Imagine a casual lunch with some friends. They’re eating, they’re laughing, and most importantly – they’re drinking soda. Someone takes a lingering sip from his bottle of Coke and bam! – a genie appears. What do they wish for? Why, what everyone wishes for, of course: Power! But, how often does a genie appear? Well, chances are never. This matters not because anyone can learn how to gain power and rule the world with this handy guide. Read on, and unlock the secrets of world domination!

Let’s get something straight: one cannot rule the world with a name like John Smith. The dictator-to-be must have a name that speaks power; try a “double first name” like conqueror Marc Anthony. How about a singular name that strikes fear into the masses like Napoleon or Madonna? Another great name combination is First Name “Nickname” Last Name; for example, doesn’t Sammy “the Bull” Gravano just scream power? Names speak volumes about who someone is, and a good name is essential for one’s world domination.

The next step is by far the trickiest. You need money. Lots of money. Money will unlock the means for success. “How do you make so much money?” one might ask. Well, the easiest (and hence best) way to make money is to merely mooch it off of a deceased relative or inherit it from the ever-present parental figures. If one’s family is a bunch of poor slobs, that’s not a problem. There’s many ways of scamming people for money. Try starting a 1-900 psychic hotline (hey, Madame Cleo did it!). Get into a business firm where no one knows exactly what anyone else is doing and embezzle money that way. Order a small fry at McDonalds and ask for handfuls of ketchup; this is a great means of saving money and not having to actually buy ketchup at the store. One should also request napkins and assorted plastic cutlery so there would be no need for such buying of paper fripperies and dish soap. The point is: find a way to cut costs at any corner, and soon, all those ketchup packets will add up.

The final step is to know someone in power. One doesn’t have to start out big by schmoozing with ol’ President Dubya. Start low and work up towards the big guys. Build connections! One might start by getting in good with a local politician such as a representative of the House. One could also make friends with a big businessman, like the person that owns the local telephone company or perhaps someone that owns a law firm. Making connections is a sure fire way to open the door to a good cash flow, and it’s also a good way to advance through society. Be deceitful! Accidentally slip out that said business associate had a hot date with an office intern and they’ll be shot out like a rocket, leaving a wide open door for one to appropriate their position. (Once they’re in their cushy spot, they can also embezzle office supplies and make money that way. Hey, staples go a long way if one’s got a monopoly on them.) The point is always to remember that connections count in any global domination scheme.

A genie in a bottle might be an easier way to go about taking over the world, but this isn’t “I Dream of Jeanie” or any other cheesy 70’s show. This is life! Go ahead and take the bull by its horns; one day, John “the Dictator” Smith could appear in history books across the world. Why continue reading this? Go and begin the ultimate global conquest!

Happy Ruling! 1