There once was a czar in Russia whose name
was Rudolph the Great. He
was
standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the
window
and saw something happening.
He
says to his wife, "Look honey. Its raining." She, being the obstinate
type,
responded, "I don't think so, dear. I think its snowing." But
Rudolph
knew better. So he says to his wife, "Let's step outside and
we'll
find out." Lo and behold, they
step outside and discover it was
in
fact rain. Rudolph turns to his wife and replies, "I knew it was
raining.
Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
I
would like to take a moment to honor a celebrity who has recently
died. Veteran Pillsbury Spokes model Pop-N-Fresh
(a.k.a. The Pillsbury
Dough
Boy) died 3 days ago in a ski accident when he hit a greasy spot
on
panhandle hill. Witnesses reported his last words were " I'm Toast!".
The
Ski Patrol later found him flatter than a pancake. He was 71. In
these
last few years he had been afflicted with a chronic yeast
infection
but that did not keep him from rising to occasions. Fresh was
buried
in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of
celebrities
turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, The California
Raisins,
Hungry Jack, Little Debbie , Betty Crocker and the Hostess
Twinkies. The Grave site was piled high with flours as
longtime friend
Aunt
Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew
how
much he was kneaded."
Fresh
rose quickly in show business, but his
later life was filled
with
many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting
much
time on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was
a
roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They
have
two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for
about
20 minutes.
Have you ever walked around and noticed that
some people are just like
potatoes? I had never thought of that before I read
this e-mail....
1.
Some people are very bossy and like to tell everyone what to do,
but of course they do not wish to soil
their hands. You might
call that type "Dick Tator."
2.
Some people never seem to be motivated to participate. They are
content to watch while others do. They are "Speck Tators."
3.
Some people never do anything to help, but they are gifted at
finding fault with the way others do
things. They might be
called "Comment Taters."
4.
Some people are always looking for ways to cause problems. They
look or others to agree with them. You call them "Aggie Taters."
5. Then
there are those who always say they will, but somehow never
get around to doing anything. They are "Hezzie Taters."
6.
Some people put on a front and act like they are someone they are
not.
They are "Emma Taters."
7.
Still, there are those who live what they talk. They are always
prepared to stop what they are doing to
lend a hand. They bring
real sunshine into others' lives. You might call them "Sweet
Taters."
Then,
after reading the e-mail, I sat down and thought of 9 more
people
that reminded me of 'Tators.... here they are alphabetically
according
to height:
8. There was a guy who forced oxygen into the
lungs of a person who had
undergone
partial asphyxiation. That brave soul
was named "Resses I
Tater".
9. Some people were executioners in the Dark
Ages. They were "Taters,
de
Capi".
10. A group of people often felt overwhelmed,
confounded, stunned and
destroyed. They were the "Divas Taters."
11. I knew a guy who could rise himself into the
air and appear to
float. His name was "Levi Tater".
12. Then, there was this one guy who was always
spinning in circles.
His
name was "Roe Tater."
13. A girl used to make a legally valid will
before people would die.
Her
name was "Tess Tater", I believe.
14. There was a girl who liked to furnish
literary works with
explanatory
notes . She was "Ann O.
Tater."
15. Luke Skywalker's father and arch nemesis was
also like a Tater. If
I
remember right, his name was "Darth Tater".
Jack was in front of me coming out of church
one day, and the preacher
was
standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher
grabbed
Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join
the Army of the Lord!'
Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of
the Lord, Pastor.'
Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you
except at Christmas and
Easter?'
He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret
service.'
In a small southern town there was a
"Nativity Scene" that showed
great
skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature
bothered
me: The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or
explanation, I left. At a
"Quik
Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter
about
the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn
Yankees
never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply
couldn't
recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter
and ruffled thru some
pages,
and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my
face
she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from
afar.'"
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere,
to the point that his feet
became
quite thick and hard. He also was quite
a spiritual person.
Even
when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became
quite
thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with
very
bad breath.
Therefore, he came to be known as a:
"Super
callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
An
ornithologist was studying the effects of hallucinatory drugs on sea birds.
It
was his goal to leave no tern unstoned.
Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was
stumped. He had spent months
studying
the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp.
Despite all efforts
at
predator control, population was declining at an alarming rate. Finn
finally
went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone
there
might be able to help.
Tom looked into the problem and came up with
a solution. The little
frogs
had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply
couldn't
stay coupled long enough to reproduce.
Tom brewed up a new adhesive, make from a
dash of this, a sprinkle of
that
and, most critically, one part sodium.
"You mean...?" asked Jim.
"Yes," said Tom. "They need a mono-sodium glue to
mate!"
Did you hear there was a fire at a Basque
movie theater and
unfortunately
there was only a single emergency exit door, so several
people
were trampled to death, which only goes to show: you shouldn't
put
all your Basques in one exit.
The precise man minds his p's and q's. The gardener minds his peas.
The
billiard player minds his cues. The
church janitor minds his keys
and
pews.
A panhandler was caught trying to sneak
aboard a Princess liner about
to
embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. He was caught by the
Purser
who threw him off the ship telling him, ... "Beggars can't be
cruisers."
Did you hear about the man who ran over
himself?
Well, he was standing at the corner waiting
for the bus, and he asked
a
boy to go across the street and buy him a pack of gum. The little boy
wouldn't
do it, so the man ran over himself.
A news item this morning was about a local
coal miner. It seems that
his
avocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy
canvasses
he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage.
Unfortunately,
a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this week
and
defaced his paintings.
Yesterday the young miscreants were charged
in court with having ...
corrupted
the murals of a miner."
A foreign exchange student came to the
United States to learn how to
speak
English better. His advisor said,
"I hear you're doing better in
English. Now, how about syntax?"
"Geez," exclaimed the exchange
student. "I didn't know I had to
pay
one!"