- — Mark Twain.
- 1835-1910
Two heads are better than one.
Unless they're on the same body.
- —Unknown.
I'm lost but I'm making good time.
- — Yogi Berra.
- 1925-
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and
psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related
efficiency.
- — S.T.
A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands.
- —Unknown.
Its not the winning that counts, nor the taking
part; it's making fun of the little fat kid who always comes in last.
- — Matthew Hansen.
I must be wishing on someone else's star because it seems someone
else is always getting what I wished for.
- —Unknown.
I say that if Lincoln were alive today, he
would turn over in his grave.
- —
President Gerald R. Ford.
- 1913-
Once I was young and had so much more
orientation and could talk with nervous intelligence about everything and with clarity and
without as much literary preambling as this.
- — Jack Kerouac.
- 1922-1969
Guns are always the best method for
private suicide. Drugs are too chancy. You might just miscalculate the dosage and just
have a good time.
- — P.J. O'Rourke.
- 1947-
People that live in glass houses should
dress in the basement.
- — Austin
Overstreet.
Life without enthusiasm is like French fries
without Ketchup.
- — Vicki Forrest.
The latest statistic says that three fourths of people make up 75
percent of the population.
- —Unknown.
Don't drink and drive. Get high and fly home.
- — Anna Brewer.
People who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music.
- — George Carlin.
- 1938-
I don’t have much of a
personality. If they paid you on the basis of your personality, I’d make about $2.00
a year.
- — Mike Ivie.
- 1952-
Early to bed and early to rise makes a
man stupid and blind in the eyes.
- — Mazer Rackham .
Why do people sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when
they're already there?
- — Larry Andersen.
- 1953-
Where does virgin wool come from? The
sheep that runs the fastest.
- — Banks.
Yesterday upon the stair I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again
today; I think he's from the CIA.
- —Unknown.
I won't rest until I gnaw on your metaphorical
skull. So nyah.
- — Miller.
I am free of all prejudice; I hate everyone equally.
- — W.C. Fields.
- 1879-1946
After you've heard two eyewitness
accounts of an auto accident, it makes you wonder about history.
- —
"Bits & Pieces"
When they asked George Washington
for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
- — Stephen Wright.
If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- — Brooke Shields.
- 1965-
Nobody goes where the crowds are
anymore. It's too crowded.
- — Yogi Berra.
- 1925-
I was thrown out of college for
cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
- — Woody Allen.
- 1935-
Too bad that all the people who know
how to run the country are driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.
- — George Burns.
- 1896-1996
Drive-in banks were established so
most of the cars today could see their real owners.
- — E. Joseph
Cossman.
Over 48.7% of all statistics are useless.
- —Unknown.
It's a beautiful day. I feel sorry for all the
people who died early this morning; they missed the whole day.
- —Unknown.
Imagine if there were no hypothetical
situations…
- — Mendosa.
I can't decide if indecision is good or bad.
- — Russell Causey.
If you don't find it in the Index, look very carefully throughout
the entire catalogue.
- —
"Sears & Roebuck Catalog"
- 1897
Have you ever been so bored that you
would have accepted a collect call from Satan?
- —
"Funnybone"
One ply toilet paper: If you can see
through it, you can wee through it.
- — Stephanie
Koscielski.
I cried because I had no money until I saw a man
that had no sense.
- — Jackson T.
Cassady.
If it weren't for smartasses, what would keep a
dumbass busy?
- —Unknown.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and
you have their shoes.
- — Frieda Norris.
Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
- — Mary Ellen
Kelly.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- — Stephen Wright.
A horror movie without the horror is like the turkey sandwich
without the Miracle Whip.
- — Joshua Rossman.
- 1977-
All good things in life are either
immoral, fattening, or overpriced.
- — Rajavi Kejriwal.
The key to success is sincerity, and if you can fake that you can
do anything.
- —Unknown.
If it weren't for the killings, Washington
would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- — Mayor
Marion Barry.
- 1936-
If you go back in time, don't step on
anything
- — Matt Groening.
- 1954-
To err is human; to pass air is also
human.
- —Unknown.
When life hands you a lemon, say, "Oh
yeah, I like lemons. What else ya got?"
- — Henry Rollins.
- 1961-
If I want to hear the pitter-patter of
little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
- —Unknown.
The only winner in the War of 1812 was
Tchaikovsky.
- — Soloman Short.
My mother said to me, “If you are a soldier, you will become a
general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope.” Instead, I was a painter, and
became Picasso.
- — Pablo Picasso.
- 1881-1973
If there is no God, who pops up the
next Kleenex?
- — Art Hoppe.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the
roller of an electric typewriter?
- — Woody Allen.
- 1935-
America is the country where you can
buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.
- — Barrymore.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
- — Graffiti.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- — Mark Twain.
- 1835-1910
I can be nice sometimes, but then I
get over it.
- —Unknown.
Last time I had a piece of ass was when my
finger ripped through the toilet paper.
- —Unknown.
People often say, "Why me?" I say,
"Why not me?"
- — Michael Butler.
I am going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- — Jerome Bettis.
- 1972-
If you water it and it dies, it's a
plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it's a weed.
- — Gallagher.
In an Internet without doors or walls, who needs Windows or Gates?
- —Unknown.
The hurrier I go the behinder I get.
- — "Joe
Psycho"
Did you know that when someone annoys you, it
takes forty-two muscles to frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm out
and smack 'em in the head?
- —Unknown.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule
is already full.
- — Dr. Henry
Kissinger.
- 1923-
When his life was ruined, his family
killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens,
"Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just
something about you that pisses me off."
- — Stephen King.
- 1947-
I felt like Dolly Parton's baby:
"Is all this for me?"
- — Mickey Mantle
(1931-1995), on the ovation he received on Mickey Mantle Day at Yankee Stadium in 1969.
I'm as confused as a baby at a topless bar.
- —Unknown.
I haven't had so much fun since the old sow ate
my little brother.
- — Ohio farm
proverb.
Yesterday I cared about what people said about me.
Today I will ignore what people say about me. Tomorrow I will tell those people to shove
it.
- — Pirin Gee.
I don't mind being in touch with reality, as long as I don't have to live there.
- —
"Frank & Ernest"
Though it was unintelligent and
stationary, our prey remained elusive…
- —
A narrator of a nature documentary about mushrooms.
Like math?
We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!
- — "Frank"
It could be worse; it could be Monday all week.
- —Unknown.
We've hit rock bottom, and now we're starting
to dig!
- —
FM 104.7, Canberra, Australia.
I hate memory. It never lets me
forget what I want to.
- —Unknown.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end
today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
- —Unknown.
Yes, I love children. They make a wonderful
stew.
- — Warren DeMike.
People die all the time. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow!
- — "The
Simpsons"
I've been the piece of straw on the back of one
too many camels.
- — Cherith Dorn.
Life is like a box of chocolates, a cheap, thoughtless perfunctory gift that
nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates.
so you're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when
there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut-butter cup or an
English toffee but they're gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. So you end with
nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth shattering nuts.If you're
desperate enough to eat those all you've got left is a ... is an empty box filled with
with useless brown paper wrappers.
- — "The
X-Files"
There's a part of the human psyche that's never
satisfied with the chunks of an Archduke at Sarajevo and has to have a World War I.
- — P.J. O'Rourke.
- 1947-