ASK "THE JAKE"

In this section you can post questions to "The Jake" via email. "The Jake" answers all questions and posts his answers on this page within 24 hours.

1. Homosexual? Please Help!
2. Donkey Punched???
3. No Job and No Girl. What's A Guy To Do?
4. Shepard's Pie.
5. What's Up With Beer Goggles?
6. My Boyfriend Wants To Do It Brown-Style...
7. Beer and Liquor? 

HOMOSEXUAL? PLEASE HELP!

Dear Jake:

    I'm a freshman ballet dancer who has been in search of the perfect man. You know, a Ricky Martin type. So I went to the Winter Formal in my

sexiest outfit (my senior prom dress and I won Prom Queen!) and I actually met

a nice drama guy. He slow danced with me to "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine

Dion and so I knew he must really care about me. We went to the party afterwards

and I was worried because he was drinking some kind of Cobra drink and he got

very intoxicated. I just wanted to make him happy, so I told him I would go

back to his room to talk afterwards. I wanted to get to know him, but I

think he just wanted to have sex with me. Things got a little hot and heavy and

then the worst part came... he tried to stick his, you know, in my butthole.

I read Jules letter and I think this is also called "Brown style." I like

him so much, but I''m afraid he might be gay. I've never actually met a gay

homosexual because you don't see many of those kinds of people in South

Dakota. Are there really gay people at NCSA? I've heard many rumors,

but I hope they are not true. I also think he was using a little of his

acting talents on me and now he won't even talk to me. Did I do anything

wrong? 

Please help!!

Pebbles0811

Dear Pebbles,

    Be assured that your fears of Gayness on campus are unfounded. To my knowledge, there hasn’t been any homosexuality reported in school. It is illegal in this state, after all. But there will always be that “underground” element, and a flaming homosexual is hard to spot. He will blend into the background like a chameleon, rarely drawing attention to himself. His clothing will be inconspicous- nothing out of the ordinary, and certainly nothing with sequins or feathers on it. His speech will be thick and masculine, betraying nary a hint of his urges. In fact, in a room full of straight people, you would be hard pressed to pick him out. So, there’s really nothing you can do about it. But, it seems if your man wanted to have sex with you, he is most likely straight. And, as far as his urge to give it “brown style”, this is a natural thing. In fact, it should be encouraging to you to know that he wants it “that way”, as it is a very intimate act. In my opinion, this man is straight and desperately in love with you. And he’s in drama, which means he will be calm, cool, and in control of his emotions at all times, especially during moments of crisis. Go after him, Pebbles! He’s the one!

  Good luck,

THE JAKE

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DONKEY PUNCHED???

Dear The Jake,

Hi there! My name is Ashlee and I'm a dancer in the HS at School of the

Farts. = )First of all, it is so kewl that you guys made this site. Our RA had a meeting last week about 529 Poplar and that if we went to the parties, we would be slipped mickies and donkey

punched in our sleep. As if! Is it true? I've never been donkey punched, but my

friend Jamicka told me it was a variation on pop goes the weasel, bitch, and I

luved that! So, anyhoo, keep me posted.

PS -Cum to the Winter Show! 

         XOXOXOX  

 -aShLeE

Dear aShLeE,

    It’s always good to here from supporters. And, as our supporters, I feel it is my duty to keep you all honestly informed on whatever concerns you.

Let me assure that nothing unsafe will occur at our little get together. Your RA has drastically misinformed you. You certainly won’t get “slipped”  anything. If anyone’s taking roofies, it’ll be me. I can’t get enough of ‘em.  Donkey punching, or “punching the donkey”, as we call it, is merely slang for accidentally jabbing a girl in the eye with your member during sexual activity. While quite painful, it is very rare. If you’re really concerned about it, wearing a blindfold should alleviate any risk. Thick carpenter goggles should do the trick, as well.

Hope that clears everything up. See you at the party

Good luck,

THe JaKe  

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No Girl and No Job. What's A Guy To Do?

Dear Jake
i need money but my job sucks and i am under paid {min wage} and it would be hard for me to get a new job too. my
girl and i broke up a few weeks ago to make it worse so now i am not getting any. how can i quickly get a new hotter
girl and a new job

- poor and lonely

Dear Poor and Lonely, 

The answer to your problem is a simple one- it just requires a little bit of commitment and a complete lack of any tangible morals. 

First of all, do a little research and find a celebrity and/or very weathly individual that you bear a striking resemblance to. And by
that I mean, really striking. Like, if I saw you together with him, I wouldn’t be able to tell you apart. Now, follow said individual
around for a good two weeks. Learn his habits, his mannerisms, et cetera. 

Second: Wait until said individual is alone. Let’s assume for the sake of argument that you manage to sneak in past all the
security and are actually somewhat competent, even though your letter suggests the opposite. So you’re inside the house- you
catch said individual in his room, sleeping like a baby. 

Third: Find a large, blunt object. Beat said individual repeatedly. 

Fourth: Bury said individual in the back yard under cover of darkness. Be really thorough on this part. The law frowns on this sort
of activity. 

And the last step- disappear. Come back two days later to worried friends, family, and hot-ass girlfriend. Explain how, on a spur of
the moment jaunt around the city, you were attacked and left for dead by a band of roving dwarves. Luckily, you survived, but, lo
and behold, you’ve got amnesia! 
Now start living your new life, and enjoy it- you’ve earned it. 

Good luck, THE JAKE 

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What's Up With Beer Goggles?

Dear Jake.

I've always known that women get prettier the more I drink. Is there
some sort of scale I can follow to gauge this process?

Yours truly,
Drunk and horny.

Dear Drunk and Horny, 

Good question. The phenomenon of "beer goggles" has been pondered over by men since the
dawn of alcohol, way back in BC something. It truly is one of nature's little miracles. But, like any force of nature, it must be respected and appreciated. I myself have researched the field, even going to the official Beer Goggle Research Center in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. And I found out some interesting things. First of all, ladies, understand that beer goggles can work for you too. It's not a "guy thing" by any means. 
Now, about the gauge. Let's set up a scenario:

You're at a party. Pickens are slim. The only cute girls in the room are leaving with their boyfriends any minute now. The girl that's trying to hit on you looks an awful lot like Chuck Woolery. You start drinking- you've got a case of beer, and you're determined to get laid. 

1-3 BEERS: You decide you were a little harsh about the whole Chuck Woolery thing. Granted,
she's ugly, but you've seen worse. That girl you hooked up with last weekend, for example. 

4-6 BEERS: Studying the girl, you realize that, if you took away her limp, lazy eye, and 
green hair, she wouldn't be half bad. 

7-9 BEERS: Actually, the lazy eye is kind of sexy. And she's got a great sense of humor too, 
which you didn't catch earlier. You're friends are getting ready to leave. You tell them to go ahead- you're workin' on a little somethin'. 

10-12 BEERS: This girl is cute. You've mined an untapped resource! How could everyone else have missed this? She shows you her pierced armpit, and damned if it doesn't turn you on. 

13-15 BEERS: Propping your head up with your free arm, you suavely ask her if she wants to "go somewhere". She nods. As she gets up, you take another look at her body, wondering to yourself why this girl is going to school when she could be making millions as a model for Victoria's Secret. 
And the night plays out, with you going to bed with the girl of your dreams. Of course, you
wake up, which brings us to the second part of the Goggle dilemma, sobriety. My advice on this
point is to avoid it. Keep some Mad Dog off to the side of your bed. When you wake up, keep
your eyes closed, reach for the 20/20, and throw it down. Then go back to sleep. 

Good luck, 

THE JAKE 

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Shepard's Pie.

Dear Mr. Jake,

So, I’m getting my groove with some young snitch in the back of her Jeep the other night, when I get the sudden urge to sing Rico Suave by
Gerardo. So I’m like “Ah day ah...Riiiiico...” and she’s going nutz over this shit. So I end up doing her like 5 more times before I finally pass
out. The next day, i’m in the backseat again, giving her the Shepherd’s Pie, and she starts begging me to sing but I couldn’t sing! Needless to
say, she booted me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how this freak occurrence happened, but I do recall drinking a 64 of Camo earlier
that evening. Is there anyway...anything I can do to make this freak occurance happen, again?

Sincerely,

The Prez

Dear Prez,

First of all, congrats on what sounds like a compelling performance. I can understand wanting to duplicate it, but there’s something you should understand before throwing down more “Camo”, as you call it. You see, alcohol is a strange and wonderful creature, and will rarely produce the EXACT same results. So, instead of making you “Rico Suave” again, it might compel you to take off your clothes and chase stray dogs around the neighborhood, which I spent the better half of last Saturday doing. Who
knows? She might think it’s cute. Remember, every experience with alcohol is unique, and trying to duplicate it is like trying to duplicate the time you lost your virginity or the first time you shot a man. It’s just not going to happen. So instead of living in the past, look forward! As an alcoholic, you’re living in a world of excitement. Just think of it. How many zany adventures are waiting in that fifth of Aristocrat, or that 40 of Magnum, or that case of beer? As many as you want, friend.

As many as you want.

Good luck,

The Jake

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My Boyfriend Wants To Do It Brown -Style.

Jake,
My boyfriend likes to make love like three times a day and this
leaves me really sore and I can't go to any of my dance classes. How
should I ask him to lay off? Also, last night he asked me to do it
"brown style" which I think is gross. How should I tell him that I am
not into anal sex? 

-Worried Jules

Dear Worried Jules, 

I'll break this one into two parts for easy handling. 
First off, the solution to your soreness problem is quite simple, and fortunately doesn't involve cutting back on sex. Often times, regardless of how much we stretch, our muscles simply aren't "relaxed" enough to handle such strenuous activity. I found this out the hard way back in 97, when, during the last phase of a marathon fuck-fest with a sassy waitress named Guanita, my entire back spasmed, hurling me off the bed. I lay there, trembling and groaning, helpless as she ransacked my room and robbed me blind.
After that, I took the necessary precautions to make sure that never happened to me again. The key, of course, lies in alcohol. But not just any alcohol. Specifically, King Cobra malt liquor. You see, most people don't know that King Cobra malt liquor contains minute traces of actual snake venom. Snake venom is, of course, Nature's muscle relaxant. It'll loosen you up and keep you limber enough to handle your current routine. Drink one in the morning, or before you do any strenuous activity such as sex, dancing, or driving a car. I recommend three bottles a day, as any more will relax your muscles to the point where you can't move. Now for the second part of your question. First of all, kudos to your boyfriend for wanting to take "the road less traveled" and go "off the beaten path", as it were. It's that kind of adventurous spirit that built this great country of ours. Unfortunately, most people's response to the suggestion of anal sex is "gross". But it's not gross. It's perfectly natural. As it says in the bible: "And let he who is welcome in the front, be also welcome in the back". So take a chance, Jules- who knows, you might like it. And remember, Rome wasn't built in a day. Take it an inch at a time, and keep a King Cobra nearby. Good luck, 

THE JAKE

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Written and Composed by "The Jake". Put into HTML by Fritts.
Copyright © 2000  Poplar 529. All rights reserved.
Revised: February 03, 2000 .