet is uncanny.
women who keep dishwashing detergent on top shelf always jump for joy.
is good for girl to meet boy in park---much better for boy to park meat in girl.
is good to learn how to masturbate---may come in handy!
it take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
man who fart in church sit in his own pew!
man who go to bed with stiff problem---wake up with solution in hand.
man who stands on toilet is high on POT!
man who walk through airport turnstile sideways bound to Bangkok.
man with hand in pocket is having a ball.
man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day!
man with sex problems at night---wakes up with solution at hand.
sailor who get discharged from Navy feel sad to leave buddies behind.
secretary become permanent fixture when screwed on desk.
virginity is like balloon---One prick and it's gone.
woman is like jazz music---3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time.
woman who cook carrots and pees in same pot is unsanitary.
elevator smell different to midget.
Confucious say too damn much!
EAST TEXAS RULES OF ETIQUETTE
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears should be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can put off bathing for several days.
(However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.)
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger
foods.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and
pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners are.
DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on that bathroom wall two
years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie .
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife with a gas can for gas, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a beer cooler larger than a sixpack
to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
"Bill" was in a terrible accident at work.
Oddly, however, the only Permanent damage done to him was that both
of his ears were amputated. But, because he was permanently disfigured, he
settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Bill decided to invest his money in a small, but growing
Computer business. And, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company
outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew
nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could
do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy
was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But
at the end of the interview, Bill asked him, "Do you notice anything
different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but
notice you have no ears." Bill got very angry and threw him out. The second
interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he
asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" ,and
she replied, "Well, you have no ears." Bill again was upset and tossed
her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a
very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was
handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.
Bill was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question,
"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young
man answered "Yes, you wear contact lenses." Bill was shocked, and said,
That's incredibly observant , young man. " How in the world did you know
that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with NO FUCKING EARS!!!!"
She was so blond that. . .
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to
make up her mind.
she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
she told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
"DONT WALK."
they had to burn the school down to get her out of third
grade.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here", she put "Sagittarius."
if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, she moved.
Ø
A Darwin Award Winner.......
Being single isn't that bad when you consider the ways in which you can
become single, like this poor couple. Here's a late entry for the Darwin
Awards - an award generally given out posthumously for the most stupid
way to die - if there is such a thing. A pre-med student from the University
of Arizona was looking to score big with his date on a Friday night.
Determined to put the girl in the mood, he drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon
which overlooked the city of Tucson. They walked to an open knoll where they
could see the city lights. Overcome by the romantic locale, she succumbed to
his pleas and they stripped down, made a bed of their clothes, and
passionately began making love. The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low
rumble of thunder inside them excited the lovers even more. At the first few
flashes of lightning, they never looked up to see the charred remains of once
great trees. Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity
during the warm desert nights. With a blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck
the high point on the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's
ass and sought the path of least resistance ---straight down! Incredibly, he
survived, but was in excruciating pain. The heat of the lightning had
fused together flesh and latex so that the lovers were now stuck together
like
a pair of dogs. The girl, unfortunately, did NOT survive the lightning
strike! When the student looked down into the vacant eyes of his
girlfriend and realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to jerk
away from her, which of course, he couldn't! A wave of pain and nausea made
him vomit into the girl's face and open mouth! Heaving only caused more
pain and repeated vomiting until he finally passed out. Attracted by the smell
of "food," a bear found its way to the Siamese lovers and began to lick
semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from the dead girl's face. The
student came to, but when he saw the bear, there was little he could do but lay
there silently in fear. To his horror, the bear became dissatisfied with just
a lick and started to eat the girl, loudly crunching her facial bones
only inches from his ear. The bear also tasted the student, scraping the
back of his skull with its teeth, before moving on. Around mid-morning a group
of junior girl scouts, up for a fun weekend camp-out, arrived at the
campsite where the pre-med student's car was parked. It was only a matter of
minutes before three screaming girls discovered the student, who had regained
consciousness several times in the night and had managed to drag
himself and the partially-eaten girl about 20-feet. Doctors managed to "successfully"
separate the student from the corpse, but Mr. Happy looked like a small
piece of cauliflower in its flaccid state. The first hint of arousal resulted
in so much pain, that the student was unable---and unwilling---to achieve an
erection. Future surgeries may produce a reasonably functioning penis,
but the student's family jewels, referred to by the doctors as the "scrotum
mass," are irreparable. Although most Darwin Awards are supposed to be
won posthumously, we think this guy deserves consideration since he
successfully removed himself from the gene pool.
Subj: new European spelling rules
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has
been
reached to adopt ENGLISH as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than GERMAN, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that
English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year
phased
plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c.
"Sertainly, sivil
servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be
replaced
with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan
have one
less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben
a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes
of
silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" by
"z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou",
and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor
trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech
ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.!!!!
IF MEN AND WOMEN SWAPPED GENITALS!!
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for
a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing
time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it
recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a
day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper
it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny
as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which
occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which
causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Repeat number 9.
Marriage
Some of you may find these alot more relevant than others.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am,
I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day
she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've
found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you
want from me, sympathy?"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to
let her keep him.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
Europe.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every
country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late."
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the
friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never
get to prove it."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd
learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the
maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn
how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that
as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the
house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men
fantasise that their wives aren't fantasising.
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two
girlfriends.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
parachute.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
How Hot Is It In Hell? - a True Story
A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam
for his graduate students. It had just one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and
heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing
in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are
moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think
that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions, and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
look at the rate of change of the volume pressure in Hell.
To stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as
souls are added.
This gives two possibilities.
#1 - If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which, souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
#2 - Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than
the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by
Ms. Theresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be
a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into
account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having
sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true,
and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only "A.
RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can
find
the perfect present...again.
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different...it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Just let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is like blackmail. Use it if you must, don't expect us to
like
it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your Dad
probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries
on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank
range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd
be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, goes best with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
29. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an
argument
All comments become null and void after seven days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to
act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty
you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something, OR you tell us how you want it
done. Not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain
about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you
do.
39. Telling us that models in men's magazines are airbrushed makes you
look
jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading
the
magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was during the first
two
months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.
Only In America...
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large
fry, and a diet coke.
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place.
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
Packages of eight.
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"blood-sucking creatures".
A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which
requires
him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of time.
He has
no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going. The
maid
answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on
the
phone. After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife
is
upstairs in bed with the mailman.
The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course
there
is this emergency he must take care of. So instead, he tells the
maid to
go get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the
mailman.
She protests. The lawyer explains that under Texas law it is legal
to
kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue,
he
finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and soon
the
lawyer hears the sound of two gun shots, a scream, some loud thumps,
and
finally, two splashes. The maid comes back to the phone.
The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?"
"Yes," she replies.
The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?"
"I threw them in the pool," she responds.
There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say
the
pool?"
"Yes I threw them in the pool " she says.
"Uh, is this 555-8234?"
Subject: Flea Circus
This flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms,
had
spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun
when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked
terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and
his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here
by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some
more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at
the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air
Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm
ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later,
while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should
he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the
stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made
a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"
Written by an African Shakespeare
Dear white fella
Couple things you should know
When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.
You white fella
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey.
And you have the balls to call me colored?
Subject: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus !!
The Perfect Day for Her
08:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
08:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
15:00 Nap
16:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror
19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
22:00 Hot shower
22:30 Make love
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day for Him:
06:00 Alarm
06:15 Blowjob
06:30 Massive shit, while reading sports section of paper
07:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
07:30 Limo arrives
07:45 Vodka Bloody Mary enroute to airport
08:15 Private Jet to Augusta, Georgia (en route Coffee, Cigar and Wall St. Journal)
09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
09:45 Front nine holes at Augusta (2 under Par)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Back nine holes Augusta (4 under Par)
14:15 Limo back to airport (Vodka Martini)
14:30 Private Jet, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
16:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs.)
17:00 Jet back home, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
18:45 Shit, shower and shave
19:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal sex video released (and authenticated).
19:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
21:30 Sex with three women (Red head, Brazilian, Thai). Babes leave room without any hassle.
23:00 Massage, Jacuzzi and whisky
23:45 Bed (alone)
23:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
23:55 Sleep
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole herd keeps improving
by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills
off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates
the causal link between all-weekend parties and academic performance. It
also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and
getting married, most students cannot keep up with the performance of the new
graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university
years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological
edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that
pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.
Be all that you can be.