I was dreaming when I wrote this, so forgive me if it goes astray. This actually comes from the bus rides to The Princeton Club for Racket sports to play Racketball. I do not want my real name on this. Call me ¥, or [yen symbol], or Tim Brown, or something, eh?
Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away from the real world (it's called Madison), there was a boy named 'Jared'. Jared really liked pancakes. There was an International House Of Pancakes (IHOP) near the mall of West Town which he would often go to when he was hungry. One day, Jared went for a long walk. (He went to Black Earth or something.) When he got back to West Town, he thought to himself boy, I'm tired. And I'm hungry, too. I should go to that IHOP over there... (this was way back when that IHOP was still open). So he got up (he had been sitting in the parking lot deciding what he should do) and walked over to IHOP. (He almost got hit by a bus on the way over, for that intersection is not very pedestrian-friendly.)
He went into IHOP, sat down, and ordered some pancakes. He got them with strawberries, because that was his favorite way to eat pancakes. He sat there for 10 or 12 minutes, just enjoying his meal. When he was done, he realized that he was still hungry (because of tht long walk, supposedly), and so he ordered some more pancakes. But this time he got them with blueberries (he had never done that before, and thought it might be worth a shot). So he ate his pancakes with bluberries, and he was still hungry, so he ordered yet more. This went on, and on, and on, for a few hours. In that time he tried all sorts of flavors for his pancakes: rasberry, cherry, kiwi, pineapple, banana, watermelon, grapefruit, papaya, mango, apple, orange, grape, squash, celery, broccoli, colliflower, broccoflower, cheddar cheese, provalone, swiss, potato, and beef jerky, just to name a few. After 4 or 5 hours of this, he suddenly realized that his bowels were calling to him for a break. He got up and went to the bathroom.
He went in, closed the door (which, by the way, had no lock of any sort, and which barely closed securely), sat down, and started pooping. While doing so, he thought of many wonderful things, such as how to get around firewalls and NATs by tunneling TCP over HTTP, a Grand Unified Field theory, and What's that white stuff in bird poop?.
2 days later, he was still pooping. It was starting to cause the resturaunt to smell different, and some of the people who normally came there to eat didn't anymore, because it was not a nice smell to eat to. This went on, and after a few weeks, nobody was coming to the resturaunt anymore. The staff pleaded with Jared to come out, but he always gave the same response: "I'm quite indisposed at the moment."
After another few weeks, the manager of the place realized that it was not profitable to keep the place open with nobody coming besides the crazy red-headed kid who threw up all the time, and so closed it for good. The staff said goodbye, left the keys for Jared when he decided to come out, and disbanded.
In the few years that followed, Microsoft software got more bloated, the Linux operating system became popular, and Al Gore stole all of Nader's votes, leaving Mista Bush to steal the presidency, but inside the old IHOP, Jared just sat and pooped, flushed the toilet once in a while, and didn't do much else.
But one day, an unlikely bit of good fortune came to Jared. You see, there was this cricket named 'Freddie' who had fished a golden egg out from behind a shelf at Software, Etc. He needed a place to stash it, and so ran over to the vacant IHOP (it was quite a feat for him to get across the intersection without being squashed). When he got inside, the first thing he thought was Oh, the smell! Nobody will come in here to steal my egg! This is perfect!. He looked around for a good place to hide the egg, and in doing so, stumbled into the bathroom, startling Jared.
"What are you doing here?!" hollered Jared as he reached for the (yet unused) roll of toilet paper, "I kill-e!"
"Oh please mister!", said Freddie "Don't hurt me! I'll give you this golden egg if you don't hurt me!".
Jared calmed down, grunted, and took the egg. As Freddie scurried out the door into the street (where he was subsequently squashed under the wheels of a pink motorscooter), Jared examined the egg, shook it next to his ear, and came to the conclusion that it was hard-boiled.
He cracked the egg open and ate it. (What do you expect, after not eating for so long?)
For two days, Jared continued his work on GUFT and WITWSIBPT just as if nothing had ever happened, but on the third day, he felt a sharp pain in his rectum. He tried to re-orient his pelvis to 'compensate for subspace fluctuations', and that helped a little bit, but it still hurt a bunch. Finally, that which pained him plopped out into the toilet, and Jared looked down to see what it was, just out of curiosity. It was a golden bracelet.
"That's strange," he mumbled to himself, "I don't remember ever swallowing anything like that." But a few hours later, it happened again. This time it was a pair of diamond earrings. Soon there was no more conventional fecal material coming from Jared, but only fancy jewelry-type things. He got up and managed to drag himself over to the sink (it was tough, for his muscles had atrophied), where he washed off his treasures, and then sat down on the floor (why use the toilet if you're just gonna poop jewelry?). After he had accumulated a small pile of the stuff, he thought to himself, hey, I ought to do something with this stuff. I bet I could sell it! But I can't go outside with my pants down and jewels coming out of my a$$; people might think I was queer. I know! I'll call up my friend George, and he can help me out!. And so Jared took some coins from the pile, and ventured back out into the main part of the resturaunt, where there was a pay phone. He called up his George. Their conversation was as follows:
George's dad: "Y--ello?"
Jared: "I want to talk to George"
George's dad: "Who is this?"
Jared: "I want to talk to George"
George's dad: "Who is this?! You that crazy guy who keeps dropping threatening notes under our front door? Listen! We won't stand for that! You tell us who you are, or I'll report you to the police!"
Jared: "No, it's not. This is Jared"
George's dad: "What? Jared? Oh my god! We all thought you were dead! We went to your funeral and everything! Does your mother know that you're all right?"
Jared (leans over and collects the treasure that has accumulated under him since the beginning of the conversation and puts it on the table): "Uh, yeah. I gotta talk to George, though."
George's dad: "Yeah, OK, ummm.... Right. (George!)"
George (in the background, sounding annoyed): "What!?"
George's dad: "Jared's on the phone! He wants to talk to you!"
George: "Hello? What kind of stupid joke is this?"
Jared: "No! It's really me!"
George: "Wha...? I thought y--"
Jared: "You've got to come over to the old IHOP across from West Towne"
George: "What? What's going on?"
Jared: "Trust me. It's really Jared, and you have to come over here. You'll be amazed."
George: "Hey, what the **** is going on? You're supposed to be dead! And you want me to go to that--that closed place?"
Jared: "Dude, trust me! Just come over here, and you'll be glad."
George: "Dude, this is wei--"
[click]
And so, a few hours later, George came wandering into IHOP, looking as if he was expecting to be ambushed. He looked around, and didn't see Jared anywhere, so called out his name: "Jared? Jared? You here?"
"In the bathroom!"
George walked over to the door and cautiously opened it, only to find Jared siting on a pile of gold with a wild grin on his face and no pants on.
"d00d! WTF?!?!?!", yelled George as he stepped back outside and slammed the door.
"I think I have galleria."
...
And you know what happened after that. And by the way, the building is made out of Jared's own bricks.
On a side note, a few days ago, Jared and his staff were sitting around with the TV on. Bush came on and Jared said Hey look, there's Bush!, and started laughing at him.
George said, "Stop it. That's in very bad taste. He can't help it if he's retarded."
- ¥