Marshall's Skits

Well, they're not quite Broadway productions; they're the annual Engineering Mechanics Lab group's X-mas skits! Now, there are quite a few office/inside jokes that are not quite relevant to the general public, so if you see something that doesn't seem so funny, just assume that it's side-splittingly hilarious to those on the inside...

Thanks goes to Bill (the boss) who encourages my coworkers to participate!

2005
2004
2003

2005: "The Director of Oz"

Narrator:
Our tale is about to unfold
The lab is just getting old
With facilities ailing
The units are failing
And soon will be left in the cold

Testing: it should be a cinch
But Bill has been feeling the pinch
He must have more space
A brand-new workplace
Before he can go one more inch!

(Bill walks on, dressed in a Dorothy costume, carrying a basket with a teddy bear in it)

Bill: (to bear)I’m ever so lost, Smokey! My test floor isn’t strong enough for the machines I need, half of my equipment is from the Eisenhower administration, and my workers are carrying around 100-pound logs. I need concrete and fixtures and cranes!
Everyone: Oh, my!
Bill: The little engineers from RFE told me to see the Director to ask him about building a new Lab.
(Bill walks off stage)

Narrator:
He thinks about what he will need
For EML to succeed
The engineers showed
That yellow brick road
To one who would help, guaranteed

(Bill walks on stage to see Jerry Winandy (Joe) standing like a scarecrow)

Bill: Look, Smokey, it’s Jerry Winandy! (to Joe) Why are you stuck on that pole, Jerry?
Joe: I was just using some of my wellness time to stretch my bad back. (suspiciously) You weren’t timing me, were you?
Bill: No, no. I was on my way to see the Director.
Joe: The Director?
Bill: The Director – to see if he’ll build me a new lab for my concrete and fixtures and cranes!
Everyone: Oh, my!
Joe: You know, I’m having problems with my equipment, too. My extruder for wood fiber composites keeps getting clogged. I need a bigger extruder and a bigger place to keep it!
Bill: Well, come with me. We’ll get a new lab together and share it!
(Bill and Joe skip off stage.)

Narrator:
With partnership safely in tow
The Director could never say ‘no’
Surely he’d find
Some small piece of mind
In facilities he could bestow

(Jim is standing on the far side of the stage, motionless, holding an axe. Bill and Joe approach)
Bill: Hey, Anton. What are you doing out here?
Jim: I’m waiting for the spring thaw. Without my own moisture lab to create a model of an old, moldy building, I’m forced to wait for the spring rain to flood the demo house basement like it does every year.
Bill: Well, we’re on our way to see the Director.
Jim: The Director?
Bill: The Director - to see if he’ll give us a new lab for my concrete and fixtures and cranes!
Everyone: Oh, my!
Bill: Say, I’d bet he’d be willing to give you some space for your moisture studies!
Jim: I’m in!
Joe: Say, Anton, what are you doing with that axe
Jim: Actually, since I have some spare time, I helping tear down building 41. It’s old and moldy, and the lab has no use for a building like that.

Narrator:
Since moisture has joined the crusade
They sally forth quite unafraid
All looking to grab
A piece of new lab
They are sure that they won’t be dismayed

(Carol comes on, wearing a fake fur coat and wringing her hands in frustration.)

Bill: Look, it’s Carol Clausen! What’s bugging you, Carol?
Carol: We’re just cramped for space back there. Half of the time I can’t tell the difference between a good fungus culture and the body odor of my lab assistant!
Jim: Wow. That’s pretty bad.
Carol: That’s not the worst of it. Our lab space has spread into our personal space. A while back, Rick Green got into the wrong fridge and, as you know, hasn’t been quite right since.
Bill: Well, we’re on our way to see the Director.
Carol: The Director?
Bill: The Director - to see if he’ll give us a new lab for my concrete and fixtures and cranes!
Everyone: Oh, my!
Bill: So put down those moldy sticks and come with us!
Joe: Say, that’s a nice fur coat you’re wearing.
Carol: Thanks, Jerry, it’s real lion. Deb Schulenburg made it for me. (To audience) Don’t forget to send your leftover venison to the Schulenburg farm, everybody!

Narrator:
The finally make it upstairs
Looking to answer their prayers
They think they might win
The director is in!
And willing to talk Lab affairs

(The four come on stage and find Chris (Tim) in an authoritative stance)

Bill: We’re here to ask about a new lab for my cranes…
Joe: and my extruder…
Jim: and my moisture…
Carol: and my fungus!
Tim: I appreciate you all coming up here. I have some good news for you. You will have everything you need if you just look at everything you have.
Bill (to audience): I don’t like the sound of this.
Tim: Jerry, I understand that your wood fiber extruder keeps getting clogged. Well, back where I come from, whenever anybody gets clogged, you just add a little more fiber. Here’s a prescription for Metamucil. (hands Joe a scroll with a ribbon).
Joe: But..
Tim (ignoring Joe): Anton, I’m giving you the chance to work at home.
Jim: But I don’t want to telecommute! Besides, there are no moisture problems at my house to study.
Tim: Who said anything about telecommuting? You’ve just been volunteered for a buyout. And don’t worry about the moisture problems. They’ll start soon enough when the money runs out. Here’s a clock to tell you how much time you have left. (Tim hands Jim a clock on a chain)
Jim: (Holds clock to ear and smiles) Oh, it ticks! Listen!
Tim: And Carol, you’ve been reorganized. You now share a secretary with Dave Green, share offices with the shops, and report to Anton until he retires. By the time you’ve figured out how to function, you’ll be retired, too. In fact, here’s your last length-of-service award. (presents a medal) There wasn’t much in the catalog this year.

Bill: So, I don’t suppose you have a lab in your plan for me, either.
Tim: (kindly) Bill, what I have for you is most special of all. It’s a bit of wisdom from Aldo Leopold who wrote, To keep every cog and wheel is the first precaution of intelligent tinkering.
Bill: Uh, I don’t think he was talking about the actual cogs and wheels of the testing machines in EML.
Tim: Of course he was, which is why we all need you to give up this fantasy lab and go back home to EML.
Bill: So, there’s no new lab?
Tim: There’s no place like home.

Narrator:
Though this lab is for our behalf
Its price tag would make people laugh
That’s just too much bacon
That couldn’t be taken
From budgets that can’t pay their staff

Bill wanders back with his peers
All facing their stagnant careers
Their jobs won’t fulfill
But they’ll wait until
They try it again in ten years

Narrator:
Though this lab is for our behalf
Its price tag would make people laugh
That�s just too much bacon
That couldn�t be taken
From budgets that can�t pay their staff

Bill wanders back with his peers
All facing their stagnant careers
Their jobs won't fulfill
But they'll wait until
They try it again in ten years

2004: "The Three Little Pigs and the Hurricane House"

(3 actors with pig noses stand on stage, each with an advertising sign for straw, brick or wood house building services)

Narration:
We all know the three little pigs
All builders, with three separate rigs:
One stacked bales of hay
Or bricks made from clay
And our favorite built homes with twigs

The hay stacker should have thought twice
On tenants that he would entice
His method was beaten
When his walls were eaten
By one infestation of mice

(Cindy comes out with Mickey Mouse ears, nose and whiskers and takes straw builder�s sign. Straw builder hangs head and walks off stage)

The brick layer started to boast
For sturdiness he had the most
But between radon gas
And a union impasse
His business soon gave up the ghost

(Cindy comes out and sticks a large radiation symbol on the brick builder's sign. Dick, wearing a hard hat, comes out, shakes a threatening fist and takes his sign. The brick builder hangs his head and walks off stage.
In the mean time, the wood builder is watching attentively and scratching chin in thought.)

The stick builder observed his peers
And blunders that trashed their careers
The outcome was muddy
So he formed a study
since research defines engineers

(Technicians come out. Joe puts down sign and picks up a clipboard. Technicians enter. The group huddles in discussion)

Test structures then were discussed
With staff that were all upper crust
He would compile
A large data file
To ensure his designs were robust
Acting:

(The technicians move to one side of the stage. Bill comes in, wearing a smaller pig nose and a �Pig in Training� sign around his neck.)

Bill: (salutes Joe) The house in Florida is complete, sir, and I finished polishing the chrome on your motorcycle.
Joe: (To Bill) I hope there are no spots this time. (To technicians) My assistant here told me that the research house in Florida has been completed. All of the instruments are in place to give us a good idea of how strong we need to make these houses so we can stay in business. Hurricane season is about to start, so I need you to monitor the instruments.

(Technicians file off)

Narration:

The crew drove down south to comply
Then hurricanes soon passed nearby
Through Charley and Frances
Our staff took their chances
Then came back to give their reply

(Technicians come back)

Tim: "The weather wasn't so bad, so we got this potato gun and were shooting the safe room walls. We launched a can of peanuts, a frozen chicken,"
Bill: Not my peanuts!
Joe: (hushes Bill, then) A chicken? Why did you fire off a chicken?
Marc: We were trying to simulate 'fowl' weather.
(everyone groans)
Joe: "Hey, watch where you point that thing"
Technician holds tube pointing toward the audience. It goes off, showering feather-like paper scraps.
Mike: Well, there's the rest of the chicken.
Joe: "I need you to go back to the house and let me know about the data from the storms. There have already been two, and I can't imagine there will be any more, so it should be safe there now."

(Technicians file off the stage)

Narration:
The crew then went back to the site
To monitor instruments right
Storms Ivan and Jean
Were far from serene
And gave them one heck of a fright

Acting:
(Technicians come in with large roll of printout paper. Tim has a large wood sliver/wire hoop through head.)

Tim: Here's all the data (he hands tumbling sheets to the scientist)
Joe: Thanks. This should do it.
Bill: Say, you don�t look so good.
Tim: Ever since the storms, I've had this piercing headache. I probably should've gone inside when that barn flew by.
Marc: Don't let my teenager see that. He might want to get one to match his eyebrow ring.
Joe: You really should see somebody about that. You can use your 20 minutes of wellness time to go to the emergency room
Mike: But only if you jog there.

Narration:
Owing to these workers' skill
the researcher's goals were fulfilled
Now he was willing
to build a real building
and started to plan it until...

(Ron comes on with rainbow bridge model.)

Ron: We've got new instructions from upstairs.
Everyone else: Oh, no! It's the Big Bad Wolfe!
Ron: We're tearing down the research house to build more rainbow bridges.
(He starts to herd everyone but Joe off stage)
It's all small-diameter rounds from now on

Narration:
The wolf made no huff nor a puff
Yet the project was doomed sure enough
His pet rainbow bridge
Left not but a smidge
Of budget, so our work was snuffed

(Joe hangs his head and walks off stage)

2003: "Pushing the Envelope"
(We didn't have a camera that year for insurance reasons)

(Scientist walks on, holding up and reading the Wood Handbook)

Narrator:
A scientist, pondering wood
Discovers a likely falsehood
To develop lumber
We'll improve a number
because it's not used as it should

It's about time we review
This number, whose value is two.
Although it's worked fine
For quite a long time
To change it would be a breakthrough

He pictures a new kind of test
And writes up a new work request
For wood to be bent,
Decayed in cement,
Notched, bolted, sheared and compressed

(The testers come on stage and go to their work table. There is a beeping sound of truck backing up, testers look to the right, a little surprised)

Scientist: Here are three sets of 500 boards, labeled A, B, and C. I'm gonna want an SW, TV, B-MOE, MC, SG and an EKG for each.

Lead Tester: (salutes) Yessir, just like last time!

(There are two small boards on the table, two testers pick up a board and each puts it close to their ear. A third tester hits the middle with a small mallet. Each listener reports a number and Lead Tester pretends to record them. The testers switch boards and go again.)

Tester 1: Two!
Tester 2: One point nine!
(next board)
Tester 1: Two!
Tester 2: Two!
(next board)
Tester 1: Two!
Tester 2: Eight!
Tester 1: Eight? How can it be eight?
Tester 2: Oh, yeah. I meant two.

Narrator:
In order to make this progressive,
The sample size must be aggressive
Why test only three?
When testing is free,
And the writeup will be more impressive!

(There is the sound of truck back-up beeping much louder now, all testers look to the right again, this time looking shocked)

Tester: Holy Moley! That's a lot of trees!
Scientist: You didnt expect to see A through C without seeing D through Z, now did you?

Narrator:
Accuracy plainly implies
That testing must next give rise
To tests that survey
A growing array
Of Samples of decreasing size.

(Scientist opens a box of toothpicks and pours them into the lead tester's cupped hands)

Scientist: Here are 1000 specimens, labeled 1AA-01-01-A through 9ZZ-12-12-C

Lead Tester: You got it!

(Lead tester takes them back. The group starts 'working' on them.)

(Scientist leaves and comes back. He opens an envelope of sawdust and pours them into the lead tester�s cupped hands)

Scientist: Here are one million specimens, labeled 1AA-01-01-01-01-A through 9ZZ-12-12-12-12-C

Lead Tester: We can do that!

Narrator:
Testing has now been complete
And entered in the data sheet.
Now it's the mission
Of our statistician
To extract from it something concrete.

(Mike and Bill come in with taped glasses and pocket protectors. Mike is carrying a large stack of disheveled paper.)

Bill: We've run a battery of analyses: regressions and transgressions, curve fits and starts, and normal and abnormal distributions. We have determined with 99.9% uncertainty that the correct number... is... 2.

(everybody groans)

Narrator:

Now, audience, please don't misjudge
The EML's efforts to trudge
Through slivers and dust
And calls to adjust
A number that just wouldn't budge

This project had much to endure
While searching for something obscure
We do not know more
Than we did before,
But now we know it for sure